man finds calling

Having returned from a trip to the big city with a sack of powerful drugs, area whorphan Solomon Erasmus Hendrick rediscovered one of his passions in life. With cabinets full of food and a heart drained of pride, he spent nearly a whole week curled up on the couch in the living-room smoking the drugs he had purchased, eating the food he had stockpiled, and watching repeatedly the first season of a television show named Community.

While he was hiding from the brutish realities of life, he kept telling himself that he was merely taking a break from the writing and the artistic processes and that he would return to his duties once the drugs were gone. So far, on this first day Post Binge, he rose with the sun, did a full and proper yoga session, ate a light and sensible breakfast, and is now back at his desk, writing; so far, he has been able to keep his mind on his task and off his yearning for More.

For many years, Mr. Hendrick was convinced that he could only live one of two ways, either fully twisted or completely sober. The success of his recent experiment indicates that with a modicum of discipline and a shred of self-respect he can move from one mode to the next – from being creative to slacking and back to being creative – without losing himself in either process. Compared to the near-total paralysis in productivity that usually happens when he gets his hands on some drugs, recent developments indicate that maybe, just maybe, Solomon is figuring himself out. Huzzah.

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wanted: spray butler

Windlehamshire County Estates, an exclusive retirement community in Upper Darby, Pennsylvania, is seeking a new spray butler. Duties shall include the following: maintaining an even sheen of freshly frozen mist on the ice-sculpture of a winged horse located on our main gravel driveway; seeing to the proper functioning of the shower nozzles in each of our 100 guests' private quarters; tending to the stables – once a day after luncheon-time – in order to keep any available mounts cool by soaking them down nicely with a hose; attending afternoon teatime and evening dinners so as to apply spray-able butter to any dishes that should require it; keeping a running, mental record – to be recited upon request – of any spray-marks that appear to have been made by one Lucius “Puss-Puss” Gringlewort, a male cat belonging to Mrs. Charles D. Gringlewort, whose whereabouts have been in doubt for some time now; and, finally, spraying out the grease pit in the kitchen after it closes for the day.

Applicants are expected to be fluent in Queen's English, to possess of at least three years of previous spray butler experience (or proof of recent education in the finer points of spray butlery), to be punctual, polite, and financially well-off, to exhibit an inherent need to attend to the many spraying-related activities that take place in retirement communities such as our own, and to lack any desire to spray his man-seed upon the faces or clothing of such elderly persons as may be in his immediate vicinity. To apply for this spray butler position, please send a one-paged, single-spaced, pre-application email to Jane Gringlewort Jr. at jgringle@windlehamshirecountyestates.net in which you explain yourself thoroughly.

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