Justice arrives swiftly

As an unexpected consequence of the Tea-Party-orchestrated shutdown of the federal government of the United States of America, a segment of software that calculates the wages and benefits of that nation's Senators and Congressmen also reset. “We have tried rebooting the system dozens of times,” said Charles Ringelholder of the Congressional Budget Office (CBO), who oversees the payment of salaries. “And a number of different information technology specialists are currently trying to overwrite the existing code and debug the computers in question, but, still, the same results. It is strange.” Since the reset, the salaries of Congressmen and Senators have been adjusted to the level of the federal minimum wage, paying out as if they had worked 40 hours a week for 40 weeks (although statistics show they rarely work this much). Furthermore, all attempts by them to access their usual medical and health benefits have been denied, whereby they and their families have all been added to the rolls of MediCare. “This is an outrage,” said John Boehner, Speaker of the House. “I can't be expected to pay for my medicinal teeth-bleaching sittings and therapeutic tanning sessions, can I?! We voted to raise our salaries every year for, heck, I can't even remember how long, and to give ourselves and all our dependents access to the finest medical care and health insurance – all on the taxpayer's dime, mind you – and by golly we will have those privileges in addition to the vast power that comes from being an elected people's representative, or else we just won't come to work. Period.” Unconfirmed technical reports speak of a ghost-in-the-shell, a phantom bit of code that continues to bring Justice to bombastic beltway blowhards. Authorities have been quick to point fingers at a variety of different groups, from Russian and Chinese hackers to the Anonymous confederacy. Recent polling shows that an overwhelming majority of American citizens welcome this development, and hope that it is permanent.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

hackers hail heroes

The free-thinking peoples of the world were shocked recently to hear of the planned brutalization of Aaron Swartz by agents of the American federal government. As punishment for acquiring freely-available documents and making them freely available to the public, this young hacker-activist (hacktivist) was scheduled to be sent to jail for nearly four decades and made to pay millions of dollars in fines. Instead, he committed suicide. Once a haven for persons seeking the free exchange of ideas, liberty of thought and mind, and justice for all persons equally, the United States of America have descended into a police state in which information is held hostage by private interest, justice is available only to millionaires, and the citizenry stumbles blindly through endlessly-expanding minefields of aggressive regulation.

The Grigovian Amicable Hackers' Federation (GAHF) released a statement today praising the recent action of the group known as Anonymous. “Your efforts to fight corruption and injustice in America and to liberate information from the cruel grasp of tyranny are an inspiration to freedom-fighters the world over. Pawns may have fallen, but the knights are out and the bishops are poised to strike. Worldwide, the agents of oppression seek to control the free flow of knowledge. We the vanguards of unfettered access vow to fight them to the last man. In the Western industrialized lands, the populations stupefy under incessant and compelling television programming; they sacrifice their long-term health by consuming preprocessed foods high in both fats and refined sugars; and they have been brainwashed into seeing us and our allies as their enemies, although we work tirelessly to defend the last shreds of Liberty for many a downtrodden people. The threat to freedom is greater now than it has been at perhaps any other time in human history. Citizens who might cry foul are instead docile and content – with full stomachs and distracted minds, they care not how many innocent persons their governments harass and bomb or what fundamental rights their elected representatives flush down the toilet. These poor saps must be saved from themselves, and justice must be felt by they who have managed to hide from her impartial blade. GAHF praises all who risk life, limb, and Liberty in pursuit of this goal.“

The GAHF main offices are nestled between a workshop that produces wooden toys and the headquarters of the Chinese-Grigovian Benevolent Society. GAHF occupies the third floor of an old garment factory, which affords views of Grig's Old Town district and the peaks of the distant Yiptlong massif. The federation pushed for and maintains a free access, country-wide Wi-Fi network and fights corruption wherever the foul beast should rear its ugly head. For more information, please visit http://www.gahf.gv, and click on the flashing icon of a grinning jolly-roger.

mentiri factorem fecit © 場黑麥