child goes pirate

Following his preschool's staging of “Pirate Day” during its last few sessions before the beginning of summer, the parents of four year old Woodland Hills, California native Kyl Ussuf Stonezyphr awoke in their own bed to find their grog-addled son standing over them with a knife clenched tightly between his teeth. While they had been alarmed the day before when – just before his nap-time – he waxed poetically, expounding upon a burning, insatiable desire “to pillage the nicer houses in the neighborhood, and perhaps to have my way with either Frank, or Francine (teenage, non-fraternal twins who live nearby), or the both of them,” Kyl's parents are debating whether to guide this, their third child, onto a different life-path or to accept and love him as he is, regardless of his rapine, lustful ways. “We don't think that there is much of a future in piracy,” Kevin Stonezyphr, Kyl's dad, said wearily. “But,” interjected Bettina Michaels-Stonezyphr, Kyl's super-attentive mother, while doing her best not to make eye-contact with anyone, “we agree that he has the right to choose any path in this life that he should think is best, and that there are piracy hot-spots all over the globe: at either end of the Strait of Malacca, off the coast of Somalia, and around the Strait of Hormuz.” Interrupting our conversation to investigate the source of such hammering as seemed to be coming from the rear of the house, the Stonezyphrs discovered that Kyl had not only crucified a stray dog to the rear garage door but that he had consumed so much of its blood as to make him sick to his little stomach. As punishment, they locked away his tools, and took steps to cancel the family's plans to go on a nice, leisurely Caribbean cruise later in the year.

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