child sues president

Upon reading the Constitution to the United States of America for the first time in her second-period civics class, 11 year old doll enthusiast and life-long Illinois resident Georgette Jeane Yarbroshnikov filed suit against president Barack Hussein Obama. Citing in her case the commander in chief's wanton disregard for the role clearly spelled out for him in the Constitution, our nation's second-most important document after the Declaration of Independence, Ms. Yarbroshnikov also referenced Common Law, the law of the forest, and the law of the preservation of energy to dismiss the president's more heavy-handed actions, among them the signing of the National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 and his continuing insistence on killing Americans and foreign citizens alike via drone-strike.

“There is an old saying that goes something like this,” Georgette said during a press conference held in her older brother's ramshackle tree-fort out by Mr. Eth's pond. “Before I forget, though, please don't tell my brother we were in here, because he'd get pissed at me and torch my doll's clothes again. Anyway, the saying is: 'It is so obvious even a kid could see it,' or similar. What it means is that our sitting president's actions constitute continuing, glaring, and brazen assaults on the fabric of this nation's democracy; his persecution of non-violent marijuana users alone is a crude erosion of the Constitution's very preamble, in which it states that the role of government is to secure for us all – commonly and individually – the Blessings of Liberty. Do no-knock raids and the levying of prison sentences and fines against peaceful drug consumers sound like the Blessings of Liberty to you? No, not to me, either. In fact, they sound like full-blown tyranny.”

To the surprise of prominent law professors, activist judges, and officials at the falsely-named Department of Justice, Ms. Yarbroshnikov's suit has proceeded past the lower court of Illinois, its progression to the Supreme Court all but assured. “Not only are the young lady's arguments slick, concise, and well-written, she makes a compelling case against many of Mr. Obama's actions as president,” said Dr. Theobald D. Kluff, former dean of the Southern Poverty Law Center. “It is not for a lack of trying that we have not been able to check and balance the various branches of government according to the Constitution. Believe me, we have been concerned with presidential power-grabbing since Mr. George W. Bush started going overboard in the aftermath of the 11 September 2001 attacks on New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania, but we have not been willing to spell things out so clearly. My hat goes off to this young lady.” Although Georgette's lawsuit does not specify punishment beyond a harsh, public scolding and increased scrutiny of the president's future behavior, rulings from previous cases – among them Winnifeld v. Stone and Hsu v. Gonzales – show that such cases can have teeth, and are nothing to be scoffed at.

mentiri factorem fecit © 場黑麥

terrorism? not in America

  Over the past decade, the military forces of the United States of America have persecuted a series of wars started by President George Bush and Dick Cheney. These politicians and their ilk sold the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan to the people of America on the notion that this country would be attacked by waves of by crazed, turban-wearing foreigners with bombs strapped to their chests who had infiltrated American society so fully as to be able to strike any target anywhere, anytime. Convinced of the risk and cowed into submission by a fear-mongering and alarmist news media, the citizenry stood idly by as its president entered the Stronghold of Liberty into a two front war.

  (As the orphaned son of an officer of the United States Navy, and as one who has had the honor of being befriended by United States Marines, I respect unequivocally any person who has served in America's armed forces, or in the armed forces of any other nation founded upon principles similar to our own.)

  So much war and so much blood spilled, good thick blood oozing from Columbia's valiant sons and daughters, precious fluid escaping the bodies of good honest people from Indiana or California or New York who fly to foreign lands and give their lives in answer to their president's call. And as our troopers fight with honor in the air and on the land and upon/below the seas, has our nation faced this dreaded wave of suicidal attacks? It has not. Has our civilian infrastructure been compromised extensively, and have (innocent) bystanders been slaughtered by the thousands in lightning daytime raids against our airport or ground-vehicle terminals? They have not. And since they have not, we ask ourselves if it is time for the federal government to stop expend the lives and the resources of the American people on killing foreign religious terrorists, and that it should instead form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.

  場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

  p.s. devices for societal control such as the Controlled Substances Act, as well as SOPA and PIPA, destroy the Blessings of Liberty – they have no place in America's enlightened and modern society; they are formidable to tyrants only

Piracy Raid in Idaho

  Officers of the Warren City police department (WCPD), a suburb outside Boise, today raided the house of a suspected piracy offender. The primary objects seized in the dawn operation were a significant number of pirated DVDs. A subsequent search of the premise turned up discarded NetFlix envelopes and stacks of blank DVDs that investigators consider evidence of premeditation. "Anyone who has watched a film at home has seen the FBI warning at the beginning of that movie," said Douglas Meyer, head of the FBI's Anti-Piracy Mobile Strike Force. "If we can prove that this copy of Little House on the Prairie is pirated, we will punish this perpetrator to the fullest extent of the law." The Warren City man who was taken into custody immediately following the raid could face three years in jail and a $250,000 fine for each item of pirated intellectual property.
  "I don't give a shit about the weed we found," Detective Rune Randolfe, WCPD, said before doughnuting out of the parking lot in response to a phoned-in tip, "we got his stash of burned VHS tapes, too. This guy is headed Rapeside."
  The residents of this sleepy community were shocked by the appearance of so many heavily-armed officers within their midst. "I heard shouting, then what sounded like a door splintering," Tara Hogarth, 38, who lives immediately adjacent to the scene of the crime, said. "Mr... our neighbor was always nice to me, and to my kids. He would have people over sometimes, and we could see a large TV flickering through the blinds in his living room, but to think he was committing piracy, right here, in Warren City? Wow."
  Investigators are fanning out across the United States to track down and punish the millions of Americans suspected of piracy. "The numbers are staggering," agent Meyer said. "We think that over half of the adult population in this country is guilty of at least one act of piracy. Good thing my wife got into corrections."
  Citizens are urged to report instances of piracy, even piracy without monetary gain performed in the privacy of the home, to the appropriate federal authorities. "We have been spending billions on a war against drugs that has had no discernible affect," a state official speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "now it's time to really bleed our coffers dry going after these pirates. They ain't safe nowhere."

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)

war on drugs - caffeine

The Momentary Courier of Newsiness
08MAY2011

Des Moines.
  In their ongoing efforts to eradicate the distribution of deadly drugs throughout America, federal agents today raided the Sippy House, a coffee shop in a quiet neighborhood of Des Moines. After receiving a tip from an unnamed source concerned that children were being served drugs at the Sippy House, members of the ATF moved in just after the establishment opened at 8:30 am.
  "I was walking by on my way to get a bagel," said longtime Des Moines resident Enrique Sanchez, 39, "when I saw armed men clad in black and carrying automatic weapons kicking down the back door to the Sippy House." Agents confirm they have secured large amounts of caffeine in various forms, including finely and coarsely ground coffees, and teas neatly packed in small pouches that, agents said, facilitate the quick and efficient delivery and distribution of this drug. "We have seized all manner of this dangerous substance, including coffee beans coated in chocolate, and chocolate bars laced with caffeine," said Sergeant Allen T. Samuelson III, the commander of the raid, in an interview at the scene. "Caffeine is a drug," Samuelson continued, "and we need to make sure the American people cannot access this or any other drug."
  Georgette Bristol-Schmidt, age 11, was waiting to be taken into state custody after her mother, Henrietta, was charged with child endangerment and corruption of a minor for buying a small iced latte that she then handed to her preteen daughter. "I was tired this morning," Georgette said, "so Mommy bought me a coffee. I'm not tired now, and the nice police lady said I'm going to a nice place with nice people."
  Similar raids are taking place across the country. The Bureau of Tobacco and Firearms, which is conducting these raids in conjuncture with the Centers for Disease Control and the Drug Enforcement Agency, said in an online statement, "No longer will Americans be exposed to drugs or stimulants of any kind. We are shutting down all caffeine distribution centers, all alcohol distribution centers, all nicotine distribution centers, any and all establishments that make drugs of any form available to the addict. We're just getting warmed up - you ain't seen nothing yet."
  The Committee for the Defense of Liberty in America, which according to its website was established, "To guarantee that all Americans, in accordance with the Declaration of Independence, can now and forever more Pursue their Happiness as they see best fit, so long as they are not restricting others from pursuing their Happiness in any way, shape, or form," did not officially respond to the widespread actions of the aforementioned federal agencies.
  "I didn't realize caffeine was a drug," Sanchez said. "I guess it's good that our government is protecting us from any and all substances that might cause us harm, or elevate our minds. I, for one, welcome the police state."

James J. Jameson is a reporter for The Momentary Courier of Newsiness

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)