on preemptive pardonings

Fake president recently pardoned a former lawman from the Western states who once boasted proudly about having his own concentration camp. An apparent violation of the Due Process Clause of the Constitution, the pardoning of the sheriff was followed by a string of other pardons, these ones also flying in the face of decency. “Before the Mueller investigation harms the only people I love in the world, I hereby preemptively pardon my sons, my son-in-law, my daughters, my advisors, my lawyers, and any other people who might or might not have had contact with Russian agents seeking to assist in my trouncing of a certain female candidate, I don’t know.”

After speaking these words, fake president then bent to the apparently difficult task of signing the pardons, laboring to scrawl his full name on good paper using a fine pen but tiny, child-like hands. Due to his seeming lack of reading skills, he frequently asked aides to explain the meaning of words in the documents he was signing.

A fantastically flagrant overreach of power, fake president’s preemptive pardons will not trigger a Constitutional crisis; said antiquated text has been trampled on and openly violated since shortly after its inception. A dead document that no longer serves to inform the nation’s guiding principles or rein in executive power, the American people have done little to stop the Constitution from becoming a worthless souvenir.

[This is a work of satire; no part of it should be taken as a factual representation of events, statements, opinions, etc., of any persons living or deceased.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

eighth veil pierced

Following a centuries-old Grigovian tradition of feting any person who successfully locates and masters all eight Challenges of Skill & Mastery, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia today celebrated Yuoyest Uouiyind, aged 14, of Pryaghdoyest. Located each year at different spots around this landlocked Central Asian nation, each Challenge of Skill & Mastery can be reached only on foot or horseback, and participants have from All Hallow's Eve until Second National Independence Day on November 20th to locate and beat them. The final act of each Challenge is to symbolically pierce a veil, which in times past meant using a sword or dirk to cut a hole in a piece of hanging cloth but which today involves not cutting but hacking into one of several websites listed at the individual locations. Ms. Uouiyind is the youngest contestant ever to win the title of Skilled Mistress of Challenges; she studies neurobiology and mathematics at the Che Guevara Secondary School for Biology in her hometown in southern Grigovia. Reports speak of impromptu parades across Grigovia in the young lady's honor, although the state parade is scheduled for noon on this coming Saturday along the Avenue of the Victims of Imperialistic Oppression in beautiful downtown Grig.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥