Republicans expand platform

Waiting for just the right mass-shooting or natural disaster to conceal its un-American and freedom-hating ways, the Republican Party in America (RePIA, pronounced “rape-ya”) plans to add to its presidential platform more sections based on the Christian bible. Said Paul Ryan, a religious extremist hoping to gain the vice presidency, at a press conference held at the Mexican border where a group of non-Christian Americans were being quietly banished from the land of their birth, “Once Mitt and I take the White House, you're gonna be seeing a lot fewer gays or women wearing pants around here, as we will be expelling or imprisoning anyone who does not adhere strictly to the old testament directives of YHWH, my personal, bloodthirsty god. Start reading Leviticus, today; if you find yourself violating any of its clearly-worded mandates – if you so much as look at another man's wife or think even the most tame of tainted thoughts – we'll dispatch the Faith Police to eradicate from the earth the last traces of your worldly passage.”

Abandoning Reason and ignoring fully our founding concepts of Liberty, Justice, and Equality, RePIA plans to revoke a woman's right to her body and to force girls – including victims of rape and incest – into risking their lives by carrying unwanted fetuses to term. Cowed into silence by a life-time of vituperative sermons and a religious text that demands they be treated in the manner of dumb and worthless beasts, upon hearing of RePIA's plans the women of America collectively left the room and found a nice quiet place to have a weep. “My youngest daughter slept with her boyfriend for the first time, last week,” said housewife Nancy Graise-Winstlomb, a meek woman from Yankton, South Dakota. “Now, with the Republicans banning marriage between persons of different faiths, I shall have to find a Christian man to marry her, but when he discovers that she has already lost her virginity, we'll have to stone her to death on our front porch, while the community watches. Good grief – we should have fled to Argentina when we had the chance.”

Interpreting into our founding documents mentions of the Christians' god, RePIA seems to have forgotten that there is no mention of Jesus, YHWH, Mary, Joseph, stray lambs, heaven, hell, Leviticus, or Deuteronomy in 99% the official correspondences of our founding persons, which include George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Abigail Adams, and Susan B. Anthony. “The opinions of Washington or Adams don't matter,” said Mitt Romney from atop a self-propelled, gilded, tax-payer-funded throne built on the ruins of the American companies that he has gutted and shipped off to distant free-economic-zones. “My advisers said that the Taliban's more dastardly and misogynistic tactics effectively controlled and subjugated the Afghani population, so Paul and I plan to put the worst parts of the Bible – the ones that were written for the Israelites, a desert-people who lived during the Bronze Age, five thousand years ago – we want to put those to work, right now, right here in America. Therefore, anyone who works on the Sabbath, who does not bathe correctly, who looks at or talks to a woman who is on her period, who eats impure meats such as pork, who curses his mother or father, or who dares to question the supremacy of the various church-fathers, those persons will be put to death by the explicit command of Jesus, YHWH, god – whatever you wanna call the Lord.” Pausing to glare at an area mother who was operating a passing motor-vehicle, the former Massachusetts governor wrote down the woman's license-plate number before continuing on, saying, “Shit, boys, I'm not even a Christian, but I'll pretend to be one in exchange for presidential power.”

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North Carolina announces Fag-Out 2012

Come one, come all, to Fag-Out 2012, and help us get the Fags Out! Billed as America's largest concerted action against homosexuality, lesbianism, and freedom since that cunt Liberty first sneezed, this will be the righteous killing-spree demanded by our bloodthirsty God. We shall drive the queers, the screwballs, and the homos out of this state – and out of the whole goshdurn South – first by casually banning gay marriage, then by passing and enforcing laws based on those found in Leviticus 20 of the Old Testament. As per the explicit, clearly-worded instructions of terrible god YHWH, it is the duty of every Christian to kill, murder, put to death, and otherwise end the life of any man sleeping with another man as he would sleep with a woman. Fuck the teachings of Jesus Christ, who never once said that marriage Had To Be between a man and a woman, or, who, for that matter, never actually spoke of homosexuality as evil, or bad – we are going old-school on this one, unleashing the fury of that most jealous and spiteful of gods, Jehovah, with a fierce vengeance and unrelenting fury not seen since He wreaked His blessed genocide upon the inhabitants of Jericho.

It was not enough for us to call homosexuality a sin; we were not satisfied with ridiculing and occasionally beating on those damn dirty fairies; our efforts to marginalize these our honest, upright fellow Americans in other, less obvious ways, simply did not go far enough; no, we had to pass laws to make them officially and legally Worth Less Than Everyone Else (and lacking of equal treatment under the law). And now, we finally get to start killing them. Please, concerned citizens of North Carolina, denizens of the Southern states, please, if you are not a filthy fucking faggot, please mark your front door with three large black X's, and do not interfere if you see us dragging your lesbian neighbors out of their homes by the hair and hacking their heads off in the streets using common digging shovels. Please, stay inside, watch your TV, have another snack, and don't forget to send your checks to support the blessed, righteous ministry of your favorite televangelist. If you want to get involved, if you want to bludgeon a stinking homo to death without worrying about others mistaking it for a human being, go on down and get deputized at your local police station, thus joining our honorable ranks and perpetuating the proud tradition of the Leviticus 20 Liberator (c), such honest, caring people as have been “liberating the souls of gays to Hell since well before the birth of Christ."

So join us for Fag-Out 2012: put a shine on your killin' boots, a razor's edge on that pig-sticker, and leave your ability to reason and any remaining shred of common sense at home, 'cuz we got more Freedoms to rescind, and a whole bunch of pillow-biters and rug-munchers to put out of their miserable fucking lives.

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