on VT day

War-weary peoples of the world, rejoice, for today we celebrate Victory over Terror. The federal government of the United States of America continues to wage war on terror, which at best is nothing more than a state of mind; we their erstwhile accomplices in this war of choice, however, have had enough. “No more,” we say, and, “This aggression will stand no longer.“ America's role is not to play world policeman but to protect the territory it currently holds and bring about the Safety and Happiness of the people living within its borders.

For too long have the docile populations of the West stood by as their governments killed innocent civilians, among them children and violated international law; now is the time for action, even if it is merely symbolic. When the Allies defeated the Japanese Empire (by annihilating the cities of Hiroshima and Nagasaki with blinding nuclear hellfire), jubilant masses across the globe celebrated VJ Day, the Day of Victory over the Japanese. Terror, however, lives nowhere but in the mind, which is only a hard target if it hasn't been softened up first by willful and continuous consumption of junk television and processed foods. No nukes are needed if the people sacrifice their hearts and souls to the foul twin gods of avarice and convenience; slaves have already conceded defeat.

“But Mr. liesmith,” some persons are bound to say, “the president and every other worthless motherfucker on television keeps talking about the growing terrorist threat, and how drone strikes and extraordinary renditioning are necessary to safeguard the American people. What do you say to that?” To this I say: Throw your television out the window, burn your morning paper, and start getting your news from non-American sources such as Russia Today and al Jazeera, because fearmongery only works on people who hear and see it; we who consciously limit our expose to mainstream U.S. propaganda fear nothing – not fictional Islamic bogeymen, avoidable financial sequestration, or militarized police forces. To quote from the First Peoples leader Tecumseh: “When it comes your time to die, be not like those whose hearts are filled with fear of death, so that when their time comes they weep and pray for a little more time to live their lives over again in a different way. Sing your death song and die like a hero going home.” On the first Thursday of each month, celebrate VT day by clearing the mind of worry and toasting with other good people to peace, prosperity, and friendship. Break out the champagne bottle and motherfucking condoms, oh liberated minds of Earth, because in a world free of the specter of terror, everyone gets laid.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

Grigovia boycotts Olympics

This year, in London, the long jump will be a little less joyous, and the newest sport – bouldering – will be a little more bleak. As usual, America will win the most medals overall, with Russia and China taking second and third, or vice-versa. But, this time around, there will be no fights at the horse track and no shoving amongst the women's cross-country runners, no hostels set on fire and no main subway lines shut down due to rioting on the tracks. Yes, dear friends, the 2012 Olympics, being held in Great Britain's capital, are progressing in predictably subdued fashion, with just enough controversy to hold the fickle interest of the general public and just enough flash to keep the masses from asking why their governments are spending billions on shot-put and synchronized swimming when millions of people are poor, tired, hungry, and out of work. Regular spectators of the Games have already begun to lament the omission of one shining star from the usual roster of nations – the Glorious Republic of Grigovia (GROG). A country that in the past has made strong showings in militaristic events such as track-and-field, target-shooting, archery, long-distance running, judo, karate, and break-dancing, Grigovia announced it would boycott this year's celebration of peaceful competition through sport due to the participation of the United States of America, a country which invaded the sovereign nation of Afghanistan a decade ago and which continues to occupy that mountainous, arid, and landlocked Central Asian nation.

Said Baiyal Yennd, spokesperson for the Grigovian Ministry for Athletics and Sport, Interior (MASI), in an official press release at the start of the Games, “Beyond the fact that we as nations are both mountainous, arid, and landlocked, we Grigovians condemn any fascist state that perpetrates illegal and inhumane acts of war-like aggression against sovereign peoples – especially against peoples such as the Afghanis, who live nearby. Grigovia has rich deposits of rare-earth-metals, which Western companies found in Afghanistan last year and which they have already begun to exploit. Are the Yankees coming for us next? Will they bomb us next, and maim our children next, and kill our women next, in the name of their rapacious and capitalistic world-order? Until we know that America plans to abide by resolutions passed by the United Nations and by laws passed by its own government, and that it has removed itself from any sovereign nations where it has no business being, only then will the citizens of Grigovia even consider engaging the various peoples of the world in fair and honest athletic competition.”

When the USA invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in the years following the September 11, 2001 attacks, it violated international agreements signed in the wake of victory over the Nazi Third Reich and its ally, the Japanese Empire, which had invaded sovereign nations illegally, subjugating their populations and forcing them to dance to a tune not of their choosing. By following in the footsteps of Hitler and Hirohito and committing illegal acts of aggression (which are crimes against humanity), the president of the American Union at the time, a Mr. George Walker Bush, along with complicit Houses of Congress and Senate, mislead fair Lady Liberty by spreading among peaceful peoples not goodwill and freedom but avarice and death. “We have no interest in talking to or dealing with or buying things from greedy cowards,” said Uliyana Utlennd, head of GROG's Ministry for Athletics and Sport. “Just as we boycott murderous Soviets back in 1980, and I had to wait until '84 Games to win gold in both biathlon and women's cycling, now we boycott murderous Americans in 2012. A pox be upon the enemies of freedom, democracy, and free speech.” Grigovia has made just one bid to host the Olympic Games, in 1922, backing out only after the economic crisis known as the Great Depression – which was brought about by American and European avarice that persists to this day – ruined not only the country's nascent national athletics program but also a perfectly good pair of khakis.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

DOD now DOWOA

While preparations for the impeding military action against the Islamic Republic of Iran reach a fever pitch, spokespersons for what was formerly known as the Department of Defense (DOD) of the United States of America have traveled to nations across the globe to spread news of their employer's nominal re-branding. Now called the Department of Wars of Aggression, the government agency formerly known as the DOD decided to change its name to reflect America's new role in the world, that being no longer a nation that defends its own borders or those of its friends but one that frequently violates its own laws and the laws of various international charters by initiating military action against sovereign foreign nations.

“Ever since its police action in Viet-Nam, the American military has been continuously involved in hot conflicts in places such as Nicaragua, Iraq, and Afghanistan,” said Geraldine Fuchs-Kleimman, a former Navy pilot in her early 30s who spoke to us from Nigeria via satellite-phone. “Since our illegal invasion of Iraq in 2002 and the subsequent illegal invasion of Afghanistan not long thereafter, my fellow peons and I have been hearing rumors that this name-change would occur; we're just happy that the Secretary of (previously Defense, but, now) Aggression (SecAgg) finally got his shit together and filled out all that paperwork​.” A nation once hailed as the savior of mankind for defeating the Nazi plaque threatening to grind all of Europe under its murderous jack-boot, America has plummeted recently in the estimation of her fellow nation-states. Having succumbed to the demands of a massive military-industrial complex and allowed nearly her entire society to be controlled by the narrow-minded policies of avaricious, for-profit corporations, however, once-fair Columbia has so drastically changed her tune that she barely resembles the nation she was just a few, short decades ago.

“I remember when we Americans minded our own business and let other peoples figure things out for themselves, enticing them perhaps with our goods and trying to get a toe-hold in their markets, but not actually killing them and stealing their oil,” said 75-year-old farmer Henry James Wainschott Jr., proud tiller of soil, from atop a museum-worthy John Deere tractor. “I was reading somewhere that nearly $400 billion dollars of the current military budget is used to pay private military contractors. These contractors are the self-same motherfuckers charging two hundred dollars for a single sheet of dry-wall and lobbying like lunatics to keep the wars going, bankrupting the American Dream for nine-tenths of Americans with their abject, damnable greed.”

“Truth is, we're running out of foreign nation-states upon whom to wage these wars of aggression,” said 47-year-old Maryland resident and senior analyst Vishay Utilanad, who works indirectly for the Secretary of Aggression. “Once we give Iran a good drubbing, North Korea will be the last thing standing in the way of us dealing death, destruction, woe, and torment against the American population itself, and, believe me, we've had a lot of practice subjugating unruly populations in the last decade. So dust off your slave-shoes, folks, pucker up those suck-holes, and prepare to have all of your remaining constitutional protections revoked, because, like fucking idiots, you gave up the last of your rights a long, long time ago.”

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit

rape-horn found

Having found a rape-horn discarded seemingly without a second thought in an alley behind the Denny's out on route 44 – the one right next to that preschool where those kids are always playing – Henri Simpcoe-Jones IV, a professional saxophonist and amateur rape-horn enthusiast, mused aloud, saying, “The Vikings used to play a horn just like this one to signal to persons living in coastal communities, or in communities located near major rivers, that they were about to receive the raping of a lifetime.” Turning the device over in his hands with gingerly care and abject devotion, the East St. Louis native pointed out the fine inlay of authentic whalebone-ivory, shimmering mother of pearl, and illegally-farmed mahogany hardwoods. “Do you see these little holes right here?” he said, pointing to slight, gold-rimmed indentations in the nearly half-meter-long instrument. “Into these holes go the fingers; then the rape-horn naturally raises to the lips; whereupon, provided one has drawn a few good lung-fulls of this fine prairie air, it is sounded with a piercing and awesome note, thus signaling to all within earshot that rape is in the air.” Upon blowing into the rape-horn with all his might, Mr. Simpcoe-Jones scared half-to-death a woman a few blocks over who was in her garden watering her daffodils, and caused one closeted homosexual father of three all the way on the other side of town to measure his most significant erection in years.

場黑麥 menterefecterem fecit

on illegal hair-cutting

30JUN2011
Westminster, MD

  Timothy Blastac, an unemployed auto-mechanic from this bucolic town near the Mason-Dixon line, was taken into custody today by the federal government for violating interstate commerce laws. Blastac, who since losing his job has been seen cutting his own hair, declined to comment for this story. Agent Brown, the lead FBI investigator on the case, said at the scene, "Mr. Blastac was witnessed cutting his own hair in his back yard using a hand-held mirror and a pair of cheap clippers. Since his actions violate the potential for a discount hairdresser in Pennsylvania, which lies but a few miles away, to perform these grooming services for him, we apprehended him on suspicion of violating interstate markets. Pending further investigation."

  Dalton Lambert, Mr. Blastac's neighbor, said, "I saw Tim out back trimming his mullet, and I joked about it to some of the guys down at the shop... someone must have contacted the authorities." Under the interstate commerce clause found in the Constitution, the federal government routinely punishes individuals for growing marijuana that those individuals could potentially transport across state lines, thus potentially affecting potential markets in other states, even if those markets are neither legitimized nor regulated under legislation of any type.

  Mr. Blastac, by allegedly performing grooming services on himself that could have been performed by an individual in a neighboring state, allegedly compromised the potential for an individual in a market in another state to potentially profit from potentially performing these services. "We will not tolerate violations to potential markets," chief inspector Ryan Henneman, of the ATF, said. "Just as growing vegetables in your own garden violates the potential profits to be made by for-profit vegetable growers in other states, we cannot allow individuals to perform services on themselves that could potentially be performed by individuals in other potential markets, in other states."

  The federal government has issued blanket warnings to individuals who mow their own lawns, raise livestock such as chickens or rabbits for their own consumption, or maintain and service their own vehicles, as well as any activities that smack of self-sufficiency or self-reliance, saying that individuals performing these tasks, which all violate potential markets in potentially different states, will be brought to justice.

  "We have for too long allowed these violations of potential commerce among the states to go on unpunished," Agent Brown said. "Soon the general public will understand that the potential rights of potential markets to make potential profits far exceeds the fourteenth (XIV) or the fifth (V) Amendment right of the individual to his or her liberty, or to decide for his or herself when and how to cut his or her own hair or what it is he or she should grow, smoke, or consume, on his or her private property." The ACLU declined to comment for this story.

  by James J. Jameson, reporting for Bronco 8 news

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agencies or other groups are intended to be taken as factual statements.)

  Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

on our current dictatorship

  Michelle Bachmann, on Monday 05 September 2011 (see here), warned that the federal government would become “a dictator over our lives” if it were to make the purchasing of health insurance conditional to citizenship. In support of the point she is trying to make, and to illuminate the majestic, abiding truth behind her words, let us review some of the other conditions that state and federal governments have forced upon the American people, conditions that violate our liberty and that Design to reduce us under absolute Despotism:
  The motor vehicle operators of this nation are being forced to insure themselves and their conveyances;
  The parents of this nation are being forced to educate their children;
  The users of this nation are being forced to choose between alcohol, tobacco, and caffeine, all other drugs having been declared illegal;
  The heterosexual couples of this nation are being exposed to the threat of prosecution if found living together while not married (in Florida);
  The homosexual couples of this nation are being restricted in their right to marry;
  The women of this nation are being besieged by forces seeking to restrict their right to terminate unwanted pregnancies;
  The property-owners of this nation are being forced to pay school taxes, even if they are childless;
  The sick patients of this nation are being forced to suffer needlessly, the cures and remedies potential to stem-cell research unexplored and otherwise retarded by the staunch efforts of moralistic and religious extremists;
  The non-believers of this nation are being forced to abide by the tenets of a religion not of their choosing (Pennsylvania's blue laws, laws defining marriage according to the Christian bible), and they have little choice but to handle currency which bears the religious statement, “In God We Trust;”
  The workers of this nation are being forced to live in poverty, their jobs having been sold to the lowest foreign bidder by native corporations seeking to maximize dividends at any cost;
  The peace-loving people of this nation have been forced to accept torture as a means essential to the common defense of their homeland;
  The gullible inhabitants of this nation have been forced to live in constant fear of the specter of terrorism, their fists balling at the mere mention of Islam, their anxiety fueled by the vague warnings and hysterical rhetoric emanating from TV personalities and politicians alike;
  The minority populations of this nation have been forced to live as second-class citizens, their communities neglected, their schools under-funded, their young people incarcerated disproportionately, and their adults abandoned to the ravages of disease and addiction;
  The tranquil people of this nation are being forced to defend constantly the sanctity of their persons and other such property from unscrupulous local police officers, who, in blatant disregard of any pledge they might have made to defend and uphold the Constitution, too often resort to tricking the
people into relinquishing the protections granted them in the Bill of Rights;
  The millions of registered voters of this nation are being forced to select from candidates of but two political parties, political parties that because of their size, complexity, and ossification cannot possibly endeavor to represent the myriad opinions of a people as diverse as our own;
  The once-proud citizens of this nation have been forced to give up their inalienable rights, their elected officials passing legislation (Patriot Act) to this effect soon after 11 September 2001, legislation that has left the citizenry exposed to willful and unwarranted intrusions into its private affairs.

  Americans do not fear the threat of dictatorship: we have already engaged the existing dictatorship. I call on Michelle Bachmann to expand her efforts, and to join in the struggle to right the wrongs listed above, if not to satisfy her base, then to prove to the rest of the voters that she is prepared to battle oppression regardless of form or frequency.
  It matters little our color, conviction, or creed – we must never forget that our republic is a fragile and fleeting affair, an unusual configuration too easily corrupted by those with much to gain, too readily abandoned by those with nothing to lose. Only through vigilant and persistent action can we rekindle the Torch of Progress, and regain for ourselves and our Posterity those Blessings of Liberty that for generations have been denied us.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

Violations In Grooming

30JUN2011
Westminster, MD
  Timothy Blastac, an unemployed auto-mechanic from this bucolic town near the Mason-Dixon line, was taken into custody today by the federal government on charges of violating interstate commerce laws. Blastac, who since losing his job has been seen cutting his own hair, declined to comment for this story. Agent Brown, the lead FBI investigator on the case, said at the scene, "Mr. Blastac was witnessed cutting his own hair in his back yard using a hand-held mirror and a pair of cheap clippers. As his actions violate the potential for a discount hairdresser in Pennsylvania, which lies but a few miles away, to perform these grooming services for him, we apprehended him on suspicion of violating interstate markets. Pending further investigation."
  Dalton Lambert, Mr. Blastac's neighbor, said, "I saw Tim out back trimming his mullet, and I joked about it to some of the guys down at the shop. Someone must have contacted the authorities." Under the interstate commerce clause found in the Constitution, the federal government routinely punishes individuals for growing marijuana that those individuals could potentially transport across state lines, thus potentially affecting potential markets in other states, even if those markets are neither legitimized nor regulated under legislation of any type. Mr. Blastac, by allegedly performing grooming services on himself that could have been performed by an individual in a neighboring state, allegedly compromised the potential for an individual in a market in another state to potentially profit from potentially performing these services. "We will not tolerate violations to potential markets," chief inspector Ryan Henneman, of the ATF, said. "Just as growing vegetables in your own garden violates the potential profits to be made by vegetable growers in other states, we cannot allow individuals to perform services on themselves that could potentially be performed by individuals in other potential markets, in other states."
  The federal government has issued blanket warnings to individuals who mow their own lawns, raise livestock such as chickens or rabbits, or maintain and service their own vehicles, as well as any activities that smack of self-sufficiency or self-reliance, saying that individuals performing these tasks, which all stand to violate potential markets in potentially different states, will be brought to justice. "We have for too long allowed these violations of potential commerce among the states to go on unpunished," Agent Brown said. "Soon the general public will understand that the potential rights of potential markets to make potential profits far exceedes the fourteenth Amendment right of the individual to his or her liberty, or to decide for his or herself when and how to cut his or her own hair or what it is he or she should grow or consume on his or her private property." The ACLU declined to comment for this story.

James J. Jameson, reporting for Bronco 8 news

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agencies or other groups are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke.)