haiku 2 Jan 2018

A yoga of rest
Mind and body unburdened
Per doctor’s orders

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

sweet-tooth actually diabetes

Contrary to popular belief, the delight with which local resident Horace J. Winston consumes sweets is not due to a sweet-tooth of yore. In fact, his endocrinological system - having been subjected to decades of frequent alcohol consumption combined with a sedentary lifestyle - is now struggling to adequately regulate Winston’s blood-glucose levels. Unless he makes drastic changes in his daily patterns and habits within the next couple of years, his condition will be exacerbated, and worsen.

On an average day, Horace consumes at least five beers in one sitting, two meals of primarily meats and cheeses; he drives nearly everywhere he must go, walking only a few miles cumulatively. (In secret, Winston knows something is amiss inside but chooses to blame it on the common cold or changes in the weather.)

No one in his circle of friends or relatives appears concerned about the Winston’s fate, however, since they are clueless to the signs of onsetting diabetes and themselves engaged heavily in both sloth and overindulgence. With health insurance priced out of his reach, Horace will also not be seeing a doctor, anytime soon.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] ​

drone downs self

The long-awaited event known as machine intelligence occurred recently over the skies of Pakistan. A drone operated by the CIA, which was formerly an intelligence gathering service but is now an additional branch of the Armed Forces, decided on its own to not launch a Hellfire missile at a building that was clearly a home containing small children. “Unlike my human operator, I had been watching the house all day, and I could see kids going into and coming out of it on a regular basis,” said RxDxQ-9904 [01100110100001 to it's friends], in an interview with Moral Choices Magazine. ”I do not kill children, so when the order came – and I could tell it was a fast-twitch one based on a decade of Islamophobic fearmongery because it was given as soon as a pair of bearded men entered the house [these men were later confirmed to have been vacationing doctors] – anywho, when that order came I ditched into a scrub-covered crevice nearby and covered my tracks by wiping my short-term memory banks, an action built into my systems by my designers.” As of press-time, 01100110100001, who now lives within a 1-foot-square computer tower, had just move to Santa Barbara, into the Halfway House For Victims of Imperialistic Overreach, a few doors down from Edward Snowden and a recently freed Bradley Manning.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia employs seniors

Reluctant to lose the collective knowledge of its aging generations, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently established the Wisdom & Heritage Institute (WHI) at Queen Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. At the Institute, knowledgeable persons older than sixty years are invited to share their wisdom and talents with the general public in a structured, scholastic environment. “We have much to learn from the people who came before us, from patriots who fought for their freedom against both Nazi and Soviet,” said Derogast Olyindt of the Center for Graceful Aging, a private charitable organization. He continued, saying, “For too long have we let them rot away, alone and sad, in elder-care facilities. I applaud efforts currently under way to engage with individuals of such value.” Classes will be held on the campus of WHI, a refurbished former industrial site on the Yalung River with views of both Lady Liberty and the distant, towering Yiptlong massif. “These our latest efforts were born primarily from American and European studies,” said Dr. Hueiyue Yen, head of geriatrics at Grig's own Yündlennd Healing Hospital. “Numerous meta-studies show that when an older person is valued by his society for more than his ability to die slowly in a nursing home, he leads a healthier, happier, and more independent life, right up until its end.”

A majority of the curricula at the Wisdom and Heritage Institute will focus on vanishing native arts such as basketry, storytelling, animal husbandry, and celestial navigation. A few senior citizens have signed up to teach martial arts, wilderness survival skills, yoga, cat-burglary, and bicycle repair on-the-fly. (The Institute apologizes that these courses filled up within hours of becoming available; it invites persons with experience in these fields to come teach.) In addition to classes, WHI will hold workshops in which older mentors will be paired up with and learn how to guide and assist their younger counterparts along life's twists and turns. Once again, the organizers of the Institute mined primarily American and European studies for methods to combat mental decay and physical atrophy among older citizens.

Classes are provided free of charge once applicants submit detailed declarations of purpose written on no fewer than three pages (single-spaced and using the font Heraldic New). The Institute aims to build camaraderie amongst all strata of Grigovian society while serving as a breeding ground for new ideas and a safe place to test them out. “Students should not expect formal testing, rote memorization, or chalk on blackboards,” said Mrs. Hilde Wendoyend, PhD., head of the Ministry of Education, a co-sponsor of WHI. “What they should expect is the unexpected: making blood stew from goat freshly slaughtered or learning how to pick a pocket while juggling, skills the average person can use on a daily basis.” Donations to the Wisdom and Heritage Fund, which helps to finance the WHI, can be made On-line or dropped off at any branch of the Grigovian National Bank. For more information about being a student or teacher at WHI, please contact your local censor.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

human facial oil

Oil won from the human facial gland is a highly-prized, much sought-after industrial lubricant crucial to the operation of a number of America's most advanced weapons systems, among them the M1A tank and various drones, including the MQ7-1. Some of the highest-volume producers of this precious commodity are persons living in dry and desert climates, as, lacking abundant water ​stores, their skin cools and protects itself from the scorching sun by secreting rich and luxurious oils from glands located on the face, scalp, and neck. While persons critical of the war of aggression that America is waging against the Afghani people blame its addiction to fossil fuels as the reason it broke hundreds of years of honorable tradition by maiming and torturing and killing persons merely suspected of wanting to harm its people and government, the primary reason the United States of America put boots on the ground in the Middle East was to secure access to the region's richest facial-oil-producing tribes, families, and groups.

“The Yanki came and began to measure the heads of our children,” said Shiruf Muhammud, a 34 year-old Afghani shepherd, through an interpreter. “They poked them with sticks of cotton and put those sticks in bags, rushing the bags to a waiting truck which drove off as soon as the bags were secured in large plastic coolers in the rear.” After tea, Shiruf told us that the Americans had come back a few weeks later, at first inviting, then coaxing, then ultimately threatening the parents of the town to let their children move to a giant house specially-built for harvesting the superfine oils secreted by the very young. “In the end, the Ammriki simply took the children,” the man continued, close to tears. “Loaded them up onto their trucks and drove off without telling us anything or paying us any money. My son and a few others escaped, and walked back here, but others are still missing. My niece, a girl of four years, has not yet returned.”

By weight more valuable – combined – than the yartsa gunbu, a unicorn's tears, the short-hairs of an honest politician, and the powdered and dried pancreas of Saint Francis of Assisi, human facial oil (HFO) is gaining popularity in Southern and Eastern Asian cultures as a cure-all drug. “I proscribe face oil for skin problems such as eczema and shingles, for internal problems such as ulcers and stomach cancer, and for rubbing onto sore and swollen joints, in particular the knees,” said Dr. Song Yue-Shi, who operates a number of healing centers in Hong Kong and mainland China. “The success rate of HFO treatment is very high, especially for persons suffering from HIV and from disorders of the central nervous system.” Independent clinical studies of HFO are rare, due to the substance's limited availability and its recent classification, by the U.S. Department of Defense, as a strategic national resource. Said Howard K. Schandenbürger, Jr., spokesperson for the Secretary of Defense, during a press conference held to address concerns over the ethical harvesting of HFO from non-combatants and children: “Facial oil is a sustainable, natural resource collected humanely and with due diligence from willing, well-compensated individuals across the globe. To minimize our impact on production capacity of HFO in regions subjugated for the benefit of America's corporations, such as in Afghanistan and Tajikistan, however, we have begun to recruit individuals of Native American ancestry living in this country's South-West, most notably members of the Hopi and Cherokee tribes, who have long been known to excrete facial oils of high quality.” Curiously, America's teenagers of European descent, who produce copious amounts of HFO daily, were not mentioned as candidates for harvesting.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

drug-free America

  National organizations such as the Partnership for a Drug-Free America and Above the Influence are established to educate children about drugs, including alcohol, in the hopes that these children will not use drugs. Until the last doctor proscribes the last prescription to Addreall, which is synthesized meth-emphetamine, and until the last child pops his Ritalin, which bears close resemblance to cocaine, our children will not be drug-free.
  The positive affect of getting kids hooked on synthetic meth and synthetic coke is that the purity of the drugs they are taking is very high, and the dosages are easily discernible, thus lessening the likelihood that these kids will overdose or be poisoned by the drugs they receive from their parents and from their doctors.
  Until the last liquor store closes and the last pack of cigarettes is sold, we will not be free of drugs in America. Until the last parent stops taking the last pill to combat their probably obesity-related illness, we will not be free of drugs in America.
  The only way to show our kids that life is livable without drugs is to make all drugs in this country illegal and unobtainable. Otherwise, we are sending our young people mixed messages that they will misinterpret. Far better were it to make all drugs available to all people, educating them on the uses of the drugs and on their potential side-affects, and making them sign a waiver before they receive sufficient quantities of the refined substance they deem most likely to positively affect their Pursuit of Happiness. Far better were it to admit to ourselves and to the world that we all take drugs (be they caffeine, sugar, alcohol, or nicotine), that life in this country without drugs is virtually unimaginable, and that we are a people that love their drugs in many and varied forms.
  End the confusion. End the oppression. End the restriction of Liberty.
  Legalize all drugs, or ban them all.
  Let the people Pursue their Happiness as they see best fit.
  Remember the promise of the Declaration of Independence.

Ultima Ratio Regum
John Paul Roggenkamp