on made in the Americas

Have you searched to no avail for high-quality yet reasonably-priced products that were: “Made in America?” Do you yearn to spend your hard-earned money on items made by Americans, in America, for Americans? Are you loathe to purchase items that could not have reached you unless by container ship?

If you have answered yes to any of these questions, consider purchasing items made by honest and industrious native workers in South and Central America. Let the Chinese sell their goods to the Africans; let the peoples of the Pacific Rim peddle their wares to the Russians; let the Europeans hawk their crap to each other – we here in North America buy native goods produced by Americanos using such indigenous resources as are here in abundance. It matters little if the producers happen to be from San Salvador, Columbia, Chile, Brazil, or Nicaragua, what does matter is that they were born in America, that they live in America, and that they work in America. We do not care if they inhabit a country located in the central Americas, or if they live in the Americas to the south, we care that the foods we eat, and the goods we consume, come from this our native soil.

So, next time, consider purchasing goods Made In The Americas, because Uruguay is fucking close enough.

This message has been sponsored, in part, by Grupo Internacional De Todos Las Americas.

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on easy living

Attention, citizens of America: keep doing that to which you are accustomed; do not alter your ways; do not conserve resources; do not research and implement in your own lives methods for sustainable or self-sufficient living. Let not your minds be filled with worry, nor pay any heed to the fear-mongers spreading false intelligence about environmental degradation, the worldwide depletion of nutrients from the soil, the rapid extinction of species large and small, massive crop failures, algal blooms that suffocate all other sea-life, or reports of a garbage patch the size of continental Europe floating in the Pacific Ocean. You must do nothing to save fair Columbia – she who is our common, tender motherland – or to rejuvenate her paved-over soil, her once-clean rivers, her now-contaminated lakes, her exploited meadows, her clear-cut forests, her mono-cultured fields, or her cities that creep and sprawl like fungi out into their once-abundant surroundings.

Do not plant your own victory garden, do not ride a bicycle, do not turn off lights when they are not needed, do not entertain yourselves, do not criticize your elected officials, do not reduce, reuse, or recycle, do not turn off your car's engine if it should idle longer than thirty seconds, do not close your house's windows when running the air-conditioning, do not gather electricity from the sun, do not mow your lawn using muscle-power, and do not put on a sweater instead of turning on your furnace. All you must do – and all that is expected of you – is to buy food made by someone you shall never meet, to cast your ballot in elections that you are powerless to truly sway, to wave a plastic, Chinese-made American flag when you are told to wave it, to watch TV for more than an hour a day, to shop at stores (the big discount retailers) that cut costs by supporting slavery in Africa, Asia, and South America, to fear foreigners, immigrants, and the phantom threat of terrorism, to relinquish your rights by continuing to support the anti-patriotic, freedom-destroying Patriot Act, to fill your car's tank with terrorism-funding, war-necessitating gasoline, to contract diabetes and other diseases by eating too much food, and to lead a generally leisure-filled, comfortable life that amounts to little more than sloth.

Please, do not worry, citizens of America – because your pastor tells you not to, because your politician tells you not to, because advertisers tell you not to. Do not even try to break the chains and shackles of your self-imposed slavery to conspicuous consumption, to the hollow notion of convenience, and to the idea that someone else is going to fix your problems for you. Do nothing, please, but kick back in your foreign-made recliner, wearing your Bangladeshi-sweatshop-made clothes, sipping from an imported plastic cup a brew of artificial colors mixed with refined corn sugar, and watch as the world burns around you.

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woman, 39, admits: ”I finally get it.”

In a shocking revelation made in the company of her closest friends last Thursday afternoon, Gerlinde Korcsinski-Grosschmidt, who plans to celebrate her fortieth birthday next week with her new dachshund puppy, said, all of a sudden and after having stared out of the tastefully-draped bay windows for nearly seven minutes, “I get it, guys, I finally get it.” The bi-monthly meeting, which had just the week before received the official title of Thor's Day Tea-Time & Ladies' Round-Table, was lively until the moment of Gerlinde's outburst, at which point, however, conversation fell silent. The assembled females – including the wheelchair-bound Mrs. Wu Hei-bei, who normally sits despondently in the corner without so much as blinking – turned in unison to look at Miss Korcsinski-Grosschmidt, who said, again, “I get it, finally... yes, I finally understand.”

When pressed for additional details by the host, Mrs. John R. Rhinault, a retired press agent for the Tucson Daily Sun-Times, Gerlinde wiped a single tear from her eye, looked up as if coming out of a trance, and said, “More tea, anyone?” The ladies of the round-table exchanged secret, admonishing glances with one another, with the exception of Mrs. Wu, who smiled for the first time in three decades.

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U.S. legislators stop accepting bribes

Following their ouster on National Public Radio (NPR), which did a segment last week called Forget Stocks Or Bonds, Invest In A Lobbyist (or, How Representatives Sell Out America), this nation's Congresswomen, Congressmen, and Senators have decided – unanimously – to stop being such money-grubbing, re-election-focused whores. Early last Friday morning, in the Capitol rotunda in Washington, D.C., all members of the House and Senate gathered to declare, in unison, “We have seen the error of our ways. We understand that this type of behavior ruins our fledgling democracy, that it tramples upon the voices of those citizens who cannot constantly contribute to our re-election campaigns, and that it destroys everything Americans have fought for, and died for, since the early days of this republic.”

The legislators, who until now had not even tried to hide the fact that they were selling their souls, their voices, and their access to – and influence over – the legislative process to anyone capable of physically handing them a check upwards of thirty-five thousand dollars ($35,000), wept with shame. “We are heartless bastards who have lost sight of our purpose,” said Speaker John Boehner. “Our real job is to speak to the people of our districts directly and to figure out what it is that they need; our job is not to sit around in tax-payer-funded offices and to hold court to see how many checks we can collect in a single day, nor is it to champion legislation such as that favorable merely to big business, to big corporations, our to our most frequent individual cash donors.”

To the amazement of the staff here at Mentiri Factorem Truth-Seeking & Truth-Speaking, it is not illegal for an elected official to sell his or her influence outright, nor do such despicable acts of flagrant corruption legally violate the standards of decency, the rules of common sense, the parameters of the Constitution, or the essence of the Declaration of Independence. Said D.C. occupier Herrold K. Chesterfeld, a computer programmer from a state on the Eastern seaboard, whose job was sold last year to an overseas conglomerate that had paid the Senator from his state a lot of cash-money to sanction the sale, “My great-great-great-great-great grandfather did not die during the Siege of Boston so that some pompous, millionaire official could pad his re-election coffers by selling my job to a group of rich scumbags in South Asia. Legislators are supposed to represent the interests of the individual citizen, individually, but when they cow-tow to persons or corporations that have heaps of money to burn, they prove that they are no better than slaves or truck-stop knob-slobbers. We need jobs in my state, we need health-care, we need reasonably-priced, high-quality, American-made food, shelter, and clothing – this circus, this fiasco, has gone on for long enough.”

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rain, devil's rain

Harvest Hope & Healing House (HH&HH) megachurch founder and head pastor Langdon Tinngle-Brace declared this morning from his perch high atop a glass-walled pulpit inlaid with gold and ivory that the faithful should avoid rain if at all possible, it being, “The work of the devil himself.” At the conclusion of his forty-minute sermon on the subject (during which two parishoners gave birth and one septuagenarian died), the Right Honorable Mister Tinngle-Brace, who answers only to his full title, said, “God's tears? Rain is not god's tears, nor is it Jesus' tears, nor is it the tears of those cute little baby angel cherubs that weep when they look down upon us and our sinful ways. No. No! You fine people out there staring up at me like good Christians, No! you avoid that rain; you run at the slightest sprinkle; you cover your head and cower in fear of the first sign of a debilitating and dastardly downpour. The devil is in them clouds, he makes the rain fall. It is the devil's very piddle that lies in puddles on our fine roads and that soaks and slithers its way into our bright and tender hearts.” Mr. Tinngle-Brace, being far too corpulent to walk and, besides, having worked himself into quite a lather, was hoisted from the pulpit by means of his personal Gilded Forklift of Heavenly Ascendancy.

Ushers were standing by as the service ended to hand out brochures for – and to funnel churchgoers into – an on-site information seminar about HH&HH's newest RV-park and retirement community in Roswell, New Mexico, where, according to the high-gloss, parchment-like pamphlets, the rains never fall.

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corporations drafted, sent to war

Following Citizens United, a recent decision by the United States Supreme Court that bestowed full person-hood upon the corporations of America, executive boards of the richest and most powerful corporate bodies announced over the weekend that they, as well as their corporate overlords, had received, by mail, Selective Service System (SSS) paperwork. Said Candyce Nymondale, chief spokeswoman for SSS: “A computer selected these names and sent them to another computer that in turn had a robot mail out forms. Mr. Apple, Mr. Amazon, and Mr. GE, as well as the remaining corporations, are expected to pay their taxes, to serve their country, and to go to war, if that should be in the best interest of the American People.”

According to the laws of decency, and in line with the notion that all persons are created equally, corporations (as they are now fully-emancipated human beings) must provide sacrifices equal to or exceeding the sacrifices made by those flesh-and-blood Americans who are fighting and dying in conflicts across the globe. “For too long have these cowards shirked their responsibilities,” President Obama said, to resounding applause, at a rally in Puerto Rico last Sunday. “For too long have we granted these corporations the rights and privileges of full-blown homo sapiens without expecting of them sacrifice of any kind. If these corporations cannot go to war and fight and die in the dusty, rock-strewn hills of Afghanistan, then we shall call upon the members of their executive boards to act as proxies, and to go to war in their stead.”

“Corporations amass great wealth by exploiting their employees' honest labor, by inflating their potential value in the stock-markets, and by wiggling through legal loopholes that allow them to avoid contributing positively to or otherwise being upstanding and productive members of society; they are leeches of the worst sort, profit-driven juggernauts that crush anything they might encounter, the embodiment of moral decay and societal downfall,” said Dr. Thomaz D. Orguzman, a corporate sociologist who also holds a degree in corporate anthropology, while negotiating a phalanx of reporters in order to enter his small but tidy home outside Wichita, Kansas. “They (corporations) are already structured and run as if they were military organizations, so requiring them to do their part in the Global War on Terror seems to me, if nothing else, logical.” Calls to chief executive officers of major American corporations were routed invariably to tense-sounding legal departments run by foreign-born individuals located anywhere but on U.S. soil.

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CDC & DEA announce joint venture

Working closely with specialists in Atlanta, Georgia, the Drug Enforcement Agency's (DEA) top brass has expanded its rules and guidelines for regulating nearly every aspect of Americans' lives. In addition to persecuting individuals who affect the body with drugs, the tyranny-minded DEA is adding a suite of new parameters for regulating and punishing persons with excess or insufficient body weight, strange or unconventional haircuts (think mullet, Iroquois, and tonsure), tattoos and other bodily modifications, poor dental health, and an overall lack of proper hygiene. While it already has the power to force the People to take any pills they may not have been taking, and to make sure that they are eating their recommended daily allowance of fiber and grains, and to make sure they do not exceed their weekly ration of hard spirits, this most recent expansion of the DEA's power surprises no one – not anarchists, not neo-anarchists, not even communists, socialists, republicans, neo-republicans, libertarians, nihilists, or vegans.

Said DEA junior press agent Yhett Redunindab, ”It has long been legal for the individual to cut off his nipples, to seal those nipples in airtight containers, and to insert and display the severed discs of flesh in translucent plugs that fill his stretched-out earlobes – but no more. Upon consideration, we, and our fabulous colleagues at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), concluded that such external disfigurement is no different than the internal disfigurement caused by smoking dope or snorting crank, and that, therefore, we can punish anyone who should remove and display his man-teats in such fashion, and anyone doing anything of which we do not personally approve.” An information packet handed out after the briefing outlined additional regulations, such as a prohibition on tattooing designs other than those approved by one's state legislature, an outlawing of the wearing of religious attire (such as the bonnet, the habit, or the hijab) by women, the forced consumption of one's recommended daily allotment of pork, and bans on bulimia, obesity, sloth, jaundice, and the wearing of baggy or sagging pants, shirts that bunch up in the back, popped collars, magenta-colored silk blouses, and socks that are visible above the shoe-rim.

“If a person should think she can just go out and get a unicorn design cut with ink into her left forearm, that person would be thinking wrong,” Mr. Redunindab said while being escorted by heavily-armed civilian contractors to a row of idling black vehicles. “The body is not the individual's property to do with as she pleases, nor do the parameters of Liberty cover activities such as mainlining horse or not eating healthily while within the privacy of one's home. We are watching, we are listening, we do not need warrants, and we shall be making sure that everyone plays to whichever tune we decide, arbitrarily, is best.” When asked how he thought the public would respond once they found out the extent to which the federal and state governments were violating the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty equally to each and every citizen, the agent simply pointed to the individual who had asked the question and laughed as two unsmiling, teeth-grinding contractors dragged her by the hair and threw her in a nearby river.

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a big ship sank 100 years ago today, and people won't shut up about it. good riddance, Titanic - blub, blub, blub

on ninety-nine victories

Success, friends, success. Huzzah. By liberating the neo-serfs of today's lowest and groveling classes, the 99% has brought to a close a process that began in the late 1840s. Victory's proof: starting on 13 April 2012, in enlightened and far-thinking nations across the globe, all debts shall be wiped away, all crimes shall be forgiven, decent and well-paying jobs shall appear as if magically from thin air, and housing, food, health-care, and clothing shall be provided to anyone in need. Truly, it shall be, “from each according to his ability, to each according to his need” (this being our motto). Marx and Engels would be proud of our stalwart revolutionary zeal and steadfast, unflinching dedication to the task at hand.

Seriously, we have won, and by winning, I mean that, across the board, we have eliminated corruption, money-lust, environmental degradation, and self-enslavement to entertainment and consumer products. My congressman promised it on the news this morning – I swear I heard him say something to that effect. Huzzah. So, let's all go home and have a nice cup of tea, since our overwhelming anger and simmering hostility have compelled the people in power, whom we call the compassionate and honor-bound bourgeoisie, to relinquish their lofty posts and to leave on the first corporate jet for sunnier shores as yet untouched by our righteous fury. History shows that all previous ruling classes have readily relinquished their power when faced with persistent popular protests. We've got this thing sewn up: our gains are assured, the power is back in the hands of people other than millionaire, re-election obsessed politicians, and our rapacious, trickle-up national financial policy is a thing of the past. Besides – those pleasant-looking riot cops keep inching closer this way, my iPad is almost out of juice, and this mocha-frappuccino is not even close to being cold, so, seriously, come on, guys, let's get going. And again, Huzzah.

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on the banks of the mighty Yalung – a tourist's look at Grigovia

(This text was smuggled out of Grig at terrible cost and despite a U.S.-led embargo against this fine, upstanding nation. Please, enjoy.)

Come, friends, please come visit Grig, capital of Grigovia. Find love along the tree-lined banks of the serpentine Yalung River; learn to make the spice using fresh czabtyip and cool, clean water; infiltrate a band of roving Yaelong raiders and attempt to puzzle out their speech (if you succeed in deciphering any portion of their language, please share your learnings with MIIG, the Ministry of Internal Information Gathering); hunt the elusive yip-yipt-yend in the verdant Lower Yalung Valley; search for the source of the mighty Yalung River (again, if you succeed in finding the source, please share your learnings with MIIG).

All these things and more you can do in the not-too-big, not-too-small Glorious Republic of Grigovia. We urge you to act before the American capitalist swine invade us to steal our bauxite, and our other rare earth metals. (MIIG puts the likelihood of invasion at nineteen to one in favor of our swift and crushing military defeat.) Spend your hard-earned coins at any of our four modern casinos (all within a two hour train ride from Grig); hit the slopes with ski-mounted girl-bunnies at Yiptlong Mountain Resort, a three-star hotel and ascending-pulley located high up in the world-famous Yiptlong massif. Act now, before our landscape is littered with unexploded ordinance; visit now, before our roads, our fields, our villages, and our cities are sewn with land-mines and bombed into ruin; share, now, in our long and proud traditions before they are pulverized by the jack-boot of forced democratization.

Please come soon, because we need tourist money to improve our antiquated ground defenses (which, according to MIIG, have been rusting away in good order since we declared independence from the loathsome Soviet overlords back in 1992). Times have been tough – our terrain is too mountainous for Yankee to use as a re-fueling stop on his way to carpet-bomb Iraq and Afghanistan, and therefore we were not invited into his League of Righteous 9-11 Avengers (the few stinking capitalists we caught poking around amongst the Yaelong are locked safely away in Hramm prison, a lovely building located near the pulsing heart of cosmopolitan Grig, from which they cannot be sprung, not even by the Team of 6 Sea-Lions). Please come – for the romance, for the powdered slopes, for the chase, or just to watch the impending invasion unfold. There is little time to lose, and much joy to gain by visiting the lush hidden valleys and pristine highland plains of Grigovia, today.

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happy zombie-Yeshua day 2012

Many generations ago, there lived a man whose mother was a virgin. He suffered trials and tribulations; he was sacrificed in a horrible fashion; he died and was buried; and after three days of being dead, legend says that he rose back to life. His contemporaries looked upon him as the son of god, and some even saw him as god. This man's name was Osiris, and his story was told, in Egypt and across the Mediterranean, hundreds of years before common error.

On this beautiful spring day, I should like to encourage the reader to think about those things which are not often thought about, to seek truth in all matters, and to sing with me the praises of Oestre, the voluptuous fertility goddess from whom Easter gets its name (and its randy bunnies and bursting flowers). May your body be fertile, and your partner willing.

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on my postal commie nightmare

I watch, each day, with loathing and great trepidation, as an agent of the socialist ideal drives up to a box at the end of my unpaved driveway into which he deposits slender pieces of folded and stamped paper, or, occasionally, a carefully-wrapped package. Then, his foul work done, he speeds off rapidly, as if part of an escape pattern calculated to send shivers down my spine. I have seen the agent close-up, and he wears the uniform of the United States Postal Service. Be warned, citizens of America: there are commies in our midst.

The U.S. Postal Service, or USPS, is a stubborn and tenacious holdout of the communistic infestation that has blighted this nation since before we had a presidency, a Congress, or a Supreme Court, and before the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence were written (let alone drafted). For nearly two and a half centuries, we have suffered from the benefits of this institution; for too long has it served all persons equally, and at low cost; for too long have we wallowed under this communistic oppression. The bastard Benjamin Franklin served as post-master to the state of Pennsylvania; he allowed this stubborn poison to infect his adopted colony; he even encouraged its spread to other colonies of the time. Such a man was Franklin, such a base and vile miscreant, such a foul agent of ever-creeping socialism, that in his supposedly enlightened time he was seduced and enslaved by forces acting in the interest of the general Welfare.

It is well that under the presidency of George Walker Bush the United States Postal Service was all but annihilated through clever and dastardly schemes (in part by being forced to accumulate within a short amount of time a full decade's worth of pension payments); if he had been but successful, we would still be singing his praises not only for engaging America in ground wars in two separate, sovereign nations, but also for wiping from the face of our shining land the final remnants of foul socialism. There is no option but the capitalistic option; there may be no services rendered but for those done by for-profit corporations; the dream of a state bent on improving the general Welfare and seeing to the domestic Tranquility was just that – a hollow, worthless dream conjured up by such scum as foul olde Franklin. Let no further socialists darken the threshold of my home – not to bring me my new shoes, nor to bring me the bill for my new shoes, not even to drop off a Festivus card – for I refuse to interact with commies, no matter how sunny their demeanor, how pleasantly they might smile, or with what sort of conviction they perform their duties in rain, sleet, and hail. A pox upon all commies, I say.

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Santander announces new FEAR card

Santander & Sovereign Banks announced today (from their subterranean bunkers outside of Washington D.C.) the newest credit card to ensnare unwary, consumption-crazy customers: Fear. Get afraid today with high rates, hidden fees, inexplicable cancellations, and an ever-shrinking credit ceiling. With Santander's new Fear card, never again must you be afraid of past-due payments or of collections calls from angry, third-party creditors: the only thing you must fear is us, your bank, because we shall act swiftly and with righteous fury to repossess anything you might own in order to recover your outstanding debts to us. Sign up today at one of our inconvenient locations that are sure to be staffed with disinterested customer service representatives who shall be more likely to put up their feet on the employee room tables than to get off their asses and attend to customers. Fear, today, with Santander / Sovereign.

p.s. The author would like to point out that the new credit card's name is not Fear, as he initially suspected; rather, the card is called Sphere, although he applauds the logic behind using a name that sounds exactly like “fear” when referring to credit, a horrifying state of self-imposed slavery to Big Bro Bank which is sure to terrify any self-respecting, self-sufficient American.

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Santorum saves sperms

After wins in the electorally-superior states of South Carolina and Nebraska, Rick Santorum locked in the Republican selection for president of the United States of America. When asked what he would do upon being appointed to such a lofty post, Santorum said: “First off, I'll pass executive order Number Two, or the Mandate for the Elimination of, Specifically, Spermicide – MESS. Under MESS, any person found wasting sperm by masturbating or by fornicating other than solely for procreation shall be punished according to certain passages from my religion's older testaments that I will not name at this time. Anybody found wanking it, spanking it, or putting it in holes other than holes belonging to young human females of child-bearing age will be punished severely. What's more, anyone found harboring or protecting persons suspected or convicted of spermicidal behavior will be shot on sight by Agents Standard of Mother Church. Brace yourselves, sinners of America – 'cuz we're about to get medieval on your gosh-durn buns.”

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