haiku 19 Apr 2018

Using modern tools 
Unruly kids can be turned 
Into fine humans 

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 4 Feb 2018

This land is fine, rich
Eggs, fish, vines, and wheat abound
Skraelings come - to trade?

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

right to pass revoked in LA

Following approval from the city council issued at its emergency sitting late last night, property owners across Los Angeles revoked unilaterally the rights of pedestrians to use private property, including privately owned sidewalks. This move has been expected for months, since LA's city council long ago abandoned her pedestrian population, preferring rather to kowtow to rich property owners who because of their great wealth can have laws written in their favor by bribing and influencing elected leaders.

Attention pedestrians of southern California: you may not use a privately owned sidewalk unless you have on your person written permission from the property owner! Instead, use the street, the roadway, or any publicly owned sidewalk (which are stamped with City Of Los Angeles, whereas private sidewalks are embedded with polished bronze medallions that warn walkers to turn back). The Los Angeles Police Department is issuing tickets upwards of $1000 to any individual caught using or otherwise trespassing on a privately owned sidewalk.

“Anyone not driving a car by now is just not worth our time, nor are they worth any effort,” LA councilman Hinnrich Rheingoldt was overheard saying just after the sitting ended. “We just don't have time to protect economically insignificant, litigation-shy, foot-mobile fuckheads who aren't buying us flights to Mammoth, or who haven't contributed to any of our political action committees.”

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

p.s. cars have right-of-way in the street, so stay on your toes unless you want to get sucked into the slipstream of a passing semi-truck and tossed around like a rag-doll

Piracy Raid in Idaho

  Officers of the Warren City police department (WCPD), a suburb outside Boise, today raided the house of a suspected piracy offender. The primary objects seized in the dawn operation were a significant number of pirated DVDs. A subsequent search of the premise turned up discarded NetFlix envelopes and stacks of blank DVDs that investigators consider evidence of premeditation. "Anyone who has watched a film at home has seen the FBI warning at the beginning of that movie," said Douglas Meyer, head of the FBI's Anti-Piracy Mobile Strike Force. "If we can prove that this copy of Little House on the Prairie is pirated, we will punish this perpetrator to the fullest extent of the law." The Warren City man who was taken into custody immediately following the raid could face three years in jail and a $250,000 fine for each item of pirated intellectual property.
  "I don't give a shit about the weed we found," Detective Rune Randolfe, WCPD, said before doughnuting out of the parking lot in response to a phoned-in tip, "we got his stash of burned VHS tapes, too. This guy is headed Rapeside."
  The residents of this sleepy community were shocked by the appearance of so many heavily-armed officers within their midst. "I heard shouting, then what sounded like a door splintering," Tara Hogarth, 38, who lives immediately adjacent to the scene of the crime, said. "Mr... our neighbor was always nice to me, and to my kids. He would have people over sometimes, and we could see a large TV flickering through the blinds in his living room, but to think he was committing piracy, right here, in Warren City? Wow."
  Investigators are fanning out across the United States to track down and punish the millions of Americans suspected of piracy. "The numbers are staggering," agent Meyer said. "We think that over half of the adult population in this country is guilty of at least one act of piracy. Good thing my wife got into corrections."
  Citizens are urged to report instances of piracy, even piracy without monetary gain performed in the privacy of the home, to the appropriate federal authorities. "We have been spending billions on a war against drugs that has had no discernible affect," a state official speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "now it's time to really bleed our coffers dry going after these pirates. They ain't safe nowhere."

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)