witty friend praises choice of car insurance commercial

For totally the very first time in the long history of mankind, local funnyman Dale Ivan Young jokingly said he liked the commercial chosen by a popular video-streaming website to play immediately before the trailer for a new blockbuster film. “Wow, this flick looks awesome - thanks for showing this to me,” Young said, chuckling over the familiar, repetitive quacking of a feathered corporate mascot while grinning and flashing his eyes at the person whose turn it was to select something to watch. “I can’t wait to see it, ha ha ha,” he continued, patting a love-handle as he furtively made brief eye contact with each of the six other people leaning over a small mobile device trying to get a glimpse of its display.

His meagre spunk apparently spent, Dale absolutely would not - by hook or by crook - offer up a solid, clear opinion about the upcoming film in question, instead sidling away from the group in order to perform a pretend inspection of his vaporizer under the light of a nearby overhead lamp.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

on protecting mobiles

Mobile device enthusiasts are eagerly anticipating the commercial release of explosive reactive armor (ERA) accessories by AmeriBeth Protective Systems, Ltd., a joint Ynki-Israeli venture. Modeled after reactive tank armor that’s designed to protect what’s inside by exploding outward and dampening the impact of a foreign object traveling at high speed, soon-to-be-released AmeriBeth products feature an accelerometer-equipped microprocessor linked to tiny explosive elements built into the mobile phone or tablet casing that shoot outward to dampen the effects of a fall or sudden impact. “Our cases must, I repeat, must be worn on the outside of the body, with the back of the device facing outward, preferably using the belt-mounting device included with all of our products,” said company CEO Brien Gregory Edouard. “I can’t stress this enough - do not store or carry these devices inside a pants pocket or bag, as the kinetic elements will rip right through the material used to make your clothing or bag, damaging it beyond repair. Also, try not to drop it around children, animals, or people sitting on the ground, always wear long pants made of sturdy cloth, and don’t look down at a falling device.”


“You’re telling me that this case will protect my phone from a fall by part of it blowing up,” said Wilhelmina Francisco-Drais, a Ynki consumer sporting a brand-new handheld communications / entertainment device, while examining the AmeriBeth product at a trade fair. “But if I drop it next to a pet or kid the exploding particles might, uh hurt, said child or beast? Fuck it. Give me two right now. I paid more than a thousand dollars for this tablet and it’s more valuable to me than others’ health, life, or safety.” “People just love their mobile devices,” said Dr. Valencio Trammer, professor of behavioral studies at the University of California at Newton’s Harbor. “Chances are, AmeriBeth will find a way to make its product less lethal to things living at calf-level, but, for now, there’s always plausible deniability.”

According to the Pew Research Center, there are now nearly as many mobile devices in use in the United States as there are citizens.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

local inventor steamrolled

Facing intense and sustained pressure from the XYZ Corporation out of Wilmington, DE, local Maryland inventor Mr. D. caved to demands. (As per the request of the involved parties, all names have been changed in or removed from this piece.) Instead of continuing to promote and distribute the ingenious device he came up with to efficiently tackle something every American male faces every day, namely (omitted), Mr. D.’s invention is now the property of XYZ. The corporation manufactures and distributes a number of devices men use to (omitted) their (omitted). Their devices, however, have a higher cost and are less efficient than that of Mr. D.

Rumors indicate that Mr. D. received a one-time payout in the high six-figure range to sell the patent and production rights to his device. XYZ claimed that it would start redistributing Mr. D.’s invention as soon as its various overseas manufacturing streams had had time to adjust, and the appropriate number of domestic workers had been fired to recoup the payout costs. Mr. D. promptly set about renovating his parents’ dilapidated row-house.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan