cop-be-gone

  Have you ever run into a power-maddened, nitpicking, racist, or similarly mentally-challenged police officer? Do you find yourself occasionally pulled over on the side of a deserted highway in the middle of the night staring at an aviator-sunglass-wearing stranger as he bangs on your car's window with a two foot long flashlight? Have you ever left your house and been accosted immediately by a gravel-voiced man who appears to despise you completely, from your hair to your clothes to the way that you walk?

  If you answered YES to any of these questions, grab a pen and paper, and take down this number: 8973302746 extension 5390 sub-chapter 418 desk 0. By calling this short, easy-to-remember string of digits you will summon to your side a pair of Enforcers of Liberty, impartial agents charged with securing for you your constitutionally guaranteed Blessings of Liberty and dedicated to preserving your right to pursue your Happiness any way you see fit so long as you are not infringing upon the Happiness of another person.

  Enforcers of Liberty are trained in the Socratic method, in the pacification of irate police officers, and in at least three different martial arts. These agents defend your freedom, and they will stay by your side until the forces of repression harass you no longer. They are not armed with knives, or guns – their tools are a pure heart, a firm grasp of the English language, an immovability similar to that of a stone wall, and an overwhelming need to preserve individual liberty. So don't delay; call today – we'll keep those pesky cops away.

  Once more: to summon a pair of Enforcers of Liberty to your side, dial 8973302746, select extension 5390, choose sub-chapter 418, ring desk 0, and ask for help.

  場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

any tongue

America has no official tongue, no official language, and therefore any tongue is America's tongue.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on francophobia

  A scourge has been spreading throughout these United States – the love of things French! Also known as francophilia, this adoption of French customs has infiltrated our cafeterias as french-fries and as Pasteurization; it has crept into our language as adopted words, among them respondez s'il vous plait (RSVP), a-la-carte, reason, arrest, and blonde. For the love of the flesh yet clinging to my bones, our President Alexander Hamilton even spoke this foul language while he held office.

  In order to purify our society of the remnants of this most dangerous of influences, we must do more than change our french fries to freedom fries – we must excise from the annals of history the names of Hamilton and of any other American, living or dead, who at any point was even suspected of being able to speak the tongue of those cowardly frog-eating bastards. Anything less would fall short of our stated goals, among which we count the cleansing of foreign contamination from our society. Only through vigilance might we prevail.

Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp