on protecting mobiles

Mobile device enthusiasts are eagerly anticipating the commercial release of explosive reactive armor (ERA) accessories by AmeriBeth Protective Systems, Ltd., a joint Ynki-Israeli venture. Modeled after reactive tank armor that’s designed to protect what’s inside by exploding outward and dampening the impact of a foreign object traveling at high speed, soon-to-be-released AmeriBeth products feature an accelerometer-equipped microprocessor linked to tiny explosive elements built into the mobile phone or tablet casing that shoot outward to dampen the effects of a fall or sudden impact. “Our cases must, I repeat, must be worn on the outside of the body, with the back of the device facing outward, preferably using the belt-mounting device included with all of our products,” said company CEO Brien Gregory Edouard. “I can’t stress this enough - do not store or carry these devices inside a pants pocket or bag, as the kinetic elements will rip right through the material used to make your clothing or bag, damaging it beyond repair. Also, try not to drop it around children, animals, or people sitting on the ground, always wear long pants made of sturdy cloth, and don’t look down at a falling device.”


“You’re telling me that this case will protect my phone from a fall by part of it blowing up,” said Wilhelmina Francisco-Drais, a Ynki consumer sporting a brand-new handheld communications / entertainment device, while examining the AmeriBeth product at a trade fair. “But if I drop it next to a pet or kid the exploding particles might, uh hurt, said child or beast? Fuck it. Give me two right now. I paid more than a thousand dollars for this tablet and it’s more valuable to me than others’ health, life, or safety.” “People just love their mobile devices,” said Dr. Valencio Trammer, professor of behavioral studies at the University of California at Newton’s Harbor. “Chances are, AmeriBeth will find a way to make its product less lethal to things living at calf-level, but, for now, there’s always plausible deniability.”

According to the Pew Research Center, there are now nearly as many mobile devices in use in the United States as there are citizens.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

supplementary info from abcmouse.com!

Parents! Are your kids still sitting around in front of that other flat-screen monitor watching poisonous and boring programming? Is their health in decline, and do they show signs of extreme boredom? Are you looking for a way to keep them tethered to their tiny, imported, colorful plastic chairs, and glued to the Flickering Idiot Box of Self-Enslavement? We at abcmouse.com know that America's parents are looking for ways to further destroy their children's health and latent creativity; we also know just how counter fucking productive it is to encourage children to physically exit the home and to play outside in rapist-infested, germ-laden, terror-inspiring community parks.

To make sure your kid falls behind in school, that she develops early-on diseases such as diabetes, obesity, and social anxiety disorder, and that she leads a generally depressing and unsatisfying life, we at abcmouse.com have developed a suite of Internet-based games that will guide your child's bursting mind back into the browbeaten channels of rigid conformity so sought for by today's pre- and elementary school recruiters. You will marvel at your son's stunted and incomplete problem-solving skills, and his airy and dismissive manner will make you smile! You will cry out with joy upon seeing your daughter charge headlong into a storied career as the local checkout-girl (once, of course, she obtains her GED following the birth of her fourth child by three different men).

If you are so incompetent as to switch to using our service, if you have given up trying to teach things to your child or to mold her into a virtuous and self-sufficient individual to the extent that you cannot see through our crude lie, then you shall surely not understand that switching from one screen to the next makes no difference at all, and that diverting your kid's attention from the television to our website is lost and wasted effort. So come on by, parents of America, and rot your kids' brains at our site, not at the site of some “different” company.

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on the Straight Pride Parade

In a well-coordinated move meant to prove impartiality toward any particular group of citizens, and to make sure that no one feels left out, the confederated cities of America announced today events meant to celebrate heterosexual populations. Similar in breadth and in scope to events celebrating homosexual populations, Straight Pride Day shall highlight the role of heterosexuals in making this nation into the really great place it is today. “These vanilla-wafer-type non-gays just keep getting more and more tame by the year,” said alderman Walton K'Kliklei, the city of New York's primary liaison to the straights, in a brief statement following the official announcement. Straight Pride Day will culminate in the staging of forcibly awkward public mass sit-down dinner dates.

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terrorism? not in America

  Over the past decade, the military forces of the United States of America have persecuted a series of wars started by President George Bush and Dick Cheney. These politicians and their ilk sold the wars in Iraq and in Afghanistan to the people of America on the notion that this country would be attacked by waves of by crazed, turban-wearing foreigners with bombs strapped to their chests who had infiltrated American society so fully as to be able to strike any target anywhere, anytime. Convinced of the risk and cowed into submission by a fear-mongering and alarmist news media, the citizenry stood idly by as its president entered the Stronghold of Liberty into a two front war.

  (As the orphaned son of an officer of the United States Navy, and as one who has had the honor of being befriended by United States Marines, I respect unequivocally any person who has served in America's armed forces, or in the armed forces of any other nation founded upon principles similar to our own.)

  So much war and so much blood spilled, good thick blood oozing from Columbia's valiant sons and daughters, precious fluid escaping the bodies of good honest people from Indiana or California or New York who fly to foreign lands and give their lives in answer to their president's call. And as our troopers fight with honor in the air and on the land and upon/below the seas, has our nation faced this dreaded wave of suicidal attacks? It has not. Has our civilian infrastructure been compromised extensively, and have (innocent) bystanders been slaughtered by the thousands in lightning daytime raids against our airport or ground-vehicle terminals? They have not. And since they have not, we ask ourselves if it is time for the federal government to stop expend the lives and the resources of the American people on killing foreign religious terrorists, and that it should instead form a more perfect Union, establish Justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare, and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity.

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  p.s. devices for societal control such as the Controlled Substances Act, as well as SOPA and PIPA, destroy the Blessings of Liberty – they have no place in America's enlightened and modern society; they are formidable to tyrants only