government slashes taxes

After declaring that the American military shall be out of Afghanistan by the year 2014, the Obama administration announced plans to lower taxes for all Americans. Said the President while shotgunning a mocha latte on his way to a middle-school performance of Inherit The Wind: “We are going to cut these taxes by not renewing the contracts of over half of all service military personnel and by waiting two full calendar years before placing any more orders for tanks, jets, frigates, uniforms, or machine-pistols. We've got so much of this shit just lying around collecting dust, anyway, and, since we spend many times more on so-called defense than all other major world players combined, including Russia, and China, we have built up a bit of breathing room for ourselves. By reducing our war-related expenditures and not paying hundreds of billions of dollars to independent war-related contractors, for example, we can afford to collect hundreds of billions of fewer tax-dollars.”

The decision to draw down the military to numbers capable of protecting the homeland – that being the physical constraints of fair Columbia – has been applauded by administration critics and supporters alike; the decision to spend money rebuilding schools and hospitals here in America rather than rebuilding them in far and dusty lands has been met with joyous praise and loud cries of thanks. “The other parents in my Parent-Teachers-Association and I have been curious to know why nearly 54% of our taxes was being spent on trying to kill sneaky jihads overseas while only a fraction of it was being used to educate young minds in our own backyards,” said concerned housewife and mother-of-one Bridgit Romaine-Staudemeiyer, 28, from Seal Beach, California. “It seems as if our elected leaders are slowly getting their shit together – slowly, mind you, but, we hope, steadily.”

“In our age of information-technology warfare, it doesn't matter how many tanks a country has, or how many sovereign nations its forces occupy,” said Ululandno Iishitakko, a security consultant for Heath & Hearth Industries, a consulting firm bent on creating a peaceful and verdant world in which America's troopers can finally come home and get some rest. “When a pod of starving hackers working out of a filthy basement in some former Soviet-bloc republic can infiltrate Pentagon security and hack a drone flying over a battlefield in al-Anbar province, those selfsame scumbags can shut down the U.S. military's various communications networks at home and abroad, rendering them effectively useless. It's a whole new ball-game, boys and girls.” While entering Marine 1, in which the head of state would fly to Camp David for a series of meetings with leaders from South America's socialist-leaning countries, Mr. Obama said, “We're gonna take the money we've been spending to maintain physical presences in hot-spots around the globe and use some of it to beef up our communications networks here at home, networks that were shoddily constructed by sycophantic security consultants during my predecessor's administration, networks so full of holes that they resemble that good Vermont swiss cheese I love so much. We need to start letting the various peoples of the world figure out their own problems; we need to stop acting like the globe's recess monitors, picking sides and choosing winners. We start healing America again by slashing taxes across the board.” As his helo alighted from the ground with a bone-clattering thwacking sound, the president showed the assembled reporters two fingers on his left hand spread into a V, for victory.

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private sector triumphs

Last Thursday evening, quietly, and with little fanfare, the private companies constituting America's military industrial complex declared success in their efforts to undermine and ultimately destroy liberty, democracy, and free speech at home and abroad. During a lavish ceremony held at an opulent dining room located in a convention center built using local taxes-dollars, these enemies of freedom toasted themselves, each other, and their cronies in Washington, cronies who used the federal 2012 defense bill to enrich these fools by nearly $400 billion. “NASA just spent $1.6 billion sending a miniature laboratory to Mars,” said the head of a powerful aeronautics contractor, to uproarious applause. “One point six billion? I can see from this here podium seventeen different fellow defense contractors who made that much in stock options in the ten minutes after the President signed the National Defense Authorization Act of 2012 (NDAA 2012). It warms my heart to know that those $400 billion were used to make the persons in this room rich instead of being wasted on launching more scientific labs into space, feeding malnourished children, or developing methods for raising crops in Earth's barren and waterless places. We have done it, gentlemen – hoodwinked hundreds of millions of clueless motherfuckers into making us wealthier and more powerful than they could possibly imagine.”

Called in 1961 by outgoing president Dwight D. Eisenhower the greatest threat to democracy that this country has ever known, a few tens of thousands of defense contractors routinely cheat over three hundred and ten millions of common American citizens out of roughly half the money we commoners give the government in the form of taxes, every year. “With four hundred billion dollars, we could refurbish a thousand schools, explore the seas and space, pay a hundred thousand school-teachers decently, rebuild a thousand bridges, cure a dozen diseases, and perfect renewable-energy-gathering-systems such as solar, tidal, wind, and thermal,” said Shurucq Tamzal, PhD, spokeswoman for the U.S. Government Accountability Office (GAO). “But no matter how many recommendations this office makes to leaders in the White House or Congress, they keep shoveling hundreds of billions of dollars into the pockets of private individuals who profit from constant and continuous conflict – war on a global scale. So, basically, when the U.S. makes war, defense contractors get rich. This is a disgrace, a farce, not at all how the persons who founded this nation intended us to be doing things. At least, that's my opinion; please don't quote me on it.”

Defense contracting is as old as war itself, a business which in the age of modern warfare and endless armed struggle has no time for or interest in maintaining freedom and democracy for an uneducated, disinterested, television-addled population. In his closing remarks before ceding the stage to Creed – a religiously-conservative music group – the aforementioned aeronautics contractor said, “Frankly, we need the general American public to stay stupid and glued to the idiot-box for five hours every day, because, otherwise, it would ask too many questions, wanting to know who keeps giving us hundreds of billions of its tax-dollars. I thank my lucky stars for the wizards who make compelling, high-drama, high-quality TV programming.”

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DOD now DOWOA

While preparations for the impeding military action against the Islamic Republic of Iran reach a fever pitch, spokespersons for what was formerly known as the Department of Defense (DOD) of the United States of America have traveled to nations across the globe to spread news of their employer's nominal re-branding. Now called the Department of Wars of Aggression, the government agency formerly known as the DOD decided to change its name to reflect America's new role in the world, that being no longer a nation that defends its own borders or those of its friends but one that frequently violates its own laws and the laws of various international charters by initiating military action against sovereign foreign nations.

“Ever since its police action in Viet-Nam, the American military has been continuously involved in hot conflicts in places such as Nicaragua, Iraq, and Afghanistan,” said Geraldine Fuchs-Kleimman, a former Navy pilot in her early 30s who spoke to us from Nigeria via satellite-phone. “Since our illegal invasion of Iraq in 2002 and the subsequent illegal invasion of Afghanistan not long thereafter, my fellow peons and I have been hearing rumors that this name-change would occur; we're just happy that the Secretary of (previously Defense, but, now) Aggression (SecAgg) finally got his shit together and filled out all that paperwork​.” A nation once hailed as the savior of mankind for defeating the Nazi plaque threatening to grind all of Europe under its murderous jack-boot, America has plummeted recently in the estimation of her fellow nation-states. Having succumbed to the demands of a massive military-industrial complex and allowed nearly her entire society to be controlled by the narrow-minded policies of avaricious, for-profit corporations, however, once-fair Columbia has so drastically changed her tune that she barely resembles the nation she was just a few, short decades ago.

“I remember when we Americans minded our own business and let other peoples figure things out for themselves, enticing them perhaps with our goods and trying to get a toe-hold in their markets, but not actually killing them and stealing their oil,” said 75-year-old farmer Henry James Wainschott Jr., proud tiller of soil, from atop a museum-worthy John Deere tractor. “I was reading somewhere that nearly $400 billion dollars of the current military budget is used to pay private military contractors. These contractors are the self-same motherfuckers charging two hundred dollars for a single sheet of dry-wall and lobbying like lunatics to keep the wars going, bankrupting the American Dream for nine-tenths of Americans with their abject, damnable greed.”

“Truth is, we're running out of foreign nation-states upon whom to wage these wars of aggression,” said 47-year-old Maryland resident and senior analyst Vishay Utilanad, who works indirectly for the Secretary of Aggression. “Once we give Iran a good drubbing, North Korea will be the last thing standing in the way of us dealing death, destruction, woe, and torment against the American population itself, and, believe me, we've had a lot of practice subjugating unruly populations in the last decade. So dust off your slave-shoes, folks, pucker up those suck-holes, and prepare to have all of your remaining constitutional protections revoked, because, like fucking idiots, you gave up the last of your rights a long, long time ago.”

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