Violations In Grooming

30JUN2011
Westminster, MD
  Timothy Blastac, an unemployed auto-mechanic from this bucolic town near the Mason-Dixon line, was taken into custody today by the federal government on charges of violating interstate commerce laws. Blastac, who since losing his job has been seen cutting his own hair, declined to comment for this story. Agent Brown, the lead FBI investigator on the case, said at the scene, "Mr. Blastac was witnessed cutting his own hair in his back yard using a hand-held mirror and a pair of cheap clippers. As his actions violate the potential for a discount hairdresser in Pennsylvania, which lies but a few miles away, to perform these grooming services for him, we apprehended him on suspicion of violating interstate markets. Pending further investigation."
  Dalton Lambert, Mr. Blastac's neighbor, said, "I saw Tim out back trimming his mullet, and I joked about it to some of the guys down at the shop. Someone must have contacted the authorities." Under the interstate commerce clause found in the Constitution, the federal government routinely punishes individuals for growing marijuana that those individuals could potentially transport across state lines, thus potentially affecting potential markets in other states, even if those markets are neither legitimized nor regulated under legislation of any type. Mr. Blastac, by allegedly performing grooming services on himself that could have been performed by an individual in a neighboring state, allegedly compromised the potential for an individual in a market in another state to potentially profit from potentially performing these services. "We will not tolerate violations to potential markets," chief inspector Ryan Henneman, of the ATF, said. "Just as growing vegetables in your own garden violates the potential profits to be made by vegetable growers in other states, we cannot allow individuals to perform services on themselves that could potentially be performed by individuals in other potential markets, in other states."
  The federal government has issued blanket warnings to individuals who mow their own lawns, raise livestock such as chickens or rabbits, or maintain and service their own vehicles, as well as any activities that smack of self-sufficiency or self-reliance, saying that individuals performing these tasks, which all stand to violate potential markets in potentially different states, will be brought to justice. "We have for too long allowed these violations of potential commerce among the states to go on unpunished," Agent Brown said. "Soon the general public will understand that the potential rights of potential markets to make potential profits far exceedes the fourteenth Amendment right of the individual to his or her liberty, or to decide for his or herself when and how to cut his or her own hair or what it is he or she should grow or consume on his or her private property." The ACLU declined to comment for this story.

James J. Jameson, reporting for Bronco 8 news

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agencies or other groups are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke.)

war on drugs - caffeine

The Momentary Courier of Newsiness
08MAY2011

Des Moines.
  In their ongoing efforts to eradicate the distribution of deadly drugs throughout America, federal agents today raided the Sippy House, a coffee shop in a quiet neighborhood of Des Moines. After receiving a tip from an unnamed source concerned that children were being served drugs at the Sippy House, members of the ATF moved in just after the establishment opened at 8:30 am.
  "I was walking by on my way to get a bagel," said longtime Des Moines resident Enrique Sanchez, 39, "when I saw armed men clad in black and carrying automatic weapons kicking down the back door to the Sippy House." Agents confirm they have secured large amounts of caffeine in various forms, including finely and coarsely ground coffees, and teas neatly packed in small pouches that, agents said, facilitate the quick and efficient delivery and distribution of this drug. "We have seized all manner of this dangerous substance, including coffee beans coated in chocolate, and chocolate bars laced with caffeine," said Sergeant Allen T. Samuelson III, the commander of the raid, in an interview at the scene. "Caffeine is a drug," Samuelson continued, "and we need to make sure the American people cannot access this or any other drug."
  Georgette Bristol-Schmidt, age 11, was waiting to be taken into state custody after her mother, Henrietta, was charged with child endangerment and corruption of a minor for buying a small iced latte that she then handed to her preteen daughter. "I was tired this morning," Georgette said, "so Mommy bought me a coffee. I'm not tired now, and the nice police lady said I'm going to a nice place with nice people."
  Similar raids are taking place across the country. The Bureau of Tobacco and Firearms, which is conducting these raids in conjuncture with the Centers for Disease Control and the Drug Enforcement Agency, said in an online statement, "No longer will Americans be exposed to drugs or stimulants of any kind. We are shutting down all caffeine distribution centers, all alcohol distribution centers, all nicotine distribution centers, any and all establishments that make drugs of any form available to the addict. We're just getting warmed up - you ain't seen nothing yet."
  The Committee for the Defense of Liberty in America, which according to its website was established, "To guarantee that all Americans, in accordance with the Declaration of Independence, can now and forever more Pursue their Happiness as they see best fit, so long as they are not restricting others from pursuing their Happiness in any way, shape, or form," did not officially respond to the widespread actions of the aforementioned federal agencies.
  "I didn't realize caffeine was a drug," Sanchez said. "I guess it's good that our government is protecting us from any and all substances that might cause us harm, or elevate our minds. I, for one, welcome the police state."

James J. Jameson is a reporter for The Momentary Courier of Newsiness

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)