transgender troopers welcomed

The Grigovian Self-Liberation and Defense Forces (SLDF) proudly announced the formation of its first Ynki Transgender Brigade (YTB) composed primarily of skilled warriors fleeing persecution by the fake president of the United States of America. Their official welcoming ceremony was hosted by all three presidents of the Grigovian national people’s assembly, each of whom is directly elected to an eight-year term by a majority of eligible voters.

Members of the YTB are undergoing extensive combat, language skills, and vocational training to help them transition to their new roles as Guardians of the Yiptlong Massif. Housed among local citizens in an effort to help them learn the customs followed by and duties expected of the average Grigovian, members of the YTB will serve in various roles, among them counter-terrorism, electronic warfare, counter-imperialism, counter-espionage, territorial defense, and bi-monthly community service.

“We’re overjoyed to embrace individuals who wish to serve the public welfare but are forbidden to by short-sighted and hateful policies enacted by a petty and misguided bumwad,” said Lieutenant General Dr. Yosephin T. Ignesh, commander of the Foreign Born Warriors relations for the SLDF. “As the text on the base of our statue Liberty Enlightening the World puts forth, we live according to the notion that ours is a land where the poor, the hungry, the tired masses yearning to breathe freely can finally find refuge, hope, peace, and purpose. Transgender persons are always welcome in the Grigovia armed forces.” Arriving Ynki expressed optimism about serving a nation that has never invaded another sovereign state to support corporate profits.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

sway the vote

“It’s an eyesore, a blight on our city, which not many of our citizens enjoy,” said an older council member who’d received a handful of complaints from his affluent neighbors. “Therefore, I propose we keep allocating funds to get rid of it.” A few of his younger colleagues knew that it drew people to the city and gave it an authentic and inimitable character. They disagreed with him, but there were too few of them to sway the vote.

And, so, New York City joined a thousand other municipalities across the United States and fitted out squads of workers with paint rollers and long-handled scrapers. They loosed the workers on up-and-coming parts of town, giving them license to paint over, deface, scrape off, and otherwise remove the vast collections of street art that had theretofore covered otherwise blank and underutilized street poles. The workers attacked ten thousand and one unique examples of cunning artistic expression deemed mere trash by a group of disconnected bureaucrats who cared not for the creative potency of Big Apple denizens.

The workers scraped and sprayed and rollered, destroying countless pieces of the city’s unique cultural heritage. Adding insult to injury, the city council had not even had the decency, poise, or foresight to at least take pictures of said priceless works of art before having them trashed. In the wake of the art desecration squads, the city lay bare, raped of its color, efficiently monetized, franchised, and sterilized for the benefit of profits-hungry corporations. New York City’s street-side art museums are dying at the hands of her elected officials, and the world is a less beautiful place for it.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

corporate shrine opens

After more than 130 years of planning and construction, the immortal quasi-entity known as the American Telephone and Telegraph company (AT&T) proudly opened its first officially sanctioned religious shrine. Half of the funds used to build the shrine came from a special federal tax credit granted in 1946 and renewed every years since then thanks to intensive lobbying efforts.

Nestled into a grove of lacebark elm and desert willow on the western edge of the corporation’s sprawling Dallas campus, the glass and steel structure was blessed by company monks in a three-day ceremony that ended 4 April 2017. To commemorate the government-sanctioned monopoly over communications that AT&T has enjoyed throughout most of its existence, and as an expression of thanks for the many favors and gifts they have received for allowing said monopoly to continue, all members of both the U.S. Congress and Senate unanimously declared 4 April a national holiday - Your World - Delivered © Day As Brought To You By AT&T. (The name is the holiday is subject to change according to the whim and fancy of said corporation’s marketing department.)

The shrine features kneeling cushions as well as benches for sitting. Its inner wooden walls are adorned with images of the company’s various logos, which it has changed over the years to signify not only its fantastic might but also its anti-free-market, artificial, un-American dominance over domestic and international channels of communication. Persons seeking to pray at the shrine and worship the holy corporate iconography should wear closed-toed shoes and dress appropriately - women in blouses and dresses that cover the ankle; men in button-down long-sleeved shirts and slacks. The faithful should arrive before the crack of dawn in order to be assured a spot at which to genuflect before the omniscient and immortal corporate entity that is AT&T.

[This article is satire; no part of it is intended to be taken as a factual representation of any corporation, entity, notion, party, person or persons, living, dead or immortal.]

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥

Grigovia bans junk

In solidarity with Bolivia (see here) and other countries that actively care for the health of their citizens, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced today it will ban unhealthy fast food. The country has set aside a portion of next year's expected export duties to buy back retail locations owned by chain restaurants such as MacDoorknob's and Bugger Cling and turn them into Centers for Communal Creativity, Activity, & Defense (CCCAD). This newest action against the incessantly creeping forces of corporatized cultural degradation was approved by a large majority of voters during the General People's Decision of 2012, a directly-democratic electoral process similar to the Swiss model during which the Grigovian citizenry decides how to shape its own future. “From now on,” said Orgyast Heidoyiest, deputy Minster of Cultural Affairs in the country's lower of two houses of parliament, “Grigovia will no longer foster the model of conglomerated chain food factories that answer to a board of well-to-do, hard-nosed foreign executives whose primary goal is to increase their own wealth and the stock returns of their rich investors.” The culinary world celebrated the news. “Finally, we are ridding ourselves of the faceless corporate leeches,” said Xi Hong-Deng, a naturalized Grigovian citizen and part owner (with his wife) of Feng Fang Fong, which serves locally sourced Pan Asian cuisine. “Now we can start the process of healing the children of this land using healthy and nutritious foods made with love and dedication instead of poisoning their little bodies with preservative-laden slop engineered to make them addicted to sugar-packed milkshakes, mechanically-separated chicken pucks, and lard-dipped strings of starchy potato-like product.” Critics argue that Grig's own culinary specialty, called tchuirff, a pastry made with acorn flour, goose meat, and sharp curry, is on average higher in calories and fat than nearly any single item on the menu at the leading fast-food chains, until they consider the long history of this local delicacy and the low levels of liver disease, diabetes, and heart disorders that existed before fast food was allowed to contaminate the guts of the Grigovian people.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

declaration of corporate supremacy

  When in the course of pursuing Profits it becomes necessary to formulate the rules by which the people shall live, and to remind them for whom it is they toil, We, the assembled Capitalists and Corporations headquartered in but not paying taxes to these united states of America, ignoring of the opinions of mankind, declare that the economic well-being of our Executive Boards and Voting Members by far outweighs the people's constitutional right to safety and happiness. The original declaration of independence, that document upon which the united states was founded, those words that failed to grant mankind the right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, that scroll is a dead and worthless document – its declaration of unalienable rights is null and void, and its ability to define the role of government as the sole agent charged with making the American people safe and happy was long ago buried under heaping shit-piles of our Avarice and Greed.

  We enforce through police action the following Truths: that a few hundred thousand Americans shall receive the most of the profits generated by all of the other Americans working hard every day; that We have the right to speculate with and to put at risk of loss the monies entrusted to us by the people, and that We shall be safe behind our high walls when our speculations fail and millions lose their hard-won gains, our ill-begotten riches guaranteed and protected for us by the federal government; that our risky businesses shall in cases of bankruptcy and financial failure receive unlimited financial bailouts from the federal government; that We shall profit from the sale of drugs such as alcohol and tobacco that are legally available to the people, drugs that kill them by the hundreds of thousands and that maim them by the millions.

  Additionally, We hold: that imprisoning individuals in for-profit prisons that We own and run for the crime of consuming drugs other than those that we sell is proper government practice; that the federal government should wage endless war against unseen foes (see the war on terror) in order for us to manufacture, develop, and sell it arms and weaponry, even though We know that the only sure way to win these wars would be to force everyone on Earth into concentration camps and to forcibly lobotomized them there; that We shall through unscrupulous and otherwise fraudulent advertising convince the people that unbridled consumerism and unchecked personal debt are the bedrock of the American dream, and that Happiness does not grow from within or that it is not a fragile state of mind that blossoms from patience and self-understanding but that it is something you cram into your wallet or pocket-book, something that you spend in our shopping plazas, something that you spend on useless items that are little more than clutter.

  Furthermore, We declare: that it was our patriotic duty to abandon the American manufacturing sector in favor of foreign shores, and that We served the motherland well by sacrificing the jobs of millions of our countrymen to boost our Profit-Margins; that We shall force children to work as slave-laborers in free-economic-zones located around the globe; that We have bestowed upon the unemployed American citizen the privilege of buying cheap goods that break soon after they are first used; that We have the Right, regardless of the complaints of tree-hugging hippies, to rape and to destroy the land for short-term gain, to poison the streams with runoff from our mines, to clear-cut the once-great forests for export, and to pump the animals We sell you as food full of steroids and antibiotics rather than to provide them with clean and open places in which to live out their short and pathetic lives; that We have willingly and to vast personal profit rejuvenated the methods of the ancient Romans for controlling the lower classes by providing them with bread (fast food) and circuses (television), methods that keep the human rabble blessedly quiet and contented throughout its pitiful and mostly worthless lives; that We shall run our corporate societies not as democracies but as totalitarian fiefs while convincing our workers that through hard and dedicated labor they might reach the highest rungs of our bogus organizations, while, in reality, they shall, after infighting, backstabbing, and reckless self-promotion, find themselves flung out into the cold, the pathways to our fleeting and hollow ranks closed to all but a most rapacious and lustful Few.

  At no point in the long yet subtle process of making a mockery of this once great nation did We pause to consider that by appropriating this nation's wealth we would violate the Constitutional directive of promoting the general Welfare, although, by funneling the collective wealth of all Americans into the pockets of our cronies and fellow oligarchs, We shall secure the Blessings of Liberty to Ourselves and to Our Posterity, not to all Americans equally, but to those who have, as we have, dutifully sacrificed their sacred Honor on the altar of the Insatiable Hag of Materialism, to those who have shat, as we have shat, upon the once-grand notion of Liberty and Justice for All. We have stopped our ears to the Voice of Justice, preferring rather the comforting Shriek of Lies. We rejoice in the violation of the flimsy protections once but no longer afforded the America people by the Constitution.

  All this We pledge, and more: We have the means to lobby the Legislature for our own gain; We have the money with which to live comfortably for ten lifetimes even though millions of American children go to bed hungry each night; We have convinced the people that consumption is preferable to ingenuity, that watching TV is preferable to creative expression or the telling of stories, and that the formula for happiness starts with a dollar sign and ends in a decimal point. We, therefore, the capitalists and corporations headquartered symbolically in these united states, Assembled, appealing to none but our Majority Share-holders, by our own authority and the might of our wrongly appropriated wealth, brazenly Publish and Declare, that this Country belongs to Us now, that the dream of a more perfect Union has no place in the world of top-few-capitalism, that 99% of all Americans shall toil ceaselessly to make us, those of the remaining One Percent, rich beyond reckoning, that government is instituted not to secure the Rights of the people but to satisfy the whims of the Few, and that the people may neither alter nor abolish the system of federal government that long ago forsook and abandoned them in order to satisfy the needs of its wealthiest few subjects, and that it is too late to change things now, because the people waited too long to act out against our blatant and flagrant transgressions.

  So suck it, you hard-working American fools, and while you are sucking it good and hard, remember that you long ago gave up those inalienable rights that your ancestors fought and died to secure for you.

  Signed, this Wednesday in 2012, by

  GFYS

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

on a new preamble

  As the citizens of America already suffer daily of the effects of the corporation-oriented, profit-at-all-cost form of capitalism that currently rules their country, the preamble to the U.S. Constitution shall from now on read:

  We who control the most wealthy and powerful organizations in the history of mankind, we the all-powerful Corporate Executives, in order to silence Dissent, sidestep Justice, appropriate for ourselves the wealth of the Commons, and secure for Ourselves and Our offspring alone the Blessings of Liberty, do declare that the federal government is to us financial life-raft, attack-dog, and sniveling underling, that rules and laws do not apply to us (and if they were to, that we have the money to buy a way out of trouble), and that we shall not give up our privileges without a fight (which we would win, since we have the money to bury a motherfucker like you ten times over).

  Spes Mea In Ratio Est - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

happy evacuation day

  On this 25th of November, let us celebrate the last British forces to leave new york city at the end of the American war for independence, and refrain from needlessly spending money at corporate shopping locations. jp

  場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

declaration of corporate supremacy

  When in the course of pursuing profits it becomes necessary to remind the People for whom it is they toil, and to formulate the rules by which they shall lead their lives, we, the assembled capitalists and corporations headquartered in these United States (but by no means necessarily operating here), only occasionally and perfunctorily respectful to the Opinions of Mankind, declare that the economic well-being of our executive boards and voting members by far outweighs the Right of the People to Safety and Happiness. The original Declaration of Independence, that document upon which the United States was founded, those words that might have given mankind the right to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness, is, and has for some time now been, a dead and forgotten document, its declaration of unalienable rights null and void, its formulation of the core principle of the role of government - to bring about the Safety and the Happiness of the People - ground to dust under the jack-boot of our Capitalistic Greed.

  We hold these Lies to be enforceable through police action: that a small percentage of Americans should by rights reap the profits generated by the labor of who work in this country and across the known world; that we have the right to speculate and to risk the invested monies of those Americans stupid enough to have entrusted us with their savings, and, when our speculations fail and millions of Americans lose their hard-won gains, to be safe and secure in our gated communities, our ill-begotten money protected by the federal government, our risky businesses kept from failing by the taxes paid by the very people whom we had hoodwinked originally; that we shall profit from the sale of drugs, such as alcohol and tobacco, that are legally available to the People, drugs that kill them by the hundreds of thousands and maim them by the millions, while supporting the persecution and the imprisonment of the People in for-profit penitentiaries owned and run by us, for the crime of consuming drugs not to our liking, such as marijuana, drugs that have no discernible negative affect on their health or on their Happiness; that the US government should wage un-winnable wars against faceless foes (see the "war on terror") so that we may continue to manufacture, develop, and sell arms and weaponry, wars that might be won only if every person on Earth were placed in concentration camps and lobotomized forcibly; that we have the Right, through unscrupulous and down-right false advertising, to convince the People that unbridled consumption and unchecked personal debt are the bedrock of the American Dream, that Happiness does not grow from within, that it is not a fragile state of mind that blossoms from patience and self-understanding, but that it is something we cram into our wallets and pocket-books, that we spend in our shopping plazas, that we waste on useless items that supposedly make life easier but that constitute little more than clutter; that it was our patriotic duty to abandon the American manufacturing sector for foreign shores, sacrificing the jobs of millions of our countrymen to boost our profit-margins, allowing children across the Pacific Rim to work as slave-laborers in free-economic-zones so that unemployed Americans could buy cheap goods that break soon after the first use; that we have the Right, regardless of the complaints of tree-hugging hippies, to rape and destroy the land for short-term gain, to poison the streams with runoff from our mine, to clear-cut the once-great forests for export, and to pump the animals we slaughter for food full of steroids and antibiotics instead of providing them with clean and open places in which to live out their short and pathetic lives; that we have willingly and to vast personal profit rejuvenated the methods of the ancient Romans for controlling the lower classes by providing them with bread (fast food) and circuses (television), methods that poison the body and the mind but that keep the rabble blessedly quiet and contented throughout their pitiful and mostly worthless lives; that we will run our corporate societies, not as democracies, but as totalitarian fiefs, while convincing our workers that, through hard and dedicated labor, they might reach the highest rungs of our bogus organizations, while, in reality, they will, after infighting, backstabbing, and reckless self-promotion, find themselves flung out into the cold, the pathways to our fleeting and hollow ranks closed to all but a most rapacious and lustful few.

  At no point in the long yet subtle Process of making a mockery of this once great Nation did we pause to consider that our hoarding of the nation's wealth would violate the Constitutional directive of promoting the general Welfare, although we will, by funneling the collective wealth of all Americans into the pockets of our cronies and fellow oligarchs, secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and to our Posterity, not to all Americans equally, but to those who have, as we have, dutifully sacrificed their sacred Honor on the altar of the Insatiable Hag of Materialism, to those who have shat, as we have shat, upon the once-grand notion of Liberty and Justice for All. We have stopped our ears to the Voice of Justice, preferring rather the Shriek of Lies, preferring rather to profit from spying on the People (through the sale and maintenance of the materials necessary to the surveillance society), under the unpatriotic and anti-American Patriot Act, rejoicing in the violation of the flimsy protections once, but no longer, afforded the People by the Constitution.

  All this we pledge, and more, for: we have the means to lobby the Legislature for our own gain; we have the money with which to live comfortably for ten lifetimes while millions of American children go to bed hungry each night; we have convinced the People that consumption is preferable to ingenuity, that watching TV is preferable to creative expression and the telling of stories, that there is a universal formula for Happiness, a formula that starts with a dollar sign. We, therefore, the capitalists and corporations headquartered in these United States, Assembled, appealing to none but our majority share-holders, by our own authority and the might of our wrongly appropriated wealth, brazenly Publish and Declare, that this Country belongs to Us now, that the dream of a more perfect Union has no place in the world of top-few-capitalism, that eighty percent of all Americans shall toil ceaselessly to make us, those of the remaining Twenty Percent, rich beyond reckoning, that government is instituted not to secure the Rights of the People but to satisfy our every Desire, and that the People have no Right either to alter nor to abolish their government, as it long ago abandoned Them to satisfy the needs of the most monied few, as it is now too late, and They waited too long to act.

  So suck it, you hard-working American fools, and while you are sucking it good and hard, remember that you have abandoned everything for which your ancestors once fought and died.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp