beat the heat with meat

Is your health suffering from the high humidity and scorching heat of this most recent heat-wave? Do you find yourself sweating profusely, your clothes soaked and sopping, your body limp and wilted like the flowers dying in your window-box? Are you sick and tired of feeding quarters into the air-conditioner that some fool screwed haphazardly into the window-frame of your cheap, sleazy motel room? If you have nodded in affirmation or responded with a verbal “Yes” to any of these questions, don't go draping a wet towel over your head, and have the good sense not to run that electricity-guzzling oscillating fan – this summer, beat the heat with meat. Drape some thinly-cut beef across your glistening brow! Cram some ham into your smoldering armpits! Cover yourself in layer upon layer of cool, refreshing cold-cuts, looking no further than your own refrigerator for cool, blessed relief.

Yes, dear reader, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has finally allowed America's producers of meats and meat-based products to sell and promote their juicy, tender morsels as they should have been selling and promoting them all along – as Nature's original – and best – provider of long-term, safe, and environmentally-friendly cooling. No longer shall the people of this land be compelled to stuff their faces with those baby-back ribs they purchased at an insane, post-Labor-Day discount: now, they can use that meat the way it was intended to be used, namely, as a backrest for their backyard meat-seats! It sure beats the heat to sit in a chair made of meat, of succulent chop and flavorful hock, of freshly-cut slice and finely-minced dice. If your head is heating up just thinking about all the wonderful, new ways to use highly-processed slabs of animal flesh, just grab a few bulging handfuls of ground beef chuck and fashion yourself a refreshing, sanitary meat helmet. And best of all, once you are done with the meat, simply discard it onto the side of the road, or cram it into your neighbor's mailbox. Believe me, your neighbor, and those cuddly racoons, will thank you for it. So, this summer, when the non-human-activity-related global climate irregularities have you huffing and puffing and casting about for a spot of quick relief, slap on that beef undershirt or slip into an pork-and-veal summer dress. All the smart people are doing it – why not you, too?!

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