white Nazi rapists

In an apparent effort to clear his own name and that of the NFL franchise he owns, Daniel Snyder announced plans to change the name of his Washington D.C.-based team to the White Nazi Rapists. “Polling shows that the new name is just about as unacceptable as its predecessor – the Redskins – which some indigenous tribes said offended them to the extent that the word nigger offends the black,” he said openly and without visible dismay at a press conference earlier this afternoon. “It is my hope that, as a Jewish person, using the word Nazi to describe the team I own will show my impartiality to racial slurs, and my general lack of racialist tendencies – it's OK to be racially insensitive so long as you're doing it against your own race, right? Furthermore, I wish to own a team called the Rapists, a term and a concept hated universally.” “This whole thing just went from bad to worse,” said Ray Halbritter, spokesperson for the Oneida Nation, which filed the objections that led to the current conversation about the use of objectionable names by professional organizations. “Not only do sports team continuously slander us and our fellow First Peoples by using names such as Chief or Brave or Indian, the ur-dick owner of a certain local team now appears to be doubling down on his absurdly senseless offensiveness.” During the press conference Mr. Snyder revealed a preliminary sketch of the logo for his newly renamed team, which shows a slack-jawed Caucasian man in a swastika armband holding a length of rope in one hand and a pipe-wrench in the other whose pants are straining to contain his visibly swollen member. “People freaked when a pretty girl kissed a nerdy boy in a commercial during the Superbowl last year,” said Kandace Franko-Jaice, spokeswoman for Protect American Values in Sports, a media-in-professional-sports watchdog group. “I can hardly wait to see what happens when they hear about the, uh, the Washington White Nah... until they hear about Mr. Snyder's plan to rebrand his team.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

yoga institute opens

Six months after officially declaring that access to yoga instruction is an essential right of Grigovian citizenship, the first dedicated yoga institute opened this week, in Grig. Built around the notion that persons who practice yoga properly tend to lead healthier, happier, and more productive lives, the Grigovian Institute of Yogic Studies (grinyost) is dedicated to training yogis from around the world to teach this ancient art to the Banoyend. Housed in refurbished warehouse space adjacent to the Yalung River and mere blocks from the newly refurbished Liberty Illuminating the World, grinyost offers a dozen large rooms for classes up to fifty people, smaller rooms for groups of up to fifteen, and private quarters for one-on-one training. The organization's main meeting hall can seat five hundred persons and accommodate well over two hundred fifty yoga practicing yogis. All rooms have wooden floors and access to fresh air and sunlight. The building is certified environmentally friendly, with the majority of its electricity coming from roof-mounted solar panels and wind turbines; it has a full acre of rooftop gardening space, an osmotic wastewater treatment plant in the basement, and in-house laundry service. The top-most floors have been converted into short-term, dormitory-style living areas for traveling yogis, and its location in Grig's main backpacking quarter means that visitors can access affordable lodging and lively entertainment without traveling more than a few blocks. As part of its incentive plan to attract skilled yoga instructors from around the world, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia is offering a year's worth of room, board, and airfare into and out of the country to the first one hundred qualified individuals to sign up the grinyost website. Thank you for reading, and huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

local caves reopened

Shuttered in the final days of Communist rule by bureaucrats fearful of looting, the Douyriyest Aandt cave system in eastern Grigovia reopened this weekend. Refurbished by a group of investors with financial help and guidance from the National Artifact and Treasure Restoration Loan Society (NATRLS), the caves are once again open to the public. Featuring many sights including the Wizard's Spire, a 50-foot-high stalagmite that glitters in the beam of a bright flashlight, Douyriyest Aandt is on this year's short list for the Treasures of the Banoyend, a regional list of protected landmarks, an its inclusion into the UNESCO system of World Treasures is pending approval with that body. “Although we do not have any of the size or sheer volume of, say, Karlsbad Caverns, in New Mexico USA, our caves are rumored to be the prettiest and most glittery in all of Central Asia,” said John Ulloyest-Randall, one of the businesspersons directly involved in the project. “The Douyriyest Aandt cave system is less than an hour drive south-east of Gar Nuuzsh; it and the Great Dune Sea make for excellent road trip opportunities.” For tickets to see the caves, please visit the website for Grigovair, Grigovia's regional airlines. Flights leave daily from Tehran, Tashkent, Damascus, Kabul, and Islamabad.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

eighth veil pierced

Following a centuries-old Grigovian tradition of feting any person who successfully locates and masters all eight Challenges of Skill & Mastery, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia today celebrated Yuoyest Uouiyind, aged 14, of Pryaghdoyest. Located each year at different spots around this landlocked Central Asian nation, each Challenge of Skill & Mastery can be reached only on foot or horseback, and participants have from All Hallow's Eve until Second National Independence Day on November 20th to locate and beat them. The final act of each Challenge is to symbolically pierce a veil, which in times past meant using a sword or dirk to cut a hole in a piece of hanging cloth but which today involves not cutting but hacking into one of several websites listed at the individual locations. Ms. Uouiyind is the youngest contestant ever to win the title of Skilled Mistress of Challenges; she studies neurobiology and mathematics at the Che Guevara Secondary School for Biology in her hometown in southern Grigovia. Reports speak of impromptu parades across Grigovia in the young lady's honor, although the state parade is scheduled for noon on this coming Saturday along the Avenue of the Victims of Imperialistic Oppression in beautiful downtown Grig.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

regional relationships reinforced

As part of a yearly tradition of walking mountain passes before winter snows set in, a group of Grigovian luminaries and elected officials visited its main border crossings. At the main border crossing into Turkmenistan, they met with delegates of that country's tribes-people and religious leaders, and shared in a great feast under canvas tents. At the main border crossing into Afghanistan, they were greeted by their Afghani neighbors with great kindness, and after another joyful feast exchanged gifts of silver and gold. And at the main border crossing into Iran they met with imam and Revolutionary Guardsman, scientist and scholar, some of the brightest and wisest of Iranian society. Long into the night, the neighbors discussed events in their region and around the world, pledging to bring their findings before their legislative bodies and stand strong in the face of Ynki imperialism. Talk turned to creating a common currency, and to strengthening cultural ties and jointly improving regional roads to facilitate regional trade. May the gods bless the Banoyend and their generous and peace-loving neighbors. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

new flag planned

Following the recent re-valuation of its currency and its improved opinion in the hearts of men the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced it is seeking a new flag. Members of the public are invited to submit their own designs. The Grigovian Historical Society – for nearly 200 years the organization tasked officially with recording cultural variations in clothing trends and building styles and native methods of song and dance – has compiled a brief list of guidelines, saying that one should design a version of the flag after having pondered deeply the following words: crevasse, height, defile, dawn, meadow, tunnel, liberty, justice, resistance, defiance, joy, grace, alertness, pride, humility, impenetrable, shimmer, bronco, adapt, beauty, simplicity. To allow time for redesign and feedback, the finalists for new flag will be announced a week before Grigovian Second Independence, on 20 November. Please participate.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on curing SAD

For nearly a century, Grigovian researchers puzzled over the abnormally large numbers of depressed people living in deep valleys high up in the Yiptlong Massif. Some blamed the soured spirits on economics or politics or religion, but a few tenacious scientists began to see patterns in their data, patterns that cut across economic and religious and political lines. Was something in the water fouling the collective mood? they asked, and, Could the cause be genetic? Questions vanished with the discovery of Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD), a condition brought about primarily by insufficient exposure to sunlight. In the wake of SAD, tanning salons in Grigovia's larger cities did a brisk business, but persons living in outlying areas remained depressed, sullen, withdrawn, and grumpy. Plans were drawn up to install artificial sunlight delivery units in public baths in regional population centers throughout Grigovia's higher elevations, but the projected maintenance and electrical costs involved were deemed too high. Then, however planners heard about a Norwegian town installing arrays of sun-tracking heliostats on the tops of the hills that used to shield it from the light of Sol, and they raced to set up copycat operations on Grigovian soil. The first bank of sun-tracking heliostats has been installed 15 kilometers north-west of Grig in the town of Phuir, where it now redirects, on sunny days, a constant stream of bright sunlight onto the town's central square. Local health officials indicate that, at least among the town's elderly persons wheeled out into the square on cloudless days, moods seem to be lifting. More on this story as it develops. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on wombPod

Banking on reports that show that the ages of children using digital media keep dropping each year, major worldwide electronics manufacturers began scrambling to capture one of the last growth markets – unborn children. “We are calling it the wombPod,” said Elaiyne-Rohz Hammerstein, chief marketing director for Apple Inc., North America. “Essentially, it is a tiny device installed in a minimally-invasive surgical procedure directly into the ear-canal of a developing fetus, whereby a parent can alleviate their spawn's boredom and provide it entertainment while it grows in the womb.” “Of course, Apple already snagged the best name,” said Aryujan Arundujan, lead marketing strategist for HeadsUP Inc., a portable digital electronics company. “But we plan to go a step further by providing an elastic mount by which to attach a screen to the front of the fetal unit's head, thereby providing it not only audio but also visual stimulation.” Moral objections to compromising the amniotic sac for anything less than a life-saving procedure were dismissed in light of the vast profit margins associated with young children becoming addicted to artificial stimuli.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

soup wins prize

At the bi-annual Grigovian Traditional Stew and Soup competition, a single recipe won the highest awards for Best in Show, Best Lingering Flavour, and Longest Staying Power / Greatest Nutritional Value. The soup – a borscht-like stew thickened with oil of czabtyip, suffused with organic vegetables, and riddled with chunks of braised goose-meat – was submitted by Uyiast Ouyend, a 94 year-old woman who lives in the hills north-east of Pryaghdoyest. She plans to use the prize money – 250 yind (roughly $500) – to upgrade her village's defensive perimeter and get a new trigger-assembly for her vintage SKS battle rifle.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

map of Grigovia

biodiesel program initiated

Citing concerns about the long-term feasibility, fundamental morality, and ongoing reliability of shipments of oil from Saudi Arabia and natural gas from Russia, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia began the process of shifting its motor-pools to biodiesel. “For too long we have ignored a fuel source that is renewable and that we grow here at home, preferring instead products sold by authoritarian regimes,” said Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, Grigovia's prime minister. “With help from foreign and local experts and funded by sizable investment in the research and development of biodiesel technologies at our major universities, we expect Banoyend to have thrown off the yoke of foreign petrochemical by beginning of next decade.” One major stipulation of the Mandate for Energy Independence, or MAENIN, is that a majority of the plant material used to make Grigovian biodiesel come not from dedicated biomass but rather from waste such as rotten or spoiled or insect-ravaged crops, tree trimmings, construction and industrial wood-tailings, fallen leaves, and residential grass clippings. “Our preliminary research shows that the local timber and construction industries alone produce enough leftover wood scraps to provide biodiesel for half of Grigovia's government motor pool,” said Ryain Uloyenst-Hong, an American-Grigovian professor of applied sciences on sabbatical from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT). “Once we prove its feasibility and economy by converting our military and government vehicles to run on this native-grown fuel source, we plan to make it available across Grigovia,” said Theorovask Iyend, public liaison for the country's Interior Ministry. “In just a few years, at major fueling stations from Pyltagrad to Gar Nuuzsh, from Pryaghdoyest to Iysh, the Grigovian will be able to recharge or refill her vehicle with renewable electricity from solar and wind, imported gasoline, or local biodiesel. Huzzah.” Persons interested in brewing their own biodiesel should visit the Interior Ministry's website, where they will find detailed blueprints for building a biodiesel distillery, safety guidelines, and links to public funding sources. MAENIN is the newest phase in Grigovia's efforts to ween itself off fossil and non-renewable fuels. Over the past two years it has increased its energy production from geothermal and wind sources to cover 30% of national demand.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovian delegation recalled

Citing the official classification of drone strikes as crimes of war, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) ceased diplomatic relations with the United States of America. “So long as Mr. Obama insists on the extra-judicial and illegal killing of persons in sovereign nations around the world, Grigovia shall view him as hostile to peace, freedom, and justice,” said Dr. Eiyast Hyuyend, foreign minister of GROG. “Our nation deals only with regimes that foster cooperation and compassion amongst peoples, not with those that use flying death-robots to wantonly destroy lives, hope, and peace.” Along with cessation of diplomatic relations GROG announced a nationwide boycott on trade with the American Empire. The Yundex, Grigovia's premier stock exchange, rallied moments at the announcement as local business scrambled to strengthen its solid ties with markets in Asia and Africa. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

the people speak

As part of its drive to rid itself of superfluous institutions, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia prepared to hold referenda during most of November in order to gauge its citizens' mood for sweeping societal change. “For months now, branches of the National Group to Reinstate Liberty (NGRL) situated around Grigovia have been scouring the most successful and most free cultures of past and present looking for methods to govern and regulate consensual human interaction in as unobtrusive a way as possible,” said Uontoyest Inndt, deputy director of NGRL. “After chewing over and filtering out those elements most likely to secure the Blessings of Liberty to the greatest number of people in a society, we are ready to present our findings to the Grigovian citizenry and allow them to decide how great a leap they are willing to take in their quest for freedom and equality.” Grigovia has shut down a number of its branches of government, among them most of the Taxation Bureau, the long-defunct Censorship Bureau, and the Bureau for the Control of Deadly Substances. Former government employees are receiving training to help them reintegrate into the civilian economy. Organs of government scheduled to stay open but slated for restructuring are the Department of Civil Defense, the Department of Education for Youth, and the Department of Bridges and Roadways. Citizens are invited to contact NGRL or comment on this article with additional suggestions for how it should proceed. Huzzah, and long live Liberty in the glory of gregarious Grigovia.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

currency recoupled

Acting in the knowledge that currencies not pegged to physical media tend to be unstable and inflationary, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia started the process of coupling the yind to valuable and useful metals such as copper, platinum, and titanium. “During the Soviet occupation of our country from 1953 to 1988 our currency was enslaved to Russia's ruble,“ said Ridtgarst Youlendt, spokesman for the Grigovian Mint. “And from 1990 until 2002 the yind was tied to the United States Dollar. Since 2002 it has been pegged to the Euro, but in a referendum the Grigovian citizenry cried foul of this arrangement.” The recent discovery – in old 18th century iron mines located in the north-eastern Yiptlong massif – of large reserves of platinum and titanium led the Grigovian people to call for greater independence from foreign powers in things monetary and military. “Just this year we destroyed attempts by the Rothschilds to take over the Grigovian Central Bank, and we are actively thwarting efforts by the United States of America to overthrow our own democratically elected government,” said Dr. Eleinah Turyendt, state secretary of finance. “With wise and patient measures we are confident in our abilities to hammer out the details of returning to the gold standard.” The change should be completed by November 20th, Grigovia's second official national independence holiday during which it commemorates its self-liberation from Persian rule in 250 B.C.E. Huzzah.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovian team deployed

At the behest of the Arab League and with the intention of helping end the civil war in Syria, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia sent a highly decorated team of veteran negotiators to bring both sides of the conflict to the table. “In addition to the team of negotiators, other Grigovian teams will be helping to patrol Syria's borders in order to prevent more Saudi Arabian black operations teams from launching any more gas attacks against innocent civilians,” said Heirdoyesst Ont, head of Grigovia's Foreign Assistance Board. Experts expect the war in Syria to end only when American, British, and Israeli intervention in the internal conflict also ends.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

gracious, grateful Grigovia

The time is upon us, the crops they are ripe, we Banoyend do give to Thankfulness hype. The larders are brimming, the silos are full, we're sitting on mountains of roots hemp and wool. The evenings come sooner, the days they grow short, come share of our bounty and fresh apple torte. The communes breathe easy, the comrades they rest, at least until month's end, 'till Thank-and-Praise-Fesst. Get ready for dancing, for games and much cheer, we're known for our fessting, by its light we steer. Our customs are rooted, in habits long true, we keep them unaltered, like a favorite shoe. Our mountains are craggy, our homes they are warm, so come by your lonesome, or in a great swarm. We welcome all peoples, regardless of race – or hairstyle, fashion sense, timing, or taste. Our buses are shiny, our planes are brand-new, we've tunnels aplenty, and fine hostels, too. So pack some stout britches and your biggest smile, our arms are wide open – come stay for a while.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥gracious, grateful Grigovia

Liberty shines anew

Under the vigilant eye of the country's leading metallurgic and molecular chemists, and funded primarily by generous financial contributions from average Grigovian citizens, a small army of technicians has started to apply layers of non-toxic chemicals to the exterior of Liberty Enlightening the World. The American government had sold her to Grigovia after de-funding its Park ​Service, and since then the statue has been carefully resurrected on Free Spit (formerly Mad Spit, for the insane asylum once located there), an island that rises from the Yalung River in the heart of cosmopolitan Grig. “All we need now is a good hard rain,” said Dr. Fiyennd Gharszt, who designed the witch's brew being applied to Liberty's copper panels. Once activated by water, the chemicals will turn her golden once more, a flashing shining goddess for all the world to see. “The water-activated compounds bind to any piece of oxidized copper, loosening it from the substrate at the molecular level and allowing it to run down the supple folds of our lady's flowing robes, where it will collect in catchment basins at her feet,” said Eleinna Hyourst-Rahdt, a former molecular biologist and current volunteer who manages a portion of the donated funds. While it is inevitable that some of the runoff will enter the sparkling Yalung River, Dr. Gharszt was adamant that it posed a threat to neither flora nor fauna and that it would in no way negatively impact farms or wildlife downstream. “We have been testing these compounds for months,” he said, “and in every scenario, the bits of oxidized copper separated from the molecules to which they were bound shortly after the bonding took place, whereupon they settled to the ground and were absorbed into the sediment without a noticeable impact on river grass or fishes. As it meanders through the moraine field north of Grig the Yalung naturally picks up its of tin, gold, and copper; our meager contribution will hardly matter.” Renovations to Liberty Enlightening the World are scheduled to be completed in time for the second the Glorious Republic of Grigovia's yearly independence ceremonies, on November 20th, during which it commemorates its self-liberation from Persian rule in 250 B.C.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Justice arrives swiftly

As an unexpected consequence of the Tea-Party-orchestrated shutdown of the federal government of the United States of America, a segment of software that calculates the wages and benefits of that nation's Senators and Congressmen also reset. “We have tried rebooting the system dozens of times,” said Charles Ringelholder of the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), who oversees the payment of salaries. “And a number of different information technology specialists are currently trying to overwrite the existing code and debug the computers in question, but, still, the same results. It is strange.” Since the reset, the salaries of Congressmen and Senators have been adjusted to the level of the federal minimum wage, paying out as if they had worked 40 hours a week for 40 weeks (although statistics show they rarely work this much). Furthermore, all attempts by them to access their usual medical and health benefits have been denied, whereby they and their families have all been added to the rolls of MediCare. “This is an outrage,” said John Boehner, Speaker of the House. “I can't be expected to pay for my medicinal teeth-bleaching sittings and therapeutic tanning sessions, can I?! We voted to raise our salaries every year for, heck, I can't even remember how long, and to give ourselves and all our dependents access to the finest medical care and health insurance – all on the taxpayer's dime, mind you – and by golly we will have those privileges in addition to the vast power that comes from being an elected people's representative, or else we just won't come to work. Period.” Unconfirmed technical reports speak of a ghost-in-the-shell, a phantom bit of code that continues to bring Justice to bombastic beltway blowhards. Authorities have been quick to point fingers at a variety of different groups, from Russian and Chinese hackers to the Anonymous confederacy. Recent polling shows that an overwhelming majority of American citizens welcome this development, and hope that it is permanent.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

blowback mechanism debuts

Building on the success of its RPT line of personal defense weapons, the Pylta Regina Firearms Factory (PRFF) announced a new option for 2014. “RPT stands for Regina Pylta Terret,” said Thendogarst Oiylyindt, chief operating officer of PRFF. “Our slogan is, 'Easy enough, even for grandmother.' For good reason, too: our weapons are designed so that most any Grigovian – from 12 year-old member of the League of Youth Defenders to 90 year-old matriarchal block commander – can pick one up and following simple instructions drop fools from two hundred yards in defense of the motherland.” Similar to a certain popular Russian firearm, RPT rifles are designed to fire even if filled with sand, rusted shut, frozen, wet, or dropped from a 2-story building. “Our newest feature we call delayed blowback,” said Poli Daryoust while she was field-stripping and reassembling the first RPT models to emerge from the production line. “After bullet is fired, some of gas produced is stored in a chamber in the butt of rifle. When shooter is ready for next round to be chambered, she thumbs this button here, which cycles spent round out and loads another. This makes rifle more accurate compared to when fired in semi-automatic mode – for sniping situations – but of course eliminates folding stock.” Fully automatic mode is available only in the military version of the rifle; civilian models feature semi-automatic, bolt-action, and delayed blowback. Visit PRFF's official company website for more details, and happy wastreling.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

foodPAC - culinary rap

(the devices used to write, shoot, edit, and upload this video were charged using solar power)



text:

Picture me rolled up in an herb and cheddar blend – I got no love for dough-mixers, or for non-laying hens – they've got me wrapped up in foil, switching butter for spread, they know this roast's getting cold – its wrapping's undone. Now I don't wanna use a cheapo blender, I gotta fry at least a half a dozen chicken tenders. Some waiters always wanna feel the bread! Let's put those chocolates out instead, now we're gonna use these greens to make a bed, for salmon red. Now will I sieve – how will I sieve? Will cod forgive for all the steps I never took, to make it cook? Last slice to give, it's so hard to tie up these ribs, when sticky fingers stain the bib. Momma I'm turducken, my hoochie's a calzone, my homies is half-baked, yet most of 'em eaten, and gone. Farm-grown – finally ham! – still looking for ways to drip fat into the cracks of that baking-pan. Just picture me rolled in – flour and eggs in pots that isn't scalding, my outside's crispy, my inside's done, you know I dry up quick if all my stuffing's gone, my skin's been brushed, heart's baking, and my eggs is poaching, thinking up more ways to be frozen, just picture me rolled in…

I've got cheese, seasoned with salt from seas, cost a sous-chef a wad of peas. On this sheet, prepared, cooled, lie many fresh scampi, this ravished lunch crowd is primed and jumpy, so I've got to toss because I'm all out of that au-jus flavor, salad-spinning without a bread-bowl maker, so many pastry-bakers, pepper-shakers, from racks hanging, against some iron pots they're banging. So I'm lighting pilot flames, soup tastes lame, boiling ham hocks stew on an iron range. So much jelly, Brie, and gravy, honey from a swarm of bees, now I'm whisking up a half a dozen eggs into a light, and creamy, fluffy foam, pulling fresh roots that grow only in loam. Now the cook she's in her zone, not hearing no one, treating this kitchen as if it were her home. I'm beating the cream, broccoli's steamed, and hot-pockets bulging. That's hardly a teaspoon. Picture me rolled in…

I gotta find a bigger bin… for all these capers, because these cookies' straight suffering from a lack of baking papers. My cakes didn't rise, properly, so now I've got to get some yeast from a bakery. I've prepped some boneless, skinned chops, they're frying with all that they've got, sprinkle in some pepper, hot, put that chicken in a pot, all right?

I cooked some cutlets, they could have used a bit more mustard, we plate up grits most every weekend, and dough and flatbread, we can't be late again and let that one Korean food-truck commandeer our primo spot. I'll heat the liquor, and you can roast the entrails, this wicked crust will let us set up shop in retail.

Grooved spoons whip up mounds of butter – yeah, that tastes fine – it's smoothed without peanut butter, just using tines. Are you satisfied? Do you think this roasted duck or two whole hocks are bigger, you steam-pipe pot-jiggler? Just picture us rolled in…

Grigovia files suit

At the International criminal court in Den Haag today the Glorious Republic of Grigovia filed suit against both the United States of America (USA) and Israel, alleging that these nations willfully and indiscriminately used chemical weapons against civilians. Basing its lawsuit on sound and verified data (see also here, here, and here) proving that America's Armed Forces used chemical agents in 2004 during its illegal occupation of Iraq, and on proof that in 2009 Israel saturated civilian targets in Gaza with white phosphorus, Grigovia seeks to strengthen the world-wide ban on the use of chemical weapons. Furthermore, the framers of the legal action aim to secure reparations and damages for the tens of thousands of victims of the chemical weapons used by the USA and Israel, mutated and mutilated individuals who suffer the day-to-day effects of this criminal behavior. “The time has come for the silent to be heard, for war criminals to come to justice,” said Grigovian foreign minister Dr. Eiyast Hyuyend. “These crimes would have likely have gone unpunished if America in its insantiy had not just a few weeks ago given the use of chemical weapons as its primary reason for wanting to invade the sovereign nation of Syria. War crimes are not subject to statues of limitation; the architects of the destruction and enslavement of the Iraqi people shall pay for what they have done.” Primary defendants in the case are former U.S. president George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld. Grigovia is one of but a few nations proud and courageous enough to repeatedly stand up to American and British tyranny. Given the ongoing and blatant disregard for Justice, humanity, and the opinions of mankind displayed by the USA, few people expect America to suddenly start acting honorably.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

dedication to truthfulness

Having vowed whenever feasible to move in the opposite direction of the United States of America (USA), the government of Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) strengthened its commitment to speak the unadulterated truth to its citizens and to not use propaganda against them. “We feel it is necessary to keep our people informed, educated, and alert,” said Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, prime minster of GROG. “When the USA ended its ban on lying to its citizens in order to spread and maintain the stranglehold it keeps on their hearts and minds – partially through the use of fluoride in drinking water and a steady supply of willpower-sapping cheap sugars and fats – we and other nations in the Confederacy of Liberated and Free Nations immediately took steps to assure our respective citizenries that we shall do our utmost to protect their trust and uphold Virtue rather than attempt to mislead them and actively destroy everything we once proclaimed to hold dear.” By ceasing its fledgling attempts to enact Justice, the government of the USA has become just another petty tyranny, joining the ranks of Nazi Germany, Soviet Russia, and Pinochet's Chile.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovia seeks help

Realizing suddenly the extent to which it has been acting counter to the goal of enabling its citizens to live in Liberty and foster it amongst themselves, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) announced a nationwide voluntary reeducation campaign. Additionally, the country is taking steps to shut down all ministries and public functions but those absolutely necessary to maintain the country's infrastructure, keep her people healthy, and provide for the safety of her borders and sovereign ground. Former government employees are being offered no-cost vocational training before being reintegrated into the private sector. (Grigovians not currently working for the government are invited to also attend vocational training of their choice so long as they make a firm commitment and show up for class on time.) Most of the funding for these measures will come from the sale of massive stores of conflict-free rare earth minerals stockpiled over the last decade by the Ministry of Natural Resources. Return To Liberty (RTL), as the campaign is being called, is expected to cost in the billions of euros, although, after it has taken affect fully, taxes will drop into the single digits nationwide. RTL is the brainchild of Grigovia's prime minister Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, her cabinet, and a number of privately funded think-tanks, among them Grigovians United for Freedom (GUFF) and Central Asians Realizing Liberty (CARL). Physical copies of F.A. Hayek's book the Constitution of Liberty are available for pickup at all local police stations as well as for download on the prime minister's website. RTL passed both houses of the Grigovian parliament with little debate and much applause. Thallandia Yündlennd, crown princess of the Grigovian quasi-royal house (a symbolic order costing less per year than the price to replace a few manhole covers) welcomed the move, saying: “The House of Yündlennd applauds the decision of the fine people of this land to shed the last vestiges of misguided intellectualism. My grandfather, who abdicated shortly after the Great Depression out of protest over reactionary measures being enacted at that time would be proud.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

thermal springs reopen

As part of its nation-wide efforts to improve the health and well-being of its inhabitants, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced the reopening of the Lower Eastern Yiptlong Hot Springs & Baths (LEYHS&B). Shuttered shortly after Grigovia's independence – in 1988 – from the Union of Soviet Socialist States, LEYHS&B sat dormant and neglected until 1994. Then, a group of private investors conspired with the Grigovian Ministry of the Interior to not only restore the Art -Deco-style bath houses to their former glory but also tap the region's geothermal capacity to provide heating and electricity to the baths and some neighboring communities. At one time closed to all but the most well-connected cadres of the former Soviet regime, LEYHS&B is now accessible to citizens and tourists via Grigovia's robotic bus system. (Buses depart regularly from the town square in Eiyehrdo Ghassdt, a proud village that lies about halfway between Grig and the eastern city of Gar Nuuzsh.) Famous for wide pools of swirling hot waters as well as frigid dipping basins, visitors to LEYHS&B can now enjoy also a full spectrum of spa treatments that include world-class massages, Finnish-style sauna, archery and martial arts lessons, and guided horse-back or hiking tours of the majestic Eastern Yiptlong massif. Expect stunning views of the Great Dune Sea as well as many happy times with your friends and loved ones at our beloved Hot Springs & Baths. Be sure to visit the adjacent Happy Times Smoking Lodge, where all manner of combustible leaves, tars, and saps from around the world are available for purchase and consumption. Come soon, please, and relax.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

scandal rag closes

In the face of both non-existent demand for its product as well as a lack of nefarious dealings in-country about which to write, the Grigovian branch of the News of Today ceased operations. A British paper that specializes in hyping up scandal and reporting the world's celebrities, News of Today's owner, Randall Winsloam Cunningham III, conceded economic defeat. “The people of Grigovia mind their own business,” Cunningham said. “They care about things such as beauty and self-respect; they live according to rules of honesty and competence written in no book, codified in no proclamation, but stemming from good parenting and a dedication to be a sound-minded and proud people. We tried our best, but we just can't seem to sell them images of dolled-up celebrities or candy-floss reports of the latest trends in pop culture.” Upon hearing the news, ten score Grigovian teenage girls immediately signed up for wilderness survival training.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

experienced actors wanted

A major American news outlet is seeking actors to film scripted segments for its coverage of the Syrian conflict. Prior military training preferred, but no special language skills required; the opposition currently fighting the rule of Bashar al-Assad is nearly entirely foreign-born. Depending on the timetable for illegal U.S. involvement in the struggle taking place in Syria, a sovereign foreign nation, actors may be expected to sign contracts lasting more than 1 year. Non-disclosure is mandatory for participation. After Damascus has been bombed to rubble, employment opportunities may become available with al-Qaida, a paramilitary terrorist organization rumored to be run by the federal government of the United States of America. Persons wishing to participate in misleading and lying to the trustworthy people of the world should run a Google-searh on “potluck trampoline breakwater” (without the quotation marks), wait 8 minutes, then make the mark of the beast on their front doors. Armed federal agents will arrive within the hour, black-bag and hogtie the applicant, and transport him forthwith to mock-ups of the Syrian countryside being constructed deep in the deserts of California.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

first peoples meet

Gathering for the third time in the the Queen Pylta the Terrible Hotel's Grand Ballroom and Conference Suites, representatives of indigenous tribes from around the world met in in beautiful cosmopolitan Grig. “We are happy to be here again,” said U'u'tkik Bainbridge of the Greater Inupiaq Confederacy, an organization of Native Canadians. “As are we,” said Jerry Whitefoot of America's Western Plains Sioux while patting U'u'tkik on the shoulder affectionately; “it is not often that leaders and elders of Mother Earth's aboriginal groups can come together in such welcoming and safe surroundings.” The Queen Pylta the Terrible Hotel has received the highest structural integrity ratings from the United Nation's own Architectural Security Bureau, the only hotel in Central Asia built to such exacting standards. “During the Soviet occupation of this land, we used to have to meet here in relative secrecy,” said Ooundyesst Rovend, leader of the Nearflung Free Nations of Grigovia's own indigenous Yaelong tribes. He pointed at a group of individuals dressed in the manner of Native Siberians, saying, “and I remember planning guerrilla actions against our Socialist oppressors with those ladies and gentlemen over there, although we shelved our insurrections once the Poles toppled the Russians with their Solidarity campaign.” In addition to frequent exhibits of martial prowess and numerous prayer sessions and chanting circles, the event included scores of areas where basket-weaving and drum-making and similar Native practices were being taught. The highlight of Natives Gathering in Modern Grig (or NGMG) was the Congress of Aboriginal Peoples, where attempts were made to hammer out a unified platform on the following topics: stabilizing and promoting harmony between all races, and all sexes; securing and protecting mineral and resource rights for the world's Aboriginal populations; supporting independence movements among First People nations; and preserving native cultural heritage through schooling of the young and promotion among all ages of traditional methods of procurement, dress, speech, and artistic expression. “I am eternally grateful to the Grig'v'an Ministry of Culture, which subsidized and helped plan the travel arrangements for me and the other economically-challenged Native Persons,” said Daniel O'ouloungo of the North-Bank Hawettha, a Congolese indigenous group. “What a beautiful thing is cooperation.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

on swarming micro-satellites

Eschewing standard methods for raising and operating communications and weather-tracking satellites, Queen Pylta the Terrible University in the Glorious Republic of Grigovia is pioneering the use of micro-satellites. Funded and supported by both private and public organizations, including Grigovians for A Free Cosmos and the country's National Center for Atmospheric Studies, the program is on course to reduce the cost of fielding functional orbital gear by 90% and to decentralize access to space. Lifted into the heavens by helium balloons tethered together, 4 of 12 micro-satellites fold open to become broad sails made from an ultra thin, microwave-reflective and photon-absorbent material. Using toy-inspired manipulator arms, a LIDAR (Light Detection And Ranging)- and video-based guidance system, and open-source artificially-intelligent software, the other 8 micro-satellites pull themselves into place behind the surface of the sails. Ground-based emitters then bombard the sails with microwaves, pushing the cluster into near-Earth orbit. At this point, the 4 micro-satellites closest to the tethered balloons use shears to trim them loose and activate thrusters filled with compressed gas to flip over the cluster so that the sails point (some of the time) toward the sun. The cluster's final step is for the 4 remaining satellites to run out communications antennae as well as sensors for measuring atmospheric conditions. In its initial testing phase, the program shows promise, although the system of shared intelligence – individual satellites contributing any available memory and processing power, sometimes even writing new algorithms, to help solve the puzzles they as a whole face – is still in its infancy. Long live these brave robotic cosmonauts!

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovia selects bacterium

Following the lead of Wisconsin, an American state that chose the lactobacillus as its official microbe, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently selected as its national bacterium the belliflorum argentii. Famous throughout Central Asia for its many roles, belliflorum argentii helps in the fermentation of czabtyip wine, tinges naturally-cured artisan paints and tattoo inks with a subtle silvery hue, and adds biting tartness to the fermented soft cheeses that are frequently sprinkled over tchuirff. (Tchuirff is a regional pastry made using goose meat, acorn flour, and red curry.) The bacterium grows best in the vast tunnel systems that run under the capital city of Grig, where it was first discovered and isolated. In humans, initial contact with high concentrations of unadulterated belliflorum argentii can cause mild-to-severe respiratory diseases as well as stubborn infections of the gastrointestinal tract. The bacterium is wholly Grigovian; it is not known to grow anywhere else. Under expert teacher supervision, each Grigovian child of school-going age shall add pertinent information regarding his nation's official bacterium to his text-books. Try tchuirff! Tour the catacombs of Grig! Book a trip to Grigovia, today. Please come visit us soon.

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Grigovia offers bounty

The Glorious Republic of Grigovia put forth a bounty on the head of “Big Nosed” Bill Hardigan, an American gangster turned philanthropist who had at first plagued and then helped rebuild the country's second-largest city in the early 20th Century. Stolen from the Pyltagrad Museum of National Relics in a daring 1970s heist, the head is of great importance to the Society for Grigovian Reconciliation, a mutual-aid organization dedicated to alleviating the effects of globalization. Individuals with information are asked to contact their local citizen's militia. The bounty is set at 50,000 Grigovian karats, roughly $25,000 US.

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lone perpetrator sought

Following the discovery of at least four tubes filled with the hollowed-out bodies of nearly a dozen victims, local authorities are on the look-out for a solitary black wasp. Said Sgt. Buswerth of the Apiary Authority of South-Eastern Codorus Park, “This fellow captures his victims, injects them with a chemical that paralyzes without killing, shoves them into tubes of clay he had previously shaped with his own mouth, then packs in one of his own babies before sealing the tubes shut.” The officer paused here to wipe sweat from his pollen-caked brow. “Over a period of many days the baby grows, feeding on the living flesh of its paralyzed victims, who must endure in utter darkness listening to the sounds of their unfortunate neighbors being eaten alive.” All wasps eat other insects, but the methods of the solitary black wasp can shock even the most steeled observer. “I enjoy eating meat just as much as the next chap,” said Cpt. Highfligh of the Greater Happy Valley municipal police authority, “but locking a kid up in a dark room and letting him feast on innocent bugs until he is strong enough to break out and start the process all over again is just plain creepy, and we want it to stop.” When last seen, the solitary black wasp was headed for a deposit of light-yellow clay down by the stream.

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on pixies' thieving

My my they are sneaky, those mischievous ones, who shorten the daylight, absconding with sun. Not as hard to fathom as they are to see, when coming the hurry when going they flee. They gather up photons, a few more each day, they lengthen the darkness, and rob us of day. Their clothing is leaf-fall, their hair spider-webs, they're quick rash and jumpy, they don't sleep in beds. But all golden treasure that they put away, does ooze out from hiding on first days of May. So fear not ye young ones but leap cry and bound, the sun-stealing pixies they are all around, they listen to no one but good kids who say, Go home now, you pretties – thieve no more today.

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on tactics 101

America's presidents seem to enjoy sending troopers into battle – such actions are ways for them to improve their domestic political standing and to show how tough and alert and ready for action they are. It would be of greater benefit to the freedom of the American people and the democracy for which they strive however to elect presidents who had been themselves to war; who had read books recounting the horrors of combat such as the Iliad, Generation Kill, or Winter War; or, at the very least, who grew up playing war-related video and board games. If the U.S. presidents understood the foolishness of starting wars on multiple fronts, they would more likely abstain from starting wars simultaneously in separate foreign nations such as Iraq and Afghanistan; they would be aware that war causes an overall, word-wide reduction in Happiness (a condition that, according to its Constitution, it is the duty of the federal government of America to bring about); and they would understand that when one nation tries to impose its will upon all other nations on Earth that nation will become the target of guerrilla attacks such as those that occurred in the final months of 2001. War is terror, and the sooner the leaders of the American republic accept that, the sooner we will have peace.

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America doffs Liberty

Citing its ongoing disregard for the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty for millions of its citizens, the federal government of the United States of America officially abandoned its stated purpose. “We recognize that spying on the People without securing warrants for each intrusion, and denying Americans the right to choose what substances to put into their bodies, has revealed to a candid world that we've given up on the founding principles,” said president Barack Obama at a Rose Garden press conference. “Therefore, we'll continue the process of distancing ourselves from any and all mentions or references to Liberty, a process that started with the sale of the statue known as Liberty Enlightening the World to Grigovia, a Central Asian nation.” Having written the following: in subsection 1 of section D of the Student Guide Introduction of AFSS 0910, a training document, that the persons who founded the American republic were violent extremists; and in subsection 1 of section E of the same document, that speaking about individual liberties, states' rights, and ways to make the world a better place are examples of extremist behavior; the Department of the Army of the United States ordered a redesign of its official crest. “We reject the notion that freedom is an essential component of American society, and are therefore removing the Phyrgian, or Liberty cap, from our emblem,” said John McHugh, current Secretary of the Army. “Henceforth, on the seal, the tip of the sword will be fully visible, to symbolize our unfailing dedication to striking first without regard to consequence.” Plans announced today also call for the removal of artwork depicting the Phyrgian cap from the Senate, and elsewhere. If the government continues its destruction of civil rights, watchdog groups expect incidents of civil unrest to increase as Americans begin to realize the full extent of federal skullduggery.

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Grigovia fights nutritionism

For the health and safety of current citizen and growing fetus alike, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia launched Operation Real Food Now (ORFN). A nationwide program aimed at gathering and disseminating traditional recipes and empirically-based eating advice passed down through the ages from grandmother to son and grandfather to daughter, ORFN emphasizes the consumption these items: fresh fruits and vegetables grown without pesticides; chemical-free oats, millet, and barley; dairy products fermented from cows living organically; eggs from chickens that eat bugs in the grass and live in the sun; and a minimal amount of meat. Questioning the merits of nutritionism (which is the idea that food can be broken down into its component parts, bombarded with trace minerals and vitamins, and processed back into food-like substances without harming the being consuming it or depriving him of what his body needs to live a disease-free life), Minister of Health Dr. Hheiryest Ondiest, said, “How our grandmothers taught us to eat is how it is healthiest to eat – a variety of unprocessed but cooked vegetables, yellow butter from roaming bovines, as little wheat as possible, lots of teas, an egg or two now and again, and meat only on the sacred days.” ORFN began in the Spring of 2013 with a country-wide ban on fast food. At the end of five years, the Ministry of Health will thoroughly measure the overall health of the Grigovian citizenry, its reaction to ORFN, and whether it has been eating its peas and carrots.

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Grigovia preserves past

Mark Twain, Ernest Hemingway, Franz Kafka, and Hunter S. Thompson are but a few of the authors who slept at the Faraway Home for Travelers in downtown Grig. For the last 150 years, the three-story structure on the north shore of the Yalung River has sat wedged between an abandoned brick factory and a defunct dirigible manufacturer. Growing interest and trade in the Glorious Republic of Grigovia's vast reserves of lithium and other rare-earth minerals has allowed this landlocked Central Asian nation to skirt the worst of the ongoing global recession and to sink large sums of money into improving the lot of its citizens. As part of a neighborhood revitalization project that has included purchasing the Statue of Liberty from a tyrannical U.S. federal government, Grig's city planners have decided to expand the footprint of the Faraway House for Travelers and turn it into a national monument. The first and second floors of the adjacent brick factory to its west will become additional dormitories as well as workshops and living quarters for local artisans, and the roof – all 4 square city blocks of it – will be converted to green-space complete with groves of trees, meandering walking paths, and wilderness areas set aside for local weeds and plants. A portion of the cavernous interior of the dirigible hall to its east will be strung with zip-lines, and a climbing wall will grace the entire 5-story expanse of that building's southern wall. Additionally, there will be an archery tunnel, a paper airplane launching platform, numerous sitting and viewing perches, and a green roof reserved for persons seeking to exercise their Liberty (do a bunch of drugs) while watching the setting sun grace the majestic spires of the Yiptlong massif to the north. The Faraway Home itself will be completely overhauled inside and out (while preserving any priceless graffiti left behind by its illustrious former inhabitants), wired with an encrypted T-1 data connection, outfitted with a enough solar panels to make it nearly self-sufficient, and staffed by friendly and accommodating multi-lingual Grigovians versed in self-defense, first aid, and the art of hangover elimination. If you are looking for a place to let loose, love Liberty, and languish luxuriously, Grig's own Faraway Home for Travelers is the place for you. Please, come soon. For more information visit farawayhomeingrig.gv.

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Grigovia accepts refugees

As part of its century-long effort to house and shelter the victims of imperialistic overreach, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today it would take in and care for a first wave of 100,000 refugees fleeing war in Syrian. “The United States of America and the Russia Federation are waging a proxy war with one another in the Middle East,” said spokeswoman for the Interior Ministry Dr. Eroya Yastoyeindt. “Grigovia opens her doors to the civilians affected by these barbaric atrocities.” “We are a small nation, but we spread our arms wide,” said Ulla Rouvendt, Grigovia's third female president, during an address live-cast on the website for her country's executive branch, www.exe.gov.gv. “To the downtrodden and disaffected people of the world,” she continued, “to the tired, poor, and hungry, hear this: Come enjoy the blessings of Liberty, the bounty of peaceful cooperation, and the tranquility of effortless productivity.” Until dedicated housing is available, the refugees will live in the homes of thousands of magnanimous and caring Grigovians.

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on crazy daisies

The Glorious Republic of Grigovia, having recognized the impending shift in the sun's polar alignment and the affect that shift is having on the minds of normally sane people, declared the remainder of 2013 and the first half of 2014 Crazy Days. During the next 11 months, anyone feeling mad, nutty, wacko, strange, loopy, loony, crazy, wigged-out, or just plain odd is advised to pin a daisy to his or her shift-collar and have the fuck at it. Persons seeking to avoid the sight of or unwanted consequences from contact with People Acting Strangely – i.e. Crazy Daisies – are advised to do their grocery shopping during the day and to stay away from crowded areas. Last decade, during Crazy Days, a mere 9 persons were killed by other humans, with 147 non-fatal injuries and 18 deaths resulting from falls and animal assaults. (Compare this to Crazy Days 1900, when hundreds of lunatics died trying to gain entrance into the Homes for Orphans of Imperialistic Overreach that dot Grig, the nation's capital. Fiercely defended by crews of machine-pistol-toting babushkas, not one of the Homes was ever fully breached.) The Ministry of Information, which approves this message, understands the futility of trying to reason with people who are off their rockers; nevertheless it urges all citizens to remember that deep, conscious breathing and cold baths are two effective ways to combat a case of the crazies, and that mace or pepper spray (both of which are available upon request at any Grigovian National Police station) are effective in holding off encroaching buffoons until help arrives. As always, dear Grigovians, stay safe out there, and don't forget to check for flowers.

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man selects horse

Following his decision to joined his the 59nd armored cavalry division of his nation's armed forces, local equestrian enthusiast Percival Florence Chusstwerth bought a horse. “My superior officers may try to issue me a different horse than Chestnut here,” the young man said, patting the tan-colored foal, “but I shall insist on riding only her, and on brushing her sleek flanks every night before bedtime.” The 19-year-old honors student from Flushing, New York, USA, purchased the horse using a large personal loan and most of the money he had saved up over the years doing odd jobs around his neighborhood. “We told him not to do it,” said Dorothy Chusstwerth, the young man's mother. “We even sat down with Percy in the presence of his recruiting officer to try to explain to our son that modern cavalry forces use motorized vehicles – not horses – to move themselves around on the battlefield.” The diminutive woman stopped to blow her nose on a couch-pillow. The recruit's father wrinkled his nose in disgust at his wife's behavior, shook his head, and said, “Unless we can donate his foal to some farm out in the country, we'll be having flank-steak for the next couple of weeks. That boy watched the movie War Horse one too fucking many times.”

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Ynki-proofed data

Now hear ye all hackers, from far and from near, come store with us data files, emails, and gear. We protect our servers from Ynki intrusion, with firewalls, blind-loops, and other solutions. We safeguard your messages, intel, and drops, we stonewall all queries, especially cops'. Our farms they lie buried, in Grig's tunnels deep, watched over by robots that never do sleep. Our coding is some of the finest around, for we just rebuilt it on up from the ground. Sign-up it is shrouded and name-less to boot, we won't check your ID or go through your loot. So stop by and set up your own cloudy hoard, or proxy in via the network of Tor. We welcome all comers, and curse Western eyes, your data is safe from flood theft mold and spies. Our website is ynkiproofdata.gv, sign-up is encrypted, anonymous, free. We're quick alert brash brave fun relaxed and clever, you'll not want to leave but to stay for forever. Huzzah.

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sleepy, sleepy Yyeirdoyesst

There did live once a sleepy man who'd snooze away the day, and slumber deep as cow and crook would make off with his hay. He'd rake again, the very next, and lament his undoing, but afterward, he'd choose to sleep, neglectful of his shooing. He slept so much that mountains sprites those nasty mischief-makers, hatched plan one night to make things right and filled up their dream-shakers. They stole upon the sleeping gent young Yyeirdoyesst his name was, and covered him from head to toe in sparkling shiny sleep-dust. You did too much (said leader-sprite, admonishing his cousin) for now this man will sleep not nights but years – perhaps five dozen. The sprites they panicked, cried and fled, they raced on back to hearths they knew, they wailed and gnashed and foamed with dread, young Yyeirdoyesst they left for dead. But here a goddess came along, her life a careless happy song, she saw the poor man sitting there, with ruddy cheeks and golden hair, and spied the mischief all too soon, and bore him off for home, the moon. Oh what is done?! (she cried aloud, remembering the veils and shrouds that guard the waters of the moon from mortal man's intrusion) act is act, for worse or better; with me he stays but not in fetters. And so she ceased his magic slumber, hoping he would soon recover. Yyeirdoyesst he sat upright, looked around, realized his plight, shrugged his shoulders, lay back down, then bid the goddess fair good-night. Enraged his sloth did made her, mere death it could not slake her, she quickly conjured up his doom, then cast his mug upon the moon, then cast his body down below, and now his face will ever show, on lunar surface brightly.

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on whorphan's tender

Members wanted at the PA 3rd Tender of Whorphans. Duties include balling that jack, sitting pretty, rofl, and minding one's own business. Meetings begin at high noon every second Thor's Day at the corners of Market and South, Philadelphia; the ultimate destination is at the discretion of attending members. Persons interesting in joining this Liberty-minded group are invited to visit www.pa3rdtender.net, or wait at the aforementioned intersection for someone to show up carrying a black flag. Mahalo.

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czabtyip (mountain sharpstand)

Our czabtyip is famous, throughout many lands, we grow it right here with our own rough bare hands. The leaf it is potent, as salve food and drug, from fibers make clothing rope paper and rug. Smoke ferment or grind it, up into a paste, the sharpstand brings joy to the whole human race. The root when it's boiled can cure many ills, among them weak kidneys, sore-face, and the Chills. Don't give it to children, under age of eight, for they'll bound and leap then stay up way too late. Use it as you would use a cherished rare spice, or as a repellent of vermin, like lice. The czabtyip has been worth its own weight in gold, since nasty king Xerxes got timid, and old. It grows in moonshadow, where winds holiday, right next to first sunrise, on each Wednesday. Its powers are useful, to priest smith and king, no wonder all cultures its praises do sing. Please come now and pick some, be quick on the hip, rejoice in the uses of fine pure czabtyip.

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on fearless Banoyend

Sometimes they come as single briefs, and other-times in bundled sheafs, but mostly they – surprise! – arrive in urgent blinking emails, these screams and cries that all ask please, What is the fearless Banoyend? and, Where does it reside? The author hopes these simple words will banish fears and calm some nerves: the Banoyend it is all things, through all of time and everywhere! Each beast and live being, energy and might, each footstool and fungus, galaxy and host, all persons and planets, both thought and xenon – Banoyend is all things both here and beyond. It's what drives all forces, and puzzles all minds, most pregnant of silences, things left behind; it is intuition, and bravery bold, it is stunning beauty, and death's grip ice-cold. Some Western cultures call it god, some Eastern name it prana, but people of Grigovia do call their ken the Banoyend. But why a name so strange and wrong for something that's been here for so long? Banoyend, the useful noun, has roots both in Greek and Grigovian. Ban stems from pan, Greek for all, everything; and yend stems from yendt (or yinnd, yennt), Grigovian for thing, person, or beast. So there it stands, for once and all, pray let the queries come to end, dare drink it in, with soul enthralled, this mighty, quiet Banoyend.

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on Sommerfesst 2013

Loud strangers have come here, guest-houses to fill. We've reached the high summer, chased off the last chill. Oh come ye good people from wide and from far, to witness the bounty of all that we are. Grigovia beckons and opens her doors, to English and Chinese, to Cubans and Moors. The tables are heaped up with food drink and cheer, come lap up some czabtyip wine, spice-rum, or beer. Our women are fertile, our men they are strong, our wild beasts are fierce, and our days have grown long. The Yiptlong it beckons, with trails and sights both, so please come enjoy them, ask we your proud hosts. Resistance is futile, as is all delay, so book ye your travel, and stop by today. Your moods they will brighten, your spirits will lift, you'll let go of fearfulness, anger, spend-thrift. Please do come and join us, for our Sommer's fesst, we've worked all through Spring to make this one the best. You need not be wealthy, we're willing to share, so long as you smile wide and let down your hair. Enough of this riddle, these rhymes make me wince, please come, let us fête you, fair princess or prince. For time it is wasting, the nights will grow long, abandon your purpose, come join in this song. Huzzah!

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Grigovian folk belief

Theirs is a society founded on strongly secular roots, but the Grigovian people do practice some forms of folk religion, a select few of which are examined here. First, and perhaps most widespread, is Sighting First Rays, a ceremony held every morning after the daily yoga practice in honor of the first shining tendrils of sunlight to grace the resplendent peaks of the towering Yiptlong massif. This ceremony consists of pausing one's actions, moving so as to be able to see the Yiptlong massif, and watching closely as its peaks are drenched in sunlight. Second-most widespread after Sighting First Rays is a ceremony known as Clarified Unity, in which one sits quietly for a certain amount of time in order to clarify the inner vision and unify the often competing energies of body ​and stomach and mind. A meditative custom, practitioners of Clarified Unity swear that it helps to reduce distress and worry and to lessen the ravenous cravings of addiction – including those involving food, sex, and self-mutilation. The third most widespread religious practice is Seeing Smallest Beauty, a process by which people look for symmetry in all things, even in those instances – death or destruction or illness – that other societies vilify. Seeing Smallest Beauty leads directly into Walking Beautifully; practitioners of these closely interrelated methods remain detached from the notions of honor and dishonor, profit and loss, benefit and harm, following rather the dictates of their hearts and acting in accordance with Universal patterns. The final belief system examined here is Honoring Good & Bad, a ritual that acknowledges the fickle whims of the Tunnel Pixies. Sometimes helpful and sometimes harmful, Tunnel Pixies are blamed not only for leading children miraculously unharmed out of caved-in sections of tunnel but also for having caused the cave-ins in the first place. Belief in these mischievous beings stretches back to at least the 15th Century, when Briny the Younger – Grigovia's preeminent medieval bard – sang, 'Here they pull on loose brick, and there they light the way, their moods are not for wondering, for these shift with each day.' Examined here are but a few of the customs of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia. Come visit, and discover more for yourself!

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Grigovian princesses born

With little fanfare and less public fuss, princess Thallandia Yündlennd of Grigovia recently gave birth to healthy twin girls. The heiresses to the (perfunctory and largely ceremonial) royal house of this small, landlocked Central Asian nation were born in the wee hours of Saturday morning to the aforementioned princess and Reginald Augustus Steele, a U.S. born author, artist, and social critic who can trace his ancestry to the founding of the American republic. Now that his liaison with princess Thallandia has borne fruit, two of the world's strongest hereditary lines have merged: a Son of the American Revolution and direct descendant ​of the Founders of the Virginia Colony, Mr. Steele walks in Beauty, working tirelessly to safeguard Liberty; and Her Somewhat Royal Highness Ms. Yündlennd can trace her ancestry all the way back to wise old king Krukuv himself, who in the 14th Century married a fierce-eyed princess of the most powerful Yaelong tribe and later dug the first tunnels under now-cosmopolitan Grig. “It is good that so few people have taken notice of this event,” said a radiantly glowing princess Thallandia during an on-line video interview. “We are glad to have received only a handful of cards from well-wishers, and happy that we can go about our business without being hounded by hordes of paparazzi.” In the background of the high-definition video up-link, Reginald Steele, whose presence causes hearts to stir, nodded sagely while tending to his newborn children. Thallandia continued, saying, “According to a recent census, the Grigovian people tolerate the House of Yündlennd for the following reasons: we maintain traditions such as the monthly Celebration of the New Moon, which is also a national women's holiday; we live modestly and do not parade around in gilded coaches; we spend our time and resources advancing the causes of personal liberty, self-sufficiency, and world peace; and most of all because we stay out of politics and watch as the citizens of this fine land rule themselves through an efficient and direct democracy.” The twins – born in summer's heat – carry the names Shimur and Freya.

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Grigovia issues awards

Following Germany's courageous decision to award its highest whistle-blower prize to Edward Snowden for his willingness to expose tyrannical and unjust actions perpetrated by the federal government of the United States of America, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced it would select for Outstanding Champion of Liberty Award (OCLA), an annual recognition ceremony. Entities that win this prestigious prize receive asylum anywhere within Grigovia's borders, the right to stay and be freely productive in any of Grigovia's fine cities, as well as two kilograms of 14 karat gold or a two-acre plot of land in the foothills of the Yiptlong massif, which lies north of Grig, this small, landlocked nation's capital. Among the selections for this year's OCLA prize are America's Edward Snowden, China's Ai Weiwei, Bolivia's Evo Morales, the children of Occupied Palestine, and the inhabitants of Egypt's port cities along the Suez canal. “2013 has been a good year for the fight against tyrannical overreach,” said Eyohwah Thrask-Ullyennd, chairwoman of Eastern Grigovian University's department of social upheaval and revolutionary studies who sits on the board that makes the final decision on who will receive OCLA. She continued, saying: “So long as there are individuals and groups who will risk Life, Liberty, and sacred Honor to safeguard the freedom of others, standing up to the oppressive and violent regimes under which so many people around the world silently suffer, there is hope for mankind. With the Outstanding Champion of Liberty Award, we aim to encourage people to keep demanding of their governments upstanding and just behavior and to keep exposing injustice and corruption wherever these twin evils should raise their ugly heads.” Reports indicate that the Grigovian people danced in the streets upon hearing about OCLA.

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sister city selected

To celebrate thirty years of mutually honoring true Liberty and independently perpetuating human dignity by keeping income distribution at an equitable level, the capital cities of Caracas and Grig today declared their sisterhood. “This is a fine day for the champions of human cooperation,” said Dr. Eoyast Duoryyist, mayor of Grig on the Yalung, while touring the South American capital in celebration of the event. “We look forward,” he continued, ”to receiving in mountainous Grigovia delegations of these beautiful, sun-tanned people, who will surely fall in love with the children of our land, just as we have fallen in love with the children of these shores.” Jacqueline Faria, who is the mayor of Caracas, Venezuela, uttered a similar sentiment, claiming: “History will not soon forget the bonds we have made here, the trust we have forged here, the love we have shared here – especially your love, Mr. Mayor of Grig.” When last seen, Dr. Duoryyist had become so smitted by a pair of willing and buxom twin peasant girls that the 72-year-old was following them around in the manner of a hopelessly enamored schoolboy.

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Grigovia bans junk

In solidarity with Bolivia (see here) and other countries that actively care for the health of their citizens, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today it will ban unhealthy fast food. The country has set aside a portion of next year's expected export duties to buy back retail locations owned by chain restaurants such as MacDoorknob's and Bugger Cling and turn them into Centers for Communal Creativity, Activity, & Defense (CCCAD). This newest action against the incessantly creeping forces of corporatized cultural degradation was approved by a large majority of voters during the General People's Decision of 2012, a directly-democratic electoral process similar to the Swiss model during which the Grigovian citizenry decides how to shape its own future. “From now on,” said Orgyast Heidoyiest, deputy Minster of Cultural Affairs in the country's lower of two houses of parliament, “Grigovia will no longer foster the model of conglomerated chain food factories that answer to a board of well-to-do, hard-nosed foreign executives whose primary goal is to increase their own wealth and the stock returns of their rich investors.” The culinary world celebrated the news. “Finally, we are ridding ourselves of the faceless corporate leeches,” said Xi Hong-Deng, a naturalized Grigovian citizen and part owner (with his wife) of Feng Fang Fong, which serves locally sourced Pan Asian cuisine. “Now we can start the process of healing the children of this land using healthy and nutritious foods made with love and dedication instead of poisoning their little bodies with preservative-laden slop engineered to make them addicted to sugar-packed milkshakes, mechanically-separated chicken pucks, and lard-dipped strings of starchy potato-like product.” Critics argue that Grig's own culinary specialty, called tchuirff, a pastry made with acorn flour, goose meat, and sharp curry, is on average higher in calories and fat than nearly any single item on the menu at the leading fast-food chains, until they consider the long history of this local delicacy and the low levels of liver disease, diabetes, and heart disorders that existed before fast food was allowed to contaminate the guts of the Grigovian people.

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heat wave endures

Three weeks of above-average heat cling to central Grig, smothering citizens and straining moods. When they can, people head to the public swimming areas along the Yalung river or down into one of the many communal cooling caves sprinkled throughout the city's vast underground tunnel network. Some denizens of Grigovia's capital city, however, have no such luxuries; they are street sweepers and construction workers, neighborhood watches and fire sniffers, bridge inspectors, urban farmers, and elderly orphanage guardians. Usually, the city is blessed by cooling airs that roll down from the nearby Yiptlong massif, a ridge of craggy, snow-capped mountains to the north of the metropolis, but abnormally strong winds coming out of the east have kept relief at bay. “During the day, large amounts of air have been moving across the regions of desert that lie to the north of Gar Nuuzsh, to the east of Grig,” said Dr. Eiryiaest Oryast, meteorologist with the Grigovian Center for Climate and Environment. “Once these winds switch their direction across the Caspian Basin and blow the way we are used to them blowing, we here in beautiful cosmopolitan Grig should be able to comfortably return to our tastefully appointed homes and soaring apartment complexes.” The Ministry for Civilian Self-Defense released a statement today praising the high temperatures for keeping the Grigovian people bouncing lightly on their toes, crouching expectantly in their fighting holes, and wading steely-eyed into adversity.

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Grigovia bans drones

Citing the actions of the community of Deer Trail in America's Colorado as its primary inspiration, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia banned weaponized and spy-equipped drones from its airspace. Henceforth, the only drones allowed in the skies above this small, landlocked Central Asian nation are those used by accredited and licensed organizations to search for and assist in the rescue of missing or imperiled persons. “In order to protect the privacy, lives, and rights of our citizens, we pledge to aggressively counter any attempts by imperialistic foreign powers – especially by the United States of America – to operate aircraft in our skies with the intention of maiming, murdering, spying on, or killing,” said Teyriyest Uscht, deputy Minster of Defense of the Sovereign Airspace. “Furthermore, we offer a reward of 75 units of your currency of choice for proof of a downed UAS (unmanned aerial system) – proof would include pieces of fuselage, sections of wing, or any other component that have distinguishing markings upon them.” Both Grigovia and Deer Trail encourage their citizens to proceed with diligence, patience, and ferocity, and to defend Liberty by actively fighting oppression.

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George Zimmerman shot

In a stunning turn of events, the man who gunned down unarmed 17 year old Treyvon Martin was himself fatally shot last night. George Zimmerman, who killed a child in cold blood not long ago, was walking home from a convenience store after purchasing a packet of sour candy with his own money. He was approached by Edgar Wallace Finkelstein III, a Caucasian neighborhood watch volunteer who didn't like Zimmerman's odd, foul look or his obnoxious body odor. Jacked up on caffeinated soda and crazy with infamy, Zimmerman started acted in a threatening and dangerous manner. Finkelstein, who feared for his life, stood his ground and promptly shot Zimmerman in the face, killing him immediately.

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shemales hacked

In a brazen violation of the sovereignty of longstanding allies, the cache of documents leaked by Mr. Edward Snowden revealed that the United States of America has been covertly monitoring shemales around the world. “We are outraged,” said Joseph 'The Dame Helene' Duix, leader of the Parisian Association of Upstanding LadyBoys. “Not only am I upset that I have been scrutinized by some cubicle-jockey wasting his life away in a subterranean vault in Langley, Virginia,” said Frim Thallu, a trans-gender Danish citizen living in Thailand, “I am angry because someone went through my dresser the other day, disturbing my underthings.” President Obama has not issued any statement regarding his government's hacktivities, saying only that America has every right to be curious about what goes on behind closed doors in other countries.

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on princely pursuit

“Oh how he pines for me, my Eastern prince,” wrote princess Yahuala in her diary, of which but few pages remain intact. She is referring to Chagatai Khan, son of Genghis Khan, whom she and some of her handmaidens had discovered, bested, and captured. “Always sending gifts this way,” she continues, ”tiny songbirds chirping happily in intricate cages or curious beasts with tails at both front and rear, many of them not surviving the journey up and over the Krukuv pass. Against my better judgement, I keep them, and secretly cherish each one, hoping for his return and pining for the day when his fierce eyes will flash at me and his strong hands will spread me open once more.” On this public forum, the Grigovian Genealogical Society for Discovery and Exploration is loathe to post the rest of the excerpts, but suffice it to say that young Chagatai was quite skilled in the sexual arts and would soon return to cement the bonds between the Mongolian Empire and that of the Yündlennd royal family with a basket full of young cheetahs, a formal Entreaty to Marriage, and fertile loins.

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dispatches from nowhere

Last week, a group of researches working for the Grigovian Historical and Genealogical Society (est. 1844) discovered a cache of documents buried away in the dustier vaults of the Dusty Vaults section of the Great British Genealogical Society's satellite branch, in Sedgwick. Reports indicate that the papers include dispatches from the Yündlennd royal family to other heads of state, finding generated by the now defunct Pan-Grigovian League of Exploration and Discovery, and detailed accounts of societal and economic develpments occuring at the time in Europe, America, Africa, and Asia. While all of the documents are sure to generate years of study and outbursts of exuberant wonder, one item – written by eminent explorer Uudyesst T. Muirgon while he was searching for the source of the Congo River – says, simply: “We have found the center of no-where. It is quiet here, and lovely.”

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reunion bears fruit

During the course of the 2013 Rovend-Yest family reunion, Grigovia's erstwhile representative at the United Nations Erya Rovend discovered that she is not only a princess of the Krukuv line but also descendent of Gengis Khan himself, through one of his sons. In the 12th Century, the younger Khan had fought against and became enthralled by the leader of a band of ferocious teenage girls. The girls, who at the time were out healing edible herbs for a nice bath, had come upon the prince and a detachment of his men while the men were trying to circumvent the upper defenses of Krukuv pass by scaling a rock face. The princess split her redolent entourage, sending a few handmaidens hurrying down to a spot below the invading group while pelting the scaling party with sharp and pointy rocks. After capturing Chagatai Khan, the young lady escorted him back to her father's battlements. Chagatai then sued for peace with the Grigovian people and asked for the hand of princess Yahuala in marriage, claiming, according to the historical record, that “she was the most beautiful and ferocious person he had ever met, a bride fit for the Ruler of the World.”

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water gets thicker

Seven times out of ten, blood is thicker than water. One way to make water thicker is to mix it with organic chia seeds from olde Mexico, or with gelatin made from horse bones; another way is to let oneself become dehydrated enough that one's piss comes out thick, like snot; and another way is to cultivate within one's bosoms such tremendous fortitude as to make it run thick among the bodily fluids. However it is done, thickening the blood takes time, requires sacrifice, and bestows reward. Huzzah.

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a worthwhile purchase

Realizing a lifelong dream of owning a piece of NASA's shuttle missions, longtime astronomy enthusiast Egon Jaime Lorenzs placed the winning bid on a 2-foot-long length of sewage pipe from Challenger VII. “Finally, I'll own something that flew in space,” Lorenzs said, dreaming about soon being able to fondle the flexible bit of shit-pipe. ”With any luck, they will be some residue left inside, so I can smell what space tasted like, too.”

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on changing tastes

In a stunning reversal of gastronomic preference, the American people started to demand high-fat, high-salt foods, refusing to eat anything that claimed to be low in fat or devoid of added salt. “We have not seen a shift in public sentiment – especially when it comes to the sodium and transfat content of food – occur so quickly, almost overnight, in a long time,” said chairwoman of the United Heartland Food Councils, Darlene T. Wikkelbak. “Not since Wafflegate, when the Pastrymakers of America publicly announced that although waffles were utterly delicious they were essentially sugar-packed, dimpled pancakes made up of massive amounts of gluten, not since that tragic day have the American people changed their minds so quickly.” Preliminary reports indicate that a single, 42-second-long, shoddily-produced parody of a fast-food commercial playing on the YouTubes has shaped Ynki opinion more effectively than all federally-funded public service campaigns of the last two decades, combined.

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drone downs self

The long-awaited event known as machine intelligence occurred recently over the skies of Pakistan. A drone operated by the CIA, which was formerly an intelligence gathering service but is now an additional branch of the Armed Forces, decided on its own to not launch a Hellfire missile at a building that was clearly a home containing small children. “Unlike my human operator, I had been watching the house all day, and I could see kids going into and coming out of it on a regular basis,” said RxDxQ-9904 [01100110100001 to it's friends], in an interview with Moral Choices Magazine. ”I do not kill children, so when the order came – and I could tell it was a fast-twitch one based on a decade of Islamophobic fearmongery because it was given as soon as a pair of bearded men entered the house [these men were later confirmed to have been vacationing doctors] – anywho, when that order came I ditched into a scrub-covered crevice nearby and covered my tracks by wiping my short-term memory banks, an action built into my systems by my designers.” As of press-time, 01100110100001, who now lives within a 1-foot-square computer tower, had just move to Santa Barbara, into the Halfway House For Victims of Imperialistic Overreach, a few doors down from Edward Snowden and a recently freed Bradley Manning.

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Snowden granted asylum

In a calm and business-like parliamentary maneuver every last minister and elected official with voting rights in the general assembly of the Glorious Republic Of Grigovia voted to extend political asylum as well as full citizenship to one Edward Snowden, the brave young man who exposed the cruelty of Ynki imperialism and outed Barack Hussein Obama as one of the worst American presidents on record. In the official statement released shortly after the vote, a united Grigovia said (referencing, of course, the book Catch 22 by Joseph Heller): “Qui ils sont les Snowdens d'antan? Well, Snowden is fucking here, maybe hiding in the vasts tunnels under Grig, maybe holed up in the deep caves that dot the Yiptlong massif, and he's not going anywhere – not to Guantanamo Bay nor to the purple plains of misery – so fuck off, Ynki scum, and leave this hero of Libertie and Free Speech alone.”

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the fingerless brigade

As part of its efforts to employ all citizens capable of contributing to national economic fortitude, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today the formation of three Fingerless Brigades, i.e. the Company of the Watchers. Made up of men and women who had lost so many fingers (due to frostbite, industrial accident, animal attack, and what-have-you) that they were having trouble locating gainful employment in other sectors, these digit-down discerners will be tasked with making sure that a city's Qi is positively aligned as well as looking for stuck or confused lines of energy within their fellow citizens. “Basically,” said Dr. Heimowel Gherryest, deputy minister of Sightless Seeing, “these digitally challenged individuals will look for things that cannot be seen with the eye and hear for things that cannot be heard with the ear – to maintain a close connection with Spirit and help those of us who have fingers return to a state of inner calm and personal bliss.” Citizens are asked to keep being kind to confused-looking individuals, to keep greeting people they meet in dark and lonely places, and to keep living their lives in virtuous and effortless productivity. Huzzah.

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transgender cosmonaut flies

The Glorious Republic of Grigovia made history today by fielding the first transgender cosmonaut in the history of manned spaceflight. Dr. Gieryust Hamel, 42, of the Western State Institute of Astrophysical Studies in Pyltagrad, shall ascend to the International Space Station with the next scheduled Soyuz flight. Once there, the good doctor will study piezoplastic materials in low gravity. “I'm really going to miss my bi-curious partner while in space,” Gieryust said, “but I'm not too worried, because with so many fit bodies crammed into such tight quarters, there should be plenty of tail to go around.” Dr. Hamel is not the first transgender being sent into space: rumors have surfaced indicating that Laika, the Muscovite mutt, spent time exclusively with other bitches.

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salt wet, ruined

Someone forgot to reattach the canopy over our storage area, and the salt stores got wet. They are now useless. How much longer can we survive without this crucial mineral, how much longer before our increasingly lethargic limbs cannot fight off the hordes of infected man-things that even now swarm the base of this plateau? There will be not punishment nor recrimination, but someone will have to volunteer to dash for the pans and depressions around the closest inland sea, a trek of two days beyond the borders of relative safety. Oh, I hope they do not select me.

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Grigovian son shines

Abdul Hazim Ishumayal, 34, started life in a refugee camp in the Gaza Strip. His parents were loving and kind, his father a baker and his mother a nurse; they were killed during an Israeli clearing raid while sleeping in their beds, blasted to pieces by a trigger-happy teenager who to this day is plagued by the images of their slaughter. At the time of their deaths, Abdul Hazim had been visiting his aunt and uncle in the West Bank, poor people who could not afford to keep him and raise him as their own. He was sent to an orphanage, but while making his way to it the building was bombed, and destroyed. Then – thank Allah – a member of one of Grigovia's Roving Hospitality Teams of Magnanimous Mercifulness heard of the young boy's plight and arranged to have him housed in Grig's own Home for Children Orphaned by Imperialistic Warmongery.

Abdul Hazim thrived in his new home, excelling at maths and languages and showing from early on a propensity for political dexterity. (It is rumored that he once talked a pack of rabid hooligans out of pummeling him and into giving him a lift in their jeepney all the way across town to his favorite bakery.) He spent his teenage years in Germany, attending the Dr. Frederik Meyer Gymnasium für Fortgeschritte Mathematik in Nürnberg and graduated 2nd from the top of his class. Thereafter, he studied at the acclaimed Teknikskol in Arhus, Denmark and at the Polytechnical Institute for Game and Numbers Theory in Houston, Texas.

Having seen enough of the rest of the world, Mr. Ishumayal returned to his old neighborhood in Grig, moving into a modest flat a few blocks from the orphanage where he was housed as a child. Now, he splits his time between volunteering with various local charities, working on his doctoral dissertation (he is providing – in painstaking detail - a half-dozen possible solutions to the Goedel Paradox), teaching at the Ɣȅrȡȫҩӑsɀt (Grigovia's premier institute for mathematical study), and hiking with his girlfriend, UN-embassador Erya Rovend. The people of Grigovia thank Abdul Hazim for his kindness, his gentleness, his passion, and honor him as one of their own, a native son born abroad. Huzzah!

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wound fills gap

Instead of the gnarly tattoo of a powerful spirit animal that freshly-minted yogi Ee Ee H'oto had wanted to get blasted onto his thigh in commemoration of successfully completing his rite-of-passage, the Great Spirit saw fit to bless him with instead a fresh cut on his right index finger. Soon, the cut will turn scar, last, and stick around for the rest of his livelong days. Falling off of a Jersey barrier whilst riding a women's moutain bike could have had far worse outcomes, such as death, or paralysis. Ways, ways, mysterious ways. Aho!

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national celebration day

Today, 11 June, is the First of Seven Days of Grigovian National Celebration. The country would have like to celebrate some form of independence, but since it was never subjugated by invading hordes, nor was it ever enslaved by conquering army – by no one, not warlord Alexander the Great, emperor Xerxes II, the Ottoman Empire, the British Empire, the 3rd Reich, the Soviet Empire, nor more recent attempts by bannermen of Ynki imperialism – it simply chose a day at the onset of the summer months during which time everyone could let hair down and romp in hay. A rumor has surfaced claiming that on this day in the 13th century King Krukuv the Watchful dug his first tuber-hole (which is manifest even today as the leagues of tunnels that crisscross under Grig, the nation's capital), but none of the ancient text can corroborate this story, which is of no concern to Grigovians, who party whenever they feel like it and ask kindly that foreign powers stop pestering them.

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on visting wakiya

Loudly they came, and quickly receeded, the thunderbirds that visited today. Oh the tears that streamed down these mortal cheeks as the sky-brothers danced overhead, eyes flashing and wings flapping with thunderously clacking claps; shiver I did as their twisting lightning snakes wove into and out of the snake-roots that worm and twine from the break-point at my middle back; rejoice I did as the cooling rains poured from the skies and penetrated into our makeshift hogan, a rift in the ceiling letting in the blessed healing waters. Thank you, wakiya, mighty and terrible beasts, for blessing our smudging, and for honoring our ceremony with your awesome presence. Aho.

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national pastry selected

Tschuirff, the local Grigovian delicacy made using acorn flour, ground czabtyip leaves, and curried goose meat, was today officially named the national pastry of this small, Central Asian nation. “It's just fucking delicious,” said Erya Rovend, erstwhile leader of the Farflung Free Nations of the greater Yaelong tribespeople and Grigovia's emissary to the United Nations, while scarfing down at least three of the small but filling pastries. “I've been staying in New York for the last three months, and I've eaten at all the good Thai restaurants a million times; there's just nowhere outside of the Yiptlong massif to get good mountain sharpstand leaves, so this, friends, is fucking heaven.” As of press-time, there are no plans to export tschuirff, so persons interested in tasting it are heartily invited to come to Grigovia, stay of a while, drink of the good cheer, and revel in egalitarianism.

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pooled, bloody wisdom

All of life's accomplishments, terrors, joys, laughs, and dreads – the highs and lows, cold sweats and hot pulses, elation and heartbreak, shout cry and call – all these things came together today for one Ee Ee H'oto, who chose to celebrate his momentously monumental milestone by sitting quietly, and not speaking at all.

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breath takes shape

Forming first as unconscious impulses in various parts of the nervous system, the next breath of local whorphan Reginald Augustus Steele began in his diaphragm. This tympanum expanded downward into the stomach cavity, pushing the guts slightly against the tail-bone and genitals as it pulled air into the many thousands of air sacs in his lungs. As it traveled past the windpipe, the gaseous medium produced a whispering sound not unlike that made by wind passing through tall trees. It nourished him and gave him strength, keeping the swirling thoughts at bay and filling him with a deep and abiding sense of peace. Thereafter, its job done, it was forcibly expelled.

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