on weighty measures

The Office of Weights and Measures closed its doors today after many years of exemplary service ensuing equity between buyers and sellers. The federal agency stopped functioning due to budget cuts imposed by the administration of Donald J. Trump, cuts that seemed to specifically target such agencies and offices that act as middlemen between consumers and producers. “What a glorious day it is today, now a few days after my birthday, which was last Tuesday,” said Mr. Trump while signing the paperwork that halted funding for the Office and others like it. “No longer shall draconian Washington insiders dictate to the American how much milk can be in a gallon, or how many inches should be in a yard. Now, the people can decide for themselves what’s right, and true.”

Wholesalers rejoiced at the news and immediately began to rewire or retool their scales so as to maximize their own profits at all cost. Car manufacturers changed the distance of a mile from 5280 to 528,000 feet and began claiming that their cars can go a half a million feet on just a quarter pint of gasoline. A million high-school sophomores simultaneously took to social media to claim they had meter-long penises.

Small-town consumers who don’t own or aren’t willing to haul a set of scales to the grocery or hardware store will likely bear the brunt of the relaxation of weight and measurement regulations. Rumor has it that both the Federal Exchange Commission and the Government Accountability Office are up next on Trump’s chopping block.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥