In response to scores of mass shootings in recent months, the legislative bodies of the United States suspended the inalienable right of people to arm themselves. Taking precedent from the Sedition Acts of 1798 and 1918, which did away with the freedom of speech in America, both houses of Congress passed laws forbidding the possession or use of a firearm by anyone other than active-duty military personnel (while they are on a military base and in uniform).
In response to widespread criticisms, chairperson of the Republican party Ronna McDaniel said in a telephone interview, “Y’all got used to us taking away your natural right to speak freely. You’ll get used to us having taken away your god-given right to arm yourselves, too.” Groups across the United States initiated lawsuits to challenge the Specifical Unilateral Firearm Suppression Act (i.e. SpUFS, Pub.L. 98-102, 20 Stat. 228), many of them representing hunters and the makers of weapons. “This poppycock won’t stand the test of time,” said Rufus T. Glanstone III, a lobbyist for the National Rifle Association (NRA), which represents firearm manufacturers.
In a statement, president Trump (who signed the bill into law) initially criticized SpUFS, then seemed to support it, then changed his mind and called it “garbage,” then said it would help “assure law and order,” then said he’d have to talk to his advisors before ultimately making up his mind about the whole thing. For the most part, however, life continued unchanged across America, as only a quarter of citizens own firearms and even fewer understand that the federal government already violated their sacred, inalienable right to free speech 230 years ago.
[This is a work of satire. No part of this work is to be taken as a factual representation of the opinions of the persons quoted or of conditions within the American republic. No persons were interviewed and all quotes are purely fictional. For more information on the rights inherent to all humans - rights which no government can either grant nor rescind - peruse the links provided, see here, or do your own research.]
[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]
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Showing posts with label amendment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label amendment. Show all posts
14 March 2018
01 June 2012
on the Department for Securing the Blessings of Liberty
Attention, fellow citizens of America: our Liberty is assured. Thanks to the recent establishment of the Department for the Securing of the Blessings of Liberty (or DSBL, which was just this past Thursday morning founded by President Barack Obama while he was having his morning tea), anything and everything that you do that does not demonstrably infringe upon or otherwise violate the Life, Liberty, or Property of any other citizen is a federally protected act. Smoke that sweet, sweet reefer in your own front yard! Get that face tattoo you have always wanted! Lose that belly fat you put on three Thanksgivings ago! Ever since our fine president – he who has recently come out in support of officially protecting same-sex unions and granting homosexual Americans the rights and privileges until now only afforded to different-sex, heterosexual American couples – ever since he finally got around to actually reading the preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America, which states that the primary purpose of our nation's federal government is to “secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,” ever since then, we lowly, downtrodden masses have been finally seeing a few, tender rays of hope in our long yet largely bloodless struggle for individual freedom.
For too long did the police forces of this land punish us for consuming drugs other than alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine; for too long did these selfsame oppressors perform unwarranted searches of our homes and vehicles, in direct violation of the Fourth amendment to the Constitution; for too long did we suffer under a system that punished us for affecting hairstyles other than those approved by state and local censors; for too long did we watch as our teenage countrymen were imprisoned for possessing of small amounts of their drugs of choice. Now is the time, friends, when we might all inhale deeply of the blessed winds of change, when we might fill our lungs of the cleansing breath of Liberty; now is the time that we Americans might enjoy actual, unconstrained freedom.
Not only shall this newest federal Department defend aggressively – in court – the individual's right to do whatever she might please to do to her own body, mind, skin, hair, or clothing: it is spit-polishing rigorously trained and tirelessly educated legions of Enforcers of Liberty's Blessings, or ELB, men and women who have dedicated their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor to protecting the People from the last, clinging remnants of this nation's all-too-recent tyrannical and oppressive past. Is a SWAT team trying to enter your home unannounced? Call the ELB. Is the Drug Enforcement Agency on your ass about that grow-room in the attic? Call the ELB. Are you being hounded by the Department of Homeland Security for exercising your First Amendment right to free speech? Call the ELB. Finally, dear friends, good fellow upstanding American patriots, finally, we can rest assured that the federal, state, and local governments exist to serve us in any possible way they can serve us instead of doing nearly everything in their power to keep us in a state of fear-addled submission to the fickle whims of Johnny Law. So contact the ELB at 1.877.555.GFYS (1.877.555.4397) or visit their website at www.enforcersoflibertysblessings.gov, today!
p.s. This article is a hoax: the federal government does not secure the Blessings of Liberty for the average American, neither our President nor our Congresspersons or Senators aim to enforce the Constitution's preamble, the Constitutional protections do not exist, and you are not free to do with your body or your mind as you see best fit to do, so keep your head on a swivel, a song in your heart, and the Bill of Rights clenched tightly in your white-knuckled fist. Mahalo.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
For too long did the police forces of this land punish us for consuming drugs other than alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine; for too long did these selfsame oppressors perform unwarranted searches of our homes and vehicles, in direct violation of the Fourth amendment to the Constitution; for too long did we suffer under a system that punished us for affecting hairstyles other than those approved by state and local censors; for too long did we watch as our teenage countrymen were imprisoned for possessing of small amounts of their drugs of choice. Now is the time, friends, when we might all inhale deeply of the blessed winds of change, when we might fill our lungs of the cleansing breath of Liberty; now is the time that we Americans might enjoy actual, unconstrained freedom.
Not only shall this newest federal Department defend aggressively – in court – the individual's right to do whatever she might please to do to her own body, mind, skin, hair, or clothing: it is spit-polishing rigorously trained and tirelessly educated legions of Enforcers of Liberty's Blessings, or ELB, men and women who have dedicated their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor to protecting the People from the last, clinging remnants of this nation's all-too-recent tyrannical and oppressive past. Is a SWAT team trying to enter your home unannounced? Call the ELB. Is the Drug Enforcement Agency on your ass about that grow-room in the attic? Call the ELB. Are you being hounded by the Department of Homeland Security for exercising your First Amendment right to free speech? Call the ELB. Finally, dear friends, good fellow upstanding American patriots, finally, we can rest assured that the federal, state, and local governments exist to serve us in any possible way they can serve us instead of doing nearly everything in their power to keep us in a state of fear-addled submission to the fickle whims of Johnny Law. So contact the ELB at 1.877.555.GFYS (1.877.555.4397) or visit their website at www.enforcersoflibertysblessings.gov, today!
p.s. This article is a hoax: the federal government does not secure the Blessings of Liberty for the average American, neither our President nor our Congresspersons or Senators aim to enforce the Constitution's preamble, the Constitutional protections do not exist, and you are not free to do with your body or your mind as you see best fit to do, so keep your head on a swivel, a song in your heart, and the Bill of Rights clenched tightly in your white-knuckled fist. Mahalo.
場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit
22 November 2011
on illegal hair-cutting
30JUN2011
Westminster, MD
Timothy Blastac, an unemployed auto-mechanic from this bucolic town near the Mason-Dixon line, was taken into custody today by the federal government for violating interstate commerce laws. Blastac, who since losing his job has been seen cutting his own hair, declined to comment for this story. Agent Brown, the lead FBI investigator on the case, said at the scene, "Mr. Blastac was witnessed cutting his own hair in his back yard using a hand-held mirror and a pair of cheap clippers. Since his actions violate the potential for a discount hairdresser in Pennsylvania, which lies but a few miles away, to perform these grooming services for him, we apprehended him on suspicion of violating interstate markets. Pending further investigation."
Dalton Lambert, Mr. Blastac's neighbor, said, "I saw Tim out back trimming his mullet, and I joked about it to some of the guys down at the shop... someone must have contacted the authorities." Under the interstate commerce clause found in the Constitution, the federal government routinely punishes individuals for growing marijuana that those individuals could potentially transport across state lines, thus potentially affecting potential markets in other states, even if those markets are neither legitimized nor regulated under legislation of any type.
Mr. Blastac, by allegedly performing grooming services on himself that could have been performed by an individual in a neighboring state, allegedly compromised the potential for an individual in a market in another state to potentially profit from potentially performing these services. "We will not tolerate violations to potential markets," chief inspector Ryan Henneman, of the ATF, said. "Just as growing vegetables in your own garden violates the potential profits to be made by for-profit vegetable growers in other states, we cannot allow individuals to perform services on themselves that could potentially be performed by individuals in other potential markets, in other states."
The federal government has issued blanket warnings to individuals who mow their own lawns, raise livestock such as chickens or rabbits for their own consumption, or maintain and service their own vehicles, as well as any activities that smack of self-sufficiency or self-reliance, saying that individuals performing these tasks, which all violate potential markets in potentially different states, will be brought to justice.
"We have for too long allowed these violations of potential commerce among the states to go on unpunished," Agent Brown said. "Soon the general public will understand that the potential rights of potential markets to make potential profits far exceeds the fourteenth (XIV) or the fifth (V) Amendment right of the individual to his or her liberty, or to decide for his or herself when and how to cut his or her own hair or what it is he or she should grow, smoke, or consume, on his or her private property." The ACLU declined to comment for this story.
Westminster, MD
Timothy Blastac, an unemployed auto-mechanic from this bucolic town near the Mason-Dixon line, was taken into custody today by the federal government for violating interstate commerce laws. Blastac, who since losing his job has been seen cutting his own hair, declined to comment for this story. Agent Brown, the lead FBI investigator on the case, said at the scene, "Mr. Blastac was witnessed cutting his own hair in his back yard using a hand-held mirror and a pair of cheap clippers. Since his actions violate the potential for a discount hairdresser in Pennsylvania, which lies but a few miles away, to perform these grooming services for him, we apprehended him on suspicion of violating interstate markets. Pending further investigation."
Dalton Lambert, Mr. Blastac's neighbor, said, "I saw Tim out back trimming his mullet, and I joked about it to some of the guys down at the shop... someone must have contacted the authorities." Under the interstate commerce clause found in the Constitution, the federal government routinely punishes individuals for growing marijuana that those individuals could potentially transport across state lines, thus potentially affecting potential markets in other states, even if those markets are neither legitimized nor regulated under legislation of any type.
Mr. Blastac, by allegedly performing grooming services on himself that could have been performed by an individual in a neighboring state, allegedly compromised the potential for an individual in a market in another state to potentially profit from potentially performing these services. "We will not tolerate violations to potential markets," chief inspector Ryan Henneman, of the ATF, said. "Just as growing vegetables in your own garden violates the potential profits to be made by for-profit vegetable growers in other states, we cannot allow individuals to perform services on themselves that could potentially be performed by individuals in other potential markets, in other states."
The federal government has issued blanket warnings to individuals who mow their own lawns, raise livestock such as chickens or rabbits for their own consumption, or maintain and service their own vehicles, as well as any activities that smack of self-sufficiency or self-reliance, saying that individuals performing these tasks, which all violate potential markets in potentially different states, will be brought to justice.
"We have for too long allowed these violations of potential commerce among the states to go on unpunished," Agent Brown said. "Soon the general public will understand that the potential rights of potential markets to make potential profits far exceeds the fourteenth (XIV) or the fifth (V) Amendment right of the individual to his or her liberty, or to decide for his or herself when and how to cut his or her own hair or what it is he or she should grow, smoke, or consume, on his or her private property." The ACLU declined to comment for this story.
by James J. Jameson, reporting for Bronco 8 news
(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agencies or other groups are intended to be taken as factual statements.)
Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp
(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agencies or other groups are intended to be taken as factual statements.)
Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp
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