Republicans expand platform

Waiting for just the right mass-shooting or natural disaster to conceal its un-American and freedom-hating ways, the Republican Party in America (RePIA, pronounced “rape-ya”) plans to add to its presidential platform more sections based on the Christian bible. Said Paul Ryan, a religious extremist hoping to gain the vice presidency, at a press conference held at the Mexican border where a group of non-Christian Americans were being quietly banished from the land of their birth, “Once Mitt and I take the White House, you're gonna be seeing a lot fewer gays or women wearing pants around here, as we will be expelling or imprisoning anyone who does not adhere strictly to the old testament directives of YHWH, my personal, bloodthirsty god. Start reading Leviticus, today; if you find yourself violating any of its clearly-worded mandates – if you so much as look at another man's wife or think even the most tame of tainted thoughts – we'll dispatch the Faith Police to eradicate from the earth the last traces of your worldly passage.”

Abandoning Reason and ignoring fully our founding concepts of Liberty, Justice, and Equality, RePIA plans to revoke a woman's right to her body and to force girls – including victims of rape and incest – into risking their lives by carrying unwanted fetuses to term. Cowed into silence by a life-time of vituperative sermons and a religious text that demands they be treated in the manner of dumb and worthless beasts, upon hearing of RePIA's plans the women of America collectively left the room and found a nice quiet place to have a weep. “My youngest daughter slept with her boyfriend for the first time, last week,” said housewife Nancy Graise-Winstlomb, a meek woman from Yankton, South Dakota. “Now, with the Republicans banning marriage between persons of different faiths, I shall have to find a Christian man to marry her, but when he discovers that she has already lost her virginity, we'll have to stone her to death on our front porch, while the community watches. Good grief – we should have fled to Argentina when we had the chance.”

Interpreting into our founding documents mentions of the Christians' god, RePIA seems to have forgotten that there is no mention of Jesus, YHWH, Mary, Joseph, stray lambs, heaven, hell, Leviticus, or Deuteronomy in 99% the official correspondences of our founding persons, which include George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Abigail Adams, and Susan B. Anthony. “The opinions of Washington or Adams don't matter,” said Mitt Romney from atop a self-propelled, gilded, tax-payer-funded throne built on the ruins of the American companies that he has gutted and shipped off to distant free-economic-zones. “My advisers said that the Taliban's more dastardly and misogynistic tactics effectively controlled and subjugated the Afghani population, so Paul and I plan to put the worst parts of the Bible – the ones that were written for the Israelites, a desert-people who lived during the Bronze Age, five thousand years ago – we want to put those to work, right now, right here in America. Therefore, anyone who works on the Sabbath, who does not bathe correctly, who looks at or talks to a woman who is on her period, who eats impure meats such as pork, who curses his mother or father, or who dares to question the supremacy of the various church-fathers, those persons will be put to death by the explicit command of Jesus, YHWH, god – whatever you wanna call the Lord.” Pausing to glare at an area mother who was operating a passing motor-vehicle, the former Massachusetts governor wrote down the woman's license-plate number before continuing on, saying, “Shit, boys, I'm not even a Christian, but I'll pretend to be one in exchange for presidential power.”

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

NOTW is crap – join NOTA!

If you live in one of the many foul, depressing, forgotten, backwater towns (such as Roswell, New Mexico or Hanover, Pennsylvania) that dot these United States, you will have seen stickers affixed to cars that read NOTW. NOTW stands for Not Of This World, and it implies (as far as I have puzzled out, because I refuse to converse with clowns) that the bearer does not consider herself to be a human walking on Earth, rather that she thinks she belongs to a dream-world that may or may not exist in the skies above us in which a large Caucasian man sits on a golden throne all day deciding who gets happiness, who sadness.

Warning! The NOTW devotee is dim-witted and slow of mind. Because of his narrow, limited view of the world, he has little patience for opinions that dissent from his own, and he works hard to drown out and to silence voices other than those spewing his particular brand of idiocy. All he cares about is making his invisible god happy by going to church regularly and chanting along with the other crazies – therefore his grasp on reality will be, at best, tenuous. Since he will be going soon to his Other Place, his clothing will be stained, ripped, and in poor repair. As he will at any moment be beamed up to his Heaven on a rippling stream of his Jesus' piss, he will not have showered or brushed his teeth in months, and he will stink like a gut shot mule-deer. The NOTW crowd, though large and widely-distributed, has only to die in order to get to their Happy Place; they care not for the woes of our nation, nor do they see any sense in making tomorrow a better place.

In response to NOTW, a loose organization has formed for persons seeking a respite from lunatics and idiots. Called Not Of This America, or NOTA, this voluntary affiliation of open-minded, tight-lipped, results-oriented individuals actually works toward making this nation a Happier Place for All; we sacrifice time and effort not to meet the religious measure of others but to improve the lives of our fellow citizens. Two of the primary goals of NOTA are to battle tyranny and religious oppression within the republic and to defend Liberty against all who might do her harm. In keeping with our proud and longstanding traditions of taking personally the plight of fair Columbia, NOTA shall highlight a number of its core values, submitting facts to a candid world.

My America is a place where the Blessings of Liberty are alive and well, where people decide for themselves which drugs to use, where they are allowed to affect their bodies in any way they decide is best, where they can gain or lose weight, drink booze or not drink booze, and smoke dope or not smoke dope as they please. My America is a place where politicians have the common fucking courtesy to keep their religious opinions to themselves. My America is a place where women have full, inalienable rights to their bodies, and where they are free to decide if and when to abort a fetus. My America is a place where all persons have food, clothing, and shelter, and where one out of six of my countrymen does not live with hunger. My America is a place where a homosexual can marry anyone who agrees to marry him back. My America is a place where the economic systems work to better the lives of three hundred million, not to make a few hundred thousand wealthy beyond reckoning. My America is a place where the police protect the Constitution rather than tricking and browbeating innocent persons into forfeiting their hard-won protections. My America is a place where there are more than two, all-but-identical political parties. My America is a place where the people elect their president rather than having their president appointed for them by an electoral college. My America does not invade foreign countries without having first declared war on them, nor does she ever initiate wars of aggression against sovereign nations. My America is a place where only rational laws are passed, where laws based on moral or religious considerations are laughed down raucously by all members of Congress. My America is a place to which the wretched flee so as to escape tyranny, not where the downtrodden are constantly tyrannized.

If any of the aforementioned values struck within you a tone, scrape off that useless NOTW sticker and join the cause for creating a more perfect Union, establishing Justice, insuring domestic Tranquility, providing for the common defence, promoting the general Welfare, and securing the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, all of which at some point in the future shall become again the primary goals of this nation's government. And remember: it doesn't matter if there is a god or not; what matters is what happens where you stand, right now, on this planet, in this land, and if anyone tells you differently, he is a crooked, lying charlatan bent on selling you something.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit