Piracy Raid in Idaho

  Officers of the Warren City police department (WCPD), a suburb outside Boise, today raided the house of a suspected piracy offender. The primary objects seized in the dawn operation were a significant number of pirated DVDs. A subsequent search of the premise turned up discarded NetFlix envelopes and stacks of blank DVDs that investigators consider evidence of premeditation. "Anyone who has watched a film at home has seen the FBI warning at the beginning of that movie," said Douglas Meyer, head of the FBI's Anti-Piracy Mobile Strike Force. "If we can prove that this copy of Little House on the Prairie is pirated, we will punish this perpetrator to the fullest extent of the law." The Warren City man who was taken into custody immediately following the raid could face three years in jail and a $250,000 fine for each item of pirated intellectual property.
  "I don't give a shit about the weed we found," Detective Rune Randolfe, WCPD, said before doughnuting out of the parking lot in response to a phoned-in tip, "we got his stash of burned VHS tapes, too. This guy is headed Rapeside."
  The residents of this sleepy community were shocked by the appearance of so many heavily-armed officers within their midst. "I heard shouting, then what sounded like a door splintering," Tara Hogarth, 38, who lives immediately adjacent to the scene of the crime, said. "Mr... our neighbor was always nice to me, and to my kids. He would have people over sometimes, and we could see a large TV flickering through the blinds in his living room, but to think he was committing piracy, right here, in Warren City? Wow."
  Investigators are fanning out across the United States to track down and punish the millions of Americans suspected of piracy. "The numbers are staggering," agent Meyer said. "We think that over half of the adult population in this country is guilty of at least one act of piracy. Good thing my wife got into corrections."
  Citizens are urged to report instances of piracy, even piracy without monetary gain performed in the privacy of the home, to the appropriate federal authorities. "We have been spending billions on a war against drugs that has had no discernible affect," a state official speaking on condition of anonymity, said, "now it's time to really bleed our coffers dry going after these pirates. They ain't safe nowhere."

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)