Attention, fellow citizens of America: our Liberty is assured. Thanks to the recent establishment of the Department for the Securing of the Blessings of Liberty (or DSBL, which was just this past Thursday morning founded by President Barack Obama while he was having his morning tea), anything and everything that you do that does not demonstrably infringe upon or otherwise violate the Life, Liberty, or Property of any other citizen is a federally protected act. Smoke that sweet, sweet reefer in your own front yard! Get that face tattoo you have always wanted! Lose that belly fat you put on three Thanksgivings ago! Ever since our fine president – he who has recently come out in support of officially protecting same-sex unions and granting homosexual Americans the rights and privileges until now only afforded to different-sex, heterosexual American couples – ever since he finally got around to actually reading the preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America, which states that the primary purpose of our nation's federal government is to “secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity,” ever since then, we lowly, downtrodden masses have been finally seeing a few, tender rays of hope in our long yet largely bloodless struggle for individual freedom.
For too long did the police forces of this land punish us for consuming drugs other than alcohol, nicotine, and caffeine; for too long did these selfsame oppressors perform unwarranted searches of our homes and vehicles, in direct violation of the Fourth amendment to the Constitution; for too long did we suffer under a system that punished us for affecting hairstyles other than those approved by state and local censors; for too long did we watch as our teenage countrymen were imprisoned for possessing of small amounts of their drugs of choice. Now is the time, friends, when we might all inhale deeply of the blessed winds of change, when we might fill our lungs of the cleansing breath of Liberty; now is the time that we Americans might enjoy actual, unconstrained freedom.
Not only shall this newest federal Department defend aggressively – in court – the individual's right to do whatever she might please to do to her own body, mind, skin, hair, or clothing: it is spit-polishing rigorously trained and tirelessly educated legions of Enforcers of Liberty's Blessings, or ELB, men and women who have dedicated their Lives, their Fortunes, and their sacred Honor to protecting the People from the last, clinging remnants of this nation's all-too-recent tyrannical and oppressive past. Is a SWAT team trying to enter your home unannounced? Call the ELB. Is the Drug Enforcement Agency on your ass about that grow-room in the attic? Call the ELB. Are you being hounded by the Department of Homeland Security for exercising your First Amendment right to free speech? Call the ELB. Finally, dear friends, good fellow upstanding American patriots, finally, we can rest assured that the federal, state, and local governments exist to serve us in any possible way they can serve us instead of doing nearly everything in their power to keep us in a state of fear-addled submission to the fickle whims of Johnny Law. So contact the ELB at 1.877.555.GFYS (1.877.555.4397) or visit their website at www.enforcersoflibertysblessings.gov, today!
p.s. This article is a hoax: the federal government does not secure the Blessings of Liberty for the average American, neither our President nor our Congresspersons or Senators aim to enforce the Constitution's preamble, the Constitutional protections do not exist, and you are not free to do with your body or your mind as you see best fit to do, so keep your head on a swivel, a song in your heart, and the Bill of Rights clenched tightly in your white-knuckled fist. Mahalo.
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