lobotomy performers wanted

Following a sharp rise in applications to drive for a certain ride-sharing app, the second-most popular industry platform in the U.S. is seeking doctors willing to perform up to a dozen lobotomies per day. The medical procedures are part of the pink-fonted company’s policy of ensuring their drivers make only the worst possible decisions when it comes to operating a motor vehicle - that they run stop signs, ignore pedestrian crosswalks, swerve, brake, and make u-turns unexpectedly, and in general drive in the manner of pissed-off teenagers sitting on bladders bursting with day-old energy drink.

“If the people who drive for us don’t do everything in their power - legal or otherwise - to reach someone needing a ride as soon as is humanly possible, we might lose market-share to a four-letter competitor,” said the company’s chief operating officer. “Therefore, removing the part of our drivers’ brains that is responsible for controlling higher level decision-making ensures a maximum profit-margin at relatively low long-term cost to the company.”

Expect to find lobotomized drivers menacing a neighborhood near you, sometime soon.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

ring sales soar

In the wake of a recent spell of marriage die-offs in Spokane, WA, area jewelry retailers are reporting a spike in sales of engagement rings and wedding bands. “People seem to be responding to the sudden, concentrated death of so many unions by wanting to obtain tools to allow them to get engaged or renew their previous vows,” said sociologist Henriett Weinstone, PhD, who researches lasting romantic bonds of commitment at Iowa State University. “It’s really been a bumper fall, so far,” said Raj Rahandawan, owner of Matrimonial Memories Emporium, a jewelry store in Liberty Lake, WA. “I feel sorry for all the many marriages that have died. Business, however, has been good.”

Recent mass marriage die-offs have been reported in cities across the United States. In a statement, the Confederated Wedding Band Manufacturers and Retailers Group, which represents the industry, said: “Individuals decide whether or not to get and stay married; they use our products as they see best fit, according to their constitutional rights. So long as people decide to dedicate themselves to each other, until death them parts, we’ll be there to give them the tools they need to get the job done.”

To tackle the recent romantic tragedies, singles groups and online dating services have stepped up their efforts to bring people together in state-sanctioned matrimony.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan