love slave obtained

Area resident Jacinda Grace Stanton recently purchased a new love slave (to replace the one she’d neglected to death). Though initially excited about being taken from the puppy mill where most of its litter-mates had died, the love slave, whom she named ‘Doggie Dearest,’ is quickly learning that life in its new home is not much better.

Ms. Stanton does not plan to take her newly acquired love slave on four daily walks, feed it properly and at regular intervals, take time to understand its language or moods, respect its right to live a stress-free life, or treat it with the dignity that a sentient being deserves. Instead, she intends to scold it when it voids its bowels inside her home due to lack of access to the out-of-doors, yell at it when it whines about being hungry, complain about having to take it to the vet after letting it suffer a massive skin infection for months, and leave it at home without food for days on end while she engages in multiple new romantic relationships.

Jacinda plans to hug her love slave from time to time, look quizzically at it when it barks, keep it trapped in her bedroom from 9pm until noon of the next day, ignore its needs while manipulating her mobile phone, occasionally lock it outside on a bare concrete pad overnight, and then insist on telling everyone she knows how much she loves animals but never washing out her love slave’s water bowl and only refilling it when it’s completely empty. The nation and state in which Ms. Stanton lives legally defines animals not as living things but as property, however, meaning that she’s not doing anything wrong - technically.

[This is a work of satire. Any reference to a person or persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Please treat living things under your control with the utmost respect and dignity.]

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

squirrels make peace

squirrels make peace

In the aftermath of a series of nearly-fatal shootings, the squirrels native to UCLA's botanical garden in a written statement sued for peace with humans. 'We see the error in our ways, and swear to mend them,' the short document read. 'From this day forward we will tolerate being teasing with, and attempts at play.'

“Those bushy tree rodents chap my buns,” said the alleged gunman, a Mr. Windthrowp, while hanging from construction beams rigging the underside of a nearby freeway ramp. “The little bastards should be happy I didn't have more than that derringer with; concealed permee is up though and with the heat on my ass I keep two shots.” “What?” he said upon reading the squirrel's statement. “This is clearly a ploy: trust them less than Stalin.”

At last observation, the situation appeared calm, these squirrels having adopted a posture of aggressive but civilized disdain toward the park's visitors.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥