a Catholic beating

Brazenly violating the teachings of her purported savior and the rules of common courtesy, a supposedly-pious area mother assaults and batters her own, unruly child. “We just can't control her anymore,” the mother is reported to have said. “She curses at us, complaining because we only listen to the Christian radio stations while driving in our car. I went to smack her on the mouth the other day, for saying something stupid and for using a bad word, and the child jerked away from my hand and tried to run away from me. What kind of little shit won't stand still and take her just licks? Incredible.”

Contrary to this news team's initial speculation, the woman's priest, an anal-retentive man with painfully fair skin and a disproportionately large food gut, was not troubled upon hearing about the woman's physical abusive of a child supposedly in his flock, saying, “YHWH gave that woman's husband absolute power over her and that child, but, since the husband is a spineless lightweight and the woman bore the child for nine months, squeezing it out of a tiny hole in her nether-regions, she has the right to discipline it as she sees fit, which, of course, includes smacking it on the mouth whenever she wants to. So long as she does not stop publicly praising Jesus and making regular donations at the church office, she could even kill the child without us so much as batting an eye; in fact, YHWH demands that parents kill unruly children.” (Leviticus 20:9)

Due to the ever-present threat of violence at home, the unruly child has been staying with her aunt and uncle, who do not beat children, since they are worthless fucking heathens. The abusive mother declined our request for interview, stating that she had to organize the next session of 40-days-for-life, a wearisome series of public protests during which the Catholic community labors to restrict a woman's right to her own body, attempting to codify the more radical Biblical teachings into law by legally banning such things as abortion, and birth-control. When cornered at a local discount retailer and asked – in light of her youngest child's severe mental retardation – if she would consider not having any more children to avoid making more handicapped babies, the 43-year-old woman began to scream uncontrollably, lashing out at anyone who came within her reach and babbling incoherently about religious freedom. When we explained to an inquisitive onlooker what was going on, he said, “Jesus tells us to do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves; I don't think he intended for some dumb bitch to discipline her kid by punching it in the face.”

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North Carolina announces Fag-Out 2012

Come one, come all, to Fag-Out 2012, and help us get the Fags Out! Billed as America's largest concerted action against homosexuality, lesbianism, and freedom since that cunt Liberty first sneezed, this will be the righteous killing-spree demanded by our bloodthirsty God. We shall drive the queers, the screwballs, and the homos out of this state – and out of the whole goshdurn South – first by casually banning gay marriage, then by passing and enforcing laws based on those found in Leviticus 20 of the Old Testament. As per the explicit, clearly-worded instructions of terrible god YHWH, it is the duty of every Christian to kill, murder, put to death, and otherwise end the life of any man sleeping with another man as he would sleep with a woman. Fuck the teachings of Jesus Christ, who never once said that marriage Had To Be between a man and a woman, or, who, for that matter, never actually spoke of homosexuality as evil, or bad – we are going old-school on this one, unleashing the fury of that most jealous and spiteful of gods, Jehovah, with a fierce vengeance and unrelenting fury not seen since He wreaked His blessed genocide upon the inhabitants of Jericho.

It was not enough for us to call homosexuality a sin; we were not satisfied with ridiculing and occasionally beating on those damn dirty fairies; our efforts to marginalize these our honest, upright fellow Americans in other, less obvious ways, simply did not go far enough; no, we had to pass laws to make them officially and legally Worth Less Than Everyone Else (and lacking of equal treatment under the law). And now, we finally get to start killing them. Please, concerned citizens of North Carolina, denizens of the Southern states, please, if you are not a filthy fucking faggot, please mark your front door with three large black X's, and do not interfere if you see us dragging your lesbian neighbors out of their homes by the hair and hacking their heads off in the streets using common digging shovels. Please, stay inside, watch your TV, have another snack, and don't forget to send your checks to support the blessed, righteous ministry of your favorite televangelist. If you want to get involved, if you want to bludgeon a stinking homo to death without worrying about others mistaking it for a human being, go on down and get deputized at your local police station, thus joining our honorable ranks and perpetuating the proud tradition of the Leviticus 20 Liberator (c), such honest, caring people as have been “liberating the souls of gays to Hell since well before the birth of Christ."

So join us for Fag-Out 2012: put a shine on your killin' boots, a razor's edge on that pig-sticker, and leave your ability to reason and any remaining shred of common sense at home, 'cuz we got more Freedoms to rescind, and a whole bunch of pillow-biters and rug-munchers to put out of their miserable fucking lives.

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