on preemptive pardonings

Fake president recently pardoned a former lawman from the Western states who once boasted proudly about having his own concentration camp. An apparent violation of the Due Process Clause of the Constitution, the pardoning of the sheriff was followed by a string of other pardons, these ones also flying in the face of decency. “Before the Mueller investigation harms the only people I love in the world, I hereby preemptively pardon my sons, my son-in-law, my daughters, my advisors, my lawyers, and any other people who might or might not have had contact with Russian agents seeking to assist in my trouncing of a certain female candidate, I don’t know.”

After speaking these words, fake president then bent to the apparently difficult task of signing the pardons, laboring to scrawl his full name on good paper using a fine pen but tiny, child-like hands. Due to his seeming lack of reading skills, he frequently asked aides to explain the meaning of words in the documents he was signing.

A fantastically flagrant overreach of power, fake president’s preemptive pardons will not trigger a Constitutional crisis; said antiquated text has been trampled on and openly violated since shortly after its inception. A dead document that no longer serves to inform the nation’s guiding principles or rein in executive power, the American people have done little to stop the Constitution from becoming a worthless souvenir.

[This is a work of satire; no part of it should be taken as a factual representation of events, statements, opinions, etc., of any persons living or deceased.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

America doffs Liberty

Citing its ongoing disregard for the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty for millions of its citizens, the federal government of the United States of America officially abandoned its stated purpose. “We recognize that spying on the People without securing warrants for each intrusion, and denying Americans the right to choose what substances to put into their bodies, has revealed to a candid world that we've given up on the founding principles,” said president Barack Obama at a Rose Garden press conference. “Therefore, we'll continue the process of distancing ourselves from any and all mentions or references to Liberty, a process that started with the sale of the statue known as Liberty Enlightening the World to Grigovia, a Central Asian nation.” Having written the following: in subsection 1 of section D of the Student Guide Introduction of AFSS 0910, a training document, that the persons who founded the American republic were violent extremists; and in subsection 1 of section E of the same document, that speaking about individual liberties, states' rights, and ways to make the world a better place are examples of extremist behavior; the Department of the Army of the United States ordered a redesign of its official crest. “We reject the notion that freedom is an essential component of American society, and are therefore removing the Phyrgian, or Liberty cap, from our emblem,” said John McHugh, current Secretary of the Army. “Henceforth, on the seal, the tip of the sword will be fully visible, to symbolize our unfailing dedication to striking first without regard to consequence.” Plans announced today also call for the removal of artwork depicting the Phyrgian cap from the Senate, and elsewhere. If the government continues its destruction of civil rights, watchdog groups expect incidents of civil unrest to increase as Americans begin to realize the full extent of federal skullduggery.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

on arming rebels

The Grigovian government today issued a sharp rebuke of U.S. American efforts to sell arms to bands of Islamic extremist operating on the fringes of its western province of Tera Pyltannia, which borders Iran. Independent reports verify that operatives of the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) have been working ceaselessly to provide weapons to a loose collection of tribesmen known as al Qusuf. Once allied with Grigovia's own indigenous Yaelong tribes, al Qusuf were expelled from the country after briefly instituting orthodox Sharia law back in the 1840s and subsequently abusing the rights of thousands of peaceful peasant women. “For nearly all of this region's recorded history, al Qusuf have been causing trouble,” said Dr. Ulantha Grossman, professor of Central Asian history at Queen Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. “By all accounts, the members of al Qusuf are bad, dangerous people whose tools are repression, fear, and murder. The American government appears to be growing increasingly desperate in its attempts to destabilize the Iranian government prior to its impending violation of the latter nation's sovereignty. If this is how the Ynki spreads freedom and democracy, we want no part of it.“

Grigovian scouting parties recently captured dozens of rocket-propelled grenades as well as surface-to-air missiles capable of punching a modern fighter jet out of the sky, all of them stamped “Made In America.” Scores of individuals attempting to deliver these sophisticated weapons systems to contacts in the various al Qusuf militias were arrested, temporarily hobbled, and sent back to Washington with stern warnings against further unwarranted meddling. (In accordance with a longstanding national law, members of al Qusuf found within the borders of Grigovia are given the chance to flee; if they refuse, they are strangled to death.) “We have little control over how the American government treats the Iranians to our west or the Afghanis to our south,” said Pendogarst Ulyind, Lieutenant-Colonel of the Grigovian Border Defense Forces, from a network of well-provisioned caves somewhere in the mountains east of the Iranian-Grigovian border. “We as a people learned enough from being treated as a doormat for the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan, however, to recognize clandestine foreign intervention for what it is – outright intrusion on our national sovereignty as well as a threat to regional stability.”

At least a dozen CIA operatives were carrying dossiers containing detailed information in languages familiar to al Qusuf about sites crucial to Grigovian infrastructure. “From the contents of these dossiers we conclude that U.S. American intelligence agencies are planning also to destabilize our own country's democratically elected government,” said Piendoyast Tormund, deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs for the state of Grigovia. “My office has already begun to draft a binding United Nations resolution that aims to curtail Ynki activities here in Central Asia, and we are working with Russia Today and al Jazeera to draw attention to the fact that the U.S. appears to be arming forces hostile to Liberty and the rule of law in places beyond its own borders, which violates numerous international statutes as well as its own legal code.” The Glorious Republic of Grigovia shares more than a hundred kilometers of mountainous, largely inaccessible border with Iran. In recent years, the nation has resisted nearly a dozen ham-fisted attempts by American consortia and corporations to gain control over its vast resources of rare-earth minerals.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia condemns killings

The Glorious Republic of Grigovia recently joined a growing number of nations protesting America's ongoing policy of killing people using unmanned aerial systems, or drones. Concurrent with its formal application to United Nations membership, Grigovia signed the Pact of Peace amongst Prosperous Peoples (PoPaPP), which censures the government of the United States and calls for it to stop its drone strikes immediately. “Given the illegality of these attacks and a proven American willingness to bomb the citizens of nations with which it is not officially at war, we call for America to forget hatred, anger, and fear and return to the table of friendship,” said Piendoyast Tormund, deputy Minister of Foreign Affairs for the state of Grigovia. “It is illegal, inappropriate, and rude for a big kid to go around with a bucket of his own tears drowning the smaller kids who live down the street.”

Since assuming world hegemony after the fall of the Soviet Union in 1991, the federal government of the United States of America has donned a mantle it once sacrificed so much to overthrow: that of petty, spiteful tyrant. “Fewer than 70 years ago, the U.S. fought to free the oppressed people of the world from the tyrants Hitler and Hirohito,” said Biel Nourdegast, professor of 20th Century history at Pylta the Terrible University, in Pyltagrad. “Now, however, it spirits people from the lands of their birth and tortures them in secret prisons around the world while also using its unmanned aerial systems to watch, track, and kill persons it merely suspects of wanting to do it or its people harm. Such behavior is estimable to tyrants only.” In 1776, a group of non-conformist Americans operating in the 13 original colonies cried foul of King George's ongoing torture and intimidation of his own subjects; they rebelled, using terrorist tactics to topple a corrupt and murderous hegemon. Now, though, in 2013, their ancestors torture and intimidate peaceful peoples the world over, fomenting anger and spreading hatred one drone strike at a time.

“On many levels, the American government's actions violate its founding documents, including the Declaration of Independence and the Constitution” said Ula Ouliffant, a political science student at Eastern Grigovia University, in Gar Nuuzsh. “When president Obama authorized the Hellfire missile strike that killed the son of Anwar al-Awlaki, he violated the XIV Constitutional amendment by depriving the boy of life without due process of law [i.e. without first fulfilling the young man's right to a trial by his peers]. Any sane person will agree that the president of a republic who destroys its founding document by violating its clearly worded text should be removed from office as quickly as is possible.” Grigovia has expelled the American diplomatic mission until such time as drone strikes stop. Despite ongoing international efforts, neither presidents G.W. Bush nor B.H. Obama will likely ever be tried in The Hague for their crimes against humanity.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Obama gets pretty

Preening in front of a floor-to-ceiling mirror in one of the White House's dustier upstairs hallways, President Barack Hussein Obama prepared for the next debate with his tooth-sucking and lie-spewing rival, Mitt Romney, by getting pretty before getting fucked. Scheduled for 16 October 2012, the next debate will focus on hot-button societal issues such as whether or not lesbian, gay, bisexual, and trans-gender (LGBT) Americans should have the same rights as their heterosexual fellow citizens and whether or not female Americans should be able to decide to have growths removed – legally and safely – that are physically attached to their reproductive organs. (The editorial team here at Mentiri Factorem Productions would like to point out that neither liesmith nor americanifesto supports late-term abortions, merely the right of a woman to abort a fetus before it has become recognizable as such.)

“I like to look pretty when I get fucked,” the President said as he applied brightly-colored eyeliner with a passive-aggressive swooping motion. “I went into the first debate looking a mess; I didn't mind when that angry Caucasian violated my filthy dirt-hole, but I wish I could have had a moment to make sure my mascara wasn't runny before bending over backwards and getting boned like a worthless little man-child.” Sources close to the commander in chief note that, as soon as his rectum had finally stopped bleeding, he began asking for better foundation and mumbling about voter turnout in swing states.

“Rectum?” said Mitt Romney. “Damn near killed 'em.” Here, the multi-millionaire yacht owner and Republican candidate for president, whose party plans to add parts of the Christian bible's old testament to the Constitution of the United States of America, pauses to laugh hysterically. “Beg pardon. But seriously, I loosened that boy's ass up pretty good, so next time, when I give him a slice of this Mormon's pound-cake, he'll be ready for it, 'cuz last time, he cried a lot, and looked plain ugly. It pleases me to no end to hear that he plans to look nice for our next debate – I like my pansies to have put a smidgen of time into their appearances before I ruin them for everyone else.” As soon as the last reporter was escorted from his opulent campaign rooms, Mitt put on three more woolen sweaters and restarted an audio recording of the book Presidenting For Dummies.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

CDC & DEA announce joint venture

Working closely with specialists in Atlanta, Georgia, the Drug Enforcement Agency's (DEA) top brass has expanded its rules and guidelines for regulating nearly every aspect of Americans' lives. In addition to persecuting individuals who affect the body with drugs, the tyranny-minded DEA is adding a suite of new parameters for regulating and punishing persons with excess or insufficient body weight, strange or unconventional haircuts (think mullet, Iroquois, and tonsure), tattoos and other bodily modifications, poor dental health, and an overall lack of proper hygiene. While it already has the power to force the People to take any pills they may not have been taking, and to make sure that they are eating their recommended daily allowance of fiber and grains, and to make sure they do not exceed their weekly ration of hard spirits, this most recent expansion of the DEA's power surprises no one – not anarchists, not neo-anarchists, not even communists, socialists, republicans, neo-republicans, libertarians, nihilists, or vegans.

Said DEA junior press agent Yhett Redunindab, ”It has long been legal for the individual to cut off his nipples, to seal those nipples in airtight containers, and to insert and display the severed discs of flesh in translucent plugs that fill his stretched-out earlobes – but no more. Upon consideration, we, and our fabulous colleagues at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), concluded that such external disfigurement is no different than the internal disfigurement caused by smoking dope or snorting crank, and that, therefore, we can punish anyone who should remove and display his man-teats in such fashion, and anyone doing anything of which we do not personally approve.” An information packet handed out after the briefing outlined additional regulations, such as a prohibition on tattooing designs other than those approved by one's state legislature, an outlawing of the wearing of religious attire (such as the bonnet, the habit, or the hijab) by women, the forced consumption of one's recommended daily allotment of pork, and bans on bulimia, obesity, sloth, jaundice, and the wearing of baggy or sagging pants, shirts that bunch up in the back, popped collars, magenta-colored silk blouses, and socks that are visible above the shoe-rim.

“If a person should think she can just go out and get a unicorn design cut with ink into her left forearm, that person would be thinking wrong,” Mr. Redunindab said while being escorted by heavily-armed civilian contractors to a row of idling black vehicles. “The body is not the individual's property to do with as she pleases, nor do the parameters of Liberty cover activities such as mainlining horse or not eating healthily while within the privacy of one's home. We are watching, we are listening, we do not need warrants, and we shall be making sure that everyone plays to whichever tune we decide, arbitrarily, is best.” When asked how he thought the public would respond once they found out the extent to which the federal and state governments were violating the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty equally to each and every citizen, the agent simply pointed to the individual who had asked the question and laughed as two unsmiling, teeth-grinding contractors dragged her by the hair and threw her in a nearby river.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

NOTW is crap – join NOTA!

If you live in one of the many foul, depressing, forgotten, backwater towns (such as Roswell, New Mexico or Hanover, Pennsylvania) that dot these United States, you will have seen stickers affixed to cars that read NOTW. NOTW stands for Not Of This World, and it implies (as far as I have puzzled out, because I refuse to converse with clowns) that the bearer does not consider herself to be a human walking on Earth, rather that she thinks she belongs to a dream-world that may or may not exist in the skies above us in which a large Caucasian man sits on a golden throne all day deciding who gets happiness, who sadness.

Warning! The NOTW devotee is dim-witted and slow of mind. Because of his narrow, limited view of the world, he has little patience for opinions that dissent from his own, and he works hard to drown out and to silence voices other than those spewing his particular brand of idiocy. All he cares about is making his invisible god happy by going to church regularly and chanting along with the other crazies – therefore his grasp on reality will be, at best, tenuous. Since he will be going soon to his Other Place, his clothing will be stained, ripped, and in poor repair. As he will at any moment be beamed up to his Heaven on a rippling stream of his Jesus' piss, he will not have showered or brushed his teeth in months, and he will stink like a gut shot mule-deer. The NOTW crowd, though large and widely-distributed, has only to die in order to get to their Happy Place; they care not for the woes of our nation, nor do they see any sense in making tomorrow a better place.

In response to NOTW, a loose organization has formed for persons seeking a respite from lunatics and idiots. Called Not Of This America, or NOTA, this voluntary affiliation of open-minded, tight-lipped, results-oriented individuals actually works toward making this nation a Happier Place for All; we sacrifice time and effort not to meet the religious measure of others but to improve the lives of our fellow citizens. Two of the primary goals of NOTA are to battle tyranny and religious oppression within the republic and to defend Liberty against all who might do her harm. In keeping with our proud and longstanding traditions of taking personally the plight of fair Columbia, NOTA shall highlight a number of its core values, submitting facts to a candid world.

My America is a place where the Blessings of Liberty are alive and well, where people decide for themselves which drugs to use, where they are allowed to affect their bodies in any way they decide is best, where they can gain or lose weight, drink booze or not drink booze, and smoke dope or not smoke dope as they please. My America is a place where politicians have the common fucking courtesy to keep their religious opinions to themselves. My America is a place where women have full, inalienable rights to their bodies, and where they are free to decide if and when to abort a fetus. My America is a place where all persons have food, clothing, and shelter, and where one out of six of my countrymen does not live with hunger. My America is a place where a homosexual can marry anyone who agrees to marry him back. My America is a place where the economic systems work to better the lives of three hundred million, not to make a few hundred thousand wealthy beyond reckoning. My America is a place where the police protect the Constitution rather than tricking and browbeating innocent persons into forfeiting their hard-won protections. My America is a place where there are more than two, all-but-identical political parties. My America is a place where the people elect their president rather than having their president appointed for them by an electoral college. My America does not invade foreign countries without having first declared war on them, nor does she ever initiate wars of aggression against sovereign nations. My America is a place where only rational laws are passed, where laws based on moral or religious considerations are laughed down raucously by all members of Congress. My America is a place to which the wretched flee so as to escape tyranny, not where the downtrodden are constantly tyrannized.

If any of the aforementioned values struck within you a tone, scrape off that useless NOTW sticker and join the cause for creating a more perfect Union, establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing for the common defence, promoting the general Welfare, and securing the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, all of which at some point in the future shall become again the primary goals of this nation's government. And remember: it doesn't matter if there is a god or not; what matters is what happens where you stand, right now, on this planet, in this land, and if anyone tells you differently, he is a crooked, lying charlatan bent on selling you something.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit