haiku 4 Sep 2018

Spewing endless lies
Is not a character flaw:

It’s a power play

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 17 Apr 2018

On bright flaming legs 
The cruise missiles leaped skyward 
Deadly, illegal 

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

second amendment suspended

In response to scores of mass shootings in recent months, the legislative bodies of the United States suspended the inalienable right of people to arm themselves. Taking precedent from the Sedition Acts of 1798 and 1918, which did away with the freedom of speech in America, both houses of Congress passed laws forbidding the possession or use of a firearm by anyone other than active-duty military personnel (while they are on a military base and in uniform).

In response to widespread criticisms, chairperson of the Republican party Ronna McDaniel said in a telephone interview, “Y’all got used to us taking away your natural right to speak freely. You’ll get used to us having taken away your god-given right to arm yourselves, too.” Groups across the United States initiated lawsuits to challenge the Specifical Unilateral Firearm Suppression Act (i.e. SpUFS, Pub.L. 98-102, 20 Stat. 228), many of them representing hunters and the makers of weapons. “This poppycock won’t stand the test of time,” said Rufus T. Glanstone III, a lobbyist for the National Rifle Association (NRA), which represents firearm manufacturers.

In a statement, president Trump (who signed the bill into law) initially criticized SpUFS, then seemed to support it, then changed his mind and called it “garbage,” then said it would help “assure law and order,” then said he’d have to talk to his advisors before ultimately making up his mind about the whole thing. For the most part, however, life continued unchanged across America, as only a quarter of citizens own firearms and even fewer understand that the federal government already violated their sacred, inalienable right to free speech 230 years ago.

[This is a work of satire. No part of this work is to be taken as a factual representation of the opinions of the persons quoted or of conditions within the American republic. No persons were interviewed and all quotes are purely fictional. For more information on the rights inherent to all humans - rights which no government can either grant nor rescind - peruse the links provided, see here, or do your own research.]

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 19 Dec 2017

A house demolished
From the inside cannot stand
Then - desolation

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ] ​

backpack sales soar

Following the arrest of failed European-American (i.e. ‘white’) terrorist Michael Christopher Estes, who allegedly planted a homemade bomb at the Asheville Regional Airport in North Carolina on 6 October 2017, outdoor goods manufacturers are reporting that backpacks are flying off the shelves. “We are overjoyed that the bomb was removed before it harmed anybody,” said a spokesperson for REI, whose equipment was used by the alleged domestic terrorist. “Furthermore, we’re moving Traverse 70 packs like hot-cakes.”

Numbers are also up for the sellers of glass jars, fuel oil, nails, duct tape, and polymer spoons. Although it is often quick to condemn acts by brown-skinned individuals, the regime of fake president D.J. Trump has not issued a single comment or tweet regarding the allegedly terroristic acts and intentions of Michael Christopher Estes, whose skin is the color of an unripe peach.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Grigovia urges calm

Following recent bellicose rhetoric coming from DPRK leader Kim Jong Un and US leader Donald J. Trump, the Parliament of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia released an unanimous statement urging calm. “Nuclear war is against the interests of all humanity,” said prime minister Dr. Frederikka Velldoyend, whose Freedom and Prosperity Party holds a slight majority of seats in the bicameral body. “America is the only nation in the world to have used nuclear weapons in anger; we beg for cool heads to now prevail.” (In Grigovia, the Senate is populated by ten persons selected by the governing body of each independent city-state and canton, and the Congress is selected via popular vote. Similar to the Swiss system, the Grigovian Parliament oversees and manages foreign policy, national defense, federal railways, and the mint.)

“War must only be used as a last resort, a strategy employed once all other options have been exhausted,” said national defense minister Hennda Uilyest of the Grigovian Conservative Green Party. “Diplomacy, cooperation, and open markets alone can assure the future prosperity of all mankind.” Shortly after gaining its independence from the Soviet Union, in 1988, Grigovia dismantled all nuclear weapons the Russians had stored on its soil and promptly joined the International Campaign to Abolish Nuclear Weapons (ICANW).

“Tinpot tyrants, be they Korean or Ynki, do not have permission to engage in nuclear war,” said Buiryest Darghennd, a 14-year-old student from Pryaghdoyest. “My grandparents fought against the Nazis in the Second World War; their words are still fresh in my mind: ‘Show not mercy, nor give quarter, to those who threaten innocent people with death and destruction.’”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

controversial statues removed

Amidst a general rising tide of white nationalist terrorism and, specifically, deadly acts committed by a neo Nazi in Charlottesville, VA, various city councils across America have decided to take down a number of controversial statues. Erected during a troubled period in the U.S. history known as Reconstruction, a few dozen bronze or copper statues honoring John Wilkes Booth were taken down in cities from St. Louis, MO, to Tallahassee, FL. “It’s a sad day in this country when someone who brought about such far-reaching change is no longer honored,” said president Trump whilst touring the dilapidated slave’s quarters of one of the South African gold mines he part owns. “Let’s let America’s history stand, not try to altar [sic] it.”

J.W. Booth statues first started appearing in predominantly Southern cities during a time when it was popular to publicly celebrate the traitorous and murderous act of shooting a sitting president in the back of the head. “What he did wasn’t wrong,” said one leader of a white supremacist group who asked not to be named. “Race traitors deserve what they get.”

Controversy is brewing around the continued display of statues honoring other (often quasi-) historical figures of questionable merit, such as Pennsylvania’s Rocky Balboa (a fictional character); New York’s bull, near Wall Street; as well as Illinois’s Popeye and Dick Tracy. “There are enough actual human beings who did positive or beneficial things for this nation, in whose honor we could erect statues,” said via email a spokesperson for Americans for the Reduction of Hatred and Ignorance in Public Life, a think-tank. “I mean, come on. It’s 2017 - time to stop celebrating murderous traitors and fake celebrities.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Ynki emigrants arrive

The first wave of persons fleeing political and societal oppression in America has arrived at Krukov International Airport outside cosmopolitan Grig. Seeking asylum from the heavy-handed and anti-democratic policies being enacted by the administration of D.J. Trump, the former Ynki gladly relinquished their citizenship and took up oaths of freedom and responsibility under as well as loyalty to the Glorious Republic of Grigovia.

With cries of joy in their throats, the new citizens immediately moved into the well-maintained communal housing option of their choice. After a stroll in one of downtown Grig’s many public parks, they enrolled in classes designed to help them understand their latent artistic or creative potential and harness it to make their world a better, brighter, and more beautiful place.

When asked what they missed most about America, the emigrants responded, overwhelmingly, with: “Little.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on weighty measures

The Office of Weights and Measures closed its doors today after many years of exemplary service ensuing equity between buyers and sellers. The federal agency stopped functioning due to budget cuts imposed by the administration of Donald J. Trump, cuts that seemed to specifically target such agencies and offices that act as middlemen between consumers and producers. “What a glorious day it is today, now a few days after my birthday, which was last Tuesday,” said Mr. Trump while signing the paperwork that halted funding for the Office and others like it. “No longer shall draconian Washington insiders dictate to the American how much milk can be in a gallon, or how many inches should be in a yard. Now, the people can decide for themselves what’s right, and true.”

Wholesalers rejoiced at the news and immediately began to rewire or retool their scales so as to maximize their own profits at all cost. Car manufacturers changed the distance of a mile from 5280 to 528,000 feet and began claiming that their cars can go a half a million feet on just a quarter pint of gasoline. A million high-school sophomores simultaneously took to social media to claim they had meter-long penises.

Small-town consumers who don’t own or aren’t willing to haul a set of scales to the grocery or hardware store will likely bear the brunt of the relaxation of weight and measurement regulations. Rumor has it that both the Federal Exchange Commission and the Government Accountability Office are up next on Trump’s chopping block.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥

dark & discreet

To fascist drumbeaters like Trump and Le Pen: we’re not at all surprised to see you again. Not more than a century back in the past was when we encountered and beat you at last but you showed up here in our calm midst again with confidence saying who’s foe and who’s friend. The masses you fool with a message of hate and promises to make brown folks emigrate but once wed with power corrupted you’ll be will drench in blood these shores from sea back to sea. Now fear stokes a fire that only is fed by listening to voices up in the head that champion anger and champion spite corrupting the ego both morning and night. This will not end pretty this will not end well and soon we’ll be swept into a right-wing hell where anyone who dares to strike or speak up will quick taste the heel of a jack-booted thug. With basic rhetoric and too-simple terms these wax-paper leaders the principles spurn upon which their nations long functioned and turned aloof to the lessons that history learns. So up now in unison we can defeat most any opponent or foe we might meet with methods bold brash brazen dark & discreet be it through the wires or out in the street. All antifa red-shirts anarchists and such who value their freedoms and value them much: let’s shake off the shackles of madness and hate and that without dally lest we be too late.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥