haiku 17 May 2018

Seventy million
Born-again conservatives

Threaten liberty

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

haiku 29 August 2017

ISIS terrorists
Are as dangerous as white,
Christian terrorists

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Michigan goes biblical

In a landmark act of religious extremism, the U.S. state of Michigan passed laws yesterday to establish Old Testament, Christian rule over its people. “With the blessing of the holy father, we've added these riders to House Bill HMR.447.42, thus returning the rites, customs, and institutions of this great state back to where they belong – the Bronze Age,” said House Speaker Ruth Geihrtruud (R), of Grand Rapids. “Accordingly, any farmer who sows more than one crop in the same field must be killed; anybody wearing clothing woven from two different materials must be put to the knife; any child that curses his parents must hang until deceased; anyone who eats a cheeseburger must perish; any man who trims the edges of his beard and any woman who speaks in church will suffer an ultimate punishment – the swift and brutal cessation of his or her life.” Much like Daesh (ISIS), which intends to impose an Islamic caliphate across the Middle East – and thence, the world – the state of Michigan has abandoned all reason as well as the principle of the separation of church and state by forcing its citizens to live according to the rules of one religion, in particular. “There are roughly 610 ironclad rules for virtuous living found in the holy text,” continued Geihrtruud, who has since her teenage years spent every period of menstruation in a shack far removed from the rest of humanity, as Yahweh intended. “Disobedient slaves, practicing sodomists, and people who seek psychological help will be wiped from the face of the earth so as to ensure that we righteous few who believe in the true word of god might live our lives as the holy father intended – free to do unto others as he commanded, and in so doing, to create a new Jerusalem on these shores and secure for ourselves a seat by his side, in heaven.” Immediately after the passage of House Bill HMR.447.42, squads of armed Christian zealots set about destroying places of false idol worship across the Wolverine State, among them mosques, synagogues, and shrines erected in honor of the state's football mascots.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

New Hampshire secedes II

Last Tuesday, in Concord, the capital of this now-sovereign nation of 1.3 million individuals, state leaders quietly seceded from the Union of American States (USA). An overwhelming majority of the population – 98% – approved the decision via referendum. Many voters claimed they were inspired by New Hampshire's history as the first post-colonial sovereign nation in the Western hemisphere. The move comes at a time of increasing national and international doubt regarding the continuing feasibility of the USA. During a brief ceremony devoid of fanfare or bluster, the governor for the state, a Dr. Florentine B. Mistleblanch, declared, “For too long have we citizens of the once fine state of New Hampshire – and the now fine nation of Nu-Hemp-Sure – payed mere lip service to our motto: 'Live free, or die.' Since all persons living here at this time are henceforth totally and completely free of any and all outside interference, what was once slogan is now reality.”

Polls conducted in the wake of last fall's referendum showed that individuals living in this ex-state wanted nothing to do with such formerly Confederate states as North Carolina, a state that has violated the rights of its homosexual citizens by passing laws that codify marriage according to hard-line Christian rules. (As of press-time, Christianity is merely one religion among hundreds practiced in America today; it is neither the founding, nor the dominant, religion of the USA.) Said governor Mistleblanch while unlocking her bicycle from a signpost behind the podium, “We don't want to be associated in the estimation of humankind with leaders seeking to overthrow reason; we have no use for madmen wishing to rule according to one – and only one – religious codex; and we want nothing to do with lunatics who abolish the principles of Liberty and insist on theocratic tyranny. We invite the North Carolinians and any other like-minded jackasses to do as they please, but we proud denizens of the Hempen-Shire want nothing more to do with crazy schemes that trample on the freedoms of innocent persons. By the way, to cultivate and consume marijuana, and, of course, hemp, is henceforth the legal right of each and every emancipated adult living within our borders.”

Nu-Hemp-Sure is the world's newest nation, and the third – following Puerto Rico and Panama – to officially renounce, rescind, or refuse membership in the crumbling, tyrannical, and politically bankrupt collection of (formerly) United States of America. Long live lady Liberty, and huzzah.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

Republicans expand platform

Waiting for just the right mass-shooting or natural disaster to conceal its un-American and freedom-hating ways, the Republican Party in America (RePIA, pronounced “rape-ya”) plans to add to its presidential platform more sections based on the Christian bible. Said Paul Ryan, a religious extremist hoping to gain the vice presidency, at a press conference held at the Mexican border where a group of non-Christian Americans were being quietly banished from the land of their birth, “Once Mitt and I take the White House, you're gonna be seeing a lot fewer gays or women wearing pants around here, as we will be expelling or imprisoning anyone who does not adhere strictly to the old testament directives of YHWH, my personal, bloodthirsty god. Start reading Leviticus, today; if you find yourself violating any of its clearly-worded mandates – if you so much as look at another man's wife or think even the most tame of tainted thoughts – we'll dispatch the Faith Police to eradicate from the earth the last traces of your worldly passage.”

Abandoning Reason and ignoring fully our founding concepts of Liberty, Justice, and Equality, RePIA plans to revoke a woman's right to her body and to force girls – including victims of rape and incest – into risking their lives by carrying unwanted fetuses to term. Cowed into silence by a life-time of vituperative sermons and a religious text that demands they be treated in the manner of dumb and worthless beasts, upon hearing of RePIA's plans the women of America collectively left the room and found a nice quiet place to have a weep. “My youngest daughter slept with her boyfriend for the first time, last week,” said housewife Nancy Graise-Winstlomb, a meek woman from Yankton, South Dakota. “Now, with the Republicans banning marriage between persons of different faiths, I shall have to find a Christian man to marry her, but when he discovers that she has already lost her virginity, we'll have to stone her to death on our front porch, while the community watches. Good grief – we should have fled to Argentina when we had the chance.”

Interpreting into our founding documents mentions of the Christians' god, RePIA seems to have forgotten that there is no mention of Jesus, YHWH, Mary, Joseph, stray lambs, heaven, hell, Leviticus, or Deuteronomy in 99% the official correspondences of our founding persons, which include George Washington, John Adams, Thomas Jefferson, Abigail Adams, and Susan B. Anthony. “The opinions of Washington or Adams don't matter,” said Mitt Romney from atop a self-propelled, gilded, tax-payer-funded throne built on the ruins of the American companies that he has gutted and shipped off to distant free-economic-zones. “My advisers said that the Taliban's more dastardly and misogynistic tactics effectively controlled and subjugated the Afghani population, so Paul and I plan to put the worst parts of the Bible – the ones that were written for the Israelites, a desert-people who lived during the Bronze Age, five thousand years ago – we want to put those to work, right now, right here in America. Therefore, anyone who works on the Sabbath, who does not bathe correctly, who looks at or talks to a woman who is on her period, who eats impure meats such as pork, who curses his mother or father, or who dares to question the supremacy of the various church-fathers, those persons will be put to death by the explicit command of Jesus, YHWH, god – whatever you wanna call the Lord.” Pausing to glare at an area mother who was operating a passing motor-vehicle, the former Massachusetts governor wrote down the woman's license-plate number before continuing on, saying, “Shit, boys, I'm not even a Christian, but I'll pretend to be one in exchange for presidential power.”

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

a Catholic beating

Brazenly violating the teachings of her purported savior and the rules of common courtesy, a supposedly-pious area mother assaults and batters her own, unruly child. “We just can't control her anymore,” the mother is reported to have said. “She curses at us, complaining because we only listen to the Christian radio stations while driving in our car. I went to smack her on the mouth the other day, for saying something stupid and for using a bad word, and the child jerked away from my hand and tried to run away from me. What kind of little shit won't stand still and take her just licks? Incredible.”

Contrary to this news team's initial speculation, the woman's priest, an anal-retentive man with painfully fair skin and a disproportionately large food gut, was not troubled upon hearing about the woman's physical abusive of a child supposedly in his flock, saying, “YHWH gave that woman's husband absolute power over her and that child, but, since the husband is a spineless lightweight and the woman bore the child for nine months, squeezing it out of a tiny hole in her nether-regions, she has the right to discipline it as she sees fit, which, of course, includes smacking it on the mouth whenever she wants to. So long as she does not stop publicly praising Jesus and making regular donations at the church office, she could even kill the child without us so much as batting an eye; in fact, YHWH demands that parents kill unruly children.” (Leviticus 20:9)

Due to the ever-present threat of violence at home, the unruly child has been staying with her aunt and uncle, who do not beat children, since they are worthless fucking heathens. The abusive mother declined our request for interview, stating that she had to organize the next session of 40-days-for-life, a wearisome series of public protests during which the Catholic community labors to restrict a woman's right to her own body, attempting to codify the more radical Biblical teachings into law by legally banning such things as abortion, and birth-control. When cornered at a local discount retailer and asked – in light of her youngest child's severe mental retardation – if she would consider not having any more children to avoid making more handicapped babies, the 43-year-old woman began to scream uncontrollably, lashing out at anyone who came within her reach and babbling incoherently about religious freedom. When we explained to an inquisitive onlooker what was going on, he said, “Jesus tells us to do unto others as we would have done unto ourselves; I don't think he intended for some dumb bitch to discipline her kid by punching it in the face.”

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit

New Hampshire secedes

Last Tuesday, in Concord, the capital of this now-sovereign nation of 1.3 million individuals, the decision was announced to bow quietly out of the Union of American States. Initiated by a referendum in which 98% of the voting population supported secession (and inspired by New Hampshire's history as the first post-colonial sovereign nation in the Americas), the move comes at a time of increasing national and international doubt over the feasibility of the Union in general. During a brief ceremony completely devoid of fanfare, bluster, or celebration, the governor for the state, a Dr. Florentine B. Mistleblanch, declared, “For too long have we citizens of the once fine state of New Hampshire – and the now fine nation of Nu-Hemp-Sure – merely payed lip service to our motto, 'Live free or die.' Since all persons who are alive at this time will soon be totally and completely free of any and all outside interference, this shall cease to be just a slogan, and it will become a reality.”

Polls conducted in the wake of last fall's referendum showed that individuals living in this ex-state wanted nothing to do with such other states as North Carolina, a state that is currently in the process of passing laws to codify marriage according to hard-line Christian rules. (As of press-time, Christianity is merely one religion among many thousands of different religions practiced in America; it is neither the nation's founding religion nor its dominant religion.) Said governor Mistleblanch while unlocking her bicycle from a nearby stop-sign, “We don't want to be lumped together in the minds of the world with leaders seeking to overthrow reason; we do not care to associate with madmen looking to rule according to one – and only one – religious codex; and we want nothing to do with lunatics who abolish the principles of liberty and democracy by installing and maintaining theocratic rule. We invite the North Carolinians to do as they please, but we proud denizens of the Hempen-Shire want nothing to do with such crazy, freedom-destroying schemes.”

Nu-Hemp-Sure is the world's newest nation, and the fourth – following Canada, Puerto Rico, and Panama – to officially renounce, rescind, or refuse membership in the crumbling, tyrannical, and politically-corrupted collection of – formerly United – States of America.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

rain, devil's rain

Harvest Hope & Healing House (HH&HH) megachurch founder and head pastor Langdon Tinngle-Brace declared this morning from his perch high atop a glass-walled pulpit inlaid with gold and ivory that the faithful should avoid rain if at all possible, it being, “The work of the devil himself.” At the conclusion of his forty-minute sermon on the subject (during which two parishoners gave birth and one septuagenarian died), the Right Honorable Mister Tinngle-Brace, who answers only to his full title, said, “God's tears? Rain is not god's tears, nor is it Jesus' tears, nor is it the tears of those cute little baby angel cherubs that weep when they look down upon us and our sinful ways. No. No! You fine people out there staring up at me like good Christians, No! you avoid that rain; you run at the slightest sprinkle; you cover your head and cower in fear of the first sign of a debilitating and dastardly downpour. The devil is in them clouds, he makes the rain fall. It is the devil's very piddle that lies in puddles on our fine roads and that soaks and slithers its way into our bright and tender hearts.” Mr. Tinngle-Brace, being far too corpulent to walk and, besides, having worked himself into quite a lather, was hoisted from the pulpit by means of his personal Gilded Forklift of Heavenly Ascendancy.

Ushers were standing by as the service ended to hand out brochures for – and to funnel churchgoers into – an on-site information seminar about HH&HH's newest RV-park and retirement community in Roswell, New Mexico, where, according to the high-gloss, parchment-like pamphlets, the rains never fall.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

laurel of godlike achievement

  The founders of America were influenced primarily by two religions: Christianity and Hellenistic polytheism (see here). Our halls of government are festooned with plaques referencing the Christian texts (see here); let those same halls ring with praises for the people of this land who most readily display the virtues of those gods whose spirit filled the minds of Thomas Jefferson and his ilk.

  In the Christian tradition, achievements made by non-Christians are often ignored, swept under by the praises sung to individuals who have sacrificed solely for the cause of that religion, individuals who labored for what is considered, according that religion, positive change. The ancient Greeks, however, were not so partial to positivity – indeed, they preferred waiting to see how the chips would fall to the judging of actions based solely on how they helped to expand the scope of a particular religion.

  In the ancient Greek world, men who in battle displayed the guile, the strategic mind, the cunning, of goddess Athena were said to be the embodiment of that god, to be filled with her spirit. Great fashion designers were hailed as exhibiting the virtues of Arachne, the goddess of the seamstress, while skilled orators were said to be filled with the essence of Hermes, the god of public speaking.
  I hereby propose the creation of a group to determine, via a thorough and national vetting process, those Americans who in our times are most filled with the spirit of the Greek gods that so vastly influenced the founders of this nation.

  Great generals will receive the Laurel of the Owl and Shield for displaying heroic endeavor and cunning battle strategy, characteristics of goddess Athena.

  Great poets and authors will receive the Laurel of the Arrow and Lyre for displaying the poetry and truthfulness attributed to god Apollo.

  Great diplomats and merchants will receive the Laurel of the Winged Boot for exhibiting the diplomacy and cunning wiles attributed to god Hermes.

  Great societal disruptors and street artists will receive the Laurel of Helm and Spear for their civil disorder and manly courage, attributes they share with god Ares.

  Many other gods exist in the Olympian pantheon, and many more Laurels will be issued. The awards will be distributed in recognition of achievements that in any significant way affect the course of the nation, be they the actions of a spray-painting mad genius or the destruction of a Taliban outpost by special forces operatives dodging bullets in the torn landscape of Helmland province.

  The concept of the Laurel of Godlike American Achievement will celebrate people from all castes, all groups, all races, and all religions. It will allow the people to select from within their midst those individuals who exhibit the virtues we hold most dear, such as inventiveness, risk-taking, motherhood, and skateboarding where skateboarding is prohibited. It will whip the masses into a great churning froth of Happiness by giving them something to which to aspire, such as knowledge of the woodland arts (Artemis), metalworking and sculpture (Hephaestus), and the celebration of eternal youth (Dionysus), aspirations other than those based purely on the accumulation of capital or on the ability to repeat the same religious mantras for years on end.

  Your suggestions are welcome. Your readership is appreciated. Your hope springs eternal.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

American theocracy - 3

  The following are quotes from the founders of the United States of America:
   "Religious bondage shackles and debilitates the mind and unfits it for every noble enterprise." James Madison, 1774;
  "This would be the best of all possible worlds, if there were no religion in it." John Adams, in a letter to Thomas Jefferson;
  "The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." Benjamin Franklin, in Poor Richard's Almanac;
  "Fix reason firmly in her seat, and call on her tribunal for every fact, every opinion. Question with boldness even the existence of a God; because, if there be one, he must more approve of the homage of reason than that of blindfolded fear." Thomas Jefferson, 1787;
  "And the day will come, when the mystical generation [birth] of Jesus, by the Supreme Being as his father, in the womb of a virgin, will be classed with the fable of the generation [birth] of Minerva in the brain of Jupiter." Thomas Jefferson, in an 1823 letter to John Adams.

  The above statements were made by the individuals who created this nation. Similar quotes were made by George Washington, Thomas Paine, and Abraham Lincoln. The content and general message we can take from these quotes is that we were founded by men who shared a love for reason rather than men seeking the elevation of a particular religion. Never can we allow religious teaching to highjack our institutions of government: for to incorporate religious teachings amongst the laws and constitutions of our land would be to destroy the efforts of our founding fathers to create a nation of equal, rational, free-thinking, exceptional human beings.
  During a recent discussion, my counterpart stated that, The founding fathers were informed by Christianity; they drew from a common value system that was prevalent at the time. While this theory of osmotic religious indoctrination has some merit, I propose a theory that has perhaps equal merit. In the statements by Thomas Jefferson quoted above, we find two references to ancient Greek notions, namely Reason, and Athena (Minerva).
  If Christianity informed our founding fathers, and Jefferson foremost among them, then the polytheistic teachings and value systems of the authors of Hellenistic antiquity, who wrote such works as The Republic (Plato) and Politics (Aristotle), also informed our founding fathers. The notion of Reason – the fluid process of evaluation and decision-making by which man masters adversity – can be found in the writings of both Plato and Aristotle. The notion of goddess Athena – patroness of art, craft, guile, justice, strength, civilization, and wisdom – can also be found in the writings of these two men of old.
  Thomas Jefferson, an educated and well-read individual, in his crafting of the Declaration of Independence, drew upon the writings of the ancient political philosophers, and was sure to have been exposed considerably to the polytheistic notions of ancient times. And yet, when writing the Declaration, did he make mention of Zeus, or of any other gods from the Hellenistic pantheon? He makes no more mention of them than he does of YWH, the god of the Christians. If I were to stride into the Chambers of Congress and announce to those assembled that, since Greek deities informed our founding fathers, rites must be performed regularly to placate Poseidon, or to please Zeus, I would surely be laughed out of the room by all present. Congruently, any individuals entering said Chambers and demanding the observance of Christian rites is to be drowned out with raucous jesting.
  Our Constitution, in the first Amendment, states that no laws shall be passed that restrict the practice of, or that establish officially, any religion. This amendment gives the right to all who here dwell to practice their religion without fear of government repression or coercion. In my opinion, a person should be able to decide which god he or she should worship, which religion to practice, and what beliefs, however outlandish and outmoded they may seem to me, to hold. I rejoice in that freedom; I do not wish to see it ever taken from the people of this land. Efforts currently under way, however: to interfere with a woman's right to abort things growing in her private property, her body; to delineate the right to marry according to the religious tracts of one specific group; these efforts pose great risk to the first Amendment, to our Constitution, and to the foundations of this American republic.
  I applaud those individuals fighting against these efforts to abolish our core principles.
  I applaud the judges hearing these cases, and trust that they will approach the matter resplendent in the mantle of reason, their minds broad, their logic sound, knowing well of the dangers inherent to state-mandated religious doctrine.
  America, as a country, as a nation, as a concept, can only remain viable if it is founded on reason, justice, and the notion that all persons, regardless of class, creed, or color, can here find fertile grounds on which their dreams and aspirations may grow. If we allow even one snippet of religious code to find its way into our law, we will have failed our founding fathers by abandoning reason, and we will soon find ourselves in a barren and hostile wasteland rife with intolerance, and ruled by fear.
  This must not come to pass. Let us continue to fight – with patient voices and open minds – for the salvation of our nation.
  Stay true to our founding fathers: say NO to American theocracy.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

American theocracy - 1

  A dangerous effort is under way in these United States of America – the effort to define the concept of marriage, and its societal and legal ramifications, according to the code of a specific religion. If allowed to progress unopposed, this effort will abolish the concept of the separation of church and state as set forth in the U.S. Constitution. This effort is an assault on the liberty of the American people, and we can ill afford to further bind our nation to the tenets of one religion among the many that here persist. Just as we would not incorporate into our most hallowed documents the parameters of Shari'a law, or the teachings of Lord Krishna, we must not shackle ourselves to the strictures of the Christian religion, even though that religion is practiced by a relatively large portion of the U.S. population.

  For if these efforts were to succeed in binding the concept of marriage to the code of one specific religion, we would be forced to abide by all of Yahweh's clearly-stated mandates, including the one regarding the murder, in front of the father's house, of new wives found deflowered (Deuteronomy 22:20-21 NAB), mandates that would result in the abolition of Justice, the loss of the domestic Tranquility, and the nullification of the Blessings of Liberty – our code of laws would become subject to the whims of a blood-thirsty and destructive god with a long and well-documented history of genocide and mass murder (see the Midianites, and the denizens of Jericho, Sodom, and Gomorrah).

  George Washington and John Adams said, and the contemporary Congress agreed unanimously, “The government of the United States of America is not in any sense founded on the Christian Religion” (see the Treaty of Tripoli). These were more than idle words spoken in private, more than a backroom speech made to moneyed sycophants: these words were part of an official declaration made to a foreign government in hope of a future free of strife; they were written to placate the heated ire of another people by stating that we as a nation will not, under any circumstance, abandon rationality or assume to pass legislation based on the ethical code put forth by a god that demands loyalty above all, a god that ignores the balance of our needs and our desires, a god that seeks to rid us of the knowledge of a unifying and perpetual energy that lurks among the passions of our lives, a god that demands strict adherence to the myriad rules contained within the Christian bible, but one religious book among many.

  We are not a nation established on the concepts of one particular religion. We are a nation founded to establish Justice and to secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity. We do this by guiding our country, through legislative act, executive lunge, and judicial rule, via rational and lively debate, toward the emancipation of Happiness and Security among the People, not through rule of fear or codex, but through the application of our vast collective potential in service to all peoples of this land, not simply to a diminishing minority of the fabulously rich.

  Fight this impending American theocracy. If your governor prays to Jesus for an end to the woes facing your state, vote him out of office as soon as you can. If your Congresswoman claims to be guided by voices in her head that she thinks are her god, if she boasts of blind fealty to god and husband, write to her and demand she relinquish her post. There is room for faith in the hearts of the American people, but it must remain there and not pollute the halls of government – in those halls is room only for rational and measured debate focused on securing to ourselves and our Posterity the Blessings of Liberty.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

all equal under reason

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp