second amendment suspended

In response to scores of mass shootings in recent months, the legislative bodies of the United States suspended the inalienable right of people to arm themselves. Taking precedent from the Sedition Acts of 1798 and 1918, which did away with the freedom of speech in America, both houses of Congress passed laws forbidding the possession or use of a firearm by anyone other than active-duty military personnel (while they are on a military base and in uniform).

In response to widespread criticisms, chairperson of the Republican party Ronna McDaniel said in a telephone interview, “Y’all got used to us taking away your natural right to speak freely. You’ll get used to us having taken away your god-given right to arm yourselves, too.” Groups across the United States initiated lawsuits to challenge the Specifical Unilateral Firearm Suppression Act (i.e. SpUFS, Pub.L. 98-102, 20 Stat. 228), many of them representing hunters and the makers of weapons. “This poppycock won’t stand the test of time,” said Rufus T. Glanstone III, a lobbyist for the National Rifle Association (NRA), which represents firearm manufacturers.

In a statement, president Trump (who signed the bill into law) initially criticized SpUFS, then seemed to support it, then changed his mind and called it “garbage,” then said it would help “assure law and order,” then said he’d have to talk to his advisors before ultimately making up his mind about the whole thing. For the most part, however, life continued unchanged across America, as only a quarter of citizens own firearms and even fewer understand that the federal government already violated their sacred, inalienable right to free speech 230 years ago.

[This is a work of satire. No part of this work is to be taken as a factual representation of the opinions of the persons quoted or of conditions within the American republic. No persons were interviewed and all quotes are purely fictional. For more information on the rights inherent to all humans - rights which no government can either grant nor rescind - peruse the links provided, see here, or do your own research.]

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

cop-be-gone

  Have you ever run into a power-maddened, nitpicking, racist, or similarly mentally-challenged police officer? Do you find yourself occasionally pulled over on the side of a deserted highway in the middle of the night staring at an aviator-sunglass-wearing stranger as he bangs on your car's window with a two foot long flashlight? Have you ever left your house and been accosted immediately by a gravel-voiced man who appears to despise you completely, from your hair to your clothes to the way that you walk?

  If you answered YES to any of these questions, grab a pen and paper, and take down this number: 8973302746 extension 5390 sub-chapter 418 desk 0. By calling this short, easy-to-remember string of digits you will summon to your side a pair of Enforcers of Liberty, impartial agents charged with securing for you your constitutionally guaranteed Blessings of Liberty and dedicated to preserving your right to pursue your Happiness any way you see fit so long as you are not infringing upon the Happiness of another person.

  Enforcers of Liberty are trained in the Socratic method, in the pacification of irate police officers, and in at least three different martial arts. These agents defend your freedom, and they will stay by your side until the forces of repression harass you no longer. They are not armed with knives, or guns – their tools are a pure heart, a firm grasp of the English language, an immovability similar to that of a stone wall, and an overwhelming need to preserve individual liberty. So don't delay; call today – we'll keep those pesky cops away.

  Once more: to summon a pair of Enforcers of Liberty to your side, dial 8973302746, select extension 5390, choose sub-chapter 418, ring desk 0, and ask for help.

  場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit