thermal springs reopen

As part of its nation-wide efforts to improve the health and well-being of its inhabitants, the Glorious Republic of Grigovia announced the reopening of the Lower Eastern Yiptlong Hot Springs & Baths (LEYHS&B). Shuttered shortly after Grigovia's independence – in 1988 – from the Union of Soviet Socialist States, LEYHS&B sat dormant and neglected until 1994. Then, a group of private investors conspired with the Grigovian Ministry of the Interior to not only restore the Art -Deco-style bath houses to their former glory but also tap the region's geothermal capacity to provide heating and electricity to the baths and some neighboring communities. At one time closed to all but the most well-connected cadres of the former Soviet regime, LEYHS&B is now accessible to citizens and tourists via Grigovia's robotic bus system. (Buses depart regularly from the town square in Eiyehrdo Ghassdt, a proud village that lies about halfway between Grig and the eastern city of Gar Nuuzsh.) Famous for wide pools of swirling hot waters as well as frigid dipping basins, visitors to LEYHS&B can now enjoy also a full spectrum of spa treatments that include world-class massages, Finnish-style sauna, archery and martial arts lessons, and guided horse-back or hiking tours of the majestic Eastern Yiptlong massif. Expect stunning views of the Great Dune Sea as well as many happy times with your friends and loved ones at our beloved Hot Springs & Baths. Be sure to visit the adjacent Happy Times Smoking Lodge, where all manner of combustible leaves, tars, and saps from around the world are available for purchase and consumption. Come soon, please, and relax.

© americanifesto / 場黑麥

a fortuitous mugging

An otherwise uneventful visit to Los Angeles by the Jianus family was interrupted recently by armed robbery. “Can you imagine!?” said Hulfu, at 14 years the youngest child and only boy. “All the movies I have ever seen were coming true. There was the man standing with the knife and asking for our wallets. So cool!” The Jianus', a Finnish family, had traveled to America's West Coast to go to Disneyland and learn how to surf, and up until the time of the mugging everything had been running smoothly. “Then, though, Dad decided to save some money by traveling to Venice boardwalk by bus instead of by cab,” said Estra, the middle child, a maiden of 16 years. “We find ourselves deep in East Los Angeles, and as soon as we get off the bus, a dirty man jumps up from where he was lying in a pile of trash. He rips the map from my father's hands and puts a weapon in my mother's face, saying he wants money. My father throws his wallet at him and we all run the other way. Wow. I can't wait to tell my friends back in Oulu.“

“Because none of us were injured, my husband refused to call the police,” said Tilda, the family's matriarch, a lithe woman of 37 years. “I mentioned to the hotel concierge what had happened, and she made the call. I don't think they found the poor man, and I don't expect to recover what money was lost, but I hope our experience will cause other people to be more careful than we were.” The Jianus' have been staying at a hotel in Downtown L.A., the nexus for most city bus lines. “On every block of Broadway, there seem to be three different buses going in six different directions,” said 19 year old Xantha, the eldest daughter. “I feel bad that my father threw his wallet at the man, whose feet were swollen and covered with large blisters and who was obviously a little crazy in the head. Maybe before we leave I go back and give him some hot food and more money.”

Violent crime is relatively rare in Finland; the Jianus' story has been taken up by that country's press corps and reprinted by all of its major news outlets. “Lots of people praise me for relinquishing my wallet and then running, instead of just running,” said Ervost Jianus, age 40. “And anyway, as a seasoned world traveler, I never leave my hotel room with important documents on my person, so the wallet contained only a few hundred dollars in cash. I shall likely be made to sleep on the couch for a few weeks, but that is a price I accept for giving my children an experience they will never forget.” In the week after this story first hit Finnish shores, travel bookings from Helsinki to Los Angeles increased fivefold.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

child takes things too far

While celebrating his 8th birthday party at a local park, Yusuf Henry D'Angelo once again took things a bit too far. Said the boy's father, Damion Xavier D'Angelo, aged 47, “Yes, Yusuf went over the line, as he seems to always do. One moment he and the other children are playing nicely in the creek, and the next, the boy is three stories up in a tree and cannot come down by himself.” While the birthday child was able, after many tears of shame and much coaxing from his mother, to climb under his own power back down to terra firma, sure enough, within a couple of minutes he had set fire to a pile of wet logs behind a nearby utility shed. “We do not know how he accomplished these things,” said Yusuf's mother, Georgina Hunt D'Angelo, aged 25. “He is a smart boy, and, normally, a good boy; his father and I watch him very closely in an effort to prevent just such occurrences, but, somehow, he manages to get away with stealing at least one police cruiser every week, and, just last Thursday, he hacked a Predator drone flying over Afghanistan and used it to rain death and hellfire onto a compound filled with bloodthirsty jihadists. How did he know where they lived, and how did he know, afterward, at which forward operating base to land the drone with such apparent skill? He even taxied the craft to its assigned berth. It may sound incredible but, here,” the woman said, pulling out her mobile phone and scrolling through the Received Calls list. “Here it is, right here, three calls from the Department of the United States Army. After the officer had calmed down and stopped shouting, he asked if I would permit my son – my eight-year-​old son – to join ROTC! Wow.” In the few minutes before the park closed and his birthday party ended, Yusuf tuned the park's only chainsaw, fixed a toddler's tricycle, made two new friends, and rerouted the town's commuter bus system to run more efficiently, all without appearing to have done a thing.

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit