Grigovia files suit

At the International criminal court in Den Haag today the Glorious Republic of Grigovia filed suit against both the United States of America (USA) and Israel, alleging that these nations willfully and indiscriminately used chemical weapons against civilians. Basing its lawsuit on sound and verified data (see also here, here, and here) proving that America's Armed Forces used chemical agents in 2004 during its illegal occupation of Iraq, and on proof that in 2009 Israel saturated civilian targets in Gaza with white phosphorus, Grigovia seeks to strengthen the world-wide ban on the use of chemical weapons. Furthermore, the framers of the legal action aim to secure reparations and damages for the tens of thousands of victims of the chemical weapons used by the USA and Israel, mutated and mutilated individuals who suffer the day-to-day effects of this criminal behavior. “The time has come for the silent to be heard, for war criminals to come to justice,” said Grigovian foreign minister Dr. Eiyast Hyuyend. “These crimes would have likely have gone unpunished if America in its insantiy had not just a few weeks ago given the use of chemical weapons as its primary reason for wanting to invade the sovereign nation of Syria. War crimes are not subject to statues of limitation; the architects of the destruction and enslavement of the Iraqi people shall pay for what they have done.” Primary defendants in the case are former U.S. president George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld. Grigovia is one of but a few nations proud and courageous enough to repeatedly stand up to American and British tyranny. Given the ongoing and blatant disregard for Justice, humanity, and the opinions of mankind displayed by the USA, few people expect America to suddenly start acting honorably.

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child sues president

Upon reading the Constitution to the United States of America for the first time in her second-period civics class, 11 year old doll enthusiast and life-long Illinois resident Georgette Jeane Yarbroshnikov filed suit against president Barack Hussein Obama. Citing in her case the commander in chief's wanton disregard for the role clearly spelled out for him in the Constitution, our nation's second-most important document after the Declaration of Independence, Ms. Yarbroshnikov also referenced Common Law, the law of the forest, and the law of the preservation of energy to dismiss the president's more heavy-handed actions, among them the signing of the National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 and his continuing insistence on killing Americans and foreign citizens alike via drone-strike.

“There is an old saying that goes something like this,” Georgette said during a press conference held in her older brother's ramshackle tree-fort out by Mr. Eth's pond. “Before I forget, though, please don't tell my brother we were in here, because he'd get pissed at me and torch my doll's clothes again. Anyway, the saying is: 'It is so obvious even a kid could see it,' or similar. What it means is that our sitting president's actions constitute continuing, glaring, and brazen assaults on the fabric of this nation's democracy; his persecution of non-violent marijuana users alone is a crude erosion of the Constitution's very preamble, in which it states that the role of government is to secure for us all – commonly and individually – the Blessings of Liberty. Do no-knock raids and the levying of prison sentences and fines against peaceful drug consumers sound like the Blessings of Liberty to you? No, not to me, either. In fact, they sound like full-blown tyranny.”

To the surprise of prominent law professors, activist judges, and officials at the falsely-named Department of Justice, Ms. Yarbroshnikov's suit has proceeded past the lower court of Illinois, its progression to the Supreme Court all but assured. “Not only are the young lady's arguments slick, concise, and well-written, she makes a compelling case against many of Mr. Obama's actions as president,” said Dr. Theobald D. Kluff, former dean of the Southern Poverty Law Center. “It is not for a lack of trying that we have not been able to check and balance the various branches of government according to the Constitution. Believe me, we have been concerned with presidential power-grabbing since Mr. George W. Bush started going overboard in the aftermath of the 11 September 2001 attacks on New York, Washington D.C., and Pennsylvania, but we have not been willing to spell things out so clearly. My hat goes off to this young lady.” Although Georgette's lawsuit does not specify punishment beyond a harsh, public scolding and increased scrutiny of the president's future behavior, rulings from previous cases – among them Winnifeld v. Stone and Hsu v. Gonzales – show that such cases can have teeth, and are nothing to be scoffed at.

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