ring sales soar

In the wake of a recent spell of marriage die-offs in Spokane, WA, area jewelry retailers are reporting a spike in sales of engagement rings and wedding bands. “People seem to be responding to the sudden, concentrated death of so many unions by wanting to obtain tools to allow them to get engaged or renew their previous vows,” said sociologist Henriett Weinstone, PhD, who researches lasting romantic bonds of commitment at Iowa State University. “It’s really been a bumper fall, so far,” said Raj Rahandawan, owner of Matrimonial Memories Emporium, a jewelry store in Liberty Lake, WA. “I feel sorry for all the many marriages that have died. Business, however, has been good.”

Recent mass marriage die-offs have been reported in cities across the United States. In a statement, the Confederated Wedding Band Manufacturers and Retailers Group, which represents the industry, said: “Individuals decide whether or not to get and stay married; they use our products as they see best fit, according to their constitutional rights. So long as people decide to dedicate themselves to each other, until death them parts, we’ll be there to give them the tools they need to get the job done.”

To tackle the recent romantic tragedies, singles groups and online dating services have stepped up their efforts to bring people together in state-sanctioned matrimony.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

cop-be-gone

Have you ever run into a power-maddened, nitpicking, racist, or similarly mentally-challenged police officer? Do you find yourself occasionally pulled over on the side of a desolate highway in the middle of the night staring at an angry stranger as he bangs on your car's window with a two foot long flashlight? Have you ever left your house and been accosted immediately by a gravel-voiced man who appears to despise you completely, from your hair to your clothes to the way that you walk?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, grab a pen and paper, and take down this number: country code 001 line 8973302746 extension 5390 sub-chapter 418 desk 0. By calling this short, easy-to-remember string of digits, you will summon to your side a pair of Enforcers of Liberty, impartial agents charged with securing your constitutionally- guaranteed Blessings of Liberty and dedicated to preserving your right to pursue your Happiness any way you see fit so long as you are not infringing upon the Happiness of any other person.

Enforcers of Liberty are trained in the Socratic method, in the pacification of irate police officers, and in at least three different martial arts. These agents defend your freedom, and they will stay by your side until the forces of repression harass you no longer. They are not armed with knives, or guns – among their tools are a pure heart, a firm grasp of the English language, an immovability similar to that of a stone wall, and an firm dedication to the preservation of individual Liberty. So don't delay – call today (we'll keep those pesky cops away).

(To summon a pair of Enforcers of Liberty to your side, dial [001] 8973302746, select extension 5390, choose sub-chapter 418, ring desk 0, and ask for help.)

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

on nationalized religion

  In recent times, loud voices (here, here) have claimed that the creators of the American nation were influenced by Christianity, saying that because our founders were somehow influenced by that religion, that religion should enjoy a higher standing in society. Why these people cry so loudly is unclear (although they seem to be following a historical precedent – see here – by turning to religious hyperbole, xenophobia, and downright Fear), but I suspect that they are making so much noise to obfuscate the reality of the world they so dearly desire, a future fantasy of Dystopian proportions in which all religions but one are outlawed in America, all who fail to fall to their knees before the new national god or gods are beaten and incarcerated, and the liberty we hold so highly, the liberty guaranteed in our Constitution to all equally, shall be replaced by oppression generally and by intolerance for dissenting thought specifically. What other purpose could these people have for pushing for some form of recognition of Christianity as the official state religion than: to destroy the liberty of their fellow citizens; to favor one religious doctrine to the exclusion of all others; to punish non-believers for their lack of belief in one god among many gods; and to relegate those non-believers to the status of second- or third-class citizens for failing to follow one out of the many religions practiced by those flexible and profound individuals who founded these United States of America.

  Many times in its history has mankind attempted to make one religion the mandatory religion of all people. In each of these cases (England Reformation, Soviet Russia, Nazi Germany, Afghanistan under the Taliban), the initial religious prohibitions were soon followed by widespread murder, looting, and other acts of Domestic Chaos as members of the newly-empowered religious class fanned out across the land to punish those unlucky people who did not meet the newly-established and painstakingly exacting standards of that specific religious teaching. (This potential threat to the Domestic Tranquility requirement set forth in the Constitution therefore makes any attempts to establish religious rule in America unjust and unconstitutional.) The leaders of America have shown a lack of respect for, and a lack of an even rudimentary knowledge of history in recent years by deciding to invade Afghanistan, a country that had previously withstood invasion by the Macedonians, the Persians, the British, and the Soviets; we hope that they will do some research into the realities of specific religious rule before passing any legislation based on religious texts, and we trust that they will be inclined to preserve the Contitution and to shield it from attacks by the intellectually stagnant and theocracy-minded quasi-patriotic forces active in society today. (We also hope our leaders will strike down existing laws such as those that prohibit the sale of alcohol on Sundays in Pennsylvania, or the laws that define marriage as between a man and a woman, laws based not on a rational foundation but on writings from the biblical Old Testament, laws that violate the declared Rights of the individual to Liberty and to pursue whichever Happiness he or she decides is best.)

  To justify the claims that the founders of our nation were influenced by the Bible, our current religious extremists ( "No religion is free from extremism," declares Abdelfattah Amor, the UN's Special Rapporteur n Religious Intolerance; for examples see here and here) point to correspondences and other writings created by the founders of this nation that mention the teachings of Christianity (for examples of these writings, see here). Furthermore, they point to the establishment of the Mayflower Compact (here) as proof that this our nation was in some way founded on the Christian faith. In light of the first argument it follows logically that any religious teachings mentioned by the founders of this nation in their writings should be declared as the official state religion, which would make Hellenistic polytheim (or the belief in gods such as Zeus, Athena, and Poseidon) one of the official religions of these United States, as it was mentioned by Thomas Jefferson (here) and John Adams (here), among others. As to the second argument, the Mayflower Compact did not legally establish this Union; it therefore cannot be used as justification for the establishment of an official religion over this Union.

  In the document that did establish this nation, in the Declaration of Independence, there is made mention of the Creator and of the Supreme Judge of the world, but these terms could apply to any of a number of forces, including the Universe, the forces of Chaos, or Raven of the First Peoples (that god who stole the Sun, made the world, and spread knowledge and learning among the scattered races); to assume that by Creator our founders meant Jesus, or Yahweh, or any other deity not specifically named in our founding texts, is: to make assumptions founded on narrow-mindedness and on a penchant for exclusionary practices; to violate the constitutional mandate of securing the Blessings of Liberty (for a definition of liberty, see here) to ourselves and to our Posterity by restricting the ability of the American citizen to operate according to his or her free will (by forcing him or her to genuflect before a god not necessarily of his or her choosing).

  America does not have an official national language, and it will never have an official national religion. The establishment of an official national religion would signal: the ending of our republic; the ending of the rule of rationality and of Justice; and the violation of the constitutional parameters of Domestic Tranquility and the Blessings of Liberty.
  Join me in fighting this threat to our fine nation, so that we together might safeguard our most precious documents and maintain Liberty here and abroad. Let us give in neither to irrational fear nor to irrational judgement; rather, let us maintain the principle of Reason and practice it in all our daily affairs. There is no time to spare, but time is short.

  Stand up. Speak out. Spread liberty.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp