transgender troopers welcomed

The Grigovian Self-Liberation and Defense Forces (SLDF) proudly announced the formation of its first Ynki Transgender Brigade (YTB) composed primarily of skilled warriors fleeing persecution by the fake president of the United States of America. Their official welcoming ceremony was hosted by all three presidents of the Grigovian national people’s assembly, each of whom is directly elected to an eight-year term by a majority of eligible voters.

Members of the YTB are undergoing extensive combat, language skills, and vocational training to help them transition to their new roles as Guardians of the Yiptlong Massif. Housed among local citizens in an effort to help them learn the customs followed by and duties expected of the average Grigovian, members of the YTB will serve in various roles, among them counter-terrorism, electronic warfare, counter-imperialism, counter-espionage, territorial defense, and bi-monthly community service.

“We’re overjoyed to embrace individuals who wish to serve the public welfare but are forbidden to by short-sighted and hateful policies enacted by a petty and misguided bumwad,” said Lieutenant General Dr. Yosephin T. Ignesh, commander of the Foreign Born Warriors relations for the SLDF. “As the text on the base of our statue Liberty Enlightening the World puts forth, we live according to the notion that ours is a land where the poor, the hungry, the tired masses yearning to breathe freely can finally find refuge, hope, peace, and purpose. Transgender persons are always welcome in the Grigovia armed forces.” Arriving Ynki expressed optimism about serving a nation that has never invaded another sovereign state to support corporate profits.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

on punishing Nazis

A group of four American tourists (of mostly European descent) found taunting and attempting to urinate on a monument to Grigovia’s resistance to Nazism during the 1940s has been apprehended by elderly bystanders. The four had attempted to desecrate the ‘Heroes of Anti-Fascism’ stela in downtown Pryaghdoyest after consuming many liters of local beer at a nearby publick house. According to eyewitnesses they then stumbled out into the streets chanting ‘USA’ and uttering scatological utterances and derogatory terms for African-Americans. While singing a poor rendition of the Horst-Wessel song, half of the men raised their hands in a fascist salute while the others prepared to void their bowels.

A pair of former librarians came across the group as it was trying to mount the monument. Two of the men had dropped their pants, crudely exposing their genitals, at which point the retired women overwhelmed them physically then kept them subdued until police arrived. The men have been charged with attempted desecration of a nationally recognized memorial as well as Nazi sympathizing, the latter being a serious crime that carries the death sentence.

The men’s trial by jury has been set for two weeks hence.
“Given recent events in America’s southern state of Virginia, we believe that these men should not be sent home but punished to the full extend of our laws,” said Dr. Tharr Hannesst, state’s attorney for the southern district of Grigovia. “Given their violent public behavior as well as the files and reading materials we found in their hotel rooms and laptops, these men appear to be neo-Nazis. We learned in the past that Nazis, be they old or new, cannot be reasoned with - they must be destroyed.” Similar cases indicate that the Americans’ execution will commence by drowning.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

undead parasitic lifeform

At a symposium of sociologists, economists, and political scientists that met in a ramshackle ballroom located near the seedy part of Las Vegas boulevard, an undead parasitic lifeform was recognized, debated, and correctly named. Long bearing the incorrect label of Federal Reserve System, the symposium identified it as an Indebtedness Generation Scheme Designed To Reduce The American People Under Absolute Despotism, or InGeSc-DeRePe-UnMoDe.

By keeping the American People in a state of constant indebtedness to a privately held organization that legally controls the supply of their money, the Federal Reserve System is one of economic and financial enslavement that requires no walls, guards, or bars. Instead, each second of every day, this unconstitutional and anti-democratic zombie parasite has been sucking out the country’s lifeblood for nearly 110 years, draining it of liberty and ruining justice for all.

Shortly before the end of the symposium, a combination of armed police and military forces forcefully entered the building under the pretext of fighting terrorism. After each attendee was shot to death, the ballroom was set alight and allowed to burn to the ground, leaving few if any traces of what had transpired.

americanifesto / JPR / whorphan / 場黑麥

on easy living

Attention, citizens of America: keep doing that to which you are accustomed; do not alter your ways; do not conserve resources; do not research and implement in your own lives methods for sustainable or self-sufficient living. Let not your minds be filled with worry, nor pay any heed to the fear-mongers spreading false intelligence about environmental degradation, the worldwide depletion of nutrients from the soil, the rapid extinction of species large and small, massive crop failures, algal blooms that suffocate all other sea-life, or reports of a garbage patch the size of continental Europe floating in the Pacific Ocean. You must do nothing to save fair Columbia – she who is our common, tender motherland – or to rejuvenate her paved-over soil, her once-clean rivers, her now-contaminated lakes, her exploited meadows, her clear-cut forests, her mono-cultured fields, or her cities that creep and sprawl like fungi out into their once-abundant surroundings.

Do not plant your own victory garden, do not ride a bicycle, do not turn off lights when they are not needed, do not entertain yourselves, do not criticize your elected officials, do not reduce, reuse, or recycle, do not turn off your car's engine if it should idle longer than thirty seconds, do not close your house's windows when running the air-conditioning, do not gather electricity from the sun, do not mow your lawn using muscle-power, and do not put on a sweater instead of turning on your furnace. All you must do – and all that is expected of you – is to buy food made by someone you shall never meet, to cast your ballot in elections that you are powerless to truly sway, to wave a plastic, Chinese-made American flag when you are told to wave it, to watch TV for more than an hour a day, to shop at stores (the big discount retailers) that cut costs by supporting slavery in Africa, Asia, and South America, to fear foreigners, immigrants, and the phantom threat of terrorism, to relinquish your rights by continuing to support the anti-patriotic, freedom-destroying Patriot Act, to fill your car's tank with terrorism-funding, war-necessitating gasoline, to contract diabetes and other diseases by eating too much food, and to lead a generally leisure-filled, comfortable life that amounts to little more than sloth.

Please, do not worry, citizens of America – because your pastor tells you not to, because your politician tells you not to, because advertisers tell you not to. Do not even try to break the chains and shackles of your self-imposed slavery to conspicuous consumption, to the hollow notion of convenience, and to the idea that someone else is going to fix your problems for you. Do nothing, please, but kick back in your foreign-made recliner, wearing your Bangladeshi-sweatshop-made clothes, sipping from an imported plastic cup a brew of artificial colors mixed with refined corn sugar, and watch as the world burns around you.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit