on protecting mobiles

Mobile device enthusiasts are eagerly anticipating the commercial release of explosive reactive armor (ERA) accessories by AmeriBeth Protective Systems, Ltd., a joint Ynki-Israeli venture. Modeled after reactive tank armor that’s designed to protect what’s inside by exploding outward and dampening the impact of a foreign object traveling at high speed, soon-to-be-released AmeriBeth products feature an accelerometer-equipped microprocessor linked to tiny explosive elements built into the mobile phone or tablet casing that shoot outward to dampen the effects of a fall or sudden impact. “Our cases must, I repeat, must be worn on the outside of the body, with the back of the device facing outward, preferably using the belt-mounting device included with all of our products,” said company CEO Brien Gregory Edouard. “I can’t stress this enough - do not store or carry these devices inside a pants pocket or bag, as the kinetic elements will rip right through the material used to make your clothing or bag, damaging it beyond repair. Also, try not to drop it around children, animals, or people sitting on the ground, always wear long pants made of sturdy cloth, and don’t look down at a falling device.”


“You’re telling me that this case will protect my phone from a fall by part of it blowing up,” said Wilhelmina Francisco-Drais, a Ynki consumer sporting a brand-new handheld communications / entertainment device, while examining the AmeriBeth product at a trade fair. “But if I drop it next to a pet or kid the exploding particles might, uh hurt, said child or beast? Fuck it. Give me two right now. I paid more than a thousand dollars for this tablet and it’s more valuable to me than others’ health, life, or safety.” “People just love their mobile devices,” said Dr. Valencio Trammer, professor of behavioral studies at the University of California at Newton’s Harbor. “Chances are, AmeriBeth will find a way to make its product less lethal to things living at calf-level, but, for now, there’s always plausible deniability.”

According to the Pew Research Center, there are now nearly as many mobile devices in use in the United States as there are citizens.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

love slave obtained

Area resident Jacinda Grace Stanton recently purchased a new love slave (to replace the one she’d neglected to death). Though initially excited about being taken from the puppy mill where most of its litter-mates had died, the love slave, whom she named ‘Doggie Dearest,’ is quickly learning that life in its new home is not much better.

Ms. Stanton does not plan to take her newly acquired love slave on four daily walks, feed it properly and at regular intervals, take time to understand its language or moods, respect its right to live a stress-free life, or treat it with the dignity that a sentient being deserves. Instead, she intends to scold it when it voids its bowels inside her home due to lack of access to the out-of-doors, yell at it when it whines about being hungry, complain about having to take it to the vet after letting it suffer a massive skin infection for months, and leave it at home without food for days on end while she engages in multiple new romantic relationships.

Jacinda plans to hug her love slave from time to time, look quizzically at it when it barks, keep it trapped in her bedroom from 9pm until noon of the next day, ignore its needs while manipulating her mobile phone, occasionally lock it outside on a bare concrete pad overnight, and then insist on telling everyone she knows how much she loves animals but never washing out her love slave’s water bowl and only refilling it when it’s completely empty. The nation and state in which Ms. Stanton lives legally defines animals not as living things but as property, however, meaning that she’s not doing anything wrong - technically.

[This is a work of satire. Any reference to a person or persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Please treat living things under your control with the utmost respect and dignity.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan