haiku 13 Feb 2018

Changed to serve the rich
Its Constitution threadbare
The republic fails

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] ​

on preemptive pardonings

Fake president recently pardoned a former lawman from the Western states who once boasted proudly about having his own concentration camp. An apparent violation of the Due Process Clause of the Constitution, the pardoning of the sheriff was followed by a string of other pardons, these ones also flying in the face of decency. “Before the Mueller investigation harms the only people I love in the world, I hereby preemptively pardon my sons, my son-in-law, my daughters, my advisors, my lawyers, and any other people who might or might not have had contact with Russian agents seeking to assist in my trouncing of a certain female candidate, I don’t know.”

After speaking these words, fake president then bent to the apparently difficult task of signing the pardons, laboring to scrawl his full name on good paper using a fine pen but tiny, child-like hands. Due to his seeming lack of reading skills, he frequently asked aides to explain the meaning of words in the documents he was signing.

A fantastically flagrant overreach of power, fake president’s preemptive pardons will not trigger a Constitutional crisis; said antiquated text has been trampled on and openly violated since shortly after its inception. A dead document that no longer serves to inform the nation’s guiding principles or rein in executive power, the American people have done little to stop the Constitution from becoming a worthless souvenir.

[This is a work of satire; no part of it should be taken as a factual representation of events, statements, opinions, etc., of any persons living or deceased.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

NM legalizes drugs

Citing the successful test of drug legalization in Portugal as its guiding influence, the American state of New Mexico decriminalized all drug use and possession within its border. The Return to Freedom Act, or RFA (SB-04472.7.65), has been approved by both houses of the state’s legislature and should arrive on the governor’s desk shortly. “Our residents and visitors are sick of being harassed and imprisoned for exercising their Constitutional right to get blasted on any substance they choose so long as they are not infringing upon the Life, Liberty, or Property of another person,” said Hailyie Darmstadder, 49, deputy New Mexico governor and mother of two state police sergeants; “and our police forces desire to spend their time keeping their communities safe from violent crime rather than working as strongmen who exist primarily to enforce blanket prohibitions enacted by a tyrannical federal government.” Critics have condemned the passage of RFA, saying that the potential risks to children outweigh the benefits arising from the normalization of drug-using behavior. Margit Lopez-Westinghaus, head of the New Mexico chapter of Catholic Mothers for Safe Streets, was concern that “it will become easy for a child to walk into a pharmacy and buy a marijuana cigarette.” Thomaz H.N.E. Gutierrez Jr., a Republican legislator who helped write the bill’s final draft, confirmed that the new legislation will make recreational drugs available to legal adults only, much as are cigarettes or alcohol. “For many generations now, Americans have been able to walk into any of a thousand convenience stores across the Land of Enchantment and pick up as much booze and as many smokes as they could carry, and look at the damage that has wrought,” state congressman Gutierrez said. “My ancestors used marijuana in ceremonies as a method for becoming one with the Great Unknowable, whereas alcohol does little more than pollute the mind, and nicotine does little more than make people sick.” Police unions across the state are wary about RFA, with most of them saying they’ll miss the millions of dollars they receive from Washington for putting non-violent drug users behind bars. “The gravy train is over, I guess,” said Captain Youlisees Sharlto-Macks of the West Mesa City Police department. “On the other hand, prohibition of alcohol didn’t work in the 1920s - why the hell did we think it would work with other drugs?”

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥

Grigovia seeks help

Realizing suddenly the extent to which it has been acting counter to the goal of enabling its citizens to live in Liberty and foster it amongst themselves, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG) announced a nationwide voluntary reeducation campaign. Additionally, the country is taking steps to shut down all ministries and public functions but those absolutely necessary to maintain the country's infrastructure, keep her people healthy, and provide for the safety of her borders and sovereign ground. Former government employees are being offered no-cost vocational training before being reintegrated into the private sector. (Grigovians not currently working for the government are invited to also attend vocational training of their choice so long as they make a firm commitment and show up for class on time.) Most of the funding for these measures will come from the sale of massive stores of conflict-free rare earth minerals stockpiled over the last decade by the Ministry of Natural Resources. Return To Liberty (RTL), as the campaign is being called, is expected to cost in the billions of euros, although, after it has taken affect fully, taxes will drop into the single digits nationwide. RTL is the brainchild of Grigovia's prime minister Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, her cabinet, and a number of privately funded think-tanks, among them Grigovians United for Freedom (GUFF) and Central Asians Realizing Liberty (CARL). Physical copies of F.A. Hayek's book the Constitution of Liberty are available for pickup at all local police stations as well as for download on the prime minister's website. RTL passed both houses of the Grigovian parliament with little debate and much applause. Thallandia Yündlennd, crown princess of the Grigovian quasi-royal house (a symbolic order costing less per year than the price to replace a few manhole covers) welcomed the move, saying: “The House of Yündlennd applauds the decision of the fine people of this land to shed the last vestiges of misguided intellectualism. My grandfather, who abdicated shortly after the Great Depression out of protest over reactionary measures being enacted at that time would be proud.”

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

America doffs Liberty

Citing its ongoing disregard for the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty for millions of its citizens, the federal government of the United States of America officially abandoned its stated purpose. “We recognize that spying on the People without securing warrants for each intrusion, and denying Americans the right to choose what substances to put into their bodies, has revealed to a candid world that we've given up on the founding principles,” said president Barack Obama at a Rose Garden press conference. “Therefore, we'll continue the process of distancing ourselves from any and all mentions or references to Liberty, a process that started with the sale of the statue known as Liberty Enlightening the World to Grigovia, a Central Asian nation.” Having written the following: in subsection 1 of section D of the Student Guide Introduction of AFSS 0910, a training document, that the persons who founded the American republic were violent extremists; and in subsection 1 of section E of the same document, that speaking about individual liberties, states' rights, and ways to make the world a better place are examples of extremist behavior; the Department of the Army of the United States ordered a redesign of its official crest. “We reject the notion that freedom is an essential component of American society, and are therefore removing the Phyrgian, or Liberty cap, from our emblem,” said John McHugh, current Secretary of the Army. “Henceforth, on the seal, the tip of the sword will be fully visible, to symbolize our unfailing dedication to striking first without regard to consequence.” Plans announced today also call for the removal of artwork depicting the Phyrgian cap from the Senate, and elsewhere. If the government continues its destruction of civil rights, watchdog groups expect incidents of civil unrest to increase as Americans begin to realize the full extent of federal skullduggery.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia condemns killings

The Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently joined a growing number of nations protesting America's ongoing policy of killing people using unmanned aerial systems, or drones. Concurrent with its formal application to United Nations membership, Grigovia signed the Pact of Peace amongst Prosperous Peoples (PoPaPP), which censures the government of the United States and calls for it to stop its drone strikes immediately. “Given the illegality of these attacks and a proven American willingness to bomb the citizens of nations with which it is not officially at war, we call for America to forget hatred, anger, and fear and return to the table of friendship,” said Piendoyast Tormund, deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs for the state of Grigovia. “It is illegal, inappropriate, and rude for a big kid to go around with a bucket of his own tears drowning the smaller kids who live down the street.”

Since assuming world hegemony after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, the federal government of the United States of America has donned a mantle it once sacrificed so much to overthrow: that of petty, spiteful tyrant. “Fewer than 70 years ago, the U.S. fought to free the oppressed people of the world from the tyrants Hitler and Hirohito,” said Biel Nourdegast, professor of 20th Century history at Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. “Now, however, it spirits people from the lands of their birth and tortures them in secret prisons around the world while also using its unmanned aerial systems to watch, track, and kill persons it merely suspects of wanting to do it or its people harm. Such behavior is estimable to tyrants only.” In 1776, a group of non-conformist Americans operating in the 13 original colonies cried foul of King George's ongoing torture and intimidation of his own subjects; they rebelled, using terrorist tactics to topple a corrupt and murderous hegemon. Now, though, in 2013, their ancestors torture and intimidate peaceful peoples the world over, fomenting anger and spreading hatred one drone strike at a time.

“On many levels, the American government's actions violate its founding documents, including the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution” said Ula Ouliffant, a political science student at Eastern Grigovia University, in Gar Nuuzsh. “When president Obama authorized the Hellfire missile strike that killed the son of Anwar al-Awlaki, he violated the XIV Constitutional amendment by depriving the boy of life without due process of law [i.e. without first fulfilling the young man's right to a trial by his peers]. Any sane person will agree that the president of a republic who destroys its founding document by violating its clearly worded text should be removed from office as quickly as is possible.” Grigovia has expelled the American diplomatic mission until such time as drone strikes stop. Despite ongoing international efforts, neither presidents G.W. Bush nor B.H. Obama will likely ever be tried in The Hague for their crimes against humanity.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

cop-be-gone

Have you ever run into a power-maddened, nitpicking, racist, or similarly mentally-challenged police officer? Do you find yourself occasionally pulled over on the side of a desolate highway in the middle of the night staring at an angry stranger as he bangs on your car's window with a two foot long flashlight? Have you ever left your house and been accosted immediately by a gravel-voiced man who appears to despise you completely, from your hair to your clothes to the way that you walk?

If you answered YES to any of these questions, grab a pen and paper, and take down this number: country code 001 line 8973302746 extension 5390 sub-chapter 418 desk 0. By calling this short, easy-to-remember string of digits, you will summon to your side a pair of Enforcers of Liberty, impartial agents charged with securing your constitutionally- guaranteed Blessings of Liberty and dedicated to preserving your right to pursue your Happiness any way you see fit so long as you are not infringing upon the Happiness of any other person.

Enforcers of Liberty are trained in the Socratic method, in the pacification of irate police officers, and in at least three different martial arts. These agents defend your freedom, and they will stay by your side until the forces of repression harass you no longer. They are not armed with knives, or guns – among their tools are a pure heart, a firm grasp of the English language, an immovability similar to that of a stone wall, and an firm dedication to the preservation of individual Liberty. So don't delay – call today (we'll keep those pesky cops away).

(To summon a pair of Enforcers of Liberty to your side, dial [001] 8973302746, select extension 5390, choose sub-chapter 418, ring desk 0, and ask for help.)

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Obama gets pretty

Preening in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror in one of the White House's dustier upstairs hallways, President Barack Hussein Obama prepared for the next debate with his tooth-sucking and lie-spewing rival, Mitt Romney, by getting pretty before getting fucked. Scheduled for 16 October 2012, the next debate will focus on hot-button societal issues such as whether or not lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gender (LGBT) Americans should have the same rights as their heterosexual fellow citizens and whether or not female Americans should be able to decide to have growths removed – legally and safely – that are physically attached to their reproductive organs. (The editorial team here at Mentiri Factorem Productions would like to point out that neither liesmith nor americanifesto supports late-term abortions, merely the right of a woman to abort a fetus before it has become recognizable as such.)

“I like to look pretty when I get fucked,” the President said as he applied brightly-colored eyeliner with a passive-aggressive swooping motion. “I went into the first debate looking a mess; I didn't mind when that angry Caucasian violated my filthy dirt-hole, but I wish I could have had a moment to make sure my mascara wasn't runny before bending over backwards and getting boned like a worthless little man-child.” Sources close to the commander in chief note that, as soon as his rectum had finally stopped bleeding, he began asking for better foundation and mumbling about voter turnout in swing states.

“Rectum?” said Mitt Romney. “Damn near killed 'em.” Here, the multi-millionaire yacht owner and Republican candidate for president, whose party plans to add parts of the Christian bible's old testament to the Constitution of the United States of America, pauses to laugh hysterically. “Beg pardon. But seriously, I loosened that boy's ass up pretty good, so next time, when I give him a slice of this Mormon's pound-cake, he'll be ready for it, 'cuz last time, he cried a lot, and looked plain ugly. It pleases me to no end to hear that he plans to look nice for our next debate – I like my pansies to have put a smidgen of time into their appearances before I ruin them for everyone else.” As soon as the last reporter was escorted from his opulent campaign rooms, Mitt put on three more woolen sweaters and restarted an audio recording of the book Presidenting For Dummies.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

on the Department for Securing the Blessings of Liberty

Attention, fellow citizens of America: our Liberty is assured. Thanks to the recent establishment of the Department for the Securing of the Blessings of Liberty (or DSBL, which was just this past Thursday morning founded by President Barack Obama while he was having his morning tea), anything and everything that you do that does not demonstrably infringe upon or otherwise violate the Life, Liberty, or Property of any other citizen is a federally protected act. Smoke that sweet, sweet reefer in your own front yard! Get that face tattoo you have always wanted! Lose that belly fat you put on three Thanksgivings ago! Ever since our fine president – he who has recently come out in support of officially protecting same-sex unions and granting homosexual Americans the rights and privileges until now only afforded to different-sex, heterosexual American couples – ever since he finally got around to actually reading the preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America, which states that the primary purpose of our nation's federal government is to “secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,” ever since then, we lowly, downtrodden masses have been finally seeing a few, tender rays of hope in our long yet largely bloodless struggle for individual freedom.

For too long did the police forces of this land punish us for consuming drugs other than alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine; for too long did these selfsame oppressors perform unwarranted searches of our homes and vehicles, in direct violation of the Fourth amendment to the Constitution; for too long did we suffer under a system that punished us for affecting hairstyles other than those approved by state and local censors; for too long did we watch as our teenage countrymen were imprisoned for possessing of small amounts of their drugs of choice. Now is the time, friends, when we might all inhale deeply of the blessed winds of change, when we might fill our lungs of the cleansing breath of Liberty; now is the time that we Americans might enjoy actual, unconstrained freedom.

Not only shall this newest federal Department defend aggressively – in court – the individual's right to do whatever she might please to do to her own body, mind, skin, hair, or clothing: it is spit-polishing rigorously trained and tirelessly educated legions of Enforcers of Liberty's Blessings, or ELB, men and women who have dedicated their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor to protecting the People from the last, clinging remnants of this nation's all-too-recent tyrannical and oppressive past. Is a SWAT team trying to enter your home unannounced? Call the ELB. Is the Drug Enforcement Agency on your ass about that grow-room in the attic? Call the ELB. Are you being hounded by the Department of Homeland Security for exercising your First Amendment right to free speech? Call the ELB. Finally, dear friends, good fellow upstanding American patriots, finally, we can rest assured that the federal, state, and local governments exist to serve us in any possible way they can serve us instead of doing nearly everything in their power to keep us in a state of fear-addled submission to the fickle whims of Johnny Law. So contact the ELB at 1.877.555.GFYS (1.877.555.4397) or visit their website at www.enforcersoflibertysblessings.gov, today!

p.s. This article is a hoax: the federal government does not secure the Blessings of Liberty for the average American, neither our President nor our Congresspersons or Senators aim to enforce the Constitution's preamble, the Constitutional protections do not exist, and you are not free to do with your body or your mind as you see best fit to do, so keep your head on a swivel, a song in your heart, and the Bill of Rights clenched tightly in your white-knuckled fist. Mahalo.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

CDC & DEA announce joint venture

Working closely with specialists in Atlanta, Georgia, the Drug Enforcement Agency's (DEA) top brass has expanded its rules and guidelines for regulating nearly every aspect of Americans' lives. In addition to persecuting individuals who affect the body with drugs, the tyranny-minded DEA is adding a suite of new parameters for regulating and punishing persons with excess or insufficient body weight, strange or unconventional haircuts (think mullet, Iroquois, and tonsure), tattoos and other bodily modifications, poor dental health, and an overall lack of proper hygiene. While it already has the power to force the People to take any pills they may not have been taking, and to make sure that they are eating their recommended daily allowance of fiber and grains, and to make sure they do not exceed their weekly ration of hard spirits, this most recent expansion of the DEA's power surprises no one – not anarchists, not neo-anarchists, not even communists, socialists, republicans, neo-republicans, libertarians, nihilists, or vegans.

Said DEA junior press agent Yhett Redunindab, ”It has long been legal for the individual to cut off his nipples, to seal those nipples in airtight containers, and to insert and display the severed discs of flesh in translucent plugs that fill his stretched-out earlobes – but no more. Upon consideration, we, and our fabulous colleagues at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), concluded that such external disfigurement is no different than the internal disfigurement caused by smoking dope or snorting crank, and that, therefore, we can punish anyone who should remove and display his man-teats in such fashion, and anyone doing anything of which we do not personally approve.” An information packet handed out after the briefing outlined additional regulations, such as a prohibition on tattooing designs other than those approved by one's state legislature, an outlawing of the wearing of religious attire (such as the bonnet, the habit, or the hijab) by women, the forced consumption of one's recommended daily allotment of pork, and bans on bulimia, obesity, sloth, jaundice, and the wearing of baggy or sagging pants, shirts that bunch up in the back, popped collars, magenta-colored silk blouses, and socks that are visible above the shoe-rim.

“If a person should think she can just go out and get a unicorn design cut with ink into her left forearm, that person would be thinking wrong,” Mr. Redunindab said while being escorted by heavily-armed civilian contractors to a row of idling black vehicles. “The body is not the individual's property to do with as she pleases, nor do the parameters of Liberty cover activities such as mainlining horse or not eating healthily while within the privacy of one's home. We are watching, we are listening, we do not need warrants, and we shall be making sure that everyone plays to whichever tune we decide, arbitrarily, is best.” When asked how he thought the public would respond once they found out the extent to which the federal and state governments were violating the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty equally to each and every citizen, the agent simply pointed to the individual who had asked the question and laughed as two unsmiling, teeth-grinding contractors dragged her by the hair and threw her in a nearby river.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

NOTW is crap – join NOTA!

If you live in one of the many foul, depressing, forgotten, backwater towns (such as Roswell, New Mexico or Hanover, Pennsylvania) that dot these United States, you will have seen stickers affixed to cars that read NOTW. NOTW stands for Not Of This World, and it implies (as far as I have puzzled out, because I refuse to converse with clowns) that the bearer does not consider herself to be a human walking on Earth, rather that she thinks she belongs to a dream-world that may or may not exist in the skies above us in which a large Caucasian man sits on a golden throne all day deciding who gets happiness, who sadness.

Warning! The NOTW devotee is dim-witted and slow of mind. Because of his narrow, limited view of the world, he has little patience for opinions that dissent from his own, and he works hard to drown out and to silence voices other than those spewing his particular brand of idiocy. All he cares about is making his invisible god happy by going to church regularly and chanting along with the other crazies – therefore his grasp on reality will be, at best, tenuous. Since he will be going soon to his Other Place, his clothing will be stained, ripped, and in poor repair. As he will at any moment be beamed up to his Heaven on a rippling stream of his Jesus' piss, he will not have showered or brushed his teeth in months, and he will stink like a gut shot mule-deer. The NOTW crowd, though large and widely-distributed, has only to die in order to get to their Happy Place; they care not for the woes of our nation, nor do they see any sense in making tomorrow a better place.

In response to NOTW, a loose organization has formed for persons seeking a respite from lunatics and idiots. Called Not Of This America, or NOTA, this voluntary affiliation of open-minded, tight-lipped, results-oriented individuals actually works toward making this nation a Happier Place for All; we sacrifice time and effort not to meet the religious measure of others but to improve the lives of our fellow citizens. Two of the primary goals of NOTA are to battle tyranny and religious oppression within the republic and to defend Liberty against all who might do her harm. In keeping with our proud and longstanding traditions of taking personally the plight of fair Columbia, NOTA shall highlight a number of its core values, submitting facts to a candid world.

My America is a place where the Blessings of Liberty are alive and well, where people decide for themselves which drugs to use, where they are allowed to affect their bodies in any way they decide is best, where they can gain or lose weight, drink booze or not drink booze, and smoke dope or not smoke dope as they please. My America is a place where politicians have the common fucking courtesy to keep their religious opinions to themselves. My America is a place where women have full, inalienable rights to their bodies, and where they are free to decide if and when to abort a fetus. My America is a place where all persons have food, clothing, and shelter, and where one out of six of my countrymen does not live with hunger. My America is a place where a homosexual can marry anyone who agrees to marry him back. My America is a place where the economic systems work to better the lives of three hundred million, not to make a few hundred thousand wealthy beyond reckoning. My America is a place where the police protect the Constitution rather than tricking and browbeating innocent persons into forfeiting their hard-won protections. My America is a place where there are more than two, all-but-identical political parties. My America is a place where the people elect their president rather than having their president appointed for them by an electoral college. My America does not invade foreign countries without having first declared war on them, nor does she ever initiate wars of aggression against sovereign nations. My America is a place where only rational laws are passed, where laws based on moral or religious considerations are laughed down raucously by all members of Congress. My America is a place to which the wretched flee so as to escape tyranny, not where the downtrodden are constantly tyrannized.

If any of the aforementioned values struck within you a tone, scrape off that useless NOTW sticker and join the cause for creating a more perfect Union, establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing for the common defence, promoting the general Welfare, and securing the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, all of which at some point in the future shall become again the primary goals of this nation's government. And remember: it doesn't matter if there is a god or not; what matters is what happens where you stand, right now, on this planet, in this land, and if anyone tells you differently, he is a crooked, lying charlatan bent on selling you something.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

n's g

nature's god is a self-ordering chaotic universe

- 場黑麥

on a new preamble

  As the citizens of America already suffer daily of the effects of the corporation-oriented, profit-at-all-cost form of capitalism that currently rules their country, the preamble to the U.S. Constitution shall from now on read:

  We who control the most wealthy and powerful organizations in the history of mankind, we the all-powerful Corporate Executives, in order to silence Dissent, sidestep Justice, appropriate for ourselves the wealth of the Commons, and secure for Ourselves and Our offspring alone the Blessings of Liberty, do declare that the federal government is to us financial life-raft, attack-dog, and sniveling underling, that rules and laws do not apply to us (and if they were to, that we have the money to buy a way out of trouble), and that we shall not give up our privileges without a fight (which we would win, since we have the money to bury a motherfucker like you ten times over).

  Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on indirect representation

  When the Constitution of the U.S.A. was written, news took weeks to travel from one city to the next; it was necessary for a representative to be chosen to assuage the mood of the people around him and to decide for those people great and pressing matters at places distant and inconvenient to reach.

  In our modern time, however, news travels at the speed of light, and the citizens can speak to one another at any time and in any place, and they can be called upon, individually and instantly, for their opinion on great and pressing matters. The system of representative democracy under which America currently suffers grants political power to a small number of individuals who are in anything but name the princes of this republic. Individuals who have power will be corrupted invariably by that power. Therefore, we need to draw up a new Constitution, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to us shall seem most likely to effect our Safety and Happiness.

  The People shall be Safe and Happy when no single person holds power over a nation.

  Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on constitutional parameters

  The Constitution of the United States of America was established in Order to do just a few things: create a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity. Therefore, the federal government of the United States exists for no other reason than to enact these six simple standards; the sole purpose for the continued existence of the U.S. federal government is to ensure that these parameters are met. Beyond the fulfillment of these few parameters, the federal government has no Constitutionally justifiable reason for existence.

  To public figures (such as Bachmann, Perry, Paul) demanding reductions in the scope of government (without considering the Constitutional parameters), the following services are essential to the realization of the parameters of our Constitution, and, as such, are secure in their continuing existence (until feasible replacements are developed):

  Social Security, Medicare, and Medicaid promote the general Welfare;

  The state and federal judicial networks help to establish Justice;

  The state and federal police forces help to insure domestic Tranquility;

  The Constitution, as the common document that shapes the life of every inhabitant in this nation, helps to create a more perfect Union;

  The armed forces provide for the common defence.

  Excluded from this list, however, are the elusive and hard-to-quantify Blessings of Liberty. From liberty, the citizen crafts Happiness, serenity, and peace. Absent liberty, the citizen is reduced to the level of a dumb beast – she becomes a slave incapable of rational action or independent thought. She is restricted in her liberty when denied the right to abort an unwanted fetus. His liberty is destroyed when he is denied his inalienable right to his body, and to consume drugs of his choosing. She is restricted in her liberty when she is forced to abide by the tenets of a religion not of her choosing. His liberty is under siege when he is discriminated against because of the color of his skin, his religious practices, or because of the type of head-covering he wears.

  The freedom-loving inhabitants of this nation are forced to resort to the black market to obtain the substances they desire (such as cocaine, marijuana, and heroin), substances the American citizen has every right to consume (as drug-use affects his body, which is his property to dispose of as he sees fit). The good people of this land must consort regularly with shady and dangerous people who possess of quantities of drugs unobtainable in the legitimate markets. The upstanding citizens of these shores, they who would gladly buy their marijuana (and pay taxes on it) at their local drug store, must fear for their very Freedom every time they wish to pursue their Happiness by lighting up a joint.

  The individual American has, over the course of his life, proven willing and able to fulfill the parameters of the United States Constitution, regardless of the hurdles that government puts in his way. The American citizen is already living a life of liberty (by doing that which he pleases while not infringing upon the life, liberty, or property of anyone else, which is known as “minding his own business”), although he very often has to break existing laws to do so. Domestic terrorist plots foiled in their execution since September 11, 2001 were uncovered for the most part by average citizens who took upon themselves the responsibility of providing for the common defence. (Love and respect to our brave, heroic soldiers who sacrifice regularly, for the common defence, of their time and lives.) The peaceful people of this nation insure domestic Tranquility and establish Justice by going about their daily business with serene and glowing hearts, righting any wrongs they feel are theirs to right while ignoring other wrongs chronically, wrongs such as poverty and homelessness, wrongs that in their continued existence violate the right of each and every American person to be Safe and Happy.

  At its core, my argument is that every act by any type of government in America must fulfill, in some significant way, the parameters of the Constitution. Any legislation that directly violates these parameters, such as the Patriot Act, or the Controlled Substances Act, is unconstitutional. Once legislation is designed according to these parameters, and once all government action is balanced against this short list, our country will surely revert to the horrible messiness of pure and honest liberty.

場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on illegal hair-cutting

30JUN2011
Westminster, MD

  Timothy Blastac, an unemployed auto-mechanic from this bucolic town near the Mason-Dixon line, was taken into custody today by the federal government for violating interstate commerce laws. Blastac, who since losing his job has been seen cutting his own hair, declined to comment for this story. Agent Brown, the lead FBI investigator on the case, said at the scene, "Mr. Blastac was witnessed cutting his own hair in his back yard using a hand-held mirror and a pair of cheap clippers. Since his actions violate the potential for a discount hairdresser in Pennsylvania, which lies but a few miles away, to perform these grooming services for him, we apprehended him on suspicion of violating interstate markets. Pending further investigation."

  Dalton Lambert, Mr. Blastac's neighbor, said, "I saw Tim out back trimming his mullet, and I joked about it to some of the guys down at the shop... someone must have contacted the authorities." Under the interstate commerce clause found in the Constitution, the federal government routinely punishes individuals for growing marijuana that those individuals could potentially transport across state lines, thus potentially affecting potential markets in other states, even if those markets are neither legitimized nor regulated under legislation of any type.

  Mr. Blastac, by allegedly performing grooming services on himself that could have been performed by an individual in a neighboring state, allegedly compromised the potential for an individual in a market in another state to potentially profit from potentially performing these services. "We will not tolerate violations to potential markets," chief inspector Ryan Henneman, of the ATF, said. "Just as growing vegetables in your own garden violates the potential profits to be made by for-profit vegetable growers in other states, we cannot allow individuals to perform services on themselves that could potentially be performed by individuals in other potential markets, in other states."

  The federal government has issued blanket warnings to individuals who mow their own lawns, raise livestock such as chickens or rabbits for their own consumption, or maintain and service their own vehicles, as well as any activities that smack of self-sufficiency or self-reliance, saying that individuals performing these tasks, which all violate potential markets in potentially different states, will be brought to justice.

  "We have for too long allowed these violations of potential commerce among the states to go on unpunished," Agent Brown said. "Soon the general public will understand that the potential rights of potential markets to make potential profits far exceeds the fourteenth (XIV) or the fifth (V) Amendment right of the individual to his or her liberty, or to decide for his or herself when and how to cut his or her own hair or what it is he or she should grow, smoke, or consume, on his or her private property." The ACLU declined to comment for this story.

  by James J. Jameson, reporting for Bronco 8 news

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agencies or other groups are intended to be taken as factual statements.)

  Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on the necessity of union

  When the Declaration of Independence was written, and its sister document, the Constitution, the need for Union among the States was great. Joined in Union, the States proved better able to effect their independence, and to stand strong collectively, a dozen-odd entities working together against the many pressures that faced our young nation as it fought to make a place for itself in the world, and to prove that its shockingly progressive ideals had staying-power.

  Then, halfway through the 19^th century, divergent forces and interests among the States compelled them to split apart into two separate nations, one seeking to maintain a slave-based economy, the other seeking, officially, to maintain the Union. Whole populations that no longer felt that they should be following the same path rose up in conflict, two seemingly foreign peoples that understood that they had grown simply too far apart in thought and in method to be able to stay together. In those times of relative national weakness and persistent internal turmoil, the Union held; it has held through two world wars, scores of other police-actions (including Vietnam, Afghanistan 2001, Iraq 2003), and rapid and widespread cultural and societal transformations both here and abroad.

  Today, however, we have witnessed the ascendancy of a federal supremacy over the states, and within that supremacy the elevation of the executive branch (in clear violation of the checks and balances built into the Constitution), as well as growing divergences between the citizens who live in roughly the same areas as those that split asunder in the 1860s. Two loose but still recognizable camps have formed in this nation, with millions of voters hovering at varying degrees around the edges of each, one camp calling for more punitive and dogmatic responses to our problems, a camp that relies on the gullibility of the masses for the propagation of its conservative views on religion and society, the other camp one that strives at least superficially for rational debate, the reinstatement of the constitutional right to liberty, and a more compassionate and socialistic view of the role that government and society must play in the elevation of the American People and in the bringing about of our Safety and Happiness. (It would be convenient to suppose that I am here referring to Republicans and Democrats respectively, but as these parties have become the necessary repositories of most anyone seeking political office, their ranks are as varied in their opinions as is the greater population, which is split roughly between liberals and conservatives, i.e. between those who seek to propagate liberty through rational debate and those who seek to maintain the status quo through Fear Of The Unknown and an inflexible mind-set. In my opinion, open debate and rational thinking are essential to the propagation of liberty, for the concept of liberty presupposes that the individual is capable of deciding for himself how best to lead his life: it demands of him that he understands the consequences of his actions while allowing him to live a virtuous life devoid of willful violations of the life, liberty, or property of his fellow persons.)

  Perhaps it would be best, then, in this time of America's military supremacy around the world (when no danger is clear and present enough to enact our total destruction), in this era of seemingly irreconcilable rhetoric and clear societal, moral, and religious divergence, to conclude with this chapter of our experiment and, as the Union of all States is no longer absolutely necessary for the basic preservation of our nation, to allow those portions that wish to pursue their own course to secede.

  Since our country's inception, we have added a good number of states, in locations sometimes far-flung from our original borders, states that by their isolation are seen even now as distant lands and foreign peoples whose primary binding characteristic is the feeble, cancer-like presence of the homogenized corporate retail location. In the interest of DomesticTranquility, it would be better to allow those who wished to establish a socially conservative nation based on a particular religion where they might better keep the ignorant in Fear, a place where the individual might not have the right to decide for herself how to affect her body (by tattoo, weight-loss, or abortion), where the benefits of the joining of individuals in marriage or civil union would be bestowed only according to the writings of a specific religious text (and not to homosexuals or to couples of different hues), where a specific language might be declared (the USA haveno official language), and where a specific system of beliefs might be recognized by all, unanimously, as the state religion.

  Perhaps the citizens of America should be asked directly if they feel that these two clearly divergent populations should become separate nations, an official poll to gauge the possibility of such a split, even an outright vote for their fragmentation and reintegration as separate nations according to the wishes of the respective majorities. (These new nations would have to be well-established, sovereign states with clearly demarcated borders, their constitutions well-written, with provisions in place for the unobstructed movement of goods and people between them, especially people who decide, within a set amount of time, that they had made a mistake and would like to switch nations.)

  The essence of liberty that flowered in America and in the world during the 1960s was stamped out in this country for a number of reasons, among them conservatism, Fear of the Unknown, war-mongering, and racism. Chief among these reasons, however, was the passage of legislation prohibiting the use, possession, and distribution of mood altering substances such as marijuana, legislation that to this day continues to violate the liberty of the American People by restricting their ability to obtain and use legally those substances that they deem would best assist them in their pursuit of Happiness.

  Until such time as the citizens of America are granted their constitutional rights to life, liberty, and property; until such time as their right to abort unwanted fetuses and to use whichever substance they decide are best and to marry whomever they please; until such time as the citizens are entrusted fully with their unalienable right to choose for themselves how best to lead their lives and they regain the right to pursue their Happiness as they decide is best; until that time, liberty does not abide in these United States, and the rights enumerated in the Constitution are null and void. (If any one portion of the Constitution becomes null and void, the entire Constitution must be considered null and void.)

  Certain constitutional protections (against unwarranted searches and seizures) continue to be violated courtesy of the Patriot Act. Similarly, enforcement of the Controlled Substances Act violates the individual's fifth and fourteenth Amendment right to property, because her body is her only true property, and she can do with her property whatever she wants, so long as she is not harming anyone else's property. Since some of the most fundamental rights and protections our Constitution was supposed to have provided continue to be withheld from the American people, we must assume that our Constitution is no longer functioning as intended, that is has been so abused and mocked that it more resembles a nice thing to read on a sunny afternoon than a bedrock legal document. With this our finest document already torn, tattered, and violated, with our most basic rights and protections reduced to the theoretical, we would do well to allow those seeking liberty to break off from those seeking to cling fearfully to the mistakes of the past, that a new Union based solidly on the principles set forth by our nation's forefathers might be formed, a new nation that would not rest until the Blessings of Liberty were guaranteed to ourselves and our Posterity, equally and without undue restriction.

  Let the religious zealots thump their holy books and legislate according to their morality, in their own nation, while they funnel the wealth of their people into the pockets of the richest one percent. We rational, progressive, compassionate few, we who yearn for liberty, we who would like to affect our bodies and to pursue our Happiness as we see fit, our Safety protected by the might of the Declaration, our rights as enumerated in the Constitution immutable and unalienable now, and forever.

  Only through constant vigilance and rational foresight can we ensure Liberty and Justice for all. Stand up. Speak out. Demand your constitutional rights. While this struggle may seem nearly over, we have not yet begun to fight.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on safety vs. liberty

  In America today, we face a simple choice: whether to fight for our freedom or to continue on our present course, and sacrifice freedom to the hollow lie of false security. (By false security I mean the efforts by our government to control the lives the American People by restricting what they do to their bodies, and by punishing them for pursuing Happiness or for exercising Liberty, efforts that mock and destroy the tender concept of freedom by trying to make it one-size-fits-all, when it is a messy, individualistic affair too easily ruined through external tampering.)

  We, the People of America, are not a free people. We have allowed our freedom to be taken from us. We have allowed, for forty (40) years, the Controlled Substances Act to destroy our freedom to choose what to do with our own bodies (thankfully, it is not yet illegal to get tattooed, or to undergo elective surgery, two activities that alter the body just as much as recreational drug use). We have allowed the Patriot Act to do violence to the Constitution, and to rob us of our once inalienable protections. We have allowed our police to focus on sidestepping our Constitutional protections (by letting them brow-beat citizens into body and property searches, and by letting the police lie, cheat, and steal in order to bust criminals engaged in non-violent “crimes”), a focus that negates police effectiveness and that forces them daily to violate their most sacred of oaths, as they have all sworn to defend and uphold the Constitution of the United States of America. (A police officer actively involved in persuading a citizen to give up his Constitutional protections is actively involved in destroying the U.S. Constitution.)

  We have allowed all these things to happen because we have allowed Fear into our hearts. When, in the early Seventies, we saw our crime rates rise, we blamed it solely on drug-use, and banned the use of certain substances (thereby robbing the American people of the right to dispose of their bodies any way they wanted), while not banning certain other substances – alcohol and cigarettes – substances that have maimed and murdered millions of America's sons and daughters. When faced with the consequences of our failed foreign policies (09SEP2011), we gave up our freedom, preferring to have our liberty violated by persons within our own government rather than to have it violated from without. For these reasons, we are no longer a free People. For these reasons, ours is no longer the land of the free (for Liberty knows few personal restrictions), nor is it the home of the brave (for the pure of heart rejoice always in their impending death: they fear only cowardice).

  In concurrence with the erosion of America's common dream, we have seen the erosion of our most basic and fundamental concepts. Our patriotism has been supplanted by conspicuous flag-waving and banner-hanging (very often in blatant violation of the code governing the treatment of the flag of the United States of America). Our secular morality has been high-jacked by the forces of religious conservatism (to become xenophobic proxy-racism). Gone are the days when we were told to fear nothing but fear itself: now we are told exactly what to fear, and that we have a whole lot more to fear that we ever thought we were capable of being afraid of. Our once-great traditions of story-telling and gung-ho, can-do enthusiasm have been tongue-lashed out of us by our corporate overlords; they have shriveled to almost nothing before the inexorable, terrible beauty of television.

  Brothers. Sisters. Fellow New Guards for our future Security. Now is the time for your voices to be heard. Now is the time to recover for our Posterity the promise of this land, and to free our constitutionally-guaranteed Liberty from the shackles of repression, religion, and fear.

  Freedom, much like democracy, is always messy: its expression will hurt someone else's feelings, every time. But as much sacrifice as freedom demands, it repays tenfold with deep, abiding confidence, with true and tender self-respect. So take a chance, and take your opinions known: it does not matter what you have to say, merely that you are saying it out loud, in full accordance with your Constitutional rights.

  It is easier, far easier, not to fight for the Blessings of Liberty that the Constitution guarantees: all we have to do is continue to do nothing, to let the enemies of freedom take from us the few liberties we have left.

  This cannot come to pass. Stand up. Speak out. Challenge everything.

p.s. congratulations to the United States Marine Corps for two hundred thirty six years of defending the liberty of the American people from all enemies, foreign and domestic.

Libertatem Defendendam - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on slavery as punishment

  The thirteenth amendment to the US Constitution reads, "Neither slavery nor involuntary servitude, except as a punishment for crime whereof the party shall have been duly convicted, shall exist within the United States, or any place subject to their jurisdiction."

  By any measure, this amendment does not abolish slavery - it makes slavery into an acceptable, official form of punishment. If my memory serves me correctly, however, few if any convicted criminals have been sentenced recently to slavery or indentured servitude. The use of slavery as a punitive measure would be more useful in some situations, less in others. A petty thief is fairly likely to renounce his life of crime after a few hard seasons under the lash, while a corporate officer convicted of fraud and embezzlement, a white man accustomed to the finest treatment his ill-won gains could bring him, such a man might just emerge from his grueling months toiling in the hot summer sun a humble and reformed person. Similarly, a man-slaughtering cuckold is unlikely to find redemption in tall swaying fields of sugarcane (a modern industry in which slavery is still widespread today), while the bankers who were allowed to profit enormously from the sale of fraudulent mortgage-backed securities would truly understand the meaning of labor if put to task making self-guided V2 rockets in the caves of central Germany.

  Perhaps is is because so many Americans have enslaved themselves willingly to the whore-gods of small-scale capital gain and conspicuous materialism that slavery is not used more frequently as a punitive measure: the slave is already under the yoke, so allowing her to max out her credit cards and providing her with no better outlet at which to express her abounding creativity and endless potential – in her pursuit of food, shelter, and clothing, the Three Fundamental Components of Safety – no better outlet than some menial, repetitive job, her self-imposed and self-maintained slavery ensures that the fruits of her hard labor are not afforded to her but to the very few persons who sit atop America's pyramid-scheme of capitalism. The slave will be in debt until the day she dies, always struggling to make the minimal payment for things she did not truly need, and could not truly afford.

  I abhor slavery. I do not think any person should ever be put (or put themselves) in chains, but as long as our Constitution states that slavery can be utilized as a way to punish criminals, we should consider using it to bring the false princes of capitalism down a peg or two. The humble are not just the backbone of civil society, they are its savior.

  Until next time, I remain, your most humble and loyal servant, &c.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

counter-protesting - day # 4

  This picture shows the sign I have been holding on the square in Hanover PA for the last few days (the opposite side reads, CHOICE = LIBERTY - DEFEND THE CONSTITUTION). Today, however, things got a bit nasty: a priest showed up, grabbed the pro-lifers' only PRAY TO END ABORTION sign, crossed the street, and stood directly behind me for a good forty-five minutes. We had a brief conversation about the freedom of speech (he was incredulous when I told him that most modern nations allow their people to speak freely), but he retreated all the same, with a farewell, "See you later," when his attempts at intimidation didn't cause me to immediately vacate my spot.

  Many were the people who voiced their support for my efforts at counter-protesting, among them a shopkeeper from a nearby store (who praised me for keeping my distance from the pro-lifers and not posting up directly behind or next to them), truck drivers, people in passing cars, and the very nice couple who, out of solidarity, bought me a coffee and a water. Many also were the people who voiced their opposition to my signs, either through thumbs down or by yelling angry threats from passing cars.

  The culmination of my day, however, was when the local police showed up to inform me that they had received multiple complaints about the fact that I was displaying in public the word vagina. "This is borderline disorderly conduct," the officer said; "you have the right to speak freely, but we're getting complaints about the word vagina on your sign." I asked him if I could complain about the fact that the pro-lifers have pictures of dead and bloody fetuses on their signs, which I find disturbing and offensive, and he told me to file a complaint at the station. He took my name, address, and date of birth, and thanked me for being civil about the complaints. When I raised my coffee to him as I was packing up and he was pulling out of the parking area where I had been standing, he nearly shouted out with glee.

  I can imagine only one source for the complaints: the pro-lifers who had tried to bring out the big guns, and, having failed to shake my resolve, turned snitch. To stay out of trouble with the law, I will change my sign to read, "KEEP YOUR PRAYERS OUT OF MY WOMB," but womb is not nearly as memorable as vagina. Every action has an equal and appropriate reaction. I refuse to turn snitch and complain about signs bearing bloody and mangled fetuses, but I will not abandon my battle to secure for the women of this land the Blessings of Liberty. 

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp