The general public was shocked today by an article published in the June-July issue of Nature magazine, in which was confirmed that the majority of married American males tend to retain some form of vestigial spine where otherwise an actual spine might be. “We thought that because all the guys here seem to be so beaten down, so pussy-whipped by their women, so cowed into abject obeisance by child and spouse that they had long ago shed any remnants of whatever backbone or of self-respect they might have had before getting married,” said research team leader Mrs. Richard P. Furdenheim. “But this new study shows that some of the nation's married men still have a tiny bit of spine left in them.”
The vestigial spine, while present in a majority of the men examined for the study, disappears gradually over time, vanishing in tandem with the married man's always-increasing, self-imposed, ever-deepening belief in the flagrant falsehood that he must rely on just one vagina to fulfill his innate sexual desires. (According to all persons questioned, the study does not wish to downplay the importance of fidelity in relationships, only to examine reasons why so many American men allow themselves to be brainwashed into making such a big deal out of getting laid.) “I have heard the researchers refer to this effect as, well, the Tunnel of Love,” said lab technician (and thirty-something, single, heterosexual male) Charles Hong, “where the man convinces himself, out of religious or – ha – moral necessity, that his own wife's fuck-hole is the only conceivable, self-moistening chute within which he might find personal sexual release that he develops a severe form of tunnel vision, convincing himself that the very root of his own Happiness lies solely in her nether-regions.” The study, which underwent rigorous peer review, hints that married men might have less control over this near-total loss of self-respect than previously thought, and that the birth of a child may trigger a genetically-preprogrammed urge to remain with the birth-giving female, no matter how insufferably boring, cruel, or stupid she might turn out to be.
場黑麥 menterefecterem fecit
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