lobotomy performers wanted

Following a sharp rise in applications to drive for a certain ride-sharing app, the second-most popular industry platform in the U.S. is seeking doctors willing to perform up to a dozen lobotomies per day. The medical procedures are part of the pink-fonted company’s policy of ensuring their drivers make only the worst possible decisions when it comes to operating a motor vehicle - that they run stop signs, ignore pedestrian crosswalks, swerve, brake, and make u-turns unexpectedly, and in general drive in the manner of pissed-off teenagers sitting on bladders bursting with day-old energy drink.

“If the people who drive for us don’t do everything in their power - legal or otherwise - to reach someone needing a ride as soon as is humanly possible, we might lose market-share to a four-letter competitor,” said the company’s chief operating officer. “Therefore, removing the part of our drivers’ brains that is responsible for controlling higher level decision-making ensures a maximum profit-margin at relatively low long-term cost to the company.”

Expect to find lobotomized drivers menacing a neighborhood near you, sometime soon.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

on taxing horses

In keeping with efforts to make up for taxes that are no longer being collected due to technological innovation, the U.S. Congress is debating a novel solution. Colloquially known as Horse Obsolescence Recovery Sequester Enactment, or H.O.R.S.E., HR-23.9947 (F) will require motor-vehicle-owners to pay a tax on each ‘horse’ of ‘horsepower’ their car or truck can muster.

“Not that long ago,” said Thorsten Hilddebrandt, congressman from New York (D), “one would have needed to employ scores of groomsmen and stable-boys to keep two hundred horses healthy, strong, and ready to go at a moment’s notice. With modern automobiles, however, all of those jobs and tax revenues vanish.” An apparently bipartisan issue, H.O.R.S.E. seems to be gaining traction on both sides of the aisle. “The tax burden must fall equally, no matter if people choose to drive a car or ride a horse,” said Barbara D. Geirhoff-Ferd, a Republican congresswoman from Florida. “Taking care of horses was a good, taxable job for many unskilled and lower-class individuals. America can no longer afford to let people who drive cars not shoulder their fair share of society’s burdens.”

Unsubstantiated rumors indicate that laws will soon be passed to steeply tax a wide array of cell-phone applications that take taxable jobs away from human calculators, map-makers, telephone-switchboard personnel, camera operators, board-game makers, notepad and pencil manufacturers, FM radio broadcasters, astronomers, filmmakers, and many others.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑