Dahmer pardoned posthumously

In an apparent attempt to appease the sex offenders in his base, fake U.S. president Shrimp issued a pardon for serial rapist and child molestor Jeffrey Dahmer, the Milwaukee Cannibal, who died in 1994. “I wish Jeff were alive today,” said Shrimp, who signed the pardon while surrounded by affluent fake pastors and televangelists, some of whom had themselves been convicted of various sex-related offenses. “He was so efficient and good at what he did I’d probably appoint him to tackle Child Welfare, or something. I don’t know.”

Pundits worry that fake U.S. president Shrimp lost his mind long ago and is now merely copying a senile old racist he saw on a TV show during the 1970s.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

transgender troopers welcomed

The Grigovian Self-Liberation and Defense Forces (SLDF) proudly announced the formation of its first Ynki Transgender Brigade (YTB) composed primarily of skilled warriors fleeing persecution by the fake president of the United States of America. Their official welcoming ceremony was hosted by all three presidents of the Grigovian national people’s assembly, each of whom is directly elected to an eight-year term by a majority of eligible voters.

Members of the YTB are undergoing extensive combat, language skills, and vocational training to help them transition to their new roles as Guardians of the Yiptlong Massif. Housed among local citizens in an effort to help them learn the customs followed by and duties expected of the average Grigovian, members of the YTB will serve in various roles, among them counter-terrorism, electronic warfare, counter-imperialism, counter-espionage, territorial defense, and bi-monthly community service.

“We’re overjoyed to embrace individuals who wish to serve the public welfare but are forbidden to by short-sighted and hateful policies enacted by a petty and misguided bumwad,” said Lieutenant General Dr. Yosephin T. Ignesh, commander of the Foreign Born Warriors relations for the SLDF. “As the text on the base of our statue Liberty Enlightening the World puts forth, we live according to the notion that ours is a land where the poor, the hungry, the tired masses yearning to breathe freely can finally find refuge, hope, peace, and purpose. Transgender persons are always welcome in the Grigovia armed forces.” Arriving Ynki expressed optimism about serving a nation that has never invaded another sovereign state to support corporate profits.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on preemptive pardonings

Fake president recently pardoned a former lawman from the Western states who once boasted proudly about having his own concentration camp. An apparent violation of the Due Process Clause of the Constitution, the pardoning of the sheriff was followed by a string of other pardons, these ones also flying in the face of decency. “Before the Mueller investigation harms the only people I love in the world, I hereby preemptively pardon my sons, my son-in-law, my daughters, my advisors, my lawyers, and any other people who might or might not have had contact with Russian agents seeking to assist in my trouncing of a certain female candidate, I don’t know.”

After speaking these words, fake president then bent to the apparently difficult task of signing the pardons, laboring to scrawl his full name on good paper using a fine pen but tiny, child-like hands. Due to his seeming lack of reading skills, he frequently asked aides to explain the meaning of words in the documents he was signing.

A fantastically flagrant overreach of power, fake president’s preemptive pardons will not trigger a Constitutional crisis; said antiquated text has been trampled on and openly violated since shortly after its inception. A dead document that no longer serves to inform the nation’s guiding principles or rein in executive power, the American people have done little to stop the Constitution from becoming a worthless souvenir.

[This is a work of satire; no part of it should be taken as a factual representation of events, statements, opinions, etc., of any persons living or deceased.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

controversial statues removed

Amidst a general rising tide of white nationalist terrorism and, specifically, deadly acts committed by a neo Nazi in Charlottesville, VA, various city councils across America have decided to take down a number of controversial statues. Erected during a troubled period in the U.S. history known as Reconstruction, a few dozen bronze or copper statues honoring John Wilkes Booth were taken down in cities from St. Louis, MO, to Tallahassee, FL. “It’s a sad day in this country when someone who brought about such far-reaching change is no longer honored,” said president Trump whilst touring the dilapidated slave’s quarters of one of the South African gold mines he part owns. “Let’s let America’s history stand, not try to altar [sic] it.”

J.W. Booth statues first started appearing in predominantly Southern cities during a time when it was popular to publicly celebrate the traitorous and murderous act of shooting a sitting president in the back of the head. “What he did wasn’t wrong,” said one leader of a white supremacist group who asked not to be named. “Race traitors deserve what they get.”

Controversy is brewing around the continued display of statues honoring other (often quasi-) historical figures of questionable merit, such as Pennsylvania’s Rocky Balboa (a fictional character); New York’s bull, near Wall Street; as well as Illinois’s Popeye and Dick Tracy. “There are enough actual human beings who did positive or beneficial things for this nation, in whose honor we could erect statues,” said via email a spokesperson for Americans for the Reduction of Hatred and Ignorance in Public Life, a think-tank. “I mean, come on. It’s 2017 - time to stop celebrating murderous traitors and fake celebrities.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

asshole bloggers honored

An exclusive crowd of Internet trolls, gaslighters, and shit-posters gathered today at a prestigious hotel in Washington D.C. for the first annual Donald J. Trump Internet Bullying Awards (IBA). In attendance were some of the most vitriolic living persons to ever log onto Facebook, 4chan, Reddit, Twitter, and Tumblr.

Many award recipients - fearful of being confronted in real life for their Online shenanigans - chose to attend virtually rather than in person, watching the event through encrypted connections and sharing their opinions in dedicated, invite-only chat rooms. The award for Most Dramatic Drive to Suicide went (in absentia) to M. C., a young lady recently convicted for apparently convincing her former boyfriend to kill himself. 

The award IBA was set up in honor of America’s 45th president, himself a shameless gaslighter who spends his time not focused on solving the nation’s economic ills or defeating Daesh (ISIS) but on trolling journalists and his fellow minor celebrities with hate-filled, fake-news shitposts. Mr. Trump was nominated for the prestigious Online Bully of the Year award, losing however to a racist teenage virgin from West Virginia.


americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

experienced actors wanted

A major American news outlet is seeking actors to film scripted segments for its coverage of the Syrian conflict. Prior military training preferred, but no special language skills required; the opposition currently fighting the rule of Bashar al-Assad is nearly entirely foreign-born. Depending on the timetable for illegal U.S. involvement in the struggle taking place in Syria, a sovereign foreign nation, actors may be expected to sign contracts lasting more than 1 year. Non-disclosure is mandatory for participation. After Damascus has been bombed to rubble, employment opportunities may become available with al-Qaida, a paramilitary terrorist organization rumored to be run by the federal government of the United States of America. Persons wishing to participate in misleading and lying to the trustworthy people of the world should run a Google-searh on “potluck trampoline breakwater” (without the quotation marks), wait 8 minutes, then make the mark of the beast on their front doors. Armed federal agents will arrive within the hour, black-bag and hogtie the applicant, and transport him forthwith to mock-ups of the Syrian countryside being constructed deep in the deserts of California.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

payment also faked

As a nod to a singing performance that Beyoncé Knowles faked, the 2013 Presidential Inauguration Committee decided to fake her payment. “It was immediately obvious that the performer did not sing the song we had hired her to sing, and that, instead, she had payed a sound-recording engineer to play a tape of her singing the song we had hired her to sing with her mouth,” said White House special events coordinator Geraldeen Vorburgwall, in a telephone interview. “Therefore, we have faked the deposit of a fake sum of money into her otherwise massively swollen bank accounts. Fair is fair.“

News of Ms. Knowles' chicanery sparked both praise and indignation. According to 18 year-old Floridian Vehdnu Morangutan, the performer is, “So fabulous, and she wears such nice clothes, and her hair looks so great, and she just sang for the first president of recent African descent, so why y'all trying to hate?” Other individuals with whom we spoke were less kind. “Some people maintain such low levels of self-esteem that they don insufficient clothing in sub-zero weather in order to lie to the American people with extraordinary pomp and bluster,” said unemployed electrician Kazi Ishomuri, 47, of Baton Rouge, LA. “If Beyoncé is incapable of singing even under mildly adverse conditions, if she cannot muster the hubris to risk even a slight mistake whilst supposedly honoring our nation, why the deuce was she hired in the first place? This whole thing is a joke.” Beyond the young lady's deceit, the overall cost of the event stoked ire. “A hundred and seventy millions dollars of good money spent to have a man say something he had already said three times before?” said Oludunda Erak, 24, of Brooklyn, NY. “If Mr. Obama had spent that money on a scholarship for children of fallen American soldiers, or to establish a fund to study and cure the effects of homelessness among veterans, we the People would all be better off. But wasting it on a parade, a singer who doesn't sing, some bleachers, and a band? What the fuck is going on in this country?”

Ms. Knowles scheduled a press conference to address the matter. Instead of showing up and speaking to the assembled reporters, however, she had someone else play a recording of her offering a faked explanation of why she could not sing when Kelly Clarkson could.

mentiri factorem fecit © 場黑麥