squirrels make peace

squirrels make peace

In the aftermath of a series of nearly-fatal shootings, the squirrels native to UCLA's botanical garden in a written statement sued for peace with humans. 'We see the error in our ways, and swear to mend them,' the short document read. 'From this day forward we will tolerate being teasing with, and attempts at play.'

“Those bushy tree rodents chap my buns,” said the alleged gunman, a Mr. Windthrowp, while hanging from construction beams rigging the underside of a nearby freeway ramp. “The little bastards should be happy I didn't have more than that derringer with; concealed permee is up though and with the heat on my ass I keep two shots.” “What?” he said upon reading the squirrel's statement. “This is clearly a ploy: trust them less than Stalin.”

At last observation, the situation appeared calm, these squirrels having adopted a posture of aggressive but civilized disdain toward the park's visitors.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

child takes things too far

While celebrating his 8th birthday party at a local park, Yusuf Henry D'Angelo once again took things a bit too far. Said the boy's father, Damion Xavier D'Angelo, aged 47, “Yes, Yusuf went over the line, as he seems to always do. One moment he and the other children are playing nicely in the creek, and the next, the boy is three stories up in a tree and cannot come down by himself.” While the birthday child was able, after many tears of shame and much coaxing from his mother, to climb under his own power back down to terra firma, sure enough, within a couple of minutes he had set fire to a pile of wet logs behind a nearby utility shed. “We do not know how he accomplished these things,” said Yusuf's mother, Georgina Hunt D'Angelo, aged 25. “He is a smart boy, and, normally, a good boy; his father and I watch him very closely in an effort to prevent just such occurrences, but, somehow, he manages to get away with stealing at least one police cruiser every week, and, just last Thursday, he hacked a Predator drone flying over Afghanistan and used it to rain death and hellfire onto a compound filled with bloodthirsty jihadists. How did he know where they lived, and how did he know, afterward, at which forward operating base to land the drone with such apparent skill? He even taxied the craft to its assigned berth. It may sound incredible but, here,” the woman said, pulling out her mobile phone and scrolling through the Received Calls list. “Here it is, right here, three calls from the Department of the United States Army. After the officer had calmed down and stopped shouting, he asked if I would permit my son – my eight-year-​old son – to join ROTC! Wow.” In the few minutes before the park closed and his birthday party ended, Yusuf tuned the park's only chainsaw, fixed a toddler's tricycle, made two new friends, and rerouted the town's commuter bus system to run more efficiently, all without appearing to have done a thing.

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit

commie don't float

  Lock your windows, and close your doors – there are commies about!
  Communists (commies), those self-same socialist scumbags that have infiltrated American society to its very core, are inherently evil, and ought to be killed on sight.
  You will find commie using such fiscally burdensome and morally decrepit things as public roads, bridges, communal parks, street-cars, and sidewalks. The interstate and intrastate highway systems are built and maintained using communal funds provided by the taxpayer, and, as socialist services that are dangerous to the American way, they must be avoided until they can be destroyed. (Switch to privately-funded road systems and for-profit bridges whenever possible, so as to avoid proximity to commie.) Avoid public libraries, public transportation, and public universities – these are all socialist holdouts (funded by taxpayer dollars) that provide services to all Americans equally. As institutions crucial to the socialist ideal, they must be avoided.
  Commies have been known to participate in local elections, where they support unnecessary and downright wasteful services such as police, firefighters, and sewage and water treatment services. Furthermore, the commie will, on the local as well as on the national level, support programs that provide assistance to the poor, the disabled, the elderly, and anyone equally as lazy, as incompetent, and as stupid to forestall buying into the glorious, inherent inequality of our beloved (free) market capitalism. Anyone who has voted for programs such as these, is a commie. Anyone who thinks that the wealth generated in America every year could feed, clothe, and house each and every citizen (if that wealth were not funneled into the pockets of the entrenched plutocracy), is a commie. Anyone who is stunned upon hearing that millions of America's children go to bed hungry each night, is a commie. Do not trust these loathsome miscreants.
  Wily and suspicious by foul, hellish nature, commie can be lured only into cunningly camouflaged traps, although it will come running readily if you hoist a red flag, or if your daughter is in heat. Commie will thrash about wildly once captured, so have your killing implement (bludgeon, cudgel, or similar) near to hand. The best bait for your commie-trap is any of the superb national brands of mechanically-separated meat product (preferably with a high sodium content) mixed with stale gingersnaps.
  As the headline suggests, a dead commie thrown into a river will not float – his body is made of a fibrous material similar to asbestos (but far more lethal when it comes into contact with the skin). Once it is killed, you should remove the dead commie from the water as soon as possible – its body will rot abnormally quickly, transforming almost overnight into an as-of-yet poorly understood substance that has the tendency to disperse before hardening, thus posing a hazard to shipping lanes and the elderly alike. As of press time, we have not been able to catch a commie to dissect its body in its living state: we knew enough not to let it live; we kill commie before commie can kill us.
  Remove the head of the dead commie as soon as you can – it might be faking death in hopes of spreading democracy and equality amongst the peoples of the world, when you are not looking. There is nothing worse than a wounded, near-dead commie spreading chaos and egalitarianism amidst your defensive lines. Wounding the commie will only enrage it, so take it down good and hard, as it will still be combat effective even after losing several limbs. Shooting off commie's leg will only slow it down, not stop it, so AIM FOR ITS MISSHAPEN HEAD!!! Setting the vile scum on fire (as with an improvised incendiary device) will only enrage it – it will charge your position and do everything in its power to burn it down before consumed by the flames. Stay alert – stay vigilant. Think of your loved ones. Think of the children. Do not hesitate.
  Every step toward communism is a step away from the American Way of Life. We must band together to stamp out the aforementioned socialist institutions. We must padlock our public schools, tear up our roads, disband our emergency services, raze our parks, smash our bridges, stop up the sewers, and burn our libraries to the ground. Only then will America be free of communism and its bastard cousin, socialism; only then might this shining land flourish once again.
  Know commie. It may seem peaceful, erudite, and well educated, but it is certainly an atheist, and a believer in small personal sacrifice for the greater common good. Mistrust commie – your stock options may depend on it. Fear commie – your life may depend on it. And remember, aim for its misshapen head, and put the bastard down for good.
  Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp