man loses way

Following nearly a decade of reliance on global-positioning-satellite-enhanced navigation via his handheld mobile communications device, local bachelor Gregor Harold Bantanigian ran into trouble when his phone suffered a total systems-crash three miles from his house. Having no coins on him and knowing none of his contacts’ phone numbers by heart, for the first fifteen minutes of his ordeal Mr Bantanigian sat in his car staring out of the windshield, unmoving. Glancing upward at the stars in a vain attempt to find North, he realized he had forgotten which constellations stood where in the Fall sky, preferring instead recently to scan the heavens using an application on his phone.

Pulling the device back out of his pants pocket, Gregor banged it against his left palm a few times, then mashed clumsily at the power button until his thumb started to cramp. As this article was going to press, Mr Bantanigian was seen waiting around in front of a nearby grocery store trying to ask strangers for directions back to his home. Upon seeing his fashionably ripped t-shirt and loose fitting cotton sweatpants as well as the desperate look in his eye, however, they assumed he was a drug-crazed street person and kept their distance.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

sports venues renamed

Fans of America’s top sports franchises awoke today to find many of their parks bearing the names of new sponsors. Now, instead of referring to venue as Coors Field or Miller Park, fans can find delight in names such as Honest Henry’s Crack-Cocaine (a domestic venture) as well as the Durango Cartel’s Peruvian Flake and the Greater Asian Prosperity Sphere Gang’s Opium Poppy Paradise (both foreign ventures). Black market stash-boxes are being built in many major sports venues to so that attendees can pick up the illicit wares sold by the new sponsors, and injection-rooms staffed by licensed nurses are being installed in stadiums across America to allow heroin users a clean and safe place to shoot up. Since it’s nearly impossible to control how many units of alcohol a given fan will drink during a sporting event, there will be no effort to restrict how many puffs, shots, or snorts of a controlled substance said fan takes, either.

Critics of the new sponsors were quickly drowned out by millions of alcoholic sports fans, who argued that the normalization of alcohol abuse by leading sports franchises justifies the normalization of all other drugs, as well. Recently, roughly 33,000 Americans died of overdoses involving opioids, fewer than half of the roughly 88,000 Ynki who die routinely from alcohol abuse each year.

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

eighteen beers consumed

Following his long-standing tradition of avoiding feeling feelings and self-medicating using a hard but readily available and socially acceptable drug, local aid recipient Harold K. P. Trask finished his eighteenth beer of the day. “My life is awesome,” he said, ignoring fully the sadness held tightly by a heart broken once in junior high-school, his overstrained liver struggling to deal with the gallon and a half of fermented sugar water he’d just forced down his gullet. He stretched out on the worn cushions of his second-hand couch and patted his protruding belly in apparent satisfaction.

Surveying the frayed remnants of his second failed marriage by glancing briefly at a couple of framed photographs perched on a nearby shelving unit, he tried to decide between between ordering a pizza or frying up the rest of a refrigerated flank-steak that had gone gray a week earlier. “Better safe than sorry,” he said, punching his choices into a pizza ordering application loaded onto his mobile phone.

Standing up a half hour later to grab the slab of cheesy baked dough from the delivery person, he felt terribly dizzy, a state he attributed to moving too quickly caused in reality by severe malnutrition, acute vitamin deficiency, and decades of self-neglect. Craving protein to balance out the avalanche of carbohydrates he’d consumed in the previous period of wakefulness, Harold’s body compelled him to retrieve the flank-steak from the back of the fridge and fry it up with some butter. His second and third chakras suffocating behind overstrained intestines, their information lost in the static of chronic indigestion, he settled back into the couch, and smiled weakly.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

my sentiments exactly

‘This is the life,’ the drug dealer thought, pulling back on a hinged brass handle screwed into a row of others like it. A brownish, fermented, sugary fluid ran out of the nozzle attached to the handle, flowing into a freshly washed glass. Setting the now-full glass down on the copper counter erected for the purpose of giving the users of that particular drug somewhere upon which to rest their arms while using it, the drug dealer took cash in exchange for the addictive, mind-altering substance he’d just dealt.

The appearance of cleanliness was important to the drug dealer, wherefore he carefully wiped down a few meters of bar dirtied by customers who’d become slightly sloppy after using the habit-forming drug he peddled. The drunk people had left earlier - not because he’d kicked them out for shouting crassly or the other drug users had told them to leave for making racist comments but because they’d decided to keep taking drugs elsewhere. Such things happened often, and the dealer was used to it. He knew they’d be back. He sold them the junk they liked in an environment they enjoyed, and he pretended to listen to their problems, which made them repeat customers.

“This is the life,” slurred a middle-aged patron, holding up his glass of beer to admire its color under the tepid house lights, his back stooped and bent under the weight of decades of sadness and addiction, his skin fallow and eyes yellowish from early-onset liver failure. On the bar in front of the middle-to-end-phase addict was a packet of cheap, pre-rolled cigarettes and a cheap lighter, things he needed on his sprint to an early grave. The drug dealer, who was in the process of mixing a drink using a more refined and potent form of the life-shattering substance he got paid to sling, nodded encouragingly, saying, “My sentiments exactly.”

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

NM legalizes drugs

Citing the successful test of drug legalization in Portugal as its guiding influence, the American state of New Mexico decriminalized all drug use and possession within its border. The Return to Freedom Act, or RFA (SB-04472.7.65), has been approved by both houses of the state’s legislature and should arrive on the governor’s desk shortly. “Our residents and visitors are sick of being harassed and imprisoned for exercising their Constitutional right to get blasted on any substance they choose so long as they are not infringing upon the Life, Liberty, or Property of another person,” said Hailyie Darmstadder, 49, deputy New Mexico governor and mother of two state police sergeants; “and our police forces desire to spend their time keeping their communities safe from violent crime rather than working as strongmen who exist primarily to enforce blanket prohibitions enacted by a tyrannical federal government.” Critics have condemned the passage of RFA, saying that the potential risks to children outweigh the benefits arising from the normalization of drug-using behavior. Margit Lopez-Westinghaus, head of the New Mexico chapter of Catholic Mothers for Safe Streets, was concern that “it will become easy for a child to walk into a pharmacy and buy a marijuana cigarette.” Thomaz H.N.E. Gutierrez Jr., a Republican legislator who helped write the bill’s final draft, confirmed that the new legislation will make recreational drugs available to legal adults only, much as are cigarettes or alcohol. “For many generations now, Americans have been able to walk into any of a thousand convenience stores across the Land of Enchantment and pick up as much booze and as many smokes as they could carry, and look at the damage that has wrought,” state congressman Gutierrez said. “My ancestors used marijuana in ceremonies as a method for becoming one with the Great Unknowable, whereas alcohol does little more than pollute the mind, and nicotine does little more than make people sick.” Police unions across the state are wary about RFA, with most of them saying they’ll miss the millions of dollars they receive from Washington for putting non-violent drug users behind bars. “The gravy train is over, I guess,” said Captain Youlisees Sharlto-Macks of the West Mesa City Police department. “On the other hand, prohibition of alcohol didn’t work in the 1920s - why the hell did we think it would work with other drugs?”

© JPR / whorphan / americanifesto / 場黑麥

czabtyip (mountain sharpstand)

Our czabtyip is famous, throughout many lands, we grow it right here with our own rough bare hands. The leaf it is potent, as salve food and drug, from fibers make clothing rope paper and rug. Smoke ferment or grind it, up into a paste, the sharpstand brings joy to the whole human race. The root when it's boiled can cure many ills, among them weak kidneys, sore-face, and the Chills. Don't give it to children, under age of eight, for they'll bound and leap then stay up way too late. Use it as you would use a cherished rare spice, or as a repellent of vermin, like lice. The czabtyip has been worth its own weight in gold, since nasty king Xerxes got timid, and old. It grows in moonshadow, where winds holiday, right next to first sunrise, on each Wednesday. Its powers are useful, to priest smith and king, no wonder all cultures its praises do sing. Please come now and pick some, be quick on the hip, rejoice in the uses of fine pure czabtyip.

mentiri factorem fecit – 場黑麥

human facial oil

Oil won from the human facial gland is a highly-prized, much sought-after industrial lubricant crucial to the operation of a number of America's most advanced weapons systems, among them the M1A tank and various drones, including the MQ7-1. Some of the highest-volume producers of this precious commodity are persons living in dry and desert climates, as, lacking abundant water ​stores, their skin cools and protects itself from the scorching sun by secreting rich and luxurious oils from glands located on the face, scalp, and neck. While persons critical of the war of aggression that America is waging against the Afghani people blame its addiction to fossil fuels as the reason it broke hundreds of years of honorable tradition by maiming and torturing and killing persons merely suspected of wanting to harm its people and government, the primary reason the United States of America put boots on the ground in the Middle East was to secure access to the region's richest facial-oil-producing tribes, families, and groups.

“The Yanki came and began to measure the heads of our children,” said Shiruf Muhammud, a 34 year-old Afghani shepherd, through an interpreter. “They poked them with sticks of cotton and put those sticks in bags, rushing the bags to a waiting truck which drove off as soon as the bags were secured in large plastic coolers in the rear.” After tea, Shiruf told us that the Americans had come back a few weeks later, at first inviting, then coaxing, then ultimately threatening the parents of the town to let their children move to a giant house specially-built for harvesting the superfine oils secreted by the very young. “In the end, the Ammriki simply took the children,” the man continued, close to tears. “Loaded them up onto their trucks and drove off without telling us anything or paying us any money. My son and a few others escaped, and walked back here, but others are still missing. My niece, a girl of four years, has not yet returned.”

By weight more valuable – combined – than the yartsa gunbu, a unicorn's tears, the short-hairs of an honest politician, and the powdered and dried pancreas of Saint Francis of Assisi, human facial oil (HFO) is gaining popularity in Southern and Eastern Asian cultures as a cure-all drug. “I proscribe face oil for skin problems such as eczema and shingles, for internal problems such as ulcers and stomach cancer, and for rubbing onto sore and swollen joints, in particular the knees,” said Dr. Song Yue-Shi, who operates a number of healing centers in Hong Kong and mainland China. “The success rate of HFO treatment is very high, especially for persons suffering from HIV and from disorders of the central nervous system.” Independent clinical studies of HFO are rare, due to the substance's limited availability and its recent classification, by the U.S. Department of Defense, as a strategic national resource. Said Howard K. Schandenbürger, Jr., spokesperson for the Secretary of Defense, during a press conference held to address concerns over the ethical harvesting of HFO from non-combatants and children: “Facial oil is a sustainable, natural resource collected humanely and with due diligence from willing, well-compensated individuals across the globe. To minimize our impact on production capacity of HFO in regions subjugated for the benefit of America's corporations, such as in Afghanistan and Tajikistan, however, we have begun to recruit individuals of Native American ancestry living in this country's South-West, most notably members of the Hopi and Cherokee tribes, who have long been known to excrete facial oils of high quality.” Curiously, America's teenagers of European descent, who produce copious amounts of HFO daily, were not mentioned as candidates for harvesting.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

on the Department for Securing the Blessings of Liberty

Attention, fellow citizens of America: our Liberty is assured. Thanks to the recent establishment of the Department for the Securing of the Blessings of Liberty (or DSBL, which was just this past Thursday morning founded by President Barack Obama while he was having his morning tea), anything and everything that you do that does not demonstrably infringe upon or otherwise violate the Life, Liberty, or Property of any other citizen is a federally protected act. Smoke that sweet, sweet reefer in your own front yard! Get that face tattoo you have always wanted! Lose that belly fat you put on three Thanksgivings ago! Ever since our fine president – he who has recently come out in support of officially protecting same-sex unions and granting homosexual Americans the rights and privileges until now only afforded to different-sex, heterosexual American couples – ever since he finally got around to actually reading the preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America, which states that the primary purpose of our nation's federal government is to “secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,” ever since then, we lowly, downtrodden masses have been finally seeing a few, tender rays of hope in our long yet largely bloodless struggle for individual freedom.

For too long did the police forces of this land punish us for consuming drugs other than alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine; for too long did these selfsame oppressors perform unwarranted searches of our homes and vehicles, in direct violation of the Fourth amendment to the Constitution; for too long did we suffer under a system that punished us for affecting hairstyles other than those approved by state and local censors; for too long did we watch as our teenage countrymen were imprisoned for possessing of small amounts of their drugs of choice. Now is the time, friends, when we might all inhale deeply of the blessed winds of change, when we might fill our lungs of the cleansing breath of Liberty; now is the time that we Americans might enjoy actual, unconstrained freedom.

Not only shall this newest federal Department defend aggressively – in court – the individual's right to do whatever she might please to do to her own body, mind, skin, hair, or clothing: it is spit-polishing rigorously trained and tirelessly educated legions of Enforcers of Liberty's Blessings, or ELB, men and women who have dedicated their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor to protecting the People from the last, clinging remnants of this nation's all-too-recent tyrannical and oppressive past. Is a SWAT team trying to enter your home unannounced? Call the ELB. Is the Drug Enforcement Agency on your ass about that grow-room in the attic? Call the ELB. Are you being hounded by the Department of Homeland Security for exercising your First Amendment right to free speech? Call the ELB. Finally, dear friends, good fellow upstanding American patriots, finally, we can rest assured that the federal, state, and local governments exist to serve us in any possible way they can serve us instead of doing nearly everything in their power to keep us in a state of fear-addled submission to the fickle whims of Johnny Law. So contact the ELB at 1.877.555.GFYS (1.877.555.4397) or visit their website at www.enforcersoflibertysblessings.gov, today!

p.s. This article is a hoax: the federal government does not secure the Blessings of Liberty for the average American, neither our President nor our Congresspersons or Senators aim to enforce the Constitution's preamble, the Constitutional protections do not exist, and you are not free to do with your body or your mind as you see best fit to do, so keep your head on a swivel, a song in your heart, and the Bill of Rights clenched tightly in your white-knuckled fist. Mahalo.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

CDC & DEA announce joint venture

Working closely with specialists in Atlanta, Georgia, the Drug Enforcement Agency's (DEA) top brass has expanded its rules and guidelines for regulating nearly every aspect of Americans' lives. In addition to persecuting individuals who affect the body with drugs, the tyranny-minded DEA is adding a suite of new parameters for regulating and punishing persons with excess or insufficient body weight, strange or unconventional haircuts (think mullet, Iroquois, and tonsure), tattoos and other bodily modifications, poor dental health, and an overall lack of proper hygiene. While it already has the power to force the People to take any pills they may not have been taking, and to make sure that they are eating their recommended daily allowance of fiber and grains, and to make sure they do not exceed their weekly ration of hard spirits, this most recent expansion of the DEA's power surprises no one – not anarchists, not neo-anarchists, not even communists, socialists, republicans, neo-republicans, libertarians, nihilists, or vegans.

Said DEA junior press agent Yhett Redunindab, ”It has long been legal for the individual to cut off his nipples, to seal those nipples in airtight containers, and to insert and display the severed discs of flesh in translucent plugs that fill his stretched-out earlobes – but no more. Upon consideration, we, and our fabulous colleagues at the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), concluded that such external disfigurement is no different than the internal disfigurement caused by smoking dope or snorting crank, and that, therefore, we can punish anyone who should remove and display his man-teats in such fashion, and anyone doing anything of which we do not personally approve.” An information packet handed out after the briefing outlined additional regulations, such as a prohibition on tattooing designs other than those approved by one's state legislature, an outlawing of the wearing of religious attire (such as the bonnet, the habit, or the hijab) by women, the forced consumption of one's recommended daily allotment of pork, and bans on bulimia, obesity, sloth, jaundice, and the wearing of baggy or sagging pants, shirts that bunch up in the back, popped collars, magenta-colored silk blouses, and socks that are visible above the shoe-rim.

“If a person should think she can just go out and get a unicorn design cut with ink into her left forearm, that person would be thinking wrong,” Mr. Redunindab said while being escorted by heavily-armed civilian contractors to a row of idling black vehicles. “The body is not the individual's property to do with as she pleases, nor do the parameters of Liberty cover activities such as mainlining horse or not eating healthily while within the privacy of one's home. We are watching, we are listening, we do not need warrants, and we shall be making sure that everyone plays to whichever tune we decide, arbitrarily, is best.” When asked how he thought the public would respond once they found out the extent to which the federal and state governments were violating the Constitutional directive to secure the Blessings of Liberty equally to each and every citizen, the agent simply pointed to the individual who had asked the question and laughed as two unsmiling, teeth-grinding contractors dragged her by the hair and threw her in a nearby river.

場黑麥 mentiri factorem fecit

on novus ordo seclorum

  Every American dollar bill bears the slogan novus ordo seclorum, Latin for New Order for the Ages. The federal government of the United States (the fed) persecutes this new order in hot and cold military conflicts, and by wagingwar on those of its own citizens who would consume drugs other than those it itself licenses or sells.

  Regardless of whether you are American or not, and if you are, whether or not you vote: if you handle US currency, and if you conduct business with it, you give your tacit consent to the aims printed on the American greenback – if you use dollar bills, you perpetuate and maintain this new order for the ages. (I have followed with interest efforts in economically struggling communities to switch to location-specific para-currencies, efforts which seem to nullify the paper money printed by the US Treasury.) In the not too distant past, the fed faced oppressive and mass-murdering dictators that it had to destroy, which required it to reorder its economy and to draft its mission statement anew. By consequence the world was also ordered anew, and the smaller players held their breath as clear battle lines emerged, and as nuclear missile silos sprouted in the Urals, and in the Midwest.

  The outline of this new order began to change in the 1970s, when the fed abandoned the gold standard, causing the US Dollar to decline. Then, it changed the rules for financial regulation, allowing for rampant and destructive speculation, so that now the two hundred and fifty thousands of Americans who speculated best (the Point Oh Five) control the corporate structures that in turn control most aspects of society. But it is the duty of the federal government to shape a new order for the ages, and no other party – not the 0.05% nor the military-industrial complex – can manifest the destiny of this nation with the sort of extreme prejudice and blind dedication needed to finish the job.

  Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

declaration of corporate supremacy

  When in the course of pursuing profits it becomes necessary to remind the People for whom it is they toil, and to formulate the rules by which they shall lead their lives, we, the assembled capitalists and corporations headquartered in these United States (but by no means necessarily operating here), only occasionally and perfunctorily respectful to the Opinions of Mankind, declare that the economic well-being of our executive boards and voting members by far outweighs the Right of the People to Safety and Happiness. The original Declaration of Independence, that document upon which the United States was founded, those words that might have given mankind the right to Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness, is, and has for some time now been, a dead and forgotten document, its declaration of unalienable rights null and void, its formulation of the core principle of the role of government - to bring about the Safety and the Happiness of the People - ground to dust under the jack-boot of our Capitalistic Greed.

  We hold these Lies to be enforceable through police action: that a small percentage of Americans should by rights reap the profits generated by the labor of who work in this country and across the known world; that we have the right to speculate and to risk the invested monies of those Americans stupid enough to have entrusted us with their savings, and, when our speculations fail and millions of Americans lose their hard-won gains, to be safe and secure in our gated communities, our ill-begotten money protected by the federal government, our risky businesses kept from failing by the taxes paid by the very people whom we had hoodwinked originally; that we shall profit from the sale of drugs, such as alcohol and tobacco, that are legally available to the People, drugs that kill them by the hundreds of thousands and maim them by the millions, while supporting the persecution and the imprisonment of the People in for-profit penitentiaries owned and run by us, for the crime of consuming drugs not to our liking, such as marijuana, drugs that have no discernible negative affect on their health or on their Happiness; that the US government should wage un-winnable wars against faceless foes (see the "war on terror") so that we may continue to manufacture, develop, and sell arms and weaponry, wars that might be won only if every person on Earth were placed in concentration camps and lobotomized forcibly; that we have the Right, through unscrupulous and down-right false advertising, to convince the People that unbridled consumption and unchecked personal debt are the bedrock of the American Dream, that Happiness does not grow from within, that it is not a fragile state of mind that blossoms from patience and self-understanding, but that it is something we cram into our wallets and pocket-books, that we spend in our shopping plazas, that we waste on useless items that supposedly make life easier but that constitute little more than clutter; that it was our patriotic duty to abandon the American manufacturing sector for foreign shores, sacrificing the jobs of millions of our countrymen to boost our profit-margins, allowing children across the Pacific Rim to work as slave-laborers in free-economic-zones so that unemployed Americans could buy cheap goods that break soon after the first use; that we have the Right, regardless of the complaints of tree-hugging hippies, to rape and destroy the land for short-term gain, to poison the streams with runoff from our mine, to clear-cut the once-great forests for export, and to pump the animals we slaughter for food full of steroids and antibiotics instead of providing them with clean and open places in which to live out their short and pathetic lives; that we have willingly and to vast personal profit rejuvenated the methods of the ancient Romans for controlling the lower classes by providing them with bread (fast food) and circuses (television), methods that poison the body and the mind but that keep the rabble blessedly quiet and contented throughout their pitiful and mostly worthless lives; that we will run our corporate societies, not as democracies, but as totalitarian fiefs, while convincing our workers that, through hard and dedicated labor, they might reach the highest rungs of our bogus organizations, while, in reality, they will, after infighting, backstabbing, and reckless self-promotion, find themselves flung out into the cold, the pathways to our fleeting and hollow ranks closed to all but a most rapacious and lustful few.

  At no point in the long yet subtle Process of making a mockery of this once great Nation did we pause to consider that our hoarding of the nation's wealth would violate the Constitutional directive of promoting the general Welfare, although we will, by funneling the collective wealth of all Americans into the pockets of our cronies and fellow oligarchs, secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and to our Posterity, not to all Americans equally, but to those who have, as we have, dutifully sacrificed their sacred Honor on the altar of the Insatiable Hag of Materialism, to those who have shat, as we have shat, upon the once-grand notion of Liberty and Justice for All. We have stopped our ears to the Voice of Justice, preferring rather the Shriek of Lies, preferring rather to profit from spying on the People (through the sale and maintenance of the materials necessary to the surveillance society), under the unpatriotic and anti-American Patriot Act, rejoicing in the violation of the flimsy protections once, but no longer, afforded the People by the Constitution.

  All this we pledge, and more, for: we have the means to lobby the Legislature for our own gain; we have the money with which to live comfortably for ten lifetimes while millions of American children go to bed hungry each night; we have convinced the People that consumption is preferable to ingenuity, that watching TV is preferable to creative expression and the telling of stories, that there is a universal formula for Happiness, a formula that starts with a dollar sign. We, therefore, the capitalists and corporations headquartered in these United States, Assembled, appealing to none but our majority share-holders, by our own authority and the might of our wrongly appropriated wealth, brazenly Publish and Declare, that this Country belongs to Us now, that the dream of a more perfect Union has no place in the world of top-few-capitalism, that eighty percent of all Americans shall toil ceaselessly to make us, those of the remaining Twenty Percent, rich beyond reckoning, that government is instituted not to secure the Rights of the People but to satisfy our every Desire, and that the People have no Right either to alter nor to abolish their government, as it long ago abandoned Them to satisfy the needs of the most monied few, as it is now too late, and They waited too long to act.

  So suck it, you hard-working American fools, and while you are sucking it good and hard, remember that you have abandoned everything for which your ancestors once fought and died.

Ultima Ratio Regum - 場黑麥 John Paul Roggenkamp

war on drugs - caffeine

The Momentary Courier of Newsiness
08MAY2011

Des Moines.
  In their ongoing efforts to eradicate the distribution of deadly drugs throughout America, federal agents today raided the Sippy House, a coffee shop in a quiet neighborhood of Des Moines. After receiving a tip from an unnamed source concerned that children were being served drugs at the Sippy House, members of the ATF moved in just after the establishment opened at 8:30 am.
  "I was walking by on my way to get a bagel," said longtime Des Moines resident Enrique Sanchez, 39, "when I saw armed men clad in black and carrying automatic weapons kicking down the back door to the Sippy House." Agents confirm they have secured large amounts of caffeine in various forms, including finely and coarsely ground coffees, and teas neatly packed in small pouches that, agents said, facilitate the quick and efficient delivery and distribution of this drug. "We have seized all manner of this dangerous substance, including coffee beans coated in chocolate, and chocolate bars laced with caffeine," said Sergeant Allen T. Samuelson III, the commander of the raid, in an interview at the scene. "Caffeine is a drug," Samuelson continued, "and we need to make sure the American people cannot access this or any other drug."
  Georgette Bristol-Schmidt, age 11, was waiting to be taken into state custody after her mother, Henrietta, was charged with child endangerment and corruption of a minor for buying a small iced latte that she then handed to her preteen daughter. "I was tired this morning," Georgette said, "so Mommy bought me a coffee. I'm not tired now, and the nice police lady said I'm going to a nice place with nice people."
  Similar raids are taking place across the country. The Bureau of Tobacco and Firearms, which is conducting these raids in conjuncture with the Centers for Disease Control and the Drug Enforcement Agency, said in an online statement, "No longer will Americans be exposed to drugs or stimulants of any kind. We are shutting down all caffeine distribution centers, all alcohol distribution centers, all nicotine distribution centers, any and all establishments that make drugs of any form available to the addict. We're just getting warmed up - you ain't seen nothing yet."
  The Committee for the Defense of Liberty in America, which according to its website was established, "To guarantee that all Americans, in accordance with the Declaration of Independence, can now and forever more Pursue their Happiness as they see best fit, so long as they are not restricting others from pursuing their Happiness in any way, shape, or form," did not officially respond to the widespread actions of the aforementioned federal agencies.
  "I didn't realize caffeine was a drug," Sanchez said. "I guess it's good that our government is protecting us from any and all substances that might cause us harm, or elevate our minds. I, for one, welcome the police state."

James J. Jameson is a reporter for The Momentary Courier of Newsiness

(This non-news article is satirical. Any resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. None of the statements attributed to the various federal agents are intended to be taken as factual statements. This is a joke, in more ways than one.)