man loses way

Following nearly a decade of reliance on global-positioning-satellite-enhanced navigation via his handheld mobile communications device, local bachelor Gregor Harold Bantanigian ran into trouble when his phone suffered a total systems-crash three miles from his house. Having no coins on him and knowing none of his contacts’ phone numbers by heart, for the first fifteen minutes of his ordeal Mr Bantanigian sat in his car staring out of the windshield, unmoving. Glancing upward at the stars in a vain attempt to find North, he realized he had forgotten which constellations stood where in the Fall sky, preferring instead recently to scan the heavens using an application on his phone.

Pulling the device back out of his pants pocket, Gregor banged it against his left palm a few times, then mashed clumsily at the power button until his thumb started to cramp. As this article was going to press, Mr Bantanigian was seen waiting around in front of a nearby grocery store trying to ask strangers for directions back to his home. Upon seeing his fashionably ripped t-shirt and loose fitting cotton sweatpants as well as the desperate look in his eye, however, they assumed he was a drug-crazed street person and kept their distance.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

witty friend praises choice of car insurance commercial

For totally the very first time in the long history of mankind, local funnyman Dale Ivan Young jokingly said he liked the commercial chosen by a popular video-streaming website to play immediately before the trailer for a new blockbuster film. “Wow, this flick looks awesome - thanks for showing this to me,” Young said, chuckling over the familiar, repetitive quacking of a feathered corporate mascot while grinning and flashing his eyes at the person whose turn it was to select something to watch. “I can’t wait to see it, ha ha ha,” he continued, patting a love-handle as he furtively made brief eye contact with each of the six other people leaning over a small mobile device trying to get a glimpse of its display.

His meagre spunk apparently spent, Dale absolutely would not - by hook or by crook - offer up a solid, clear opinion about the upcoming film in question, instead sidling away from the group in order to perform a pretend inspection of his vaporizer under the light of a nearby overhead lamp.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

on protecting mobiles

Mobile device enthusiasts are eagerly anticipating the commercial release of explosive reactive armor (ERA) accessories by AmeriBeth Protective Systems, Ltd., a joint Ynki-Israeli venture. Modeled after reactive tank armor that’s designed to protect what’s inside by exploding outward and dampening the impact of a foreign object traveling at high speed, soon-to-be-released AmeriBeth products feature an accelerometer-equipped microprocessor linked to tiny explosive elements built into the mobile phone or tablet casing that shoot outward to dampen the effects of a fall or sudden impact. “Our cases must, I repeat, must be worn on the outside of the body, with the back of the device facing outward, preferably using the belt-mounting device included with all of our products,” said company CEO Brien Gregory Edouard. “I can’t stress this enough - do not store or carry these devices inside a pants pocket or bag, as the kinetic elements will rip right through the material used to make your clothing or bag, damaging it beyond repair. Also, try not to drop it around children, animals, or people sitting on the ground, always wear long pants made of sturdy cloth, and don’t look down at a falling device.”


“You’re telling me that this case will protect my phone from a fall by part of it blowing up,” said Wilhelmina Francisco-Drais, a Ynki consumer sporting a brand-new handheld communications / entertainment device, while examining the AmeriBeth product at a trade fair. “But if I drop it next to a pet or kid the exploding particles might, uh hurt, said child or beast? Fuck it. Give me two right now. I paid more than a thousand dollars for this tablet and it’s more valuable to me than others’ health, life, or safety.” “People just love their mobile devices,” said Dr. Valencio Trammer, professor of behavioral studies at the University of California at Newton’s Harbor. “Chances are, AmeriBeth will find a way to make its product less lethal to things living at calf-level, but, for now, there’s always plausible deniability.”

According to the Pew Research Center, there are now nearly as many mobile devices in use in the United States as there are citizens.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

on taxing horses

In keeping with efforts to make up for taxes that are no longer being collected due to technological innovation, the U.S. Congress is debating a novel solution. Colloquially known as Horse Obsolescence Recovery Sequester Enactment, or H.O.R.S.E., HR-23.9947 (F) will require motor-vehicle-owners to pay a tax on each ‘horse’ of ‘horsepower’ their car or truck can muster.

“Not that long ago,” said Thorsten Hilddebrandt, congressman from New York (D), “one would have needed to employ scores of groomsmen and stable-boys to keep two hundred horses healthy, strong, and ready to go at a moment’s notice. With modern automobiles, however, all of those jobs and tax revenues vanish.” An apparently bipartisan issue, H.O.R.S.E. seems to be gaining traction on both sides of the aisle. “The tax burden must fall equally, no matter if people choose to drive a car or ride a horse,” said Barbara D. Geirhoff-Ferd, a Republican congresswoman from Florida. “Taking care of horses was a good, taxable job for many unskilled and lower-class individuals. America can no longer afford to let people who drive cars not shoulder their fair share of society’s burdens.”

Unsubstantiated rumors indicate that laws will soon be passed to steeply tax a wide array of cell-phone applications that take taxable jobs away from human calculators, map-makers, telephone-switchboard personnel, camera operators, board-game makers, notepad and pencil manufacturers, FM radio broadcasters, astronomers, filmmakers, and many others.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑