love slave obtained

Area resident Jacinda Grace Stanton recently purchased a new love slave (to replace the one she’d neglected to death). Though initially excited about being taken from the puppy mill where most of its litter-mates had died, the love slave, whom she named ‘Doggie Dearest,’ is quickly learning that life in its new home is not much better.

Ms. Stanton does not plan to take her newly acquired love slave on four daily walks, feed it properly and at regular intervals, take time to understand its language or moods, respect its right to live a stress-free life, or treat it with the dignity that a sentient being deserves. Instead, she intends to scold it when it voids its bowels inside her home due to lack of access to the out-of-doors, yell at it when it whines about being hungry, complain about having to take it to the vet after letting it suffer a massive skin infection for months, and leave it at home without food for days on end while she engages in multiple new romantic relationships.

Jacinda plans to hug her love slave from time to time, look quizzically at it when it barks, keep it trapped in her bedroom from 9pm until noon of the next day, ignore its needs while manipulating her mobile phone, occasionally lock it outside on a bare concrete pad overnight, and then insist on telling everyone she knows how much she loves animals but never washing out her love slave’s water bowl and only refilling it when it’s completely empty. The nation and state in which Ms. Stanton lives legally defines animals not as living things but as property, however, meaning that she’s not doing anything wrong - technically.

[This is a work of satire. Any reference to a person or persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Please treat living things under your control with the utmost respect and dignity.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

Grigovian folk belief

Theirs is a society founded on strongly secular roots, but the Grigovian people do practice some forms of folk religion, a select few of which are examined here. First, and perhaps most widespread, is Sighting First Rays, a ceremony held every morning after the daily yoga practice in honor of the first shining tendrils of sunlight to grace the resplendent peaks of the towering Yiptlong massif. This ceremony consists of pausing one's actions, moving so as to be able to see the Yiptlong massif, and watching closely as its peaks are drenched in sunlight. Second-most widespread after Sighting First Rays is a ceremony known as Clarified Unity, in which one sits quietly for a certain amount of time in order to clarify the inner vision and unify the often competing energies of body ​and stomach and mind. A meditative custom, practitioners of Clarified Unity swear that it helps to reduce distress and worry and to lessen the ravenous cravings of addiction – including those involving food, sex, and self-mutilation. The third most widespread religious practice is Seeing Smallest Beauty, a process by which people look for symmetry in all things, even in those instances – death or destruction or illness – that other societies vilify. Seeing Smallest Beauty leads directly into Walking Beautifully; practitioners of these closely interrelated methods remain detached from the notions of honor and dishonor, profit and loss, benefit and harm, following rather the dictates of their hearts and acting in accordance with Universal patterns. The final belief system examined here is Honoring Good & Bad, a ritual that acknowledges the fickle whims of the Tunnel Pixies. Sometimes helpful and sometimes harmful, Tunnel Pixies are blamed not only for leading children miraculously unharmed out of caved-in sections of tunnel but also for having caused the cave-ins in the first place. Belief in these mischievous beings stretches back to at least the 15th Century, when Briny the Younger – Grigovia's preeminent medieval bard – sang, 'Here they pull on loose brick, and there they light the way, their moods are not for wondering, for these shift with each day.' Examined here are but a few of the customs of the Glorious Republic of Grigovia. Come visit, and discover more for yourself!

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

local minds blown

This past weekend, the sight of three men walking along the side of Route 30 was all it took to blow the minds of the people of Gettysburg, Pennsylvania. The townspeople stared, honked, swerved, honked again, and stared some more, flabbergasted that three healthy-looking, employed-looking, and respectable-looking individuals would dare to move their bodies by muscle-power six tenths of a mile down the road to a local eatery, where they were reported to have eaten a hearty breakfast.

Gettysburgians appear to be so accustomed to driving everywhere, so used to seeing only dirty and unwashed vagrants physically walking on the sides of roads, that the actions of these three apparently confused, seemingly car​-less individuals shattered the locals' views of the universe itself, a universe which runs on fossil fuels pumped from the ground by terrorism-supporting Arabs living on the other side of the globe. “We could see the restaurant from our hotel-room window, up on the third floor,” said one of the pedestrians, who asked to remain anonymous. “And we did consider driving, but, as we all agreed, we needed to work off some of the residual booze from the previous nights and to kick-start our metabolisms, which were struggling after a long weekend of drinking.”

Each of the three individuals stands over six foot and two-inches tall, and each is muscular and physically imposing, which, when viewed side by side, may have made them appear freakishly tall; and while two of the three are Americans of African Descent (AOAD), the third is an American of European Descent (AOED), which compelled the men – who while perambulating discussed the locals' strange behavior – to rule out blatant, uncalled-for racism, for which the area is, however, known. “As with many strange things that happen in life, having people flash their brights at us, honk at us, and yell out their cars' windows at us, for no reason other than that we were walking along the side of a road, is something that we must simply accept in our hearts as inevitable,” said another of the individuals, who is expecting his second child. “I went to college here for four years, and we just dropped fifty bones on breakfast. Just because we decided to get some exercise before eating does not mean that we are worth less than people who decided to drive around, being fat. Fucking small towns, man – most times, they suck.”

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

right to pass revoked in LA

Following approval from the city council issued at its emergency sitting late last night, property owners across Los Angeles revoked unilaterally the rights of pedestrians to use private property, including privately owned sidewalks. This move has been expected for months, since LA's city council long ago abandoned her pedestrian population, preferring rather to kowtow to rich property owners who because of their great wealth can have laws written in their favor by bribing and influencing elected leaders.

Attention pedestrians of southern California: you may not use a privately owned sidewalk unless you have on your person written permission from the property owner! Instead, use the street, the roadway, or any publicly owned sidewalk (which are stamped with City Of Los Angeles, whereas private sidewalks are embedded with polished bronze medallions that warn walkers to turn back). The Los Angeles Police Department is issuing tickets upwards of $1000 to any individual caught using or otherwise trespassing on a privately owned sidewalk.

“Anyone not driving a car by now is just not worth our time, nor are they worth any effort,” LA councilman Hinnrich Rheingoldt was overheard saying just after the sitting ended. “We just don't have time to protect economically insignificant, litigation-shy, foot-mobile fuckheads who aren't buying us flights to Mammoth, or who haven't contributed to any of our political action committees.”

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

p.s. cars have right-of-way in the street, so stay on your toes unless you want to get sucked into the slipstream of a passing semi-truck and tossed around like a rag-doll