Windlehamshire County Estates, an exclusive retirement community in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, is seeking a new spray butler. Duties shall include the following: maintaining an even sheen of freshly frozen mist on the ice-sculpture of a winged horse located on our main gravel driveway; seeing to the proper functioning of the shower nozzles in each of our 100 guests' private quarters; tending to the stables – once a day after luncheon-time – in order to keep any available mounts cool by soaking them down nicely with a hose; attending afternoon teatime and evening dinners so as to apply spray-able butter to any dishes that should require it; keeping a running, mental record – to be recited upon request – of any spray-marks that appear to have been made by one Lucius “Puss-Puss” Gringlewort, a male cat belonging to Mrs. Charles D. Gringlewort, whose whereabouts have been in doubt for some time now; and, finally, spraying out the grease pit in the kitchen after it closes for the day.
Applicants are expected to be fluent in Queen's English, to possess of at least three years of previous spray butler experience (or proof of recent education in the finer points of spray butlery), to be punctual, polite, and financially well-off, to exhibit an inherent need to attend to the many spraying-related activities that take place in retirement communities such as our own, and to lack any desire to spray his man-seed upon the faces or clothing of such elderly persons as may be in his immediate vicinity. To apply for this spray butler position, please send a one-paged, single-spaced, pre-application email to Jane Gringlewort Jr. at
jgringle@windlehamshirecountyestates.net in which you explain yourself thoroughly.
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