on punishing Nazis

A group of four American tourists (of mostly European descent) found taunting and attempting to urinate on a monument to Grigovia’s resistance to Nazism during the 1940s has been apprehended by elderly bystanders. The four had attempted to desecrate the ‘Heroes of Anti-Fascism’ stela in downtown Pryaghdoyest after consuming many liters of local beer at a nearby publick house. According to eyewitnesses they then stumbled out into the streets chanting ‘USA’ and uttering scatological utterances and derogatory terms for African-Americans. While singing a poor rendition of the Horst-Wessel song, half of the men raised their hands in a fascist salute while the others prepared to void their bowels.

A pair of former librarians came across the group as it was trying to mount the monument. Two of the men had dropped their pants, crudely exposing their genitals, at which point the retired women overwhelmed them physically then kept them subdued until police arrived. The men have been charged with attempted desecration of a nationally recognized memorial as well as Nazi sympathizing, the latter being a serious crime that carries the death sentence.

The men’s trial by jury has been set for two weeks hence.
“Given recent events in America’s southern state of Virginia, we believe that these men should not be sent home but punished to the full extend of our laws,” said Dr. Tharr Hannesst, state’s attorney for the southern district of Grigovia. “Given their violent public behavior as well as the files and reading materials we found in their hotel rooms and laptops, these men appear to be neo-Nazis. We learned in the past that Nazis, be they old or new, cannot be reasoned with - they must be destroyed.” Similar cases indicate that the Americans’ execution will commence by drowning.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

local minds blown

This past weekend, the sight of three men walking along the side of Route 30 was all it took to blow the minds of the people of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. The townspeople stared, honked, swerved, honked again, and stared some more, flabbergasted that three healthy-looking, employed-looking, and respectable-looking individuals would dare to move their bodies by muscle-power six tenths of a mile down the road to a local eatery, where they were reported to have eaten a hearty breakfast.

Gettysburgians appear to be so accustomed to driving everywhere, so used to seeing only dirty and unwashed vagrants physically walking on the sides of roads, that the actions of these three apparently confused, seemingly car​-less individuals shattered the locals' views of the universe itself, a universe which runs on fossil fuels pumped from the ground by terrorism-supporting Arabs living on the other side of the globe. “We could see the restaurant from our hotel-room window, up on the third floor,” said one of the pedestrians, who asked to remain anonymous. “And we did consider driving, but, as we all agreed, we needed to work off some of the residual booze from the previous nights and to kick-start our metabolisms, which were struggling after a long weekend of drinking.”

Each of the three individuals stands over six foot and two-inches tall, and each is muscular and physically imposing, which, when viewed side by side, may have made them appear freakishly tall; and while two of the three are Americans of African Descent (AOAD), the third is an American of European Descent (AOED), which compelled the men – who while perambulating discussed the locals' strange behavior – to rule out blatant, uncalled-for racism, for which the area is, however, known. “As with many strange things that happen in life, having people flash their brights at us, honk at us, and yell out their cars' windows at us, for no reason other than that we were walking along the side of a road, is something that we must simply accept in our hearts as inevitable,” said another of the individuals, who is expecting his second child. “I went to college here for four years, and we just dropped fifty bones on breakfast. Just because we decided to get some exercise before eating does not mean that we are worth less than people who decided to drive around, being fat. Fucking small towns, man – most times, they suck.”

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