lobotomy performers wanted

Following a sharp rise in applications to drive for a certain ride-sharing app, the second-most popular industry platform in the U.S. is seeking doctors willing to perform up to a dozen lobotomies per day. The medical procedures are part of the pink-fonted company’s policy of ensuring their drivers make only the worst possible decisions when it comes to operating a motor vehicle - that they run stop signs, ignore pedestrian crosswalks, swerve, brake, and make u-turns unexpectedly, and in general drive in the manner of pissed-off teenagers sitting on bladders bursting with day-old energy drink.

“If the people who drive for us don’t do everything in their power - legal or otherwise - to reach someone needing a ride as soon as is humanly possible, we might lose market-share to a four-letter competitor,” said the company’s chief operating officer. “Therefore, removing the part of our drivers’ brains that is responsible for controlling higher level decision-making ensures a maximum profit-margin at relatively low long-term cost to the company.”

Expect to find lobotomized drivers menacing a neighborhood near you, sometime soon.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

supplementary info from abcmouse.com!

Parents! Are your kids still sitting around in front of that other flat-screen monitor watching poisonous and boring programming? Is their health in decline, and do they show signs of extreme boredom? Are you looking for a way to keep them tethered to their tiny, imported, colorful plastic chairs, and glued to the Flickering Idiot Box of Self-Enslavement? We at abcmouse.com know that America's parents are looking for ways to further destroy their children's health and latent creativity; we also know just how counter fucking productive it is to encourage children to physically exit the home and to play outside in rapist-infested, germ-laden, terror-inspiring community parks.

To make sure your kid falls behind in school, that she develops early-on diseases such as diabetes, obesity, and social anxiety disorder, and that she leads a generally depressing and unsatisfying life, we at abcmouse.com have developed a suite of Internet-based games that will guide your child's bursting mind back into the browbeaten channels of rigid conformity so sought for by today's pre- and elementary school recruiters. You will marvel at your son's stunted and incomplete problem-solving skills, and his airy and dismissive manner will make you smile! You will cry out with joy upon seeing your daughter charge headlong into a storied career as the local checkout-girl (once, of course, she obtains her GED following the birth of her fourth child by three different men).

If you are so incompetent as to switch to using our service, if you have given up trying to teach things to your child or to mold her into a virtuous and self-sufficient individual to the extent that you cannot see through our crude lie, then you shall surely not understand that switching from one screen to the next makes no difference at all, and that diverting your kid's attention from the television to our website is lost and wasted effort. So come on by, parents of America, and rot your kids' brains at our site, not at the site of some “different” company.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

how to buy love

You can't buy love.
Many misguided individuals repeat this phrase, denying themselves love for any number of reasons.
I'm too ugly, they say, or I'm just not a nice person.


Nonsense.

It's true, you can't actually exchange money for love at the brokerage next to the Friendly's on Locust Street. But you can buy nice clothes for someone, take them on fancy cruises, pay for their haircuts, support their hobbies, and put food in their bellies. And if you're cruising and feeding and supporting them, and you are there with them while these things are happening, that person will love you.

It's human nature.

Now, they might just love you on that day, or for the week after you bought them a new sweater, and they might just love you physically with their hands or their mouth, but they're still loving you.

Suck it up. Learn to love yourself, and the rest will fall into place 

But don't waste your efforts on someone who knows how terrible you are - spend it on a child.

Impregnate somebody, adopt, or buy the child. Human trafficking is bigger business that drug trafficking these days, so it shouldn't be too hard to pick up a cute little tyke at one of the crack dens you frequent. 

Don't be afraid to ask. You'd be surprised.

A child will love you no matter what you do.

You can say terrible things to it and call it racist names - it will love you.

You can abandon it in Wichita, and when the police return it to you, it will still love you.

You can feed it junk food until it gets fat and has diabetes, but it will still love you.

It doesn't have a choice.

But seriously. All you need is some sort of plan and a bit of disposable income, and you can buy someone's love. They might leave once they figure out that you're a cunning, deceitful fake, but there are plenty of fish in the sea, my friend. And what's the difference between fake love and real love, anyway?

As long as people are being born, you will have a fresh batch of people whose love you can buy once they come of legal age, every few months. And if you impregnate one or two of them along the way, or get pregnant by this or that person, then you'll have a child to love you, and you won't have to spend so damn much money.

There is no consensus on what constitutes love. Priests say one thing, scholars say another, and drunks say something else entirely. There is no way to explain love, no way to share the extent of the chemical reaction in your brain that occurs when it hits, so why not just keep things simple.


Lower your standards, don't get your hopes up, and start loving yourself.

You'll thank me eventually.

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