Mobile device enthusiasts are eagerly anticipating the commercial release of explosive reactive armor (ERA) accessories by AmeriBeth Protective Systems, Ltd., a joint Ynki-Israeli venture. Modeled after reactive tank armor that’s designed to protect what’s inside by exploding outward and dampening the impact of a foreign object traveling at high speed, soon-to-be-released AmeriBeth products feature an accelerometer-equipped microprocessor linked to tiny explosive elements built into the mobile phone or tablet casing that shoot outward to dampen the effects of a fall or sudden impact. “Our cases must, I repeat, must be worn on the outside of the body, with the back of the device facing outward, preferably using the belt-mounting device included with all of our products,” said company CEO Brien Gregory Edouard. “I can’t stress this enough - do not store or carry these devices inside a pants pocket or bag, as the kinetic elements will rip right through the material used to make your clothing or bag, damaging it beyond repair. Also, try not to drop it around children, animals, or people sitting on the ground, always wear long pants made of sturdy cloth, and don’t look down at a falling device.”
“You’re telling me that this case will protect my phone from a fall by part of it blowing up,” said Wilhelmina Francisco-Drais, a Ynki consumer sporting a brand-new handheld communications / entertainment device, while examining the AmeriBeth product at a trade fair. “But if I drop it next to a pet or kid the exploding particles might, uh hurt, said child or beast? Fuck it. Give me two right now. I paid more than a thousand dollars for this tablet and it’s more valuable to me than others’ health, life, or safety.” “People just love their mobile devices,” said Dr. Valencio Trammer, professor of behavioral studies at the University of California at Newton’s Harbor. “Chances are, AmeriBeth will find a way to make its product less lethal to things living at calf-level, but, for now, there’s always plausible deniability.”
According to the Pew Research Center, there are now nearly as many mobile devices in use in the United States as there are citizens.
[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]
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Showing posts with label tank. Show all posts
Showing posts with label tank. Show all posts
28 March 2018
23 January 2013
on Grigovian women
Women in Grigovia have for centuries enjoyed equal status with men. Long before it was popular among the Western nations to grant females the same rights bestowed upon males, this republic's mothers and daughters were equal citizens. The tradition dates back to the nation's spiritual and historical founder, Krikuv (i.e. Grigov) the Watchful, who, according to the tribe's extensive verbal histories, in 1235 Common Error (C.E.) married the daughter of a powerful Yaelong war-chief, rescinding his high priesthood in order to be with the woman he loved. The act proved well-timed; the region was thereafter raided frequently by armies from the eastern steppes that razed crops and burned settlements, decimating all local populations but those located on the Yaelong's tribal lands. To commemorate the alliance between Grigov's band of loyal followers and the area's fierce inhabitants, the nation includes a depiction of Crucuv Pass – an important ancient trade route between the region around the Caspian Sea to the north and the parched deserts to the south – in its official state seal. Furthermore, Grigov adopted the Yaelong tradition of equality amongst the sexes, to great avail.
The second woman (but first female physician) to enter space, Dr. Kleivast Yostindt was born and raised in Pyltagrad. After graduating with honors from the University of Practical Sciences and proving herself to the Soviet cosmonaut governing board by besting their finest athletes in both physical and mental competition, she was slated to be the first woman in space until last-minute testing showed she had food poisoning, likely from eating tainted caviar served at a celebratory luncheon. In the realm of the arts, Sali Obrest, of Gar Nuuzsh, shocked the literary world (and received a nod from the Nobel committee) for her book Things I Learned While Flogging Ilyitch, a novel from 1984 that lambastes the architects of perestroika. She fled her native land to escape Soviet retaliation, eventually settling in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where she became an outspoken advocate of indigenous rights. Among, however, the most impressive Grigovian women were the nameless babushkas who faced down a contingent of Russian military police in the fall of 1988, occupying an entire wing of Grig's central market and refusing to back down from their demands for more equitable grain prices and the right to barter openly. Their action helped to spark the revolution that would see Grigovia leave the Warsaw Pact at the same time as Poland.
Wages among men and women are by law equal in the Glorious Republic of Grigovia; more than half of the seats in state and national Parliament are filled by female people's representatives; and women are just as likely to found companies and chair executive boards as their male counterparts. “An equal share of responsibility for the safety and Happiness of the Grigovian people is one that we Grigoviennes are proud to shoulder,” said Shuireyi'i Oryind, head of the Ministry of Equality and Justice. “During the Great Patriotic War [World War II], my great-grandmother helped to defend Crucuv Pass side by side with her four brothers and (future) husband. They fought off an entire Nazi tank battalion using little more than innate cleverness, a few limpet mines, and the local geography. That tradition continues to this today: Grigovians of both genders and all sexual orientations face the challenges of a global economy, pooling our talents and resources so as to best suit the needs of the greater community. We neither live nor work alone, each person by his or herself, to heap and hoard the largest possible portion of our nation's wealth – we work together and prosper together, one people striving, unified, for a bright common future.”
mentiri factorem fecit © 場黑麥
The second woman (but first female physician) to enter space, Dr. Kleivast Yostindt was born and raised in Pyltagrad. After graduating with honors from the University of Practical Sciences and proving herself to the Soviet cosmonaut governing board by besting their finest athletes in both physical and mental competition, she was slated to be the first woman in space until last-minute testing showed she had food poisoning, likely from eating tainted caviar served at a celebratory luncheon. In the realm of the arts, Sali Obrest, of Gar Nuuzsh, shocked the literary world (and received a nod from the Nobel committee) for her book Things I Learned While Flogging Ilyitch, a novel from 1984 that lambastes the architects of perestroika. She fled her native land to escape Soviet retaliation, eventually settling in Buenos Aires, Argentina, where she became an outspoken advocate of indigenous rights. Among, however, the most impressive Grigovian women were the nameless babushkas who faced down a contingent of Russian military police in the fall of 1988, occupying an entire wing of Grig's central market and refusing to back down from their demands for more equitable grain prices and the right to barter openly. Their action helped to spark the revolution that would see Grigovia leave the Warsaw Pact at the same time as Poland.
Wages among men and women are by law equal in the Glorious Republic of Grigovia; more than half of the seats in state and national Parliament are filled by female people's representatives; and women are just as likely to found companies and chair executive boards as their male counterparts. “An equal share of responsibility for the safety and Happiness of the Grigovian people is one that we Grigoviennes are proud to shoulder,” said Shuireyi'i Oryind, head of the Ministry of Equality and Justice. “During the Great Patriotic War [World War II], my great-grandmother helped to defend Crucuv Pass side by side with her four brothers and (future) husband. They fought off an entire Nazi tank battalion using little more than innate cleverness, a few limpet mines, and the local geography. That tradition continues to this today: Grigovians of both genders and all sexual orientations face the challenges of a global economy, pooling our talents and resources so as to best suit the needs of the greater community. We neither live nor work alone, each person by his or herself, to heap and hoard the largest possible portion of our nation's wealth – we work together and prosper together, one people striving, unified, for a bright common future.”
mentiri factorem fecit © 場黑麥
31 August 2012
human facial oil
Oil won from the human facial gland is a highly-prized, much sought-after industrial lubricant crucial to the operation of a number of America's most advanced weapons systems, among them the M1A tank and various drones, including the MQ7-1. Some of the highest-volume producers of this precious commodity are persons living in dry and desert climates, as, lacking abundant water stores, their skin cools and protects itself from the scorching sun by secreting rich and luxurious oils from glands located on the face, scalp, and neck. While persons critical of the war of aggression that America is waging against the Afghani people blame its addiction to fossil fuels as the reason it broke hundreds of years of honorable tradition by maiming and torturing and killing persons merely suspected of wanting to harm its people and government, the primary reason the United States of America put boots on the ground in the Middle East was to secure access to the region's richest facial-oil-producing tribes, families, and groups.
“The Yanki came and began to measure the heads of our children,” said Shiruf Muhammud, a 34 year-old Afghani shepherd, through an interpreter. “They poked them with sticks of cotton and put those sticks in bags, rushing the bags to a waiting truck which drove off as soon as the bags were secured in large plastic coolers in the rear.” After tea, Shiruf told us that the Americans had come back a few weeks later, at first inviting, then coaxing, then ultimately threatening the parents of the town to let their children move to a giant house specially-built for harvesting the superfine oils secreted by the very young. “In the end, the Ammriki simply took the children,” the man continued, close to tears. “Loaded them up onto their trucks and drove off without telling us anything or paying us any money. My son and a few others escaped, and walked back here, but others are still missing. My niece, a girl of four years, has not yet returned.”
By weight more valuable – combined – than the yartsa gunbu, a unicorn's tears, the short-hairs of an honest politician, and the powdered and dried pancreas of Saint Francis of Assisi, human facial oil (HFO) is gaining popularity in Southern and Eastern Asian cultures as a cure-all drug. “I proscribe face oil for skin problems such as eczema and shingles, for internal problems such as ulcers and stomach cancer, and for rubbing onto sore and swollen joints, in particular the knees,” said Dr. Song Yue-Shi, who operates a number of healing centers in Hong Kong and mainland China. “The success rate of HFO treatment is very high, especially for persons suffering from HIV and from disorders of the central nervous system.” Independent clinical studies of HFO are rare, due to the substance's limited availability and its recent classification, by the U.S. Department of Defense, as a strategic national resource. Said Howard K. Schandenbürger, Jr., spokesperson for the Secretary of Defense, during a press conference held to address concerns over the ethical harvesting of HFO from non-combatants and children: “Facial oil is a sustainable, natural resource collected humanely and with due diligence from willing, well-compensated individuals across the globe. To minimize our impact on production capacity of HFO in regions subjugated for the benefit of America's corporations, such as in Afghanistan and Tajikistan, however, we have begun to recruit individuals of Native American ancestry living in this country's South-West, most notably members of the Hopi and Cherokee tribes, who have long been known to excrete facial oils of high quality.” Curiously, America's teenagers of European descent, who produce copious amounts of HFO daily, were not mentioned as candidates for harvesting.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
“The Yanki came and began to measure the heads of our children,” said Shiruf Muhammud, a 34 year-old Afghani shepherd, through an interpreter. “They poked them with sticks of cotton and put those sticks in bags, rushing the bags to a waiting truck which drove off as soon as the bags were secured in large plastic coolers in the rear.” After tea, Shiruf told us that the Americans had come back a few weeks later, at first inviting, then coaxing, then ultimately threatening the parents of the town to let their children move to a giant house specially-built for harvesting the superfine oils secreted by the very young. “In the end, the Ammriki simply took the children,” the man continued, close to tears. “Loaded them up onto their trucks and drove off without telling us anything or paying us any money. My son and a few others escaped, and walked back here, but others are still missing. My niece, a girl of four years, has not yet returned.”
By weight more valuable – combined – than the yartsa gunbu, a unicorn's tears, the short-hairs of an honest politician, and the powdered and dried pancreas of Saint Francis of Assisi, human facial oil (HFO) is gaining popularity in Southern and Eastern Asian cultures as a cure-all drug. “I proscribe face oil for skin problems such as eczema and shingles, for internal problems such as ulcers and stomach cancer, and for rubbing onto sore and swollen joints, in particular the knees,” said Dr. Song Yue-Shi, who operates a number of healing centers in Hong Kong and mainland China. “The success rate of HFO treatment is very high, especially for persons suffering from HIV and from disorders of the central nervous system.” Independent clinical studies of HFO are rare, due to the substance's limited availability and its recent classification, by the U.S. Department of Defense, as a strategic national resource. Said Howard K. Schandenbürger, Jr., spokesperson for the Secretary of Defense, during a press conference held to address concerns over the ethical harvesting of HFO from non-combatants and children: “Facial oil is a sustainable, natural resource collected humanely and with due diligence from willing, well-compensated individuals across the globe. To minimize our impact on production capacity of HFO in regions subjugated for the benefit of America's corporations, such as in Afghanistan and Tajikistan, however, we have begun to recruit individuals of Native American ancestry living in this country's South-West, most notably members of the Hopi and Cherokee tribes, who have long been known to excrete facial oils of high quality.” Curiously, America's teenagers of European descent, who produce copious amounts of HFO daily, were not mentioned as candidates for harvesting.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
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