haiku 7 Jun 2018

Handfuls of veggies
Simmering alongside meat
Stew can heal the soul

[ americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan ]

on eating horse

The city of Elizabeth, New Jersey, United States, recently secured state funding to construct a processing plant for horse-meat. A lean, tender, and slightly sweet meat, the plant plans to ship its culinary delicacies to populations in the greater New York metropolitan area whose cultures and traditions embrace it. Although the use of horses for food is illegal in several U.S. states, Edible Equine Holdings Ltd., which will operate the plant, says that it’s time opinions changed. “There’s no rational reason to eat cows and goats but not horses,” according to a company press release. The plant’s slaughtering facility will receive shipments of horses from farms in Pennsylvania, Virginia, Maryland, and New York.

“In 732 C.E., Pope Gregory III banned the eating of horses in an effort to stamp out Germanic pagan ceremonies,” said food scientist Dr. Shiu Wen Ha of the American School of Gastronomy and Culinary Design, in Wanborough, Connecticut. “Now, in the year 2017, in the USA, it’s time to set aside Early Medieval notions and embrace the consumption of flesh from all animals.”

Priestesses of Epona, a horse goddess of ancient Europe, could not be reached for comment, as they no longer exist.

americanifesto / 場黑麥 / jpr / urbanartopia / whorphan

beat the heat with meat

Is your health suffering from the high humidity and scorching heat of this most recent heat-wave? Do you find yourself sweating profusely, your clothes soaked and sopping, your body limp and wilted like the flowers dying in your window-box? Are you sick and tired of feeding quarters into the air-conditioner that some fool screwed haphazardly into the window-frame of your cheap, sleazy motel room? If you have nodded in affirmation or responded with a verbal “Yes” to any of these questions, don't go draping a wet towel over your head, and have the good sense not to run that electricity-guzzling oscillating fan – this summer, beat the heat with meat. Drape some thinly-cut beef across your glistening brow! Cram some ham into your smoldering armpits! Cover yourself in layer upon layer of cool, refreshing cold-cuts, looking no further than your own refrigerator for cool, blessed relief.

Yes, dear reader, the Food and Drug Administration (FDA) has finally allowed America's producers of meats and meat-based products to sell and promote their juicy, tender morsels as they should have been selling and promoting them all along – as Nature's original – and best – provider of long-term, safe, and environmentally-friendly cooling. No longer shall the people of this land be compelled to stuff their faces with those baby-back ribs they purchased at an insane, post-Labor-Day discount: now, they can use that meat the way it was intended to be used, namely, as a backrest for their backyard meat-seats! It sure beats the heat to sit in a chair made of meat, of succulent chop and flavorful hock, of freshly-cut slice and finely-minced dice. If your head is heating up just thinking about all the wonderful, new ways to use highly-processed slabs of animal flesh, just grab a few bulging handfuls of ground beef chuck and fashion yourself a refreshing, sanitary meat helmet. And best of all, once you are done with the meat, simply discard it onto the side of the road, or cram it into your neighbor's mailbox. Believe me, your neighbor, and those cuddly racoons, will thank you for it. So, this summer, when the non-human-activity-related global climate irregularities have you huffing and puffing and casting about for a spot of quick relief, slap on that beef undershirt or slip into an pork-and-veal summer dress. All the smart people are doing it – why not you, too?!

場黑麥 mentiri manufactorem fecit

on Will Cox's on Wilcox

Do you live in Los Angeles? Do you love watching your butcher do his dirty deed? Are you searching for a professional purveyor of meat, pelt, and bone?

If you answered Yes to any of these questions, Will Cox's on Wilcox Ave in Hollywood is your ticket to fresh and tasty critter flesh. With a wide selection ranging from ibex to buffalo to lowly old steer, Will Cox's on Wilcox is bound to have the tender morsels you have yearned for all these years. Situated directly opposite the U.S. Post Office and mere feet from the historic Mark Twain hotel, our newest location is bound to bring pleasure to the meat lovers of the greater Los Angeles metropolitan area.

Will Cox's on Wilcox is more than just dripping flesh – we also carry all types of tanned animal hides, stuffed and mounted animal heads, and fully assembled, ready-to-ship animal skeletons. So come on down to Will Cox's on Wilcox, and sit in on a public butchering, buy that pelt you have always wanted, and stock up on freshly slain caribou. And remember: if you can't find it at Will Cox's on Wilcox, you won't find it fucking anywhere.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit

Grigovia releases wildlife photographers

  Just after dawn this morning, the Republic of Grigovia released a group of American wildlife photographers detained seven months ago. The thirteen individuals were arrested in 2011 in the Lower Yalung Valley near the border Grigovia shares with Tajikistan. A rugged and inaccessible area favored by spice and weapons smugglers alike, the Lower Yalung is famous for its Yaelong, a tight-lipped, aggressive people nearly universally addicted to a a bitter concoction called czabtlan that is brewed using the spice. A mountainous country dotted with remote valleys accessible only by helicopter, Grigovia harbors the world's last remaining wild herds of three-toed tree ibex, fleet-footed forest dwellers prized for their lean meat and intricately-patterned coats. The U.S. State Department accepted custody of the photographers during a brief ceremony held at the embassy's wishing bridge.

場黑麥 ioanni elymucampus fecit