haiku 29 August 2017

ISIS terrorists
Are as dangerous as white,
Christian terrorists

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on preemptive pardonings

Fake president recently pardoned a former lawman from the Western states who once boasted proudly about having his own concentration camp. An apparent violation of the Due Process Clause of the Constitution, the pardoning of the sheriff was followed by a string of other pardons, these ones also flying in the face of decency. “Before the Mueller investigation harms the only people I love in the world, I hereby preemptively pardon my sons, my son-in-law, my daughters, my advisors, my lawyers, and any other people who might or might not have had contact with Russian agents seeking to assist in my trouncing of a certain female candidate, I don’t know.”

After speaking these words, fake president then bent to the apparently difficult task of signing the pardons, laboring to scrawl his full name on good paper using a fine pen but tiny, child-like hands. Due to his seeming lack of reading skills, he frequently asked aides to explain the meaning of words in the documents he was signing.

A fantastically flagrant overreach of power, fake president’s preemptive pardons will not trigger a Constitutional crisis; said antiquated text has been trampled on and openly violated since shortly after its inception. A dead document that no longer serves to inform the nation’s guiding principles or rein in executive power, the American people have done little to stop the Constitution from becoming a worthless souvenir.

[This is a work of satire; no part of it should be taken as a factual representation of events, statements, opinions, etc., of any persons living or deceased.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

ancient carvings found

High in a rain-shadowed valley of the western Yiptlong Massif were recently found mysterious carvings of unknown origin. Shielded from erosion due to the tall peaks surrounding them, which prevent all but the most fierce storms from releasing moisture therein, the rune-like carvings do not resemble anything remotely similar from Grigovia’s nearly three thousands of years of recorded history.

Located high up a basaltic cliff-wall on what might have once been a walking pass through the mountains, the runes are between ten and twenty thousands of years old, based on estimates gleaned from factors such as erosion levels and the presence of certain geochemical carbonates. “Sitting in the middle of central Asia and bordering Turkmenistan, Iran, and Afghanistan, our Glorious Republic has straddled human migration routes for longer than we can possibly imagine,” said Dr. Huirrya Thiussend, head of Indigenous Studies at the Grigovian National Museum.

Plans for the display, preservation, and study of the mysterious carvings include 3D laser imaging performed (and informative plaques mounted) on site as well as computer analysis of all relevant data done at nearby Pyltagrad State University’s Krukuv Center for Historical Studies.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

my sentiments exactly

‘This is the life,’ the drug dealer thought, pulling back on a hinged brass handle screwed into a row of others like it. A brownish, fermented, sugary fluid ran out of the nozzle attached to the handle, flowing into a freshly washed glass. Setting the now-full glass down on the copper counter erected for the purpose of giving the users of that particular drug somewhere upon which to rest their arms while using it, the drug dealer took cash in exchange for the addictive, mind-altering substance he’d just dealt.

The appearance of cleanliness was important to the drug dealer, wherefore he carefully wiped down a few meters of bar dirtied by customers who’d become slightly sloppy after using the habit-forming drug he peddled. The drunk people had left earlier - not because he’d kicked them out for shouting crassly or the other drug users had told them to leave for making racist comments but because they’d decided to keep taking drugs elsewhere. Such things happened often, and the dealer was used to it. He knew they’d be back. He sold them the junk they liked in an environment they enjoyed, and he pretended to listen to their problems, which made them repeat customers.

“This is the life,” slurred a middle-aged patron, holding up his glass of beer to admire its color under the tepid house lights, his back stooped and bent under the weight of decades of sadness and addiction, his skin fallow and eyes yellowish from early-onset liver failure. On the bar in front of the middle-to-end-phase addict was a packet of cheap, pre-rolled cigarettes and a cheap lighter, things he needed on his sprint to an early grave. The drug dealer, who was in the process of mixing a drink using a more refined and potent form of the life-shattering substance he got paid to sling, nodded encouragingly, saying, “My sentiments exactly.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

controversial statues removed

Amidst a general rising tide of white nationalist terrorism and, specifically, deadly acts committed by a neo Nazi in Charlottesville, VA, various city councils across America have decided to take down a number of controversial statues. Erected during a troubled period in the U.S. history known as Reconstruction, a few dozen bronze or copper statues honoring John Wilkes Booth were taken down in cities from St. Louis, MO, to Tallahassee, FL. “It’s a sad day in this country when someone who brought about such far-reaching change is no longer honored,” said president Trump whilst touring the dilapidated slave’s quarters of one of the South African gold mines he part owns. “Let’s let America’s history stand, not try to altar [sic] it.”

J.W. Booth statues first started appearing in predominantly Southern cities during a time when it was popular to publicly celebrate the traitorous and murderous act of shooting a sitting president in the back of the head. “What he did wasn’t wrong,” said one leader of a white supremacist group who asked not to be named. “Race traitors deserve what they get.”

Controversy is brewing around the continued display of statues honoring other (often quasi-) historical figures of questionable merit, such as Pennsylvania’s Rocky Balboa (a fictional character); New York’s bull, near Wall Street; as well as Illinois’s Popeye and Dick Tracy. “There are enough actual human beings who did positive or beneficial things for this nation, in whose honor we could erect statues,” said via email a spokesperson for Americans for the Reduction of Hatred and Ignorance in Public Life, a think-tank. “I mean, come on. It’s 2017 - time to stop celebrating murderous traitors and fake celebrities.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on punishing Nazis

A group of four American tourists (of mostly European descent) found taunting and attempting to urinate on a monument to Grigovia’s resistance to Nazism during the 1940s has been apprehended by elderly bystanders. The four had attempted to desecrate the ‘Heroes of Anti-Fascism’ stela in downtown Pryaghdoyest after consuming many liters of local beer at a nearby publick house. According to eyewitnesses they then stumbled out into the streets chanting ‘USA’ and uttering scatological utterances and derogatory terms for African-Americans. While singing a poor rendition of the Horst-Wessel song, half of the men raised their hands in a fascist salute while the others prepared to void their bowels.

A pair of former librarians came across the group as it was trying to mount the monument. Two of the men had dropped their pants, crudely exposing their genitals, at which point the retired women overwhelmed them physically then kept them subdued until police arrived. The men have been charged with attempted desecration of a nationally recognized memorial as well as Nazi sympathizing, the latter being a serious crime that carries the death sentence.

The men’s trial by jury has been set for two weeks hence.
“Given recent events in America’s southern state of Virginia, we believe that these men should not be sent home but punished to the full extend of our laws,” said Dr. Tharr Hannesst, state’s attorney for the southern district of Grigovia. “Given their violent public behavior as well as the files and reading materials we found in their hotel rooms and laptops, these men appear to be neo-Nazis. We learned in the past that Nazis, be they old or new, cannot be reasoned with - they must be destroyed.” Similar cases indicate that the Americans’ execution will commence by drowning.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

haiku 15 August 2017

Houses of cardstock
Collapsing in unison.
Why this suffering?

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

foreigners gain liberty

In what some are calling a dire blow to America’s cultural heritage, the White House today approved a controversial deal to sell the property known as Independence National Historical Park to a consortium owned in part by investors from Saudi Arabia and Macau. “We’re excited to maximize the profit potential of our new investment,” said Ibn Faik alMaz’zoud, spokesperson for the consortium, speaking from the steps of the former government property, in downtown Philadelphia. “Entrance fees to the site will rise in accordance with increased security and a shared desire to keep out all but the best and most economically-viable visitors.”

Other historical sites up for sale are the Gettysburg battlefield in central Pennsylvania, George Washington’s birthplace in Virginia, as well as Battery Park in New York City. Various monuments in country’s western states are being considered for increased ore and mineral extraction, to the delight of lobbying groups and mining companies hungry to profit from the sale of soil-bound resources, which since the nation’s inception have belonged to all Americans, equally.

“We can’t have this stuff just sitting around costing America money,” said a White House staffer speaking (leaking) on condition of anonymity. “The more we can shift upkeep, tour guiding, maintenance, hauling, and extraction tasks to corporations - foreign or domestic, it’s all the same - the more cash America will have on hand to do things like launch cruise missile strikes on Syrian villages and give tax breaks to wealthy citizens.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Child Pioneers adulthood ritual

As planned beforehand, the ritual lasted into the early morning hours. The Grigovian Child Pioneers being rotated periodically out of the Circle of Judgement so as to be allowed to catch their breath noticed fewer and fewer lights shining in the shimmering cities dotting the valley below. While in the circle, they carried heavy weights and tried to dodge thick ropes dangling from wooden structures overhead that were being swung at them by their instructors. The day before, they had been on the move for nearly the entire period of daylight, stopping only for a short lunch during the hottest part of the day. The day before that, they had learned skills of archery, knife-fighting, and some hand-to-hand grappling and striking moves.

Before they knew it, the hands of the clock had passed two after midnight, at which moment they were ordered to get in line and shut their eyes. Instructors then tied blindfolds to their faces before leading each young person, one by one, into a large tent erected nearby. Once all of them were seated on blankets inside, the instructors started banging on drums and chanting in an ancient Grigovian tongue while one of them, dressed all in black with a frightening mask tied to his head, walked around growling at the children and yelling at them to sit up straight.

Adulthood rituals are no laughing matter, and the organizers of Grigovian Child Pioneer Company 2.2 (W), Pyltagrad City / Village of Border Heights, knew their business. Properly preparing children - especially boys - for the rigors and expectations of adulthood was a task the nation had learned not to leave up to chance, or happenstance. After days of strenuous exercise and patient coaching from their leaders, the boys and girls were near the breaking point, physically and emotionally. Joining the Child Pioneers was not mandatory, but a majority of Grigovian parents encouraged their children to do it, mostly because the benefits far outweighed the possible drawbacks. Sure, some kids broke bones, occasionally, and almost all had to deal with scrapes and bruising, but these annoyances were a small price to pay for a lifelong sense of purpose, identity, and self-respect.

The drums fell silent, and the children were told to remove their blindfolds. In the corner, they saw the masked man lurking, his face illuminated by a handheld torch, which frightened them slightly. He laughed at first a cackle, which quickly became more human, and kind, whereupon he removed his mask and threw back the folds of the tent, bowing forward to usher the children outside. As they emerged, their leaders applauded them and handed each child a black bandana as well as a cup of hot herbal tea sweetened with local honey. After being informed that they had passed their tests and could now join (with their parent’s permission, of course) the ranks of the Teenage Pioneer divisions, the eleven and twelve year-olds limped off to their tents, where they were soon sleeping soundly.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

ones not uniform

The forest was broad and wide, a nearly uniform collection of pines swaying in wind and breeze. Stretching, it seemed, from sea to shining sea, the forest covered fertile and sandy ground, rocky shores and freezing wastes alike.

Here and there stood clumps and clusters of trees unlike the others, however, ones not uniform, ones with different types of bark and shapes of leaf or seed. Ones that responded differently to different types of weather. Ones that had different ideas about whether or not the land should be covered with one kind of tree, mostly. Ones that saw each tree in the forest as an individual unto itself, not as a member of a distinctive or pre-ordained race.

Outwardly, the pines tolerated those not uniform. Inwardly, the pines secretly hoped that soon - as soon as possible, in fact - the different trees would die off and let a gently swaying pine grow where they’d once stood.

Then came gnawing beetles, pine-tree-eating insects that tore through those uniform stands what stretched from sea to shining sea, eating away at their trunks, devouring their crowns, infesting their roots, causing much havoc and destruction. Afterward, the few pine trees left standing were ones surrounded by or living next to those trees of different types, whose leaves and seeds weren’t uniform. ‘Now we know the importance of diversity,’ the pines agreed, their voices soft as verdant needles falling. ‘Let us all live densely together, we trees of different types, now and forever more, until the starlight fails.’

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

her fellow deities

A thousand voices cried out in dismay, only to be suddenly silenced. A thousand hopes died, suffocated by some hasty, errant tweeting.

There was little that Nuuzstathena could do to lessen suffering in America; hers were the people of Grigovia, and of Gar Nuuzsh; she was honorbound to stay by their side.
Here she rocked a baby, there she soothed heartbreak, all the while holding space within her bosom for him Ynki, whose pleas and lamentations ricocheted throughout the firmament, upsetting gods and goddesses alike.

‘Is there no hand left to dry their tears, no force that might help them escape the darkness they have brought upon themselves?’ Nuuzstathena asked her fellow deities during the heavenly council she’d convened.
‘You know as well as we do, Nuat,’ said a floating, sticky cell-phone dripping with sickly effluence, ‘that Americans are stubborn and excitable people who will run against walls until they break through or fall down.’
‘The imbalance will right itself in due course, fair goddess,’ assured her an impossibly skinny, shadowy figure who was shaped like a door ajar. ‘Ignore it, if you can.’

A coalition of merciful goddesses agreed to share the burden of Ynki grief - but only from afar, and only as long as it threatened to snap the world-tree’s trunk.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

merry sticky Xmas

A troupe calling itself the Washington D.C. Icebound Extreme Dancers (IED) is looking for a venue to house its production of the wintertime tale of Ebenezer Scrooge, from Charles Dickens’s ‘A Christmas Carol’. An adult-only, x-rated take on the classic childhood favorite, the IED production is being shopped around under the working title of The Explosive Redemption of Ebenezer Splooge.

Marketing the production has proven difficult, given Americans’ dislike for public mentions of sexuality and a nearly universal lack of interest in watching ice-skating people have sex. IED is open to the community’s suggestions, and concerns.

Despite a handful of lawsuits, the troupe insists that the production is not porography but high art.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

‘manly’ car unveiled

In an apparent effort to stand out in a market saturated with look-alike models that readily conform to government standards for comfort and safety, ### ### announced today the 2018 release of the ### Torment. 

Featuring front and rear bench-seating made from jagged plywood, a steering wheel and stick-shift of shoddily welded pig-iron, no seatbelts, no airbags, and a front dash covered with hastily cured fiberglass panels, the Torment is expected to attract consumers looking to eschew comfort for a sense of backwoods ruggedness. A leaf-spring suspension and supercharged V12 engine round out the two-door Torment’s ensemble, ensuring it has too much speed and too few safety measures to keep its driver or passengers alive for long.

Buyers of the Torment will be required to sign a waiver excusing ### ### from any and all liability. For customers interested in treating wounds caused by the vehicle, the deluxe Torment T1 model comes with a first-aid kit made up of a packet of fast-setting tar, a wooden applicator stick, a single roll of cotton bandages, and a jar of castor oil.

[The manufacturer’s name has been removed upon request. (This is a work of satire.)]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan