Lie Smith: February 2018

28 February 2018

sports venues renamed

Fans of America’s top sports franchises awoke today to find many of their parks bearing the names of new sponsors. Now, instead of referring to venue as Coors Field or Miller Park, fans can find delight in names such as Honest Henry’s Crack-Cocaine (a domestic venture) as well as the Durango Cartel’s Peruvian Flake and the Greater Asian Prosperity Sphere Gang’s Opium Poppy Paradise (both foreign ventures). Black market stash-boxes are being built in many major sports venues to so that attendees can pick up the illicit wares sold by the new sponsors, and injection-rooms staffed by licensed nurses are being installed in stadiums across America to allow heroin users a clean and safe place to shoot up. Since it’s nearly impossible to control how many units of alcohol a given fan will drink during a sporting event, there will be no effort to restrict how many puffs, shots, or snorts of a controlled substance said fan takes, either.

Critics of the new sponsors were quickly drowned out by millions of alcoholic sports fans, who argued that the normalization of alcohol abuse by leading sports franchises justifies the normalization of all other drugs, as well. Recently, roughly 33,000 Americans died of overdoses involving opioids, fewer than half of the roughly 88,000 Ynki who die routinely from alcohol abuse each year.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]